date night
 

Almost 2 weeks and yet again ...the end of sobreity.
Ah got paid yesterday so go figure. I sort of saw it coming.he was acting like a d*** always going to be a d*** . Tonight was suppose to be a date night . A movie and some good eats in the comfort of home . Well it went to crap fast because it was obvious ah had been drinking.
He talked the entire movie. Acted like an annoying kid messing with me the entire time.
I couldn't hear the movie at all.....I got confused during it because he wouldnt stop.
It was irritating. I stayed up just towatch it with him. And I ended up listening to his yapping and then belittling me at random scenes.
Then he continuesly tred to get me to pause the movie and leave the living room for random things...telling me to go to the restroom to which I said I dont need to go or asking me to go get a blanket from the hall to which I responded theres a blanket right here . Obviously his alcohol stash was hidden in the living room. I just wanted to finish the movie and head to bed. Eventually ah flipped out belittled me yelled and acted like a nut.
Thats no exaggeration. He was picking a fight with full force and it wasnt subtle and it wasnt rational and he had the nerve to make it like I did something and when I difnt fight back he kept at it. It drove him even more angry. Its like he wanted a response. I didnt give him any. I didnt even point out that he had been drinking. I just didnt care enough too and I fidnt care that he was upset.cry me a river.
I did shed a tear.

Natural reaction when someones being a bully to which he made it like I was manipulating the situation by crying. Please. Hes nuts.
I still did not respond to any of it. I walked off and went to sleep. He cane in twice abd trued to pick a fight. I simply said goodnight.
I always think in moments like that..
Had someone else witnessed he crazyness that is an alcoholic. ...if someone saw it all.
Theyde simply say hes crazy and im crazy for being with him.
Honestly theyde be right. What an ugly man I put up with.

Oh my, I sure can relate. I'm so sorry your date night ended up like that. I am sending you a big virtual hug right now. (((thislonelygirl)))

I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. It was our anniversary and the kids went to my parents for the weekend. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we might be able to have a nice time together. But of course not. My AH was obnoxious the whole time. When we went out for dinner his steak tasted bad apparently, and he complained about it roughly every 5 minutes for the rest of the weekend. I tried to watch a movie with him too, and I had to turn it off and go to bed because he wouldn't shut up, he kept going on and on about how much he hated the movie (I picked it) and saying viciously mean things about all the actors. In retrospect, he probably did that on purpose because he wanted to go down in the basement and drink; which he did get to do.

It all just sucks.

Hi lonelygirl,
I have had exactly the same. Whenever myself and my AH decided to spend time together he always found an excuse to 'just pop out for a minute' finally by the end of the night there was no point in us spending time together.
He would get to a certain level of drunkeness where his verbal abuse would kick in, then when I got defensive he would become 'very sorry etc. etc. etc.' finally he would pass out.
I have now decided that any time I want to spend enjoying company, or any time just as my 'time out' will not be spent with AH.
Have a date night for you.........do something you will enjoy, in a environment you feel comfortable in......enjoy.

What would be the reason for pointing out that he'd been drinking? Both of you knew it, no surprises there.

I'm sorry you spent your date night this way; seems like you would have had a more enjoyable time if you had left the house and done something YOU liked!

I don't know if you're involved in Alanon but would once again suggest getting involved if you're not. Learning about boundaries and detachment might give you some tools to avoid scenes like this.

Also, there are at least 3 current threads going on in this forum about boundaries--if you care to read thru those, they might help you see some ways to handle this type of situation in a less painful way for you.

Again, sorry your evening was so unpleasant, and hoping you can find some ways to avoid being in that spot again.

I'm so sorry - I agree with the above posters - go have a date night with yourself or for you and a friend - YOU DESERVE IT!

My Abf has reined in his drinking over the last 2.5 months and is doing really well....but it's like all of his energy is going into not drinking except for the appropriate 2 beers a week, so - there are no more date nights.

