Celticgirl

So about six weeks ago, my husband was arrested for DUI and spent the night in jail. As a result, we hired a lawyer, stopped drinking, drew closer, and prayed things would work out. His employers have not found out, and he was able to get a temporary driver's license pending a hearing this coming week. There was also a hearing last week, and our lawyer says he thinks the arresting officer would be willing to reduce the charge somewhat so that he wouldn't have any criminal record, which was a huge relief.

Friday night my husband came home acting very weird, with his breath overwhelmingly smelling like mouthwash. I found a half empty bottle of vodka in his bag. He admitted to me later that that was the third time last week that he had bought a pint of vodka and drank it in his car while driving around. I should add that he said he'd drive our kids somewhere that night.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I can't even look at him and am barely speaking to him. He keeps telling me he doesn't know why he did it. I'm furious that he would put us in this situation and threaten our safety and future like this. Ten years ago, when our kids were small, he would drink secretively like this, and it threatened to destroy our marriage. At that time, he started to go to AA and quit drinking for a year. Things improved tremendously.

Since that time, he's been able to drink moderately off and on, and then increasingly more. Now he's acting like I'm in the wrong here. He promised yesterday that he would get counseling and go to meetings, and he asked if I wanted to go to marriage counseling. I said I'd try for the the kids' sake. He then said, well, why bother then? I'll start looking for a place then. I also said that I wanted him to go to AA. He said that I should go to AA with him and that he wasn't going to go unless I went.

I honestly don't know that I can go through this with him again. I'm also mad that I'm supposed to decided today whether I want a divorce. I have been married 25 years, but I feel like I don't know who this man is and I don't even know if I love him anymore.

After Tuesday, he will most likely lose the license he has and have to apply for one so he can drive back and forth only to work and his alcohol classes.

I am trying to be less codependent. I am the one that hired the lawyer and who has done all the research about his license and what he needs to do to get it back. I have also been keeping track of his court dates, etc, and worrying about how our children will get home from their various practices, praying for a good outcome. I really felt like we were fighting this together, and it's such a sickening feeling to know that he would risk everything for that.

I told him Friday night that I am no longer going to be doing that. He can keep track of everything he needs to do to get his license back. I will give him a ride to the DMV if I am available; otherwise, he will have to find his own way. I also said if he gets arrested again (which will certainly cause him to lose his job) that I will not bail him out again, and if I see if he's been drinking and leaves in his car, I will call the police.

I have to say that we had family here a couple weeks ago, and while they were here I had a few drinks. I never drove anywhere. He's telling me that that opened the floodgates for him. When I exaplained that I never drank and drove, nor put our family's safety and security at risk, he yelled that it didn't matter. It seems like he wants to blame everybody for this slip, and I refuse to take the blame.

I am sorry for the length of this. If anybody has any more suggestions, I'd surely appreciate them.

suki44883

I'm sorry. He's just doing what alcoholics do. Minimizing and blame-shifting. I wish I could say this is unique, but it isn't. It's very common for alcoholics to do whatever they can to protect their drinking.

Good for you deciding not to do his work for him. This is his deal and he needs to be the one to gather the information and figure out how to do what is needed. Also, good for you to tell him you'll call the police if he drives after drinking.

Fathom

Hugs, Celticgirl.

You don't have to decide anything today. It's Sunday and he's just quacking. Take a deep breath and then another. Can you and the kids go on an adventure today without him? Have a picnic if it's pretty out, or go to a museum or a farmer's market? Maybe go pick out a pumpkin and run through a corn maze?

After having a fun day and regaining perspective on what you want your life to be, you can sit down and think about how you can protect yourself, and that life you want, from his bad decisions. The next time you call a lawyer should be to discuss those options for protecting you and the kids (whether you stick with him or not). You still don't have to decide anything until you are ready. In the meantime, you've got a good start on drawing those boundaries you laid out. And, you can probably think up a few more.

