New here, unsure if I am overreacting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 73
New here, unsure if I am overreacting?
Hello everyone,
I have been reading thread after thread on this forum and finally decided to join so that I could share my story and perhaps get some feedback...this seems a wonderful community of people and I find it an encouraging place.
Not sure where to start , but here goes...My H and I met in elementary school and were sweethearts until middle school when he moved away. Found each other again via social media in 2011, and after a whirlwind courtship were married within months (and I moved out of state to be with him). In the beginning it was wonderful, he was sweet and attentive. He was up front with me that he was a cannabis user and 'liked to drink', and I was so in love it didn't matter, or really register, then. I don't have a personal issue with cannabis, but the state in which we live does. As far as drinking, I come from an Irish Catholic family so it seemed normal to me to have a beer or 2 with dinner, etc.
Moving along - within a week of our getting married, he lost his job and I had just gotten one after the move. I found out that he stole from his job and that was the major reason he was let go after 4 years. That should have been a red flag...but I stayed because I loved him and wanted to support him during his time of need. I worked more hours. I told him not to worry, I would take care of us until he found work. I suppose he took that to heart...there was a few week time period where he sort of looked for work, but spent the rest of the day texting me every 5 minutes or drinking and getting high. (side note - he claims cannabis to be medicine for his anxiety issues.) Because I was trying so desperately to take care of his every need out of love (which I now know - I was instant codependent/enabler), I would begrudgingly give him money for booze and cannabis, even though in the back of my mind the last semblance of my independent, sane self was screaming NOOOOOO!
After 3-4 months of his inability (or unwillingness?) to find work, he spiraled into a depression. He would be loving one day and cold the next. He began checking my phone, my emails, my mail. He began questioning who I was talking to while I was at work. He began forbidding me to have certain friends in my life anymore, created stories about things my mother had supposedly said about me (which interestingly enough was the night before my birthday, and he spent the day of my birthday 'doing all he could to make it better'), going through my things and grilling me about old letters and pictures. He even threw a fit upon learning my fitness instructor was male and in good shape. Made the excuse that he didn't like the part of town it was in and said he would feel so much better if I quit, knowing how much I loved the class.
He finally got unemployment a couple months later, which was close to $1000 a month. He would occasionally buy a few groceries, or cat litter/cat food...but never once did he hand me money, or offer to pay any bills. The rest went into the liquor cabinet and smoke. I waited to see (like a dummy
) if he would come around. Nothing. I asked if he would contribute, no response. Finally I got angry and confronted him, just as (of course) the unemployment ran out. His response : "I had no idea you needed it." 
We worked together at a fireworks stand for 4th of July, and again at New Years, which helped...but fast forward to March 2013, he gets arrested for possession of marijuana. (3rd offense, by the way.) Vehicle gets impounded. Who paid his bail and impound fees? Yep. Finally he gets a job in May of 2013 at a restaurant, which he hates. He pays his fines and his child support, buys groceries or gives me about $100 a week. He comes home with 2 big cans of Heineken or a 6 pack of Mickeys every night, and drinks that along with port, liquor, wine, or whatever is in the house, every night. He seldom gets drunk, but the sheer amount he drinks would put me on my posterior in a hot minute. We have his daughter every other weekend, who is 10 years old, and she has asked me why he drinks so much. He has gotten beer and drunk it in the car while driving, with me in the car. He smokes pot in the bathroom when his daughter is here, otherwise on the couch right beside me. He doesn't really get mean or verbally abusive, he just gets...sloppy. I don't like being around it, you know? He isn't the person I fell so hard and fast for.
Fast forward to this past August...I had set a boundary that he wasn't allowed to read my text messages, emails etc without asking me, so I had set up the screen lock on my phone. Apparently he had gotten sick of that, so one night he got a card reader (for the SD Card) and plugged it into his laptop. I did a juicing diet, took some before pics in a sports bra and underwear, as well as some after pics in the same. He sees this, flips out and goes on a rampage. He wakes me up demanding to know who I was sending half naked pics to, etc. When I say no one, and try to explain myself, he flies even more off the handle (yes he was drinking) and demands I prove it to him by opening my phone and email. I responded that I would not do anything while he was acting this way, and he proceeds to call me a long list of ugly names...I tell him he needs to leave the room, and he grabs his keys AND mine, and leaves out the door. This was 2 am, I didn't see him again til 9am, after I had to call off work since he had my keys. I was awake all night. He demanded again I prove it to him, then sat on the couch and cried, saying I didn't love him, I hated him, etc. Then, stupid me, I sat there and comforted him. I said I would show him my phone and things if he would be calm, and he said no, I had plenty of time to delete anything I needed to so it wouldn't help.
