Dude111

Just writing in point form.

3 Year relationship with alcoholic ex-gf.
Broke up didn’t see each other for 2 months.
Told her Mom to have her call me because it ended badly and I felt bad about it.
Hung out with her like 4 times in the last week and a half. She’s in a rehab program near my house; she’s in week 3 and probably been sober 11 weeks.
Relationship is platonic now but she wants more.
I still love her.

Other points to note:
I’m getting therapy, been 3 times so far going every other week.
I lost my job for about 5 weeks because my company is renovating so I’m bored, poor and maybe more lonely than usual.

My question is what is the best way to protect myself without discouraging her from recovery? Is there any possibility of us being just friends and supporting each other? I am not ready to be in a relationship right now especially with a recovering alcoholic. I'm thinking probably the best thing to do is just be straight up with her, just not sure.

Any support or experience or opinions are appreciated. I'm sending back good vibes and love.

marie1960

I would step back and allow her to work her recovery program.

If she is truly serious about HER recovery, she doesn't currently have any available time to be dating.

If I were you, I would be polishing my resume, and investing my energy in seeking future employment.

It's ok that you still love and care for her. And if you really want recovery for her, put your feeling aside, and get out of the way. She is not anywhere close to being ready to resume a relationship.

Another question I would be asking myself, is why would I be willing to invest my present day life in someone who is currently unavailable?

Rehab is not a guarantee, it doesn't come with a warranty. I do wish her well, and really hope she is one of the small percentage who can recover.

Personally, life experience says "don't hold your breath", she has a long, way to go.

honeypig

HER recovery has not a single thing to do with YOU. She will get sober (or not) regardless of what YOU do (or don't do). In Alanon, they talk about the 3 C's--you didn't Cause her alcoholism, you can't Control her alcoholism, and you can't Cure her alcoholism. All true....

Let me suggest that you take the focus off of her and her problems and put it on you. You said you're in therapy. You also said you're currently unemployed. How about taking some of that free time and getting active in Alanon? I'm willing to bet it'll help you in ways that your therapy will not, when it comes to dealing with your A girlfriend. You can easily google Alanon and use the meeting finder on the site to locate one near you. You can also search the forum here for threads where people discuss Alanon if you want to get some idea what it can do for you.

It's often said here that before getting into a relationship with a recovering A, they should be able to show you a good solid year of sobriety and recovery. Going by that, it would be way too soon to have any type of serious relationship w/your AGF. Telling her this right up front is probably best, as it seems you kind of know already.

Welcome to SR! There's a lot of help here--if you can, take some time each day and do some reading and/or posting. You'll learn a lot. And again, please do consider Alanon. Both SR and Alanon will help you sort out your feelings and see more clearly.

Kimmieh

My ex went into recovery shortly after we broke up and while we have occasional contact via phone and email (less and less), I don't get involved in his recovery. I am far too likely to start hovering and caretaking and forgetting my own recovery. I do mine, he does his, and the two work best separately I think.

fluffyflea

Keep going to therapy,combined with some Alanon meetings and be straight up with her WHILE she is inre-hab so she,ll have support if she is dissappointed.

/[

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///QUOTE=Dude111;4222117]Just writing in point form.

3 Year relationship with alcoholic ex-gf.
Broke up didn’t see each other for 2 months.
Told her Mom to have her call me because it ended badly and I felt bad about it.
Hung out with her like 4 times in the last week and a half. She’s in a rehab program near my house; she’s in week 3 and probably been sober 11 weeks.
Relationship is platonic now but she wants more.
I still love her.

Other points to note:
I’m getting therapy, been 3 times so far going every other week.
I lost my job for about 5 weeks because my company is renovating so I’m bored, poor and maybe more lonely than usual.

My question is what is the best way to protect myself without discouraging her from recovery? Is there any possibility of us being just friends and supporting each other? I am not ready to be in a relationship right now especially with a recovering alcoholic. I'm thinking probably the best thing to do is just be straight up with her, just not sure.

Any support or experience or opinions are appreciated. I'm sending back good vibes and love.[/QUOTE]

choublak

Do some volunteering while your company is renovating.

And, don't be talking to her mom.

Florence

In therapy it was my job to suss out why I wanted so badly to have a relationship with someone who was obviously incapable of one. In therapy I learned how to pick up the pieces in my life instead of using relationships as a distraction from my problems.

I don't want to pick on you, but from what I can gather you reconnected after you split up because she went to rehab. What about this appeals to you, really? How would you feel about dating someone who doesn't need rehab?