I'm starting to feel like he just thinks I'm the evil roommate that took away the thing he loves in life the most... and yeah, I didn't make him quit. He did it so I wouldn't leave him. Evidently, he wanted someone to just sit at home in misery with. Well, thanks to Alanon and advice here, it's not going to be this girl, I've got FUN and HAPPY and HEALTHY things to do - if you lived here, we'd go have a ball together!!

For the past year or so everything my A and I have done as "time together" has incorporated beer somewhere. (off the top of my head I'm thinking bowling,finding a bar in the middle of a shopping day in a shopping mall, he even had to stop off for a beer whilst we were in the line for a ride at disney) I think I have just came to accept "the point at which he gets drunk" as a part of every social thing we do.
I'm really sorry your date night was ruined but , for what its worth, sharing it here has really helped me in forming another boundary.

I am impressed you tried to have a date night. I will not go anywhere in public with my AH, especially at night. I have had enough experience to know it will not end well. I am glad you posted this. I was wondering how other people handle doing normal things such as date night with their A's. My AH has left the past two weekends. He says he is staying here this weekend. I am wondering what I can do to stay away from him. I think you handled the situation beautifully. And please know that none of the things he says to you or about you are true. He is trying to hurt you and to get a reaction. Unfortunately, when someone is angry and the other person remains calm, it only heightens the anger in the other person. Because they are looking for a fight.
I agree with above post, treat yourself to a date night with a friend

what's your definition of sobriety? What does it mean to you?

might i suggest no more date nights? you are attempting to have NORMAL while living with CRAZY and it won't work. it will not work the way you dream hope or envision.

HIS Priority is to......DRINK.
his second priority evidently is to keep you constantly on the beat down, to use you as his personal whippingboy/scapegoat/target...of all his pent up crap.

time to get really REAL about what is REALLY going on. face it head on and deal with it. he is an abusive alcoholic. he can't be that "sharing a bowl of popcorn watching a movie" guy. he doesn't see you as a partner or an equal, he doesn't even really SEE you at all anymore.

get out of the house more, get away from him more and see what that feels like. to be able to breathe, speak your mind, take yourself to a movie and WATCH the whole thing. and ask yourself why you keep going back? what REALLY holds you to someone who is so horrid to you?

Dear thislonelygirl,

So sorry that your date night ended so badly. Sending you lots of hugs. I can really relate, iv been where you are now and I know how low you can feel. I hope you don't mind my asking, is he always that way towards you?

Hugs x

A lot of us are "stuck" in these situations for a variety of reasons. I do not know anything about your situation. But, I can speak for myself, I know my life is not normal. I would love to be able to go to a movie or be able to get out of the house and breathe. But unfortunately when AH is at home, those things are not possible and so I do as she does and try and try again to make the best out of the situation. Until I am able to leave the situation, then I have to appease the AH as much as possible. I would imagine maybe that is what she was doing also. I think if all things were normal NONE of is would be or stay in these situations. But we cannot criticize someone when we have not walked in their shoes.

I agree with both sides here -- nobody wants to blame the victim, but the victim needs to recognize and harness the power she does have to strive for other things. It's extremely difficult while you're in the situation to see the opportunities to get out or to have better influences in your life -- hell, opportunities at all. So much energy and emotional reserve is depleted by living with an alcoholic.

But ultimately, for me and many others who left, this was the process: "get out of the house more, get away from him more and see what that feels like. to be able to breathe, speak your mind, take yourself to a movie and WATCH the whole thing. and ask yourself why you keep going back? what REALLY holds you to someone who is so horrid to you?"

You get out more, see other things, feel good in your own skin, remember what it felt like to have time to yourself and/or time with loved ones wtihout the crazy pushing and pulling from the alcoyholic ruining your time. You learn what it is like to have money that's all your own. You make new friends. And with this personal growth, you start to get some distance from his crazy. And that crazy stops looking like something you can put up with for a lifetime.