Keep breathing. Stay calm. Recite the serenity prayer. We're here with you.

Peace,
Fathom

atalose

Alcoholism is progressive he can no longer manage his drinking its managing him so please don't allow him to attempt to manage you or any decisions that will affect the rest of your life right now.

It's often said, alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages. He's negotiating with you where it's all based on YOU doing something not so much him. He'll go back to AA BUT only if you go with him! say what? You have to decide TODAY about YOUR marriage, say what?

Then the old standard - lets go to marriage counseling together. That's like needing a new transmission and taking the car to a tire place, sure they'll look at the tires, fix what may be wrong but they don't work much with just transmissions.

HIS recovery right now seems to all be dependent on YOU doing something, that's just not how recovery works. He's quacking like most alcoholics do, panicking at the thought of having to give up his beloved booze and it's all your fault!!! quack quack quack.

I understand having had enough and not wanting to travel down that road again, don't blame you one bit and you do not have to travel it again if you don't want to - no matter what he may quack.

BoxinRotz

Celtic,

You know what happens when you drink too much?

Consequences.

Let him feel every single one of them right down to him possibly missing a hearing.

He knew you would pull his sh*t together. Now show him who won't!

I'm all for being a team but when a team member goes and does something to hurt the team... Nah... I'm done. He wants you to clean this up so he can thank you and still drink. Well, let him find out where a pint of vodka will get him! I'm serious.

I stopped doing all AH's dirty work once he started feeling better post brain surgery. He asked me to call the dr, I give him the number! He wants me to go through t he bills, I hand him the stack! DONE!

I feel this way, after reading your thread... YOU my Dear have suffered enough due to his drinking and what are suppose to be HIS consequences. Let the BIG BOY do it! He has no one else to blame but himself! If he loses his job, it's his fault, not yours because he wants to blame your for family drinking and opening floodgates, him driving around drunk on vodka or landing back in jail. You haven't been pouring vodka down his neck have you?

NWGRITS

Listen to Rotz. If you want to know what kind of hell they can get you into, read her threads My Husband Was in a Motorcycle Accident Parts I and II. Your husband needs to feel the consequences of his drinking, period. Stop doing things for him. I know it's hard, we tried for 20-some-odd years to protect my alcoholic mother and it never worked. It's now been 30-some years and we are hands-off and she's gone off the deep end. Hopefully this will end with her hitting bottom and finally seeing the light, but only time will tell. Nobody can dictate when or where an A finds recovery, if at all. You have my best wishes for what is going to be a bumpy road ahead.

honeypig

Celticgirl, welcome to SR. Glad you found us here, but sorry you needed to look for a place like this.

First off, I want to say that AA is for your husband alone. YOU are not the one who would go to an AA meeting. YOU are not the alcoholic. AA is for alcoholics.

Alanon is for you (and NOT for him!). I would strongly recommend Alanon sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ It's a great source of support and information for you. You can use the search feature within this forum to find threads about Alanon and what people here feel they've gotten from it. Alanon and SR combined work very well for me, as each has its own strengths.

I'd also like to suggest that you try to come to SR and read/post some every day. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. The more you can educate yourself about alcoholism, the better equipped you'll be when dealing w/your A.

Again, welcome to SR. You're not alone w/this, and there is a TON of experience, strength and hope here for you. As you read, post and learn, you'll start to see your way more clearly.

Celticgirl

Thank you all for your support. I have had my own struggles with alcohol, and I readily admit it. I am doing the best I can at working on my own issues. I just am really resentful that he feels that his own sobriety is dependent on what I am doing. I know that's complete ********, and I'm not falling for that again.

He said tonight that he wants to check in with me every day so I know he's not drinking. My reply was that who's to stop him from checking in with me, driving away, and coming home drunk? He seemed really offended by that, but I couldn't care less.

Again, thanks for all your support. I'm feeling really good about myself and my ability to detach. I am honestly sick and tired of having to be the only adult in this relationship. Time for him to take some responsibility for this crap he got our family into.