So, after that whole incident, I let him know I was thinking of leaving. That snapped something in his head I think, because he has been on his best behavior since then, though still drinking, and now (he hurt his back) drinking AND taking muscle relaxers. He sees no problem with that - says the alcohol makes them work better.
Anyway - I know that was long and thank you for reading....but I said all that to get to this question that has been bugging me for a few weeks now. I feel like I am being hoovered...I feel anxious and unsure and generally unsafe. I haven't felt safe all along really but especially since the last blowup. He is adamant that he will be the husband I need and be a good man and all that, and with the exception of the drinking, has seemingly stopped all other jealous/possessive/controlling behaviors he displayed previously. My question is - did I overreact by threatening to leave...am I stupid for staying despite how I feel inside...how did I go from an independent, happy, positive person to this broken shell who feels so isolated from the world?
I don't expect an answer really...I guess I just want to know I am not crazy and he really does have an issue. It just all seems so normal when you're in the middle of it daily...especially when he is still romantic, sweet, and present in the relationship. Any input would be great, and I thank you in advance.
I wish you all a pleasant evening and weekend - I dread weekends. How sad is that??
~hugs and warm smiles~
I have been reading thread after thread on this forum and finally decided to join so that I could share my story and perhaps get some feedback...this seems a wonderful community of people and I find it an encouraging place.
Not sure where to start , but here goes...My H and I met in elementary school and were sweethearts until middle school when he moved away. Found each other again via social media in 2011, and after a whirlwind courtship were married within months (and I moved out of state to be with him). In the beginning it was wonderful, he was sweet and attentive. He was up front with me that he was a cannabis user and 'liked to drink', and I was so in love it didn't matter, or really register, then. I don't have a personal issue with cannabis, but the state in which we live does. As far as drinking, I come from an Irish Catholic family so it seemed normal to me to have a beer or 2 with dinner, etc.
Moving along - within a week of our getting married, he lost his job and I had just gotten one after the move. I found out that he stole from his job and that was the major reason he was let go after 4 years. That should have been a red flag...but I stayed because I loved him and wanted to support him during his time of need. I worked more hours. I told him not to worry, I would take care of us until he found work. I suppose he took that to heart...there was a few week time period where he sort of looked for work, but spent the rest of the day texting me every 5 minutes or drinking and getting high. (side note - he claims cannabis to be medicine for his anxiety issues.) Because I was trying so desperately to take care of his every need out of love (which I now know - I was instant codependent/enabler), I would begrudgingly give him money for booze and cannabis, even though in the back of my mind the last semblance of my independent, sane self was screaming NOOOOOO!
After 3-4 months of his inability (or unwillingness?) to find work, he spiraled into a depression. He would be loving one day and cold the next. He began checking my phone, my emails, my mail. He began questioning who I was talking to while I was at work. He began forbidding me to have certain friends in my life anymore, created stories about things my mother had supposedly said about me (which interestingly enough was the night before my birthday, and he spent the day of my birthday 'doing all he could to make it better'), going through my things and grilling me about old letters and pictures. He even threw a fit upon learning my fitness instructor was male and in good shape. Made the excuse that he didn't like the part of town it was in and said he would feel so much better if I quit, knowing how much I loved the class.
He finally got unemployment a couple months later, which was close to $1000 a month. He would occasionally buy a few groceries, or cat litter/cat food...but never once did he hand me money, or offer to pay any bills. The rest went into the liquor cabinet and smoke. I waited to see (like a dummy
) if he would come around. Nothing. I asked if he would contribute, no response. Finally I got angry and confronted him, just as (of course) the unemployment ran out. His response : "I had no idea you needed it." We worked together at a fireworks stand for 4th of July, and again at New Years, which helped...but fast forward to March 2013, he gets arrested for possession of marijuana. (3rd offense, by the way.) Vehicle gets impounded. Who paid his bail and impound fees? Yep. Finally he gets a job in May of 2013 at a restaurant, which he hates. He pays his fines and his child support, buys groceries or gives me about $100 a week. He comes home with 2 big cans of Heineken or a 6 pack of Mickeys every night, and drinks that along with port, liquor, wine, or whatever is in the house, every night. He seldom gets drunk, but the sheer amount he drinks would put me on my posterior in a hot minute. We have his daughter every other weekend, who is 10 years old, and she has asked me why he drinks so much. He has gotten beer and drunk it in the car while driving, with me in the car. He smokes pot in the bathroom when his daughter is here, otherwise on the couch right beside me. He doesn't really get mean or verbally abusive, he just gets...sloppy. I don't like being around it, you know? He isn't the person I fell so hard and fast for.
