New here, Wife of an Alcoholic
deejov it is fantastic to have you here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Al-Anon is not about learning how not to enable the alcoholic in your life. Its about sooooo much more than that. Please try Al-Anon again. You don't have to make any big decisions right now, Al-Anon will help you get some perspective!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 61
I am not drinking myself, and am married to an A. I feel like we are just roommates also but not quite as separate as you but close. It is just depressing. I read a lot of the alanon material and daily readers but haven't been to a meeting in years. So am hoping to come here also because it helps to hear stories of others married to an A. Also his daughter is former meth addict and son in law meth addict and I have sibling alcoholics so it is too much sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You mention he has choices, but has excuses why he can't focus on any option. But YOU have choices too. You don't have to wait for him to decide what to do in order to decide you want a life. He will likely not make any decisions, because he's okay with things the way they are. He gets to keep drinking, and has company at home...even if it's a room mate situation. You mention holding someone else's life "hostage". That's what A's do! But, here again, it's YOUR choice to remain a hostage or free yourself. Life is short, is this the partnership you envision for yourself? If not, you have the power within you to create the life you want. It won't happen if you're waiting for him to make those choices for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by deejov 
He ASKED ME to give him a few months to try and stop drinking again, and get himself in a better position financially. Said he couldn't handle all of it at once.
He says that is NOT what we wants to do with his life, he wants "more".
.
He says that is NOT what we wants to do with his life, he wants "more".
.
You know what the next step is for you. You laid it out for him too, now is the hard part, to act on it....
And if he truly wants "more" he will figure out what "more" is with our without your support by getting sober and working his program, if he doesn't you could get really bored...or angry waiting aroud to see him sort it all out because it could take a really, really long time for that to happen.
By your writing it seems you are pretty well detached from his disease, but maybe your just waiting for that last proverbial straw to break your camel back?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 38
Marcellina-
A lot of us feel this way, and a lot of us have marriage problems that are both related and unrelated to the alcoholism. It is hard to focus our attention on a relationship that doesn't resemble the once loving connection we knew that was based off of trust and teamwork. Instead we find ourselves focusing our attention on cleaning up our A spouses messes... finacially,legally with family and friends, trying to catch our AH in lies, trying shelter our kids...and the list goes on.
It is probably best to stay detach from the disease and if he does get sober then you may be able to get some counseling together, but he needs to be Sober for couples counseling to happen. Until then focus on keeping you healthy through SR, Al anon and individual couseling.
Originally Posted by Marcellina
I am not drinking myself, and am married to an A. I feel like we are just roommates also but not quite as separate as you but close. It is just depressing. .
It is probably best to stay detach from the disease and if he does get sober then you may be able to get some counseling together, but he needs to be Sober for couples counseling to happen. Until then focus on keeping you healthy through SR, Al anon and individual couseling.
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