nbay2013

I was raised by a narcissist father. My ex-husband and I used to have a joke. We would be in the other room listening to a conversation with family members and we would time how long my father would talk. After timing the conversation we realized he took up about 80 percent. He also has a habit of thinking about the next thing he is going to say while people are talking to him. He doesn't ask questions, unless they are rhetorical questions. He is not an alcoholic, but god help you when he does drink...he just gets worse at this. I say he is a narcissist not only because he is long winded. Generally if I challenge him or question him at anything serious I run the risk of angering him or even being cut out of his life for a long time. The worse thing that happened, was we had a big disagreement and because of that he wouldn't let my mother visit me alone; for 10 years. They are both old now; I mostly avoid them.

I am bringing this up because after being in a relationship for the last 5 years with my exab, I am starting to question what seems be a lot of self involved, long winded men, and even narcissistic men that are and have been in my life. Mind you, not the women, just the men. And now that I am studying co-dependent issues I am starting to question EVERYTHING. It's a very uncomfortable place to be. I have been on a dating site recently; I have only gone out on one date so far...because I keep on getting turned off by the completely one sided conversations that take place. I ask questions because I am interested and because it's polite. I expect that they will return the interest. But they don't. It's just like talking with my father. They just ramble on about , "me me me me me". By "me" I mean THEM. After being away from my ex-ab for over two months, I swear I have zero tolerance for self involvement.

My question to you all. Is this a typical man trait that I have to accept? Or, am I too tolerant of this type of narcissism? Or am I a magnet to self involved men? Or, am I too sensitive? I just ended an email conversation with a guy, because he wrote about 10 paragraphs about his opinions and in about 20 email exchanges has asked me nothing. Argggggg.

I can't quite figure this out.

Raider

No you do not have to accept conceited, self absorbed, men or women. Move on.

SoloMio

It amazes me how we seem to attract what we are so accustomed to. I really don't know how to answer you! I'm not qualified, having married a mirror image of my father, and still hanging on (after 35 years).

But if I could talk to my younger self, and what I would want to say to my own daughter is, get therapy. It takes a LOT to break patterns. It's really tough. You SAY you will not wind up with a certain kind of person and you wind up with three of them. My mother tried to warn me, but she couldn't.. I was already on the track headed for a head-on collision.

Maybe your situation is just a coincidence that you found a bunch of people on-line that are exactly like your father. But why not explore that a little?


ETA: I like the short answer Raider gave you. Yes, move on.

jaynie04

My father is painfully narcissistic, so is my mother, they divorced when I was 18 but I don't even remember seeing them in the same room. There probably wasn't enough oxygen in one room for both of them. I have been married for 16 years. My husband has a lot of things he could boast about, yet I have never in all our time together, heard him be anything but modest. He goes out of his way to be a gentlemen and to make other people feel comfortable and important. He is like that in his career, sports, with family. I would have to say it is my favorite quality about him.

I laughed about your rendition of timing your father talking. My husband's father is as bad if not worse than my father. He was a big deal in sports and oh my lord I have heard the same stories over and over and over and over. There was an event of about 100 people where 4 men were each being inducted into a hall of fame. The first 3 guys got up and talked for about 15 minutes each. My father-in-law was last. No joke-30 minutes in to the most grandiose speech some guy standing in the back collapsed. 45 minutes after he had started he was still talking as paramedics were wheeling the guy out on a stretcher. Beyond insane! I was looking at my husband across the room like OMG you can't make this up. I don't even want to think about how I am going to deal with this sober. Praise the lord he lives on the other side of the country!

If it looks like a narcissist and talks like a narcissist and talks like a narcissist and talks like a narcissist....well, you get my drift .....RUN!

nbay2013

thank you raider. I already have moved on..the trick for me is knowing if what I am seeing and what reall is true . it takes me a long time to recognize them .in this case I had a friend read the emails and she said OMG, he self absorbed and he's weird . so in this case I listen to my gut and got it double checked by a friend

.

nbay2013

Jaynie; That is a great story and no, you can't make this stuff up. My best friend has a friend that is a big talker and self absorbed. She had a Thanksgiving where my parents were invited and we were wondering how her friend and my dad would get along. As two narcissists, would they repel each other; who would win in dominating the conversation? We were amazed to find out they loved each other. Watching them was amusing. They didn't listen to each other, they just took turns telling the other about themselves.

For me it's trying to figure out what the narcissist sees in me, and why I can't recognize them for a long time. Back to therapy.

AnvilheadII

After being away from my ex-ab for over two months

it has only been two months...cut yourself some slack, give yourself a break and don't DO men for awhile. DO YOU.

jaynie04

F [/QUOTE]


I think children of narcissists become wonderful mirrors, because our biggest value to our parent is to provide them with a disrupted surface upon which to gaze at themselves. We learn to sublimate, contour, anticipate...we are unwittingly cast into the roles as young children.

