anona

Ughhh I am so angry & scared that I can't really think through this clearly!!!

My husband started outpatient rehab this week. And he had committed to going to AA meetings on the days off from rehab. Well two nights in a row he has skipped out. He said he is busy at work etc. and I know that is very likely true (coworker has been out for a week or two) but it makes me feel like he's not taking his recovery seriously, not making it a priority... and in turn is not making our family a priority either.

I don't know if I can do this. I can stand by him & be as supportive as I can, as long as I can see he's doing his best & working the program. I can't stand by while he just does whatever the heck he wants to do. I don't want to threaten him into recovery but I have a young child and we can't live like this and I can't deal with the fear and anxiety this is causing me!!!!!

bob8619

Try to stick it out and see if it gets better or worse. You say its probably true that his work is getting in the way so just wait it out, if he still skips out on them even when he is off work, then maybe start to question his seriousness about it.

Recovering2

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"

I say this prayer every time I start to worry about my A's recovery. Truth is, we can't do anything about it if they don't commit and make recovery the priority. You can't threaten someone into successful recovery. You can't monitor their recovery.

What you CAN do is decide what you want for your life. What is acceptable to you, and what is not. Make decisions for you and your children, not for him. Try not to focus on what he is or isn't doing, focus on what will make you healthier. AlAnon will help you manuever the stresses of early recovery, not sure if you attend but I would suggest you give it a try. I always believe we need to work on our recovery as hard as we want them to work on theirs.

Hugs....I know what a stressful time this is.

suki44883

Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? I think they would help you learn to detach from his recovery, or lack thereof, and focus on your own needs and those of your child.

NWGRITS

He is making choices. You may not like them, but they are his choices to make. You have no right to threaten him with for rehab or bully him into recovery. If HE doesn't want it, then he is within HIS rights to not seek it. You have no control over his actions. Please get to Al-Anon and focus on your recovery instead of his. Your recovery is your side of the street, and you need to stay there.

anona

I went to one Alanon meeting. It's really hard to get to them because my child is always with me and I can't afford a babysitter. I would have really liked to go to one today.

anona

And I definitely know that this is his issue & his recovery. What I am confused about is when drawing boundaries becomes threatening/ultimatums. Like if I say I cannot live with someone who isn't working on recovery, is that an OK boundary to draw? Or is that a threat or being too involved in his recovery?

suki44883

Deciding...I cannot live with someone who isn't working on recovery is a boundary. That is a line you draw for yourself. That isn't the same as telling him that he better not slack off on recovery, or he can't miss meetings. One is a boundary. The other is a rule. You can't make rules for him, but you most certainly can decide what your boundaries are.

AllThings

Anona - my AH has been doing the same thing this week. He has missed three meetings either due to work, when he simply could NOT leave, or because of my health. I want him to put recovery first, but I do understand that if he is in a meeting with a client and it goes much longer than he thought, like for four hours longer, that isn't even something HE can control. I have been very ill too. My surgery was today, so after some healing, I will no longer be "an excuse"

I have a very hard time with this one myself, so I have little advice. He spent the entire day today with me in the hospital, I understand why he missed a meeting. I have to be at the doctor again at 8:00 tomorrow and he works tomorrow until 9:00pm, I know he won't be able to get to a meeting the either. However, while I was In Surgery today, he read his big book and worked on his 4th step, so I cannot be too upset.

Interested in seeing the replies...

anona

OK I am not making rules for him but I am trying to be very clear about what I can live with and what I can't... quite a process.

AllThings, sorry about your health issues, I have them too (cancer). I hope you are recovering well from your surgery. I know it really complicates things if you are ill on top of dealing with an alcoholic husband. Glad it sounds like he is working on recovery.

I did apologize to my husband for my initial reaction (which was a combination of fury & stony silence!) and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that this was just a really rough week work-wise. But I guess time will tell whether he is really committed to recovery. This week has been quite a learning experience for me in the ways that I am strong and the areas where I'm really weak.

I'm tired.

suki44883

The only person who needs to be clear about what you will and will not live with is yourself. YOU have to decide where the line is. YOU have to be prepared to protect yourself. A boundary is like a rule for YOU to keep, not anything to make him do this or that.

Decide firmly in your mind what your boundaries are. Then, be ready to back them up with action.

anona

OK but do I communicate my boundaries and give him a chance to respect them? Or do I just run out the door the minute my boundary is violated???

Recovering2

Boundaries are for you. They are not for the A. You don't have to tell him your boundaries, your actions make it clear what you will and won't tolerate.

