Desperately Seeking Direction.... And an impartial opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Desperately Seeking Direction.... And an impartial opinion.
I have dealt with alcoholism my entire life. My mother, father, and stepfather are all alcoholics. I also dealt with alcohol dependency personally but was able to recognize the early warning signs before I let alcohol take over my life and found healthy ways to cope. That was three years ago. Now, I am 24 and I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a little over a year. We have been through many rough times, the majority of which stem from his alcoholism. I always told myself that I would never date an alcoholic and here I am making an exception. But to give you a more specific idea of the situation that has finally brought me to seek help I need to tell you the story. I have known my ABF has a drinking problem for the majority of our relationship. Many times in the beginning he told me he would work on getting it under control. Slowly but surely he started to drink less and open up to me more. He no longer drinks everyday. Usually he drinks only on weekends. However, when he does drink he almost always binge drinks. We would get into fights over him lying about drinking 1-3 times a month. He is not a nasty drunk, he has never hit me or verbally abused me. He has lied to me about drinking and done things that go against his word almost every time he drinks. At one point I was so tired of dealing with it that I broke up with him and told him to move out which didn't last long. This has been an ongoing issue in his personal life. Over 3 years ago, before he ever met me, he had a felony DUI which almost cost his life as well as his passenger's. NOW he is incarcerated for his SECOUND DUI and is facing a few years in prison because of the complications from the first. He was out with his friend without me (because I do not play warden) when it happened. It took this happening for me to realize that no matter how many times he SAYS he will get his drinking under control, he is not trying as hard as I think or he is simply not ready and is just feeling pressure fro] me. It is hard to tell. His actions say he's not ready when he binge drinks and gets in trouble but they also say he is ready when he doesn't drink the majority of the time. Even now, while he is in jail, he THINKS he doesn't need AA and he THINKS he can handle drinking occasionally, but he HAS admitted he has a problem. He justifies not needing AA with this statement verbatim "To say that I am powerless over alcohol, join AA, and never drink again would not be addressing the real issue. Just an easy way to not deal with the real issue [dealing with the reason why he uses alcohol to cope] Then I would just find something different to substitute alcohol with." To me it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too which I know won't work.
I am so utterly confused about how to feel and what to think of his actions and words.
I don't know what to do and I would like some HONEST advice from an outside perspective, no I NEED some unbiased advice. I want to stick with him out of love for him. But I also want to run for the hills to protect myself. One of the only things that I am sure of is knowing that I am strong enough to go either way.
I suppose my main questions are - What kind of things should I look for that show he is ready to change for himself? What can I do (or not do) to help him along HIS journey? If you are someone who was/is with an alcoholic how did you know you had to get out or how did you know to stick around?
Absolutely ANY thoughts, good bad or downright harsh, are encouraged.
Thanks in advance!
I am so utterly confused about how to feel and what to think of his actions and words.
I don't know what to do and I would like some HONEST advice from an outside perspective, no I NEED some unbiased advice. I want to stick with him out of love for him. But I also want to run for the hills to protect myself. One of the only things that I am sure of is knowing that I am strong enough to go either way.
I suppose my main questions are - What kind of things should I look for that show he is ready to change for himself? What can I do (or not do) to help him along HIS journey? If you are someone who was/is with an alcoholic how did you know you had to get out or how did you know to stick around?
Absolutely ANY thoughts, good bad or downright harsh, are encouraged.
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by Dee74; 10-05-2013 at 08:40 PM. Reason: right forum now
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
He has no intention to quit IMO. He will drag you down with him. If he had even one year of sobriety I might consider a relationship with him. Now, no way. Start seeing people. When he has a year without any alcohol, take another look. You can do better.
This is just an opinion, but it is brought to you by a certified alcoholic.
This is just an opinion, but it is brought to you by a certified alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi Love, welcome. Many people do have issues that caused them to drink in the first place. I had to get sober to work on mine. My thinking was too cloudy while drinking. As an alcoholic, I can say, alcoholics quit when they want to. It sounds like he doesn't want to quit. Take care of yourself first. He has to work on it himself if he chooses to. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi and welcome. I am a recovering alcoholic but I am sure other friends and family will be along soon. Are you familiar at all with al-anon? An alcoholic who is not in recovery can leave a path of destruction. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is on the road to recovery yet. What jumped out of your post was "his actions say he's not ready". Until he is no amount of love can get him better. Getting sober isn't easy, hopefully he will really want it someday because that will be a beginning.