Fast forward to this past August...I had set a boundary that he wasn't allowed to read my text messages, emails etc without asking me, so I had set up the screen lock on my phone. Apparently he had gotten sick of that, so one night he got a card reader (for the SD Card) and plugged it into his laptop. I did a juicing diet, took some before pics in a sports bra and underwear, as well as some after pics in the same. He sees this, flips out and goes on a rampage. He wakes me up demanding to know who I was sending half naked pics to, etc. When I say no one, and try to explain myself, he flies even more off the handle (yes he was drinking) and demands I prove it to him by opening my phone and email. I responded that I would not do anything while he was acting this way, and he proceeds to call me a long list of ugly names...I tell him he needs to leave the room, and he grabs his keys AND mine, and leaves out the door. This was 2 am, I didn't see him again til 9am, after I had to call off work since he had my keys. I was awake all night. He demanded again I prove it to him, then sat on the couch and cried, saying I didn't love him, I hated him, etc. Then, stupid me, I sat there and comforted him. I said I would show him my phone and things if he would be calm, and he said no, I had plenty of time to delete anything I needed to so it wouldn't help.
So, after that whole incident, I let him know I was thinking of leaving. That snapped something in his head I think, because he has been on his best behavior since then, though still drinking, and now (he hurt his back) drinking AND taking muscle relaxers. He sees no problem with that - says the alcohol makes them work better.Anyway - I know that was long and thank you for reading....but I said all that to get to this question that has been bugging me for a few weeks now. I feel like I am being hoovered...I feel anxious and unsure and generally unsafe. I haven't felt safe all along really but especially since the last blowup. He is adamant that he will be the husband I need and be a good man and all that, and with the exception of the drinking, has seemingly stopped all other jealous/possessive/controlling behaviors he displayed previously. My question is - did I overreact by threatening to leave...am I stupid for staying despite how I feel inside...how did I go from an independent, happy, positive person to this broken shell who feels so isolated from the world?
I don't expect an answer really...I guess I just want to know I am not crazy and he really does have an issue. It just all seems so normal when you're in the middle of it daily...especially when he is still romantic, sweet, and present in the relationship. Any input would be great, and I thank you in advance.
I wish you all a pleasant evening and weekend - I dread weekends. How sad is that??
~hugs and warm smiles~
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Wow. I find I difficult to give relationship advice. I guess I can only say that my experience has taught me (from two drunken relationships), for me, things only escalated from where you are. The drinking, the controlling, the paranoia, then it was violence, then it was jail. Because of these experiences, I would run as fast as I could. But only you can decide. There is danger where you are. By the way, I was the one who went to jail on spousal abuse charges. I bit him when tried to choke me. He called 911. He had bite marks, I had none. So I went to jail.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
You are completely sane. Listen to your intuitive sense. If you feel unsafe, trust that. Google the Gift of Fear and Mosaic Threat Assessment.
Sounds like you've got an addict on your hands, and it can get really confusing. Our loved ones mistreatment builds at the same time we are being undermined. It's not like a robbery, where it's clear your stuff is missing and you've been punched in the face.
Al Anon is a great place to listen to others stories, sort out your own confusion, and learn a little about how addiction manifests. Good luck!!
you might relate to some of these, and they're oddly funny and comforting: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Sounds like you've got an addict on your hands, and it can get really confusing. Our loved ones mistreatment builds at the same time we are being undermined. It's not like a robbery, where it's clear your stuff is missing and you've been punched in the face.
Al Anon is a great place to listen to others stories, sort out your own confusion, and learn a little about how addiction manifests. Good luck!!
you might relate to some of these, and they're oddly funny and comforting: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
He's showing you who he is. And, not once did I get the warm n fuzzies that he may want to stop the madness. Nope. He went from pot to muscle relaxers with his beer.
This is going to get way worse before it gets better... that's *IF* it ever gets better.
This is what I call Hell. Welcome to Alcohell.
This is going to get way worse before it gets better... that's *IF* it ever gets better.
