New Here, looking for support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Hi Tracey and Welcome!!! Keep coming here and posting it really does help. I think it's terrific that you're going to an al-anon meeting tonight. After thinking about it for over 6 months I finally went to my first one about 2 months. I can only go once a week. I wish I could find time to go to more but I'm a single mom now with 3 kids so it's kinda of hard to find the extra time.
I've been separated from my A almost 2 years. We've been together 9 years - the last 2 living apart. We have separate lives now but used to talk almost daily. We have 3 children that he ignores unless I'm involved.
I understand how you feel. Although my A says he knows he is an alcoholic - he choses not to do anything about it. He says I quit smoking pot - I just can't seem to quit drinking. So he still goes out to bars every night after work and drinks a case of beer a night. He blacks out all of the time. I really scared that something terrible is going to happen to him but I have learned that I can't control it and I've turned it over to my HP. He's in God's hands now.
I'm so glad that you've found us. Read over some of the other post and you'll find that most of our stories are very similar which makes it nice and comforting to know that we really do understand and know how you feel. We all help each other in one way or another.
It makes it really hard to decide what to do when the addict is sober and is a really wonderful, hard working, funny, and full of compliments kind of person. That's how my A was and still is but it's the trust and respect thing that I can't live with or shall I say lack of trust and respect.
I am working on me now instead of him which is all new to me. I'm learning how to be alone and like being alone. Good luck and let us know how your meeting goes.
Love,
Galnva
I've been separated from my A almost 2 years. We've been together 9 years - the last 2 living apart. We have separate lives now but used to talk almost daily. We have 3 children that he ignores unless I'm involved.
I understand how you feel. Although my A says he knows he is an alcoholic - he choses not to do anything about it. He says I quit smoking pot - I just can't seem to quit drinking. So he still goes out to bars every night after work and drinks a case of beer a night. He blacks out all of the time. I really scared that something terrible is going to happen to him but I have learned that I can't control it and I've turned it over to my HP. He's in God's hands now.
I'm so glad that you've found us. Read over some of the other post and you'll find that most of our stories are very similar which makes it nice and comforting to know that we really do understand and know how you feel. We all help each other in one way or another.
It makes it really hard to decide what to do when the addict is sober and is a really wonderful, hard working, funny, and full of compliments kind of person. That's how my A was and still is but it's the trust and respect thing that I can't live with or shall I say lack of trust and respect.
I am working on me now instead of him which is all new to me. I'm learning how to be alone and like being alone. Good luck and let us know how your meeting goes.
Love,
Galnva
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 7
Hi Tracey;
I am new here too. My A and I have been seperated since last August. He is now in jail for a third DUI. I came to this board for many reasons, one being to remind me WHY I chose out of the marraige. For what seems like an eternity I sat on the edge of my seat, waited for the next relapse, scared to answer the phone when he was late, acted like a police officer (I hated what I had become). My stomache would fall when he pulled in the driveway because I didn't know what condition he'd be in. He was (WAS) a loving, caring, wonderful person too, but that person has vanished. It is like a death. Once you leave, the weight is lifted. It's a different kind of pain, but at least you know this pain will eventually heal - you have control again.
I started to miss him a few weeks ago and went to visit him in jail for the first time (4 months in). It validated why I left, and now I continue to go forward.
Good Luck!
Sidmom
PS. In response to your second email. I do drink wine too, but can control it as well. I don't make excuses because my A doesnt live there, but I am very aware because of what I have seen him become. It's crazy but I can now spot an alcoholic in a crowd.
I am new here too. My A and I have been seperated since last August. He is now in jail for a third DUI. I came to this board for many reasons, one being to remind me WHY I chose out of the marraige. For what seems like an eternity I sat on the edge of my seat, waited for the next relapse, scared to answer the phone when he was late, acted like a police officer (I hated what I had become). My stomache would fall when he pulled in the driveway because I didn't know what condition he'd be in. He was (WAS) a loving, caring, wonderful person too, but that person has vanished. It is like a death. Once you leave, the weight is lifted. It's a different kind of pain, but at least you know this pain will eventually heal - you have control again.
I started to miss him a few weeks ago and went to visit him in jail for the first time (4 months in). It validated why I left, and now I continue to go forward.
Good Luck!
Sidmom
PS. In response to your second email. I do drink wine too, but can control it as well. I don't make excuses because my A doesnt live there, but I am very aware because of what I have seen him become. It's crazy but I can now spot an alcoholic in a crowd.
Guest
Posts: n/a
New Here, looking for support.