As you probably know from growing up with this you can't change alcoholics. You will hear the 3C's mentioned : you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. When I hear stories of loved ones pouring bottles down the sink in an attempt to keep an alcoholic from drinking it makes me sad. Because I see not one sick person but two.
You sound really bright, and you seem to have a lot of clarity about what is going on. Most of your post is about him, and there is very little about you. That is not a criticism, it's an observation. Being involved with an alcoholic means you are involved with the disease. The only way the connection maintains any life is if the focus remains on him because sadly you sound like you are receiving very little from this relationship. Love is a wonderful thing, but when we treat someone else better than we treat ourselves it is time to step back.
You are very young to be saddled with so much conflict. I think your twenties should be a wonderful time when you have the luxury to explore new things, and learn about who you are. I think asking yourself what you are getting from this relationship is important.
You asked about what you should look for to indicate your boyfriend is ready to change. Unfortunately the fact that it sounds like you want it more than he does isn't a good starting place. I have not been in your shoes so as to whether to get out or stick around? I would move on with my own life. There is too much out there to hang around waiting for someone who has not begun his journey. The is no downside to begin to carve a new life, he has a long way to go, and if he does get healthy and you are still available and want to be with him later then maybe someday. In the meantime I would put my energy into one thing you can control and that is you.
The stickies at the top of the friends and family threads are a great way to get started.
As you probably know from growing up with this you can't change alcoholics. You will hear the 3C's mentioned : you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. When I hear stories of loved ones pouring bottles down the sink in an attempt to keep an alcoholic from drinking it makes me sad. Because I see not one sick person but two.
You sound really bright, and you seem to have a lot of clarity about what is going on. Most of your post is about him, and there is very little about you. That is not a criticism, it's an observation. Being involved with an alcoholic means you are involved with the disease. The only way the connection maintains any life is if the focus remains on him because sadly you sound like you are receiving very little from this relationship. Love is a wonderful thing, but when we treat someone else better than we treat ourselves it is time to step back.
You are very young to be saddled with so much conflict. I think your twenties should be a wonderful time when you have the luxury to explore new things, and learn about who you are. I think asking yourself what you are getting from this relationship is important.
You asked about what you should look for to indicate your boyfriend is ready to change. Unfortunately the fact that it sounds like you want it more than he does isn't a good starting place. I have not been in your shoes so as to whether to get out or stick around? I would move on with my own life. There is too much out there to hang around waiting for someone who has not begun his journey. The is no downside to begin to carve a new life, he has a long way to go, and if he does get healthy and you are still available and want to be with him later then maybe someday. In the meantime I would put my energy into one thing you can control and that is you.
The stickies at the top of the friends and family threads are a great way to get started.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
First of all...don't believe a word he says.
IF and when he is ready to stop drinking, it will have nothing at all to do with you. You cannot rationalize to him that he should quit. Alcoholism is irrational. Don't expect him to be something that he isn't.
The only aspect of this nightmare that is in your control is how you choose to deal with it. It is what it is. You do not have the power to save him. No one does. If we had that power, none of us would be here.
We have a Friends and Family forum that would probably be a great benefit for you to visit. We have to learn what we can and cannot control. You only have a year of your life invested in this relationship. Please don't wait until you have 5, 10, 20 years of your life invested. Don't waste your life wanting someone to be something they just cannot be.
NOW he is incarcerated for his SECOUND DUI and is facing a few years in prison because of the complications from the first. He was out with his friend without me (because I do not play warden) when it happened. It took this happening for me to realize that no matter how many times he SAYS he will get his drinking under control, he is not trying as hard as I think or he is simply not ready and is just feeling pressure fro] me.
The only aspect of this nightmare that is in your control is how you choose to deal with it. It is what it is. You do not have the power to save him. No one does. If we had that power, none of us would be here.
We have a Friends and Family forum that would probably be a great benefit for you to visit. We have to learn what we can and cannot control. You only have a year of your life invested in this relationship. Please don't wait until you have 5, 10, 20 years of your life invested. Don't waste your life wanting someone to be something they just cannot be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 109
You say he hasn't verbally or physically abused you....yet...
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The time will come when he does one or both of the above.
