Hi I'm new and in love with an A

Old 06-04-2004, 08:25 AM
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Nightowl's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Hi I'm new and in love with an A

My SO and I have lived together for 6 months. I knew he drank a lot...what was I thinking to get involved with him?? but I love him a lot and we are good for each other. We only dated a few months before he moved in.

But now I struggle with the question of staying with him. I'm torn. He is a wonderful man...intelligent, funny, handsome, sexy, sensitive and kind. But sometimes when he drinks he gets moody and argumentative and paranoid. He makes extreme statements. He gets overly angry. He picks fights with my teenaged daughter. These emotions scare me. I am not at all afraid of him physically. For the moment. But what happens if his drinking gets worse??

I think he has drank for a very long time. Damn the military for encouraging drinking so much. It seems like most retired Marines have a drinking problem -- my SO was in teh Marines for 22 years. He uses his war experiences as his excuse to drink...that his beer dulls his pain. He thinks he handles drinking just fine. I don't. He drinks while he drives home from work -- stops at the liquor store to buy a cold six pack for the drive home (he has an hour commute). He packs a cooler just to drive down the road to a restaurant. i have to drive a lot since he has been drinking. And I won't have a drink at the restaurant for fear of being stopped becuase he will always have an open beer in the car. Which is legal in Indiana if the driver is below a .04...which basically means I can never have a drink at all since I always have to drive.

He restricts his drinking to afternoon (or pretty close). He doesn't drink in the morning unlike his son. His son just got his 2nd DUI and has quit drinking completely at our house. It is see SO tell son that he can't have a beer while he has a cold one in his own hand!! SO drinks from the moment he gets off work until bed time. Sometimes in the morning or on the weekends he gets the shakes. It scares me. My girls hate his drinking and it affects how they feel about him. My recycle bin is always filled with beer cans. I worry my ex will find out that I live with an alcoholic and he will try to take my girls from me.

I have talked to SO about his drinking and how I want him to stop drinking and driving. That I don't like to drive every where. I occasionally want a real date...where HE drives. He says that drinking beer is apart of who he is and that he likes himself these days and doesnt' want to change. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?? Is he NOT an alcoholic? I have never seen him go ONE day without drinking. His son is a new person now that he isn't drinking. It's wonderful. It is amazing how my SO does not see the very same thing in himself that he sees in his son. The denial is just amazing.

How do you know when to stay and when to go?? I don't want to lose this man I love. BUT....
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Old 06-04-2004, 08:55 AM
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smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Welcome Nightowl!

It doesn't matter whether he calls himself an alcoholic or not. His use of alcohol is affecting your family negatively. It doesn't need a name besides "unacceptable" or "acceptable". You are the only one who can make that distinction. Staying and going are individual choices and depend on so many things that only you know about. Talk to your girls. Search your heart. Come here and spill so you have a place to get it off your chest and organize your thoughts. We'll be here for you whatever you decide... and you don't have to decide today.

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Old 06-04-2004, 09:06 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Nightowl,
Welcome, glad you joined us.
You're not making a mountain out of a mole hill. If his drinking bothers you, it's a problem.
This place is chock full of people who understand what you're going through.
Stick around.
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Old 06-04-2004, 09:24 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
Welcome, Nightowl!
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, it is obviously affecting you, which is why we're here. It isn't an easy life living the way you have, and I can completely relate. I am on my third relationship with people who have addictions, and I have kids that have been deeply affected by the whole thing. I have learned to accept that I can't change that he drinks, but I can change how I deal with it. I have set some pretty sturdy boundaries and continue to set them. I have realized that I didn't cause him to drink EVER, that I can't control it in any way, and that I can't cure it (the Alanon big 3 "Cs"). It can get better, whether you choose to stay or to go. I also take my relationship one day at a time, since I too questioned whether it was time for me to go when I started working on my codependent issues 6 months ago, that really makes it easier.
Anyways, there is a lot of support here and I hope to hear from you again!
Take care,
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Old 06-04-2004, 10:35 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Do you know any veterans who are sober alcoholics? Or call the VA and ask someone there for assistance. Your marine will listen to another marine who has had a drinking problem and done something about it. You've already told him how his drinking is affecting you and the family. Now is the time while the relationship is still relatively new to get things sorted out. If he can control his drinking, great, if not he has to quit or somehow not bring his drinking problems home to you and the family. Be as non confrontational as possible but be firm. Dont call him an alcoholic, let him decide that. Let him know that you care for him but not his drinking behaviour. If you have talked to someone who knows about problem drinking and they are willing to talk to your SO then give your bf his number.

I knew an old married couple and the husband had once had a drinking problem. Actually it got pretty bad, alcohoic bad. Well one day after who knows how long the wife finally said to him, "You can stay, but that **** (alcohol) has to go." And that was that, He was not as bad an alcoholic as he might have been and so he was able to stop drinking. It scared him enough so that he quit cold turkey. I heard this story years later when they could both laugh about it.

This approach worked for one couple and might work for you, but it might not. How much crap are you willing to take?
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