NWGRITS

That's what comes to mind in reading that last post. He's blowing hot air (what we call quacking), hoping you will bite and he can maintain the status quo. Good on you for seeing his efforts for what they really are.

FWIW, I started down the slippery slope with drinking right after I turned 21. I had gotten a bad medical diagnosis, and my ex-fiance got physically violent with me, thus ending our relationship. So, I threw myself a months-long pity party. I was so miserable, and I hated myself for what I was doing. Six months after I started, I found out I was pregnant. I call it divine intervention, because I was on track to completely destroy myself. I stopped drinking and partying and never looked back. Once in a while I will have a beer or a glass of wine, but I am perfectly content to never have another drink. It just doesn't appeal to me anymore. You can do this. I have full faith in you. You deserve a better life.

peacesoul

Just more support for you. I am/was there. The heartbreak of betrayal, when you find out something you didn't know.
Also, reminds me of how a few months ago when I was trying to control my AH's drinking, we went on a 'notepad effort'. haha. Every day I would write bullets like no drinking, no drugs, whatever else to-do things. Didn't work of course, and later find out that he joked about it with his friends, for some reason that still hurts. Peace to you

Celticgirl

This is not the first time he's lied about drinking. Ten years ago,when this behavior started, I was much more naive. I actually believed him for a loooong time whenever I noticed his strange behavior and he swore to me he wasn't drinking. After actually seeing him chugging out of a pint bottle of vodka when he didn't notice me what when the light bulb finally went off. And it didn't stop there. It was a good year and a half of that crap before he quit for a year in 2005 and things got better, for a long time.

After this last incident, I am beyond disgusted. He's doing his best to make it up to me, asking about what's going to happen, if I still love him, etc. I just have been telling him I don't know what's going to happen, but I don't know if I still love him anymore. I also said that I don't feel the same way about him anymore and that his promises mean nothing to me.

I feel much more in control now than I did then. Maybe because the kids are older, maybe because I'm older and wiser, maybe because I really don't love him anymore. I said I would be willing to do marriage counseling, but he's got to get his own counseling and start going to meetings, and he said he would. All this crap with his DUI should be over by March, and if he does everything he's supposed to and stays out of trouble, then he can get his license back.

That may be the deadline I'm giving him. By then he'll be able to drive himself around and find a place to live or whatever. Maybe I'll feel differently about things then, but right now, I just don't have any faith in him.

It's sad. Like I said, we've been married for 25 years, and my son last night asked with tears in his eyes if we were getting a divorce. I answered him honestly that I didn't know. He's aware of what his dad's been up to - he was standing next to the car while I was struggling to see what my husband was hiding in his bag Friday night, and he's told me numerous times that his dad has driven him around after drinking. I told my son that we can't live with that, and I know he understands. Still, this sucks.

BoxinRotz

You need to tell your children that if Dad drinks, they can not ride with him ANYWHERE!

All it takes is one time. Those precious lives do not need ruined over a man who doesn't care, at the very minimum about himself and at the most, your precious children and STRANGERS going about their busy lives! It may mean they miss a game or whatever but if he wrecks with them in the car, they could possibly miss out on a lifetime. This is scary the whole way around. He thinks it won't happen to him... It will! You better bet your last $5 it will happen! You can not control him but you can guide your children to know what's right and wrong and riding with a drunk is WRONG!

Celticgirl

Yes, I will tell them. He won't be driving anywhere but to work and back after tomorrow, but it's something I'll always worry about. Thanks.

BlueSkies1

That car needs to have a breathalyzer on it. I'd go as far as to ask the court to order it if they don't mandate it without you saying anything. Yes, you'll be getting into his business. More than likely a fight will ensue. But this is about saving lives, including his own.
This is where I would cross the line with minding my own business and sweeping only my side of the street. Fortunately? ha...as if...anyway my H doesn't drink and drive. But if that day ever comes!