Until he can admit he is an alcoholic and cannot control his drinking, there is no helping him. The best thing you can do for you AND him is to separate. If you continue to be with him, it will give him license to continue down his path of destruction.
God Bless you!
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The time will come when he does one or both of the above.
Until he can admit he is an alcoholic and cannot control his drinking, there is no helping him. The best thing you can do for you AND him is to separate. If you continue to be with him, it will give him license to continue down his path of destruction.
God Bless you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
It doesn't matter whether he drinks daily, or binges on the weekend...he's an alcoholic who isn't looking at recovery. His current attempts to not drink "the majority of the time" is just the typical futile attempt to control it. It is NOT a sign he is interested in sobriety. He can NOT handle drinking occasionally. According to your post, he's not drinking all the time right now, and he STILL got a DUI. He's not interested in AA because he still plans to drink. He is showing you who he is.....believe him.
This relationship is only a year old. You are 24, your whole life is in front of you. This is a progressive disease, he will get worse as long as he is in denial. Loving him is not going to save him, if it did, then none of our alcoholics would be drinking...we would have saved them all.
If you truly want to help him, then get out of his way. See that he has the right to choose this path for himself, just as you have the right to choose a healthy path for you. Love yourself enough to make the tough decisions, and let him go. Stay focused on your health. Find an AlAnon group and try some meetings. Read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I wish you all the best life has waiting for you.
This relationship is only a year old. You are 24, your whole life is in front of you. This is a progressive disease, he will get worse as long as he is in denial. Loving him is not going to save him, if it did, then none of our alcoholics would be drinking...we would have saved them all.
If you truly want to help him, then get out of his way. See that he has the right to choose this path for himself, just as you have the right to choose a healthy path for you. Love yourself enough to make the tough decisions, and let him go. Stay focused on your health. Find an AlAnon group and try some meetings. Read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I wish you all the best life has waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 97
Well, I am of the belief that until you sort your stuff out, you will always attract alcoholics. That is what you're used to; what you grew up with. You can break up with this guy and try to sort it out, then hopefully get into a better relationship but if you don't work on yourself, you may attract another alcoholic...
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by NAP 
Well, I am of the belief that until you sort your stuff out, you will always attract alcoholics. That is what you're used to; what you grew up with. You can break up with this guy and try to sort it out, then hopefully get into a better relationship but if you don't work on yourself, you may attract another alcoholic...
Don't throw your life away on this guy. He is an emotional abuser. He is using manipulation to get you hooked on him over and over again. He has no interest in quitting the drink, but he knows just what to say to you to get you off his back. His statement about not quitting or doing AA because it only addresses the drinking is quacking, but he does acknowledge there is a reason why he drinks. However, he has to get sober and allow his brain to function normally again before he can do the therapy to take care of his root cause. No program to stay sober, no fixy. But this is all stuff HE has to want to do FOR HIMSELF.
I know where you are, and I know that when I was your age, I would tell anyone to F-off if they said what I'm saying to you now. But heed the wise words from the people here. We are trying to save you more pain and heartache. Leaving now is much easier than leaving five years from now when you're really enmeshed in this crap. Here's hoping you are able to make the best decision for yourself and find serenity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome.
I also am ACOA and I tell people that alcoholism didn't just run in my family it flowed through it like Niagara Falls! And like the other posters I found that despite the loathing I had for my cruel alcoholic father seemed to always end up in relationships with addictive men!
Your A is in custody and facing years in prison and has no interest in sobriety or real recovery and you are seriously considering cleaving your life to his? Do you realize that if you marry him you are taking very real risks with your financial security as your joint assets can be part of a lawsuit if the next time he kills or maims people while drunk in a vehicular accidents.
Not to mention that the disease is very progressive and you cannot guage your future with him based on past experience... it will get worse, much worse. If you have children they will get the same hardwiring that you and I already have and statistically most will either become alcoholics or marry one and continue the family cycle of dysfunction.
My best advice to you my dear is find an alanon meeting you like and start attending. Read books and more books about the disease of alcoholism and codependency and if you can find a counselor well versed in addiction start seeing them if possible.
In conclusion, he doesn't sound like relationship material to me....
Good luck.
I also am ACOA and I tell people that alcoholism didn't just run in my family it flowed through it like Niagara Falls! And like the other posters I found that despite the loathing I had for my cruel alcoholic father seemed to always end up in relationships with addictive men!