This is what I call Hell. Welcome to Alcohell.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Agreed...he is showing you who he is. Believe him! He is a controlling abusive addict. He has no desire to be sober, since he doesn't even see the problem. You are likely in the "honeymoon" phase of domestic violence right now with him being mr sweet guy. But that won't last. Something will trigger him, and the cycle will start again.
You feel anxious, unsure, and generally unsafe. No one should feel like thatway in their own home. Call a domestic violence hotline, they are the experts and can give you great advice on what to do. Find an AlAnon meeting, and try a few meetings. You need support right now.
Doesn't sound like you've been married all that long. Better to make the hard choices now than 5 years down the road when it's worse. You have to take care of you first and foremost. Keep posting, call the DV hotline. We're here for you.
You feel anxious, unsure, and generally unsafe. No one should feel like thatway in their own home. Call a domestic violence hotline, they are the experts and can give you great advice on what to do. Find an AlAnon meeting, and try a few meetings. You need support right now.
Doesn't sound like you've been married all that long. Better to make the hard choices now than 5 years down the road when it's worse. You have to take care of you first and foremost. Keep posting, call the DV hotline. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Need to say that the choice of using the word "hoovering" really got to me. We don't really use that word here, more often it is just referred to as the "honeymoon period". I belonged to abuse websites, and that word is used on many of them. For anyone who doesn't know what that means, it means being sucked back into the relationship, (like a vacuum).
I may be wrong, but I am going to assume that his behavior has been bothering you for awhile, and you might just be trying to figure out just what it is.
From what I read above, it seems that he is trying to alienate you from your family and friends. Trying to control where you go, who you see, what you do.
I did like where he was telling you things that your mother supposedly said about you, and the next day on your birthday, he tries to come across as the big hero. (Lets call that emotional abuse)
Calls you a long list of ugly names (Can call that verbal abuse and emotional abuse)
Has you paying all the bill (financial abuse?)
Leaves and takes your keys and his keys (imprisonment)
You feel anxious, unsure, and generally unsafe (walking on eggshells?)
hoovering ----- I would say yes
you over reacting ---- no
are you crazy ---- no
You know I didn't even list many of the things that you wrote about. I didn't even touch on his drinking and drug use.
I went through all the things you are going through, and I kept trying to find an explanation. I wanted it to be me that was crazy, overreacting, over imaginative, because at least I could fix that.
Please keep posting here, I am sorry that you had to find SR, but you found a really great place. It's hard to finally start to talk about things that you would just wish would disappear, but it won't disappear, and it is not you.
And yes, call the DV hotline.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
I may be wrong, but I am going to assume that his behavior has been bothering you for awhile, and you might just be trying to figure out just what it is.
From what I read above, it seems that he is trying to alienate you from your family and friends. Trying to control where you go, who you see, what you do.
I did like where he was telling you things that your mother supposedly said about you, and the next day on your birthday, he tries to come across as the big hero. (Lets call that emotional abuse)
Calls you a long list of ugly names (Can call that verbal abuse and emotional abuse)
Has you paying all the bill (financial abuse?)
Leaves and takes your keys and his keys (imprisonment)
You feel anxious, unsure, and generally unsafe (walking on eggshells?)
hoovering ----- I would say yes
you over reacting ---- no
are you crazy ---- no
You know I didn't even list many of the things that you wrote about. I didn't even touch on his drinking and drug use.
I went through all the things you are going through, and I kept trying to find an explanation. I wanted it to be me that was crazy, overreacting, over imaginative, because at least I could fix that.
Please keep posting here, I am sorry that you had to find SR, but you found a really great place. It's hard to finally start to talk about things that you would just wish would disappear, but it won't disappear, and it is not you.
And yes, call the DV hotline.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
My only thought would be to take a break from him for a while. Tell him you need some space to figure some things out. Go stay with a relative or friend. Get some perspective from a distance. I have done that a few times when my AH gets really bad. I have stayed with my parents and one time a very close friend, sent him to rehab, whatever, but I have taken emotional breaks four times in my short 15 mo of marriage. In the short term, it really helped. I am still in alcohell too, but each time I take a break it gets easier and easier to think about what I need for me. I now work with a therapist and she has really helped. I'm not out yet, but I deal better than I ever did before and that is a huge gift.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Like many women in the Fand F forum, I also was in a situation of domestic abuse. Please stay with us and keep posting also read other threads.
Reread what you just posted but instead of NeedSomeHappy as a OP read
Raider, Boxnrotz, Amy55 or Carlotta. If one of us had posted that, what would you think and what would you advise us to do?