Saying HE must work on his recovery is a rule for HIM, and not one you have the power to enforce. Saying I will not live with someone who is not in recovery is a boundary for YOU, and something you have the power to enforce. You have to be careful with boundaries, especially if you choose to tell him what they are. If you don't stick to them, then the A learns you don't really mean it and they become worthless.

He only started rehab this week, so don't jump to any conclusions just yet. I have often read on here "more will be revealed". If he's truly not committed to recovery, it will become evident. You don't need to make any decisions right now. Just take care of you. Many AlAnon meetings have child care, check the online meeting list in your area...it will tell you.

honeypig

^^^ This. ^^^ If you'd like to read more about boundaries versus rules, here are 2 current threads on the same topic:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ist-stick.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-boundary.html

I don't think a lack of child care needs to be a barrier to attending Alanon meetings. Many meetings I have gone to have offered child care right there in the same building. If that's not the case, I would imagine the group would be fine w/having you bring your child provided they aren't disruptive. And if your child is old enough, AlaTeen meetings could be an option, too--again, I've seen these held in the same building as the Alanon meeting. In my experience, Alanon is much more interested in helping you attend meetings than they are in making any rigid rules to keep you out!

You could also look into Alanon reading materials, easily searched on Amazon and very likely available at your local library, too.

Like they say, "nothing changes if nothing changes." That applies not only to the A but to the rest of the family too, whether we like it or not. Reading and posting here, getting to Alanon and/or reading Alanon/other recovery materials are all going to be necessary for your own growth and change. That way, no matter what the A does or doesn't do, YOU are in a better place.

anona

I think I get it. Honeypig, that first link was especially helpful!

So it sounds like a rule is about what *he* must do. A boundary is about my reaction to his choices.

I will not live in the same house with someone who is not choosing to pursue active recovery.

I will not allow my child unsupervised time with him (until I can be sure he is not drinking & capable of parenting).

I will not get into a car with him behind the wheel because I cannot be sure he hasn't been drinking.

Am I on the right track here?

I do think I need to communicate the boundaries though. For example, I have a personal boundary that I do not want anyone to come up from behind me & hug me, it is very triggering for me. So I can't imagine if I had just walked out the door the first time he did this, without first conveying to him that it is a boundary for me. How would he know that? Once I told him this was a problem for me, he was very respectful of it. But I guess the thing is to not tell him my boundaries in hopes that he will change his behavior/choices, but just to simply inform him?

honeypig

anona, it sure sounds to me like you're on the right track, at least as I understand the difference between rules and boundaries. And I see what you mean about needing to communicate them before hand--I think you're right. Telling someone what your boundaries are in hope of controlling them is NOT going to be productive and isn't what we are to do, but communicating a boundary that they might otherwise not be aware of is not only sensible but necessary.

Glad you found that thread useful--we have some serious experience and help here!

totfit

People get over alcoholism and addictions in very different ways. Some go to meeting and some very often. Others do other things. People that do not recover do it the same in that they just continue to pick up.

We can't tell someone how or what they have to do for their recovery. We can only set boundaries as to what we expect. If we see no fruitful attempt at staying clean and sober and there is continued use, then we need to let it be known that we will be finished with the situation if we find it unacceptable.

Woodman123

Anona, so sorry to hear what you're going through. I am in a very similar situation. And, while no one situation dictates what will happen in another, I can pass along my experience. My AW is currently in her 3rd inpatient rehab stint, which has involved 5 separate detox treatments over the past 5 months. Knowing her personality and stubbornness, I know her mindset each time in rehab was "I got this, it makes sense now, and now i'm better"... then proceeded to come home and find one reason or another why she couldnt go to this AA meeting, or that outptient session. Within a week to 10 days, she was drinking again. It was very clear that she did not own her illness and was not committed to stopping. This happened predictably each time she got out. Time will tell if she does it again this time. One thing told to me by several counselors was that some people simply don't see any consequences to their actions- despite all of the horrible consequences we codies see in everyday life with an alcoholic. My wife simply came home, and it was business as usual. Oh yeah, she tried to show that she was changed- placing positive, encouraging messaging all over the house and all. But the minute I was gone, she was back to the vodka. Therefore, some really need to have an ultimatum placed on the table to hopefully motivate them to engage in the aftercare outpatient program and AA meetings. For me, that ultimatum is my marriage- I don't know what else will work. Clearly, the serious health issues and relationship-destructive interactions with the kids did not motivate her. But, this is my boundary that I am not going to continue to live with an alcolohic who is not 100% committed to doing everything and anything they can do to stay sober. Now, I knwo that attending meetings, etc in and of itself may or may not get her into sobriety, but the hope is the longer she engages, the better tools and confidence she may develop to fight the illness. I understand the boundary thing, and agree with others that whatever you decide to communicate, you HAVE to be ready to back it up.