Your A is in custody and facing years in prison and has no interest in sobriety or real recovery and you are seriously considering cleaving your life to his? Do you realize that if you marry him you are taking very real risks with your financial security as your joint assets can be part of a lawsuit if the next time he kills or maims people while drunk in a vehicular accidents.
Not to mention that the disease is very progressive and you cannot guage your future with him based on past experience... it will get worse, much worse. If you have children they will get the same hardwiring that you and I already have and statistically most will either become alcoholics or marry one and continue the family cycle of dysfunction.
My best advice to you my dear is find an alanon meeting you like and start attending. Read books and more books about the disease of alcoholism and codependency and if you can find a counselor well versed in addiction start seeing them if possible.
In conclusion, he doesn't sound like relationship material to me....
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
he is facing a few years in prison for his actions. you are 24 years old. please try to untangle yourself from him and move on to a healthy relationship in the future. you do not have to continue this pattern with alcoholics.
Imagine what it could be like to not have this albatross around your neck?
Imagine what it could be like to not have this albatross around your neck?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by FreeTheLOVE;4221829
[U
[U
I have dealt with alcoholism my entire life.[/U]
Then you have been imprisoned yourself, your entire life. The difference here is, you hold the key to unlock that door. You can choose to be incarcerated yourself, or to set yourself free.
I also dealt with alcohol dependency personally but was able to recognize the early warning signs before I let alcohol take over my life and found healthy ways to cope.
Then you realize that it is not that difficult to accomplish. Never forget that alcoholics choose to drink.
Now, I am 24
24...so young...do you want to be posting here about him when you're 45? I am thinking of all the wonderful things in life that you are going to miss out on.
I always told myself that I would never date an alcoholic and here I am making an exception.
This. Ask yourself why you have destroyed this boundary that was to save you from a life of misery. Why have you betrayed yourself this way?
At one point I was so tired of dealing with it that I broke up with him and told him to move out which didn't last long.
Why didn't it last? I mean, what inside you, decided to cave?
NOW he is incarcerated for his SECOUND DUI and is facing a few years in prison because of the complications from the first.
Let's pretend I'm an old friend from high school and I run into you after not hearing from you for all these years. You tell me the above when I suggest we double date and go out to dinner and a comedy show. You can't bring your date though, can you? So many fun and ordinary things you cannot do...but you can spend your Sundays driving to the prison for visitation! Fun, fun fun! But more importantly, I am going to tell you exactly what I think when you tell me that he is incarcerated for his 2nd DUI. I am going to tell you that I stare at you when you say that, wondering what is wrong with you, or why you are attracted to criminals. I am thinking, woah...she is going down that road in life, is she? I do not say that to hurt you. I am simply honest if I ran into an old friend and they told me that their boyfriend was in prison...for some people, someone in prison is not bf material, and they draw the line there. And your future, in years to come if you stay and accept him as he is? Come on kids! Get in the car, it's time to go visit daddy at the prison!
he is simply not ready and is just feeling pressure from me.
You got that right. He is simply not ready. Pressure from you? Naw...he knows so far at least, you'll stick around if he's drinking or not.
he THINKS he can handle drinking occasionally, but he HAS admitted he has a problem.
These two above are mutually exclusive. Both cannot exist at the same time.
Then I would just find something different to substitute alcohol with."
When someone tells you that they are hell bent on being some kind of addict, believe them.
I want to stick with him out of love for him.
Love never cured alcoholism. Only pain does that.
But I also want to run for the hills to protect myself.
Now That line is self-protection, and sane!
One of the only things that I am sure of is knowing that I am strong enough to go either way.
There is a saying used here a lot. Let go or be dragged. What will you choose?
I suppose my main questions are - What kind of things should I look for that show he is ready to change for himself? What can I do (or not do) to help him along HIS journey? If you are someone who was/is with an alcoholic how did you know you had to get out or how did you know to stick around?
Absolutely ANY thoughts, good bad or downright harsh, are encouraged.
Thanks in advance!
Then you have been imprisoned yourself, your entire life. The difference here is, you hold the key to unlock that door. You can choose to be incarcerated yourself, or to set yourself free.
I also dealt with alcohol dependency personally but was able to recognize the early warning signs before I let alcohol take over my life and found healthy ways to cope.
Then you realize that it is not that difficult to accomplish. Never forget that alcoholics choose to drink.