You probably would think that it is unacceptable and urge us to get away and take care of ourselves right? Well treatment you would deem unacceptable for us is unacceptable for you.
I would suggest that you always keep your purse, car keys (copy since he likes to steal the originals), cell phone by the door in case you need to take off. Also try to squirrel away some money on a little prepaid visa that you keep in that purse in case you need to take a motel room etc.
Welcome to SR. You are not alone anymore.
Reread what you just posted but instead of NeedSomeHappy as a OP read
Raider, Boxnrotz, Amy55 or Carlotta. If one of us had posted that, what would you think and what would you advise us to do?
You probably would think that it is unacceptable and urge us to get away and take care of ourselves right? Well treatment you would deem unacceptable for us is unacceptable for you.
I would suggest that you always keep your purse, car keys (copy since he likes to steal the originals), cell phone by the door in case you need to take off. Also try to squirrel away some money on a little prepaid visa that you keep in that purse in case you need to take a motel room etc.
Welcome to SR. You are not alone anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome to SR.
You are trying to hard to make a relationship work with someone who is simply not relationship material. I think you know this but keep hoping for the miracle... sigh... we all do.
Every fiber of my being says... Run. Run fast for the exit. Or... eject! eject! eject!
You are trying to hard to make a relationship work with someone who is simply not relationship material. I think you know this but keep hoping for the miracle... sigh... we all do.
Every fiber of my being says... Run. Run fast for the exit. Or... eject! eject! eject!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He isn't the person I fell so hard and fast for.
actually yeah he is....you were just so busy "falling" you couldn't see it.
now you do. now you don't like it. now it's time to make changes.
yes he has issues. but his issues, right now, have become YOUR issues. give them back to their rightful owner. this is not the life YOU want.
actually yeah he is....you were just so busy "falling" you couldn't see it.
now you do. now you don't like it. now it's time to make changes.
yes he has issues. but his issues, right now, have become YOUR issues. give them back to their rightful owner. this is not the life YOU want.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Please listen to your gut instinct. You are very sane and capable. You have a job, and had a life before you reconnected. Can you go back to where you moved from? Trust your instincts. Please get out while you are able to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, NeedSomeHappy, and glad you found SR. You've been given so much good information above there's not much for me to add.
I'd like to strongly suggest that you get to Alanon sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ If you wonder how Alanon can help you, you can search this forum for threads about Alanon and find out how much it has helped others here.
I'd also recommend spending some time here every day reading thru the threads, and don't miss the stickied ones at the top of the page. Check the suggested books to read and get started there, too. The more you know about what you're up against and the more tools you learn to help you deal with it, the clearer your path will become.
As you were told above, you are not alone any more. If you're willing to put forth the effort to make these first few steps in making your life better, you'll see your choices and you'll know what to do. You CAN do it.
I'd like to strongly suggest that you get to Alanon sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ If you wonder how Alanon can help you, you can search this forum for threads about Alanon and find out how much it has helped others here.
I'd also recommend spending some time here every day reading thru the threads, and don't miss the stickied ones at the top of the page. Check the suggested books to read and get started there, too. The more you know about what you're up against and the more tools you learn to help you deal with it, the clearer your path will become.
As you were told above, you are not alone any more. If you're willing to put forth the effort to make these first few steps in making your life better, you'll see your choices and you'll know what to do. You CAN do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 73
Thank you all so much for the perspective - I sincerely appreciate it.
The last week or so, he has been ultra sweet, even to the point of crying and saying he never wants to be without me. At first it felt good, but now, in the back of my head, it is starting to feel quite manipulative. And he said he was going to be looking for a job this week, but of course when I left for work this morning he was still in bed.
Last night he took 2 muscle relaxers and drank 8 beers plus a big glass of wine. He didn't even have a buzz, just seemed tired. That freaked me out a little - I would be wasted had I consumed that much. Falling down passing out wasted.
No I haven't been married that long - 2 years in November. I am planning on going to stay with my dad back home for at least 6 months, more likely 9 - he needs to get himself together, and this is his opportunity. When I told him (after this last blowup) that I was thinking of leaving he said 'But I can't afford this apartment without you'. I was pretty pissed about that lol...but hey, if I have to work hard and pay all the bills for almost 2 years - he will just have to figure it out. I need him to show me he is capable of being an equal partner and not take advantage of me.
