Why is my AH so controlling with his tools?
 

We have a large property and an old house that both need a lot of work. My AH doesn't do much as he drinks every evening and is hungover a good part of the weekend. Well fine, so I try to pick up the slack - and he won't let me. He won't let me near the keys of the lawnmower, he becomes savagely angry if I offer to do a repair and need to use a tool. THEY ARE MY TOOLS. MINE! he growls at me through clenched teeth.

He said he was going to build a play structure for our kids but he still hasn't in over a year, so I decided I was going to build them a small sandbox so at least they had something. I'm not the best with woodworking, but I should be able to handle something shaped like a square, right? He was SO ANGRY when I brought it up and again I got the YOU CAN'T USE MY TOOLS speech. He wouldn't even let me use a saw. He told me HE would make the sandbox. Of course, that was a while ago...no sandbox was ever started.

It is so frustrating to me that nothing ever gets done around here. We have so many projects planned, the house needs so many repairs, and nothing ever sees fruition because he won't do it, and he won't let me do anything either. His toolboxes are always locked, by the way, so I can't do things while he's at work.

Too bad we are utterly broke at the moment or I would go out and buy myself a whole set of basic tools, even though he already told me I can't. I really don't understand why he gets so furious if I want to borrow a tool. The only thing I can think of is that he is afraid if I start doing the "man" things around here I will think I no longer need him. But if he felt that way, wouldn't he want to um, actually DO something once in a while? Because right now, no, I don't really need him. He pretty much does nothing but get drunk and high, and watch movies, when he is home. What is useful about that?

My AH is like that, too, although not as aggressive about it. In my AH's case, I think it's because whenever I so much as open his toolbox to look for a screwdriver to fix something, he looks at it as a criticism that he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. I'm not saying it's rational. But I suspect that's what's behind it.

I bought myself a $10 tool kit from Ikea a few years ago. It's not enough to build a sandbox, but it is good enough for most of what I need to use tools for, and keeps my AH quiet.

BookNerd, I agree with Wisconsin---it is probably felt, by him, to be criticism. He probably knows, down deep, that he is not living up to his rightful responsibilitues. His ego may also be involved in his building skills--so that is another layer of "insult" to him.

Also professional conractors are very possessive about their tools, to begin with. The right tool is everything--and, good tools are very expensive.

It is often said, that "The cobbler's children have no shoes".

I remember a woman that I knew--whose husband was an active alcoholic. He was an excellent plumber (when he worked). She had to finally hire one of his friends--behind his back--to fix the bathroom plumbing. Boy, was he angry when he found out!! (By the way, they have long been divorced, now).

dandylion

My guess is that you (or anyone else) doing the work he should be doing is a reminder of his inability to accomplish the task, which in turn makes him feel worse about who he is or what he is doing. It has nothing to do with you.

Do you have a friend or family member that has the tools and could help you complete your projects? He probably won't like that either, but a sandbox or play set for the kids isn't about him.

They are pretty useless when they are active. My RAH wants us to go to an orchard this weekend & brought up one we went to a few years ago thinking we went last year. I told him that I went by myself last year because he wanted to stay home to watch football & drink beer. It's so sad to see what they miss out on...and can't remember.

Time to get your own tools. :)
He will probably get angry at that too.
But you have a right to build a sandbox if you want to, heck, it was your idea in the first place, right?
See he feels badly about himself if you go and accomplish something for your kids because he will have to look at how he has said he will do these things and hasn't.
The only way he can maintain control that he's the MAN of the household is to keep you to your womanly chores. ha.
It makes you look good and attentive and giving to your children, it makes him look bad for not doing the same.
Here's the question though: Will it be worth the sure fight? The nasty argument?
You probably already know how he will react. Think it through. Then come back here and talk about it. I don't know the man, so I don't know if all hell is going to break loose at my suggestion of you getting your own tools, but I have a feeling....

That makes sense. He probably is looking at it as a criticism when I offer to do things because he knows most of it is stuff he should have done a long time ago. But, I still don't get the irrational way he deals with it - getting furious and not letting me do it. Why doesn't he just do the things himself then? The way his mind works gets more and more confusing to me as the years go on...

I think you right, dandylion. I guess his ego is connected to building projects in particular because he does woodworking as a side business. But again, if this is so, why doesn't he complete a project now and then?