Hi All,
I'm new here and could really use some help. I've been married to an alcoholic for 15 years. Of course, he refuses to admit he has a problem even though it has caused problems in our marriage and money problems for years. I am at the end of my rope. My husband thinks that because he is not abusive to me our our kids and doesn't start drinking until he gets home from work that he does not have a problem. However, as soon as he gets home from work he starts drinking and doesn't stop until he goes to bed. On the weekends, he starts as soon as the clock strikes noon and doesn't stop until bed. He thinks because he drinks only beer, that this is fine. (I guess I should be thankful he doesn't drink vodka anymore) He would go through a gallon of vodka every 2-3 days. He just goes through a six pack or better a night and at least double that on the weekend. I have no desire to have sex with him because it takes forever. He refuses to admit that the booze affects his performance. He claims the reason it takes so long is because he feels pressure from me to perform. I'm sorry, but after an hour, I lose all interest. We started seeing a marriage counseler about 3 months ago, but he doesn't like here. He feels she is pro-me and anti-him. I should mention that she confronted him about his drinking and flat out asked him what it felt like to be an alcolholic. I am willing to try another counseler, even though I like her, but I don't think the results would be any different. He feels like it's all my problem and I'm trying to change him. Maybe I am. I just can't live like this anymore. I also see this counseler myself because I've been diagnosed with depression and am on meds for it. She has made me realize that I am an enabler and co-dependent. And hopefully I'll learn how to deal with it. He makes it seem like he is such a martyr because he never does anything and doesn't have any friends but I have friends and go do things. I'm not perfect. I have plenty of faults too. But, I'm tired of feeling trapped and miserable. I plan on attending my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, because I don't know what to expect. I feel like I'm just sitting here typing and not making any sense. I have so many years of pent up anger that I could probably type all day. But, I won't. Any advice, words of wisdom, etc, is greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Tracy
I'm new here and could really use some help. I've been married to an alcoholic for 15 years. Of course, he refuses to admit he has a problem even though it has caused problems in our marriage and money problems for years. I am at the end of my rope. My husband thinks that because he is not abusive to me our our kids and doesn't start drinking until he gets home from work that he does not have a problem. However, as soon as he gets home from work he starts drinking and doesn't stop until he goes to bed. On the weekends, he starts as soon as the clock strikes noon and doesn't stop until bed. He thinks because he drinks only beer, that this is fine. (I guess I should be thankful he doesn't drink vodka anymore) He would go through a gallon of vodka every 2-3 days. He just goes through a six pack or better a night and at least double that on the weekend. I have no desire to have sex with him because it takes forever. He refuses to admit that the booze affects his performance. He claims the reason it takes so long is because he feels pressure from me to perform. I'm sorry, but after an hour, I lose all interest. We started seeing a marriage counseler about 3 months ago, but he doesn't like here. He feels she is pro-me and anti-him. I should mention that she confronted him about his drinking and flat out asked him what it felt like to be an alcolholic. I am willing to try another counseler, even though I like her, but I don't think the results would be any different. He feels like it's all my problem and I'm trying to change him. Maybe I am. I just can't live like this anymore. I also see this counseler myself because I've been diagnosed with depression and am on meds for it. She has made me realize that I am an enabler and co-dependent. And hopefully I'll learn how to deal with it. He makes it seem like he is such a martyr because he never does anything and doesn't have any friends but I have friends and go do things. I'm not perfect. I have plenty of faults too. But, I'm tired of feeling trapped and miserable. I plan on attending my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, because I don't know what to expect. I feel like I'm just sitting here typing and not making any sense. I have so many years of pent up anger that I could probably type all day. But, I won't. Any advice, words of wisdom, etc, is greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Tracy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome Tracy,
Other wives will be along shortly and will reply to your message.
It sounds to me that you are doing all the right things. The meetings will offer extra support and lots of information.
Please read through all of our posts here and post and share your feelings anytime. We all vent here.
MG
Other wives will be along shortly and will reply to your message.
It sounds to me that you are doing all the right things. The meetings will offer extra support and lots of information.
Please read through all of our posts here and post and share your feelings anytime. We all vent here.
MG
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cincinnati, ohio
Posts: 82
Tracy-Sid
Welcome!!!
You are in the right place to vent. We all do when we need to.
Keep going to meetings and keep posting, you are on your way!!! It's not a quick fix but there is light at the end of the tunnel. ( I can say that today,(I am in a good place in my mind) maybe not tomorrow
)
Welcome!!!
You are in the right place to vent. We all do when we need to.
Keep going to meetings and keep posting, you are on your way!!! It's not a quick fix but there is light at the end of the tunnel. ( I can say that today,(I am in a good place in my mind) maybe not tomorrow
)
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome,
You make perfect sense...we all get it because in one way or another we all live it. Go to your meeting and open your mind and your heart to the 12 steps. Get yourself some literature while you are there...alot is free and many meetings have lending libraries. Melody Beattie is a highly regarded author about codependency issues..pick up a book by her.
Take your time to become educated and you may see alot of yourself in the learning...and perhaps you can make future decsions based on a solid base instead of a feeling of entrapment.
Come back...and again, welcome..
You make perfect sense...we all get it because in one way or another we all live it. Go to your meeting and open your mind and your heart to the 12 steps. Get yourself some literature while you are there...alot is free and many meetings have lending libraries. Melody Beattie is a highly regarded author about codependency issues..pick up a book by her.
Take your time to become educated and you may see alot of yourself in the learning...and perhaps you can make future decsions based on a solid base instead of a feeling of entrapment.
Come back...and again, welcome..
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