'Back home' is several states away so he can't just show up uninvited, and I will be able to get some clarity and find an Al-Anon meeting to go to peacefully and on my own terms. I will look for a CoDA meeting as well.
My family is pushing for me to leave too, apparently they have seen changes in me they don't like, which also scares me.
Thank you everyone again - I really needed to know I am not crazy and overreacting and I shouldn't give him yet ANOTHER chance while putting myself out there....I need to take care of me.
The last week or so, he has been ultra sweet, even to the point of crying and saying he never wants to be without me. At first it felt good, but now, in the back of my head, it is starting to feel quite manipulative. And he said he was going to be looking for a job this week, but of course when I left for work this morning he was still in bed.
Last night he took 2 muscle relaxers and drank 8 beers plus a big glass of wine. He didn't even have a buzz, just seemed tired. That freaked me out a little - I would be wasted had I consumed that much. Falling down passing out wasted.
No I haven't been married that long - 2 years in November. I am planning on going to stay with my dad back home for at least 6 months, more likely 9 - he needs to get himself together, and this is his opportunity. When I told him (after this last blowup) that I was thinking of leaving he said 'But I can't afford this apartment without you'. I was pretty pissed about that lol...but hey, if I have to work hard and pay all the bills for almost 2 years - he will just have to figure it out. I need him to show me he is capable of being an equal partner and not take advantage of me.
'Back home' is several states away so he can't just show up uninvited, and I will be able to get some clarity and find an Al-Anon meeting to go to peacefully and on my own terms. I will look for a CoDA meeting as well.
My family is pushing for me to leave too, apparently they have seen changes in me they don't like, which also scares me.
Thank you everyone again - I really needed to know I am not crazy and overreacting and I shouldn't give him yet ANOTHER chance while putting myself out there....I need to take care of me.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Get out if you can. It will only get worse.
Originally Posted by NeedSomeHappy 
Hello everyone,
I have been reading thread after thread on this forum and finally decided to join so that I could share my story and perhaps get some feedback...this seems a wonderful community of people and I find it an encouraging place.
Not sure where to start , but here goes...My H and I met in elementary school and were sweethearts until middle school when he moved away. Found each other again via social media in 2011, and after a whirlwind courtship were married within months (and I moved out of state to be with him). In the beginning it was wonderful, he was sweet and attentive. He was up front with me that he was a cannabis user and 'liked to drink', and I was so in love it didn't matter, or really register, then. I don't have a personal issue with cannabis, but the state in which we live does. As far as drinking, I come from an Irish Catholic family so it seemed normal to me to have a beer or 2 with dinner, etc.
Moving along - within a week of our getting married, he lost his job and I had just gotten one after the move. I found out that he stole from his job and that was the major reason he was let go after 4 years. That should have been a red flag...but I stayed because I loved him and wanted to support him during his time of need. I worked more hours. I told him not to worry, I would take care of us until he found work. I suppose he took that to heart...there was a few week time period where he sort of looked for work, but spent the rest of the day texting me every 5 minutes or drinking and getting high. (side note - he claims cannabis to be medicine for his anxiety issues.) Because I was trying so desperately to take care of his every need out of love (which I now know - I was instant codependent/enabler), I would begrudgingly give him money for booze and cannabis, even though in the back of my mind the last semblance of my independent, sane self was screaming NOOOOOO!
After 3-4 months of his inability (or unwillingness?) to find work, he spiraled into a depression. He would be loving one day and cold the next. He began checking my phone, my emails, my mail. He began questioning who I was talking to while I was at work. He began forbidding me to have certain friends in my life anymore, created stories about things my mother had supposedly said about me (which interestingly enough was the night before my birthday, and he spent the day of my birthday 'doing all he could to make it better'), going through my things and grilling me about old letters and pictures. He even threw a fit upon learning my fitness instructor was male and in good shape. Made the excuse that he didn't like the part of town it was in and said he would feel so much better if I quit, knowing how much I loved the class.
He finally got unemployment a couple months later, which was close to $1000 a month. He would occasionally buy a few groceries, or cat litter/cat food...but never once did he hand me money, or offer to pay any bills. The rest went into the liquor cabinet and smoke. I waited to see (like a dummy ) if he would come around. Nothing. I asked if he would contribute, no response. Finally I got angry and confronted him, just as (of course) the unemployment ran out. His response : "I had no idea you needed it."