You only get one life. How much of it will you reserve for him and his ugliness? It's not a question that needs a number, but it is a question that needs to be in your mind. Also, what will you do for yourself this weekend? Bubble bath? Movie by yourself? Coffee with a girlfriend? A solo run? How do you treat yourself? How do you love yourself?

"A lot of us are "stuck" in these situations for a variety of reasons." (new beginnings)

^^^^^^^URGH^^^^^

Please, Please, know I am very empathetic, I get it, I really do, but i hate the word stuck, stuck seems so hopeless,.................

Simply, I refused to allow an out of control addict to rule my world, Once I allowed myself CHOICE I wasn't stuck at all.

We are NEVER really stuck, there are always options, yes those options might take our way our comfort, or a standard of living, but what quality of life do you actually have with an unavailable active addict???

I was never so alone and out of touch with the rest of the world as I was when I was with an out of control active alkie.

Thislonelygirl, I have been reading through your roller coaster ride for a year now...and I think he's shown you who he is time and again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I know you're expecting another baby and things are difficult. At some point, having kids and having another baby has to stop being the reason NOT to make changes, but the reason TO make them. He has told you through his actions, over and over, that he is not interested in making changes. If your lives are going to improve, it is going to have to start with you.

I say this with love and respect. I know from your posts you have a good head on your shoulders. And you have a big heart, too, but letting it make your decisions is going to keep you right where you are.

Chill out people. Go walk around the block, get some air, turn off your computer and come back tomorrow.

Kindly post _only_ your personal experience on the original question. Complaining about other people's posts is not constructive or supportive.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Thanks all. Suckered into a date night that was his idea.
I figured wth. Big mistake!
Normally I dont make plans with him...if I can avoid it mostly because of being stuck in the agreement to go through with the plans and then their utter failure. Leaving me hitting my head against the wall.
So glad I handled the crazy better than I would have in the past.
I kept responding to a minimum. ...no arguing back ...I left to bed and he left the house. I got good sleep despite him taking off and being gone for who knows how long.
I think at the point when we began watching the movie and I realized he had beenwdrinking (clearly not shutting up!) I just wanted to get through the movie with as much enjoyment as I could. ...I did want to see it and I knew if I cut it off midway he would have went bizerk anyhow.
Normally or should I say here lately I dont watch movies with him or make plans if I can avoid it.
I don't make "promises" I cant keep with an alcoholic. If that makes any sense.
One of his rantings last night was bashing me about being in alanon.
Then talking to himself half the night. Could hear him in the next room.

There is alot that keeps me coming back and I have my reasons but one of the biggest ones is that in the meantime of collecting receipts and pictures which I so try to hide I hope I wont have to use any of them either .
I also stay with family which is a huge inconvenience after a period of time. Btw.

I think the reasons why he/they pick so much is because they want to **** you off and not only that, they use it as a way or should I say, excuse to drink.

*Well, that b****/d*** is mad at me so I might as well tie one on!*

And that leads to them making it your fault because we all know, it's never theirs. Or, at least we know they can't accept the blame of their *own* addiction. It's so much easier to put it on someone else.

I love that you put scapegoat in there.
Ah feels as though everyone uses him as the scapegoat. How sad how twisted that perception is. Im not one to put down someones feelings so im sure at one time or another he did feel like that. However thats exactly how he treats others regardpess if he wants to see it or not. He becomes a bully and its actually pretty sad how much he hates bullies but then again...he hates himself.

This is true.
Just the night before this happened I was sharing with ah. He was sober.
I was telling him how glad I am that I quit smoking. I havent smoked in about 8 months. Quit before being preg and that im not going back to it. I like not being dependant on an addiction and im a better mother for it. Im healthier and happier. Wonderful right?
You would think the normal response would be "good for you " or something along those lines however he decided to talk about how much my problem was ....how bad my habbit was ...how I smoked so much and spent sooooo much money and that he never smoked THAT much. Lol wait for it....follwed by "I only smoked when I drank" but he was drinking all the time. I dropped the conversation but looking at it...clear indication of his very short fall off thegvery slow wagon. Just another form of denial and blame.