I bet my dad would help me build a sandbox, but oh boy, I could only imagine the monster that would appear when my husband found out. Not only because I went behind his back to make the sandbox, but because he hates my dad! How stupid that I have to worry about this sort of drama. All I want is for my little kids to have a sandbox before they're too old to enjoy it! It has nothing to do with him whatsoever but somehow he will have to turn it into a thing about him.

Carryon, I feel you about the orchard...my husband used to do things like that with the family, but no longer. As his addictions have progressed the past couple of years all that has stopped. We did go for a picnic last year for our son's 4th birthday, and my husband sat off to the side sulking the whole time, refused to eat even a cupcake, brought the whole party down. Now, if the kids go somewhere it is without him. Yeah, he misses out on so much and isn't even aware. He thinks that sitting in the basement intoxicated watching movies is "living." It's sad.

Booknerd, get your own tools! And here's how: GARAGE SALES and FLEA MARKETS and ESTATE SALES.

I have quite a nice collection, including power tools and socket sets for working on cars, and even a Dremel kit (brand new, got it for $15) and some specialty tools. I got a ladder, shovels, rakes, wheelbarrow, etc all at garage sales and estate sales.

I especially love my hacksaw story...he was retiring and moving to another state so selling a large amount of tools. I asked him if the saw worked, and ended up with a 15 minute safety speech!

And yes, the others are right. He knows he's failing in your eyes. Probably sees it in your Dad's eyes too. I believe denial runs very deep, but I also believe alcoholics know they are alcoholics long before they would dare utter the word out loud.

There is nothing wrong with wanting some things for your kids to play on. Be your tagline and have your Dad build it if he won't. And screw his crappy attitude if he doesn't like it. Not your problem.

I second Tuffgirl with reckless abandon -- get your own tools!! His attitude is not your problem. And if we keep "keeping the peace" nothing ever changes. Unless you believe he will get physically violent (as with tools: SAFETY FIRST) over it, take this power back!

Hey, that's a great idea! I hadn't even thought of that.

Thank you SparkleKitty! I don't think he would get physically violent. His way is to make a big fuss, whine and yell, act like an idiot, then go and sulk for a while. But that's it. I think if I just started making a sand box he would yell and swear a bunch then give me the silent treatment for a few days. Then he would move onto snarky comments for a while. But he does that half the time anyway, so it's not like it would be a big deal.

I have been having fun looking for sand box ideas online. It makes me happy to think that I am going to do something nice for my kids, that they will love. We had a sandbox at our old house (which my husband built, he was more active in those days) and the boys used to spend hours in there.

Just from my past experience with my exah ~

His tools, his shed, his perfect hiding place for things he didn't want me to see ~

That's why it was off limits for me ~

There are great suggestions here for taking back control of your happiness ~ getting help from friends/family, finding tools at garage sales,

Also, check out your local Lowes, Home Depot, & other home improvement stores - many of them offer Saturday FREE instruction classes for kids to learn how to make things too (there may be some cost for the materials you might have to check in advance) ~ could be something you & kids can have fun doing together - Help take the focus off of him.

An Al-Anon slogan is Live and Let Live ~ sometimes we focus on the "Let Live" and forget the first part "Live" ~ go and enjoy your life - especially with those precious children - we all know that time passes by way too fast!

wishing you the best in your carpentry adventures!!!

pink hugs!

Ah yes...he probably does have various things hidden in those big tool chests of his. There are many drawers and they are always locked...probably empty bottles but who knows it could be anything.

I love the idea of a class at Lowe's or something, I'm going to look into that, thank you! I am determined that I am going to start LIVING life with my kids, and enjoying it, no matter what my AH says or does.

Such great suggestions here - SR really is a great resource for so many things. I second (& third, etc.) what so many said here.

We LOVED our sandbox growing up - spent hours there summer after summer. We would build these elaborate race tracks for my brothers' matchbox cars and play with them until our play or the weather destroyed them. I have some great memories in the sandbox my dad built for us. :) Why shouldn't your kids have those great memories in a sandbox mom built?

The kids workshops that Ms. Pink mentioned are awesome! Home Depot has them in our area the first Saturday of the month in the morning. My brother has a gaggle of kids so this is great for us - it's free and the kids get to build something. Check it out!