We worked together at a fireworks stand for 4th of July, and again at New Years, which helped...but fast forward to March 2013, he gets arrested for possession of marijuana. (3rd offense, by the way.) Vehicle gets impounded. Who paid his bail and impound fees? Yep. Finally he gets a job in May of 2013 at a restaurant, which he hates. He pays his fines and his child support, buys groceries or gives me about $100 a week. He comes home with 2 big cans of Heineken or a 6 pack of Mickeys every night, and drinks that along with port, liquor, wine, or whatever is in the house, every night. He seldom gets drunk, but the sheer amount he drinks would put me on my posterior in a hot minute. We have his daughter every other weekend, who is 10 years old, and she has asked me why he drinks so much. He has gotten beer and drunk it in the car while driving, with me in the car. He smokes pot in the bathroom when his daughter is here, otherwise on the couch right beside me. He doesn't really get mean or verbally abusive, he just gets...sloppy. I don't like being around it, you know? He isn't the person I fell so hard and fast for.
Fast forward to this past August...I had set a boundary that he wasn't allowed to read my text messages, emails etc without asking me, so I had set up the screen lock on my phone. Apparently he had gotten sick of that, so one night he got a card reader (for the SD Card) and plugged it into his laptop. I did a juicing diet, took some before pics in a sports bra and underwear, as well as some after pics in the same. He sees this, flips out and goes on a rampage. He wakes me up demanding to know who I was sending half naked pics to, etc. When I say no one, and try to explain myself, he flies even more off the handle (yes he was drinking) and demands I prove it to him by opening my phone and email. I responded that I would not do anything while he was acting this way, and he proceeds to call me a long list of ugly names...I tell him he needs to leave the room, and he grabs his keys AND mine, and leaves out the door. This was 2 am, I didn't see him again til 9am, after I had to call off work since he had my keys. I was awake all night. He demanded again I prove it to him, then sat on the couch and cried, saying I didn't love him, I hated him, etc. Then, stupid me, I sat there and comforted him. I said I would show him my phone and things if he would be calm, and he said no, I had plenty of time to delete anything I needed to so it wouldn't help. So, after that whole incident, I let him know I was thinking of leaving. That snapped something in his head I think, because he has been on his best behavior since then, though still drinking, and now (he hurt his back) drinking AND taking muscle relaxers. He sees no problem with that - says the alcohol makes them work better.
Anyway - I know that was long and thank you for reading....but I said all that to get to this question that has been bugging me for a few weeks now. I feel like I am being hoovered...I feel anxious and unsure and generally unsafe. I haven't felt safe all along really but especially since the last blowup. He is adamant that he will be the husband I need and be a good man and all that, and with the exception of the drinking, has seemingly stopped all other jealous/possessive/controlling behaviors he displayed previously. My question is - did I overreact by threatening to leave...am I stupid for staying despite how I feel inside...how did I go from an independent, happy, positive person to this broken shell who feels so isolated from the world?
I don't expect an answer really...I guess I just want to know I am not crazy and he really does have an issue. It just all seems so normal when you're in the middle of it daily...especially when he is still romantic, sweet, and present in the relationship. Any input would be great, and I thank you in advance.
I wish you all a pleasant evening and weekend - I dread weekends. How sad is that??
~hugs and warm smiles~
I have been reading thread after thread on this forum and finally decided to join so that I could share my story and perhaps get some feedback...this seems a wonderful community of people and I find it an encouraging place.
Not sure where to start , but here goes...My H and I met in elementary school and were sweethearts until middle school when he moved away. Found each other again via social media in 2011, and after a whirlwind courtship were married within months (and I moved out of state to be with him). In the beginning it was wonderful, he was sweet and attentive. He was up front with me that he was a cannabis user and 'liked to drink', and I was so in love it didn't matter, or really register, then. I don't have a personal issue with cannabis, but the state in which we live does. As far as drinking, I come from an Irish Catholic family so it seemed normal to me to have a beer or 2 with dinner, etc.
Moving along - within a week of our getting married, he lost his job and I had just gotten one after the move. I found out that he stole from his job and that was the major reason he was let go after 4 years. That should have been a red flag...but I stayed because I loved him and wanted to support him during his time of need. I worked more hours. I told him not to worry, I would take care of us until he found work. I suppose he took that to heart...there was a few week time period where he sort of looked for work, but spent the rest of the day texting me every 5 minutes or drinking and getting high. (side note - he claims cannabis to be medicine for his anxiety issues.) Because I was trying so desperately to take care of his every need out of love (which I now know - I was instant codependent/enabler), I would begrudgingly give him money for booze and cannabis, even though in the back of my mind the last semblance of my independent, sane self was screaming NOOOOOO!