Now, I am 24
24...so young...do you want to be posting here about him when you're 45? I am thinking of all the wonderful things in life that you are going to miss out on.
I always told myself that I would never date an alcoholic and here I am making an exception.
This. Ask yourself why you have destroyed this boundary that was to save you from a life of misery. Why have you betrayed yourself this way?
At one point I was so tired of dealing with it that I broke up with him and told him to move out which didn't last long.
Why didn't it last? I mean, what inside you, decided to cave?
NOW he is incarcerated for his SECOUND DUI and is facing a few years in prison because of the complications from the first.
Let's pretend I'm an old friend from high school and I run into you after not hearing from you for all these years. You tell me the above when I suggest we double date and go out to dinner and a comedy show. You can't bring your date though, can you? So many fun and ordinary things you cannot do...but you can spend your Sundays driving to the prison for visitation! Fun, fun fun! But more importantly, I am going to tell you exactly what I think when you tell me that he is incarcerated for his 2nd DUI. I am going to tell you that I stare at you when you say that, wondering what is wrong with you, or why you are attracted to criminals. I am thinking, woah...she is going down that road in life, is she? I do not say that to hurt you. I am simply honest if I ran into an old friend and they told me that their boyfriend was in prison...for some people, someone in prison is not bf material, and they draw the line there. And your future, in years to come if you stay and accept him as he is? Come on kids! Get in the car, it's time to go visit daddy at the prison!
he is simply not ready and is just feeling pressure from me.
You got that right. He is simply not ready. Pressure from you? Naw...he knows so far at least, you'll stick around if he's drinking or not.
he THINKS he can handle drinking occasionally, but he HAS admitted he has a problem.
These two above are mutually exclusive. Both cannot exist at the same time.
Then I would just find something different to substitute alcohol with."
When someone tells you that they are hell bent on being some kind of addict, believe them.
I want to stick with him out of love for him.
Love never cured alcoholism. Only pain does that.
But I also want to run for the hills to protect myself.
Now That line is self-protection, and sane!
One of the only things that I am sure of is knowing that I am strong enough to go either way.
There is a saying used here a lot. Let go or be dragged. What will you choose?
I suppose my main questions are - What kind of things should I look for that show he is ready to change for himself? What can I do (or not do) to help him along HIS journey? If you are someone who was/is with an alcoholic how did you know you had to get out or how did you know to stick around?
Absolutely ANY thoughts, good bad or downright harsh, are encouraged.
Thanks in advance!
What kind of things should you look for that show you are ready to change for yourself?
What can you do to help yourself along with your journey?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
NOW he is incarcerated for his SECOUND DUI and is facing a few years in prison
So he's looking at a few years... why don't you extract yourself from HIS chaos and move on. YOU HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT... says the State/Institution he is incarcerated at. Go get some counseling if you feel you need it and get right with yourself before you bring another (perhaps better) man into your life. You don't deserve to sit at home while he's holed up being an irresponsible menace to society. He's going to wreck your life and until you break free from it, you will give him permission to do so and he will say and do whatever his alcoholic mind wants too because he does not love you. He loves alcohol.
It's okay to love someone, anyone for that matter. BUT!!! It's not okay to let someone who you love treat you like a piece of sh*t, drink all the time, ruin your life by taking you hostage, ruining your credit, smashing your vehicles, MAIMING or KILLING someone in said vehicles! That is not love. That is 100% *F* YOU... TAKE IT UP THE 2ND PIPE... YOU WON'T STOP ME!!! I DON'T NEED HELP! I DON'T GIVE A *F* ABOUT YOU BULLCRAP! But hey baby... I love you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
Do you really want to play the Hug A' Thug game? He's incarcerated! Of course he can't drink right now! But what I really hear is... I don't need help. I can manage it. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. Sounds like his management went real well considering where he is.
So he's looking at a few years... why don't you extract yourself from HIS chaos and move on. YOU HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT... says the State/Institution he is incarcerated at. Go get some counseling if you feel you need it and get right with yourself before you bring another (perhaps better) man into your life. You don't deserve to sit at home while he's holed up being an irresponsible menace to society. He's going to wreck your life and until you break free from it, you will give him permission to do so and he will say and do whatever his alcoholic mind wants too because he does not love you. He loves alcohol.