It is not surprising that narcissists gravitate to us. We are well trained at reflecting back their greatness without question, we participate at magnifying it, diminishing ourselves in the process. But it is not something to be ashamed of, it runs very deep, as a child it is very confusing. I did 9 years of CBT, it helped a lot, but I still fall back on old patterns. There are times when it feels easier just to sink back into old habits, because doing things differently feels like too much work.

There are good guys out there. Hold out for that because you are worth it.

nbay2013

Yes, you are right. I have been told this in no uncertain terms by people on this site. I guess I am trying to get a fix from the dating sites and I know it's not good. My self esteem is pretty low right now. I am going to therapy, biking, photography. I still have not come to acceptance yet that my hopes/dreams of my relationship are over. I guess it takes awhile.

HealingWillCome

I don't think narcissism is a typical man trait. I know many good men who aren't self-absorbed. But I know many alcoholic/addict men who are completely self-absorbed narcissists.

Jaynie, I can so relate to your story about your father-in-law. Big deal male athletes, especially if they happen to be good looking and charming, are glorified from the time they are little boys. And big-deal athletes and alcohol almost always go hand-in-hand. I can't even count the number of men I know/have known in my life who are handsome, charming, big-deal athletes who often go on to be coaches and grow up to be alcoholics. My father was/is one, my ex-husband was/is one, and my recent exabf was/is one. When I met my exabf for the first time, my immediate thought was "Stay away, girl. He's a good-looking coach who's probably full of himself like most of them are." I stayed away for a long time, finally said yes to a date, and found out after 5 months of dating and a painful breakup that he was also a drug addict and alcoholic.

nbay, give yourself time. Keep trusting your instincts. Two months isn't very long. Looking for love before you're healthy and ready is dangerous. I found love and then quit working on me because the high I got from my exabf's love tricked me into thinking I was all better. I spent 5 years riding the roller coaster with him before I could finally accept that we are better off loving each other from a distance. I am single and lonely at times, but I am happy and at peace with who I am. I wouldn't trade it for the roller coaster again. Too much peace here.

LightInside

I have a tendency to date very soon after the end of a relationship, but not this time. I did end up getting an account on an online dating site, but I knew that wasn't going to help. I talked to a guy who was still married and even sleeping in the same bed as his wife. It was nice to have someone listen to me whine about my ex. He whined to about his wife. Then I realized he was a total sleaze for trying to get intimate with me before cutting that tie with her.
I talked to another guy on there one night and it was kind of like chatting with someone on SR. I told him how my ex had left me a single mom and his lame excuses. I was the selfish one going on & on about my problem. I did ask a couple of questions. Really, that stuff is nothing to build a relationship on. It was good to talk to someone, but a dating site is probably not the best place for me to go for that.
I have gotten intimate with a few guys since my break up 2.5 months ago. The first time was good, because I finally got to have fun with a guy (I hadn't with my ex in a LONG time), and I felt like I was cutting the cord from my ex. Every interaction since then has felt desperate or made me miss my ex more (my man from long ago). It's my version of chipping away at a frozen beer or crawling around on the floor fir tiny rocks of crack.
So I'm done with that for awhile. I started attending a 12 Step meeting for relationship addicts to. I'm not sure if I totally belong there in the long run, but I need to investigate that tendency. I've been that way since I was 15 - never going longer that 6 months without dating. This time I don't want to put a time limit. I want to date again when I feel complete and whole and unconditionally loving to myself.

LightInside

I just want to say too, the long-windedness of my X was my most disliked thing about my ex's behavior before our son was born. I felt so bad because I didn't want to listen to my own partner tell me about his day at work. He would talk for at least 30 minutes and not ask any questions of me if I didn't cut in. When he was drunk and when he had a coworker that he hated it got really bad. He shows off too, which is competition for a Leo like me. ;D
He could stay out all night at parties; get so drunk he vomited all day the next day; wake up on a lawn , covered in dog poop - fine. Just please, shut the duck up and ask me about myself sometimes! And there we see my sick little disease.

DylanS

Nbay,

I was raised by a mother that exhibited narcissistic and histrionic traits. My wife exhibits strong narcissistic traits. So, no, it's not just men, though I think most cultures create an unfortunate excellent petri dish for the creation of narcissistic men.

I'm reading a book, "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists - Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family" that is very helpful. I agree that we'll tend to be attracted to what was modeled by primary caregivers and, since my wife isn't full-on NPD, have chosen to work on the issues within the relationship. What was imprinted within me is still fully activated and, even if we broke up, I'd end up with someone with the same issues. I believe we can work on the issues single, of course, and perhaps you'll run into narcissists at work, etc., that will give you some healing practice before entering another relationship. It sure would be great to find a narcissist who was in recovery, but that'd be pretty hard to find, I think (since one of the hallmarks of a NPD individual is the belief that "it's not me it's you").

There's another book I've bought to read next, "The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection - Coping with Narcissists". I've only paged through this one, but it looks good, as well.

What's helped me a great deal in understanding narcissism is that the roots of the wounding are just the opposite side of the coin from my own. It's helped me have compassion, understanding, and an ability to see where my issues draw me to such partners.

HTH - it can get better with education, boundary skills and practice, practice, practice.