After 3-4 months of his inability (or unwillingness?) to find work, he spiraled into a depression. He would be loving one day and cold the next. He began checking my phone, my emails, my mail. He began questioning who I was talking to while I was at work. He began forbidding me to have certain friends in my life anymore, created stories about things my mother had supposedly said about me (which interestingly enough was the night before my birthday, and he spent the day of my birthday 'doing all he could to make it better'), going through my things and grilling me about old letters and pictures. He even threw a fit upon learning my fitness instructor was male and in good shape. Made the excuse that he didn't like the part of town it was in and said he would feel so much better if I quit, knowing how much I loved the class.
He finally got unemployment a couple months later, which was close to $1000 a month. He would occasionally buy a few groceries, or cat litter/cat food...but never once did he hand me money, or offer to pay any bills. The rest went into the liquor cabinet and smoke. I waited to see (like a dummy
) if he would come around. Nothing. I asked if he would contribute, no response. Finally I got angry and confronted him, just as (of course) the unemployment ran out. His response : "I had no idea you needed it." We worked together at a fireworks stand for 4th of July, and again at New Years, which helped...but fast forward to March 2013, he gets arrested for possession of marijuana. (3rd offense, by the way.) Vehicle gets impounded. Who paid his bail and impound fees? Yep. Finally he gets a job in May of 2013 at a restaurant, which he hates. He pays his fines and his child support, buys groceries or gives me about $100 a week. He comes home with 2 big cans of Heineken or a 6 pack of Mickeys every night, and drinks that along with port, liquor, wine, or whatever is in the house, every night. He seldom gets drunk, but the sheer amount he drinks would put me on my posterior in a hot minute. We have his daughter every other weekend, who is 10 years old, and she has asked me why he drinks so much. He has gotten beer and drunk it in the car while driving, with me in the car. He smokes pot in the bathroom when his daughter is here, otherwise on the couch right beside me. He doesn't really get mean or verbally abusive, he just gets...sloppy. I don't like being around it, you know? He isn't the person I fell so hard and fast for.
Fast forward to this past August...I had set a boundary that he wasn't allowed to read my text messages, emails etc without asking me, so I had set up the screen lock on my phone. Apparently he had gotten sick of that, so one night he got a card reader (for the SD Card) and plugged it into his laptop. I did a juicing diet, took some before pics in a sports bra and underwear, as well as some after pics in the same. He sees this, flips out and goes on a rampage. He wakes me up demanding to know who I was sending half naked pics to, etc. When I say no one, and try to explain myself, he flies even more off the handle (yes he was drinking) and demands I prove it to him by opening my phone and email. I responded that I would not do anything while he was acting this way, and he proceeds to call me a long list of ugly names...I tell him he needs to leave the room, and he grabs his keys AND mine, and leaves out the door. This was 2 am, I didn't see him again til 9am, after I had to call off work since he had my keys. I was awake all night. He demanded again I prove it to him, then sat on the couch and cried, saying I didn't love him, I hated him, etc. Then, stupid me, I sat there and comforted him. I said I would show him my phone and things if he would be calm, and he said no, I had plenty of time to delete anything I needed to so it wouldn't help.
So, after that whole incident, I let him know I was thinking of leaving. That snapped something in his head I think, because he has been on his best behavior since then, though still drinking, and now (he hurt his back) drinking AND taking muscle relaxers. He sees no problem with that - says the alcohol makes them work better.Anyway - I know that was long and thank you for reading....but I said all that to get to this question that has been bugging me for a few weeks now. I feel like I am being hoovered...I feel anxious and unsure and generally unsafe. I haven't felt safe all along really but especially since the last blowup. He is adamant that he will be the husband I need and be a good man and all that, and with the exception of the drinking, has seemingly stopped all other jealous/possessive/controlling behaviors he displayed previously. My question is - did I overreact by threatening to leave...am I stupid for staying despite how I feel inside...how did I go from an independent, happy, positive person to this broken shell who feels so isolated from the world?
I don't expect an answer really...I guess I just want to know I am not crazy and he really does have an issue. It just all seems so normal when you're in the middle of it daily...especially when he is still romantic, sweet, and present in the relationship. Any input would be great, and I thank you in advance.
I wish you all a pleasant evening and weekend - I dread weekends. How sad is that??
~hugs and warm smiles~
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