How do you know what to do?

Old 06-04-2004, 05:26 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
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How do you know what to do?

Hi. I'm new. This is my first post. I know that I can't react to my husband's drinking but I don't know what to do with myself. If he had behaved in some of the ways he does while sober, I wouldn't ignore it. I don't know how to explain to other people when they ask me why he is doing or why he has done something. No one else really knows about his drinking and I'm not eager to share it with family or friends. I have 2 small boys and I'm concerned for them as well. Do I leave my husband or do I stay? When do you know? He can go months with no stupid drunken behavior but then will come home on a roll. When he drinks he becomes mean. Not physically violent but just mean and constantly angry always followed by the appropriate apologies and promises to never do it again. I am afraid the kids, my parents, my neighbors and friends are going to witness these drunken outbursts. It's humiliating even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just so frustrated and confused as to what is the right way to handle this. I can't just ingnore the fact that he is drunk, angry and squealing the car out of the driveway and down the street, or snapping at my dad or being sarcastic to the neighbors. HELP!
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Old 06-04-2004, 05:40 AM
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Have you thought about attending alanon meetings? I think that would be a wonderful thing for you to do.
I don't think that anyone can (or will) tell you to stay or to leave. That has to be a personal choice, and it's not one that is easy to decide.
I can relate to your post so very much. I hid a lot of what my husband was doing also, for many years. Of course, I couldn't hide all of it and some people were aware of what was going on even though I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I tried to hide it. In hindsite, I think that it only enabled him to be the way he was even moreso. Without having to deal with other people's scrutiny as well as to have consequences for his actions - I believe in hindsite, that I only made it easier for him.
(Just something for you to think about)

Please take of you and your kids. That must come first.
And welcome to the site. You will find a lot of support here as most people have either been there, done that or can relate. Be sure to browse around the site and you'll find a lot of posts and such that may really help you out.
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Old 06-04-2004, 06:11 AM
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Dancing To My Own Beat
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey anniecake,
Welcome to SR. No one can give you the answers for your personal situation. Each of us has to decide what is right for us. Alanon can help us become stronger and more serene so we can make sane rational decisions about our life. It gives us options we didn't know we had. Stick around. You don't have to make those decisions today. Give them some time. There are a lot of people in the same situation as you. Browse the forum, check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. You are not alone. There is love and support here. Hugs, Magic
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Old 06-04-2004, 06:22 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Welcome anniecake !
I'm so glad that you found Sober Recovery.

I came here a few months ago desperate for answers just like you. Stick around and read and post. It will help you to find the answers that are right for you.

Looking forward to getting to know you.
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Old 06-04-2004, 10:15 AM
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once in a . . .
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
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"... Do I leave my husband or do I stay? When do you know? ..."

It's one of those weird "Zen things" i think - or it always has been for me anyway. Unfortunately, i think it sometimes takes "hitting bottom" ourselves - - - for me it's been when i just plain do not want to do this any more! and then i "know" it's time to ____________ (fill in the blank).

i'd like to suggest Toby Rice Drews' book "Getting Them Sober" (my 'bible' lately!) - She talks about making decisions like the one you ask about. i like how she says that we can make a decision, change our minds, change them back again, etc and That's OK!
(her book is where i got my 1st glimpse of Al-anon 20 yrs ago)

i'm learning/re-learning that life is about taking care of ME FIRST - (+ the "small ones" if you have them!)

No one can tell us when/what to do cuz only WE live in our own skin/hearts/mind/etc. - and it's different for everyone, even tho our situations are so similar. (I'm unique, just like everyone else! )

i LOVE this forum! when i don't have the the energy it takes me to post, i simply read and read and read all the old posts - and am amazed at how NOT alone i am.

Take Care!
a bit unfocused + rambly today
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Old 06-04-2004, 12:02 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Oh Blue..I love your comments. I have been on different boards where the posters are offended if you don't follow their advice. And if you don't appear to be strong or if you disagree with their are ostracized.

I agree with you....only YOU can decide. I do like to hear what others have done and how it worked for them. Then I decide what is best for ME.

hugs Anniecake....I can totally relate.
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