It's okay to love someone, anyone for that matter. BUT!!! It's not okay to let someone who you love treat you like a piece of sh*t, drink all the time, ruin your life by taking you hostage, ruining your credit, smashing your vehicles, MAIMING or KILLING someone in said vehicles! That is not love. That is 100% *F* YOU... TAKE IT UP THE 2ND PIPE... YOU WON'T STOP ME!!! I DON'T NEED HELP! I DON'T GIVE A *F* ABOUT YOU BULLCRAP! But hey baby... I love you!
So he's looking at a few years... why don't you extract yourself from HIS chaos and move on. YOU HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT... says the State/Institution he is incarcerated at. Go get some counseling if you feel you need it and get right with yourself before you bring another (perhaps better) man into your life. You don't deserve to sit at home while he's holed up being an irresponsible menace to society. He's going to wreck your life and until you break free from it, you will give him permission to do so and he will say and do whatever his alcoholic mind wants too because he does not love you. He loves alcohol.
It's okay to love someone, anyone for that matter. BUT!!! It's not okay to let someone who you love treat you like a piece of sh*t, drink all the time, ruin your life by taking you hostage, ruining your credit, smashing your vehicles, MAIMING or KILLING someone in said vehicles! That is not love. That is 100% *F* YOU... TAKE IT UP THE 2ND PIPE... YOU WON'T STOP ME!!! I DON'T NEED HELP! I DON'T GIVE A *F* ABOUT YOU BULLCRAP! But hey baby... I love you!
Nuffsaid
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
What kind of things should I look for that show he is ready to change for himself?
What can I do (or not do) to help him along HIS journey?
If you are someone who was/is with an alcoholic how did you know you had to get out or how did you know to stick around?
Absolutely ANY thoughts, good bad or downright harsh, are encouraged.
Run for the hills!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
[/U]I'm going to turn your questions around on yourself.
What kind of things should you look for that show you are ready to change for yourself?
What can you do to help yourself along with your journey?
What kind of things should you look for that show you are ready to change for yourself?
What can you do to help yourself along with your journey?
What are the patterns within yourself that sought out this type of partner?
What do you want the rest of your life to be like?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
I can relate to you in many ways. I have been with my ABF for almost 5 years. I hit my breaking point recently. The lies, the sleepless nights worrying about him when he didn't come home, the fear that this would be my life forever if I continued a relationship with him, the realization that this doesn't have to be my life and that I have the power to choose my path, those are all reasons that led me to my decision to leave. This has been one of the hardest decisions of my life. I love him. I want to be with him. BUT I know that I can't be with someone whose priority will always be alcohol over me. I know that I deserve more. I know that I have a long road ahead of me as I start my life over without him. But I have also realized that I am willing to endure the pain that comes with a break up if it means a better future for myself. My advice to you is to think about your future. Think about what you want your life to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. Can you picture this to be your life? When I answered that question myself it was a clear and obvious no. Be strong. Be courageous. Follow your heart.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Oh my dear. I cannot tell you how much I relate.
3 years ago, my ABF had been arrested 5 times in one year: 3 DUIs, one for breaking my arm in a fight, and one for drug possession. He was facing 4 months in jail. If I had the bravery I needed, I would have left him then. My biggest regret is thinking I am a good, loving, loyal person for standing by him. I had nothing to prove, but was blinded by love.
Now, 2 years later, after thr affairs, after being kicked out, and after numerous relapses, I'm still here. And nothing has changed. I'm still praying for the bravery to leave.
The saddest thing to me is watching everyone else in my life moving forward. Getting married, having kids, having careers. And I'm still exactly where I am. My life is completely stalled waiting for him to recovery. And that's something I would wish on no one.
Follow your heart, lady, and let it choose YOU FIRST.
3 years ago, my ABF had been arrested 5 times in one year: 3 DUIs, one for breaking my arm in a fight, and one for drug possession. He was facing 4 months in jail. If I had the bravery I needed, I would have left him then. My biggest regret is thinking I am a good, loving, loyal person for standing by him. I had nothing to prove, but was blinded by love.
Now, 2 years later, after thr affairs, after being kicked out, and after numerous relapses, I'm still here. And nothing has changed. I'm still praying for the bravery to leave.
The saddest thing to me is watching everyone else in my life moving forward. Getting married, having kids, having careers. And I'm still exactly where I am. My life is completely stalled waiting for him to recovery. And that's something I would wish on no one.
Follow your heart, lady, and let it choose YOU FIRST.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