Isn't this the GREATEST, most freeing feeling? After my AH's final freak out a few months ago, I had a long talk with my daughters (who are very emotionally mature and savvy). We all agreed that it was time to put this junk behind us, leave my AH (who is their stepdad) to his own choices, and live our own lives because my AH does NOT get to be the most important person in our family any more. And every step that we take to enjoy our lives, have fun, etc. just feels so wonderful.

My take is a bit different, but I have a similar situation I am dealing with my (r)ah. In my case I believe his behavior in my situation is about manipulation and control (covert). I have been struggling with this situation (don't want to hi-jack the thread) and have determined just recently to "get my own tools" so to speak. I think it will go a long way to see exactly how he reacts to my taking care of the situation on my own. I don't think it will be well received, but it is important to me to deal with this and put a stop to his controlling.

BTW - this behavior existed before sobriety.

I am not afraid of him or his reaction, but I have myself all tied up in knots about this situation (and have been for about a month). I have to do this for myself. To prove to myself I can - and for what ever reason - it terrifies me. :headbange

Book - go get your own tools - lol! and between google and youtube - you can pretty much accomplish anything you set your mind to!

YouTube is also a great place to watch demonstrations. This is how I learned to replace a toilet, jump start a car, use a power drill and hacksaw, install flooring, and twerk. No, just kidding on that last one! I still don't know how to twerk, and I am not quite sure I even know what it means...

Anyway - my point is - if you want to learn something, go find the instructions somewhere. Internet, hardware stores, books from the library, friends...

I am amazed at what I can do now. Although I never turn down help when its offered, it is such freedom knowing I can do a lot of this kind of stuff myself.

That was my take on it...:dee

Thanks so much, everyone, for your input. I can hardly express how much I appreciate the community here at SR. You are all helping me clarify so much of the mental and emotional confusion I have lived with for many years. Alcoholism is ridiculously confusing! I wish I had found this site five years ago - I might have been saved a lot of anguish. But, better late than never. :)

BookNerd, I think the issue is much deeper and bigger than whether you get to use your (oops, HIS) tools or not, and whether dealing with his tantrums if you build a sandbox are worth it.

His behavior, plain and simple, is abusive. If you haven't read the sticky at the top of the Friends and Families page, I'd recommend it. It's "What is Abuse?", written by English Garden. I posted my story there.

You are not able to live your life as you want to, and as you need to because of his intervention. You are not able to take care of your children the way you want - i.e., build them a sandbox.

You are not able to go on family outings because he throws tantrums and spoils them.

You do not have money for tools and are dead broke. Is that because he spend the money on alcohol and drugs? Is it because he isn't working enough?

You are FORBIDDEN to buy your own tools. That is abuse.

What part of this life is allowing to be your own person, an adult who gets to make her own choices and live without the controlling presence of a man who does nothing and demands everything?

This is very deep into co-dependence and a very common reaction of an abused person. I see myself in what you have written.

Do you go to Alanon? Or to therapy? It may be time to reframe the questions you are asking. The exchange about tools here is more of a smoke screen for the dynamics of the relationship and its deficiencies than it is about how to get a hammer to make a sandbox.

I'd say read as much as you can about alcoholism and its progressive nature. And read about abuse and control by spouses. And read about the effects of alcohol and abuse on kids.

You are welcome here, and for me, when I came, deep in a fog with no comprehension of what my abusive alcoholic husband was doing to me, SR gave me incredible support and shared their wisdom, and finally the light came on and I saw what was happening to me.

ShootingStar1

I used to keep a big bottle of vodka, and some other paraphenilia in my tool box.

Tools are just tools.
If you use them properly, and put them back away in their respective places when finished, I don't see the problem
I don't generally loan or let people use my tools, but it's because of loss, abuse and not being able to find them again when I need them.

His anger, well, that's just being a drunk.

I think ShootingStar made some excellent points- this does go far beyond the issue of tools.

But, about the tools, pawn shops are another excellent place to find used tools for a good price.

Although my bf lets me use the tools, I feel your frustration about AH not doing the stuff around the house he says he will. Recently, bf told me he'd fix some things on my car, but didn't bother. So, I took it to the shop and of course when bf found out he was none too pleased. But you know what? I don't care. My car is fixed!!