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Why is my AH so controlling with his tools?

Old 10-03-2013, 09:01 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
I think ShootingStar made some excellent points- this does go far beyond the issue of tools.

But, about the tools, pawn shops are another excellent place to find used tools for a good price!
Yes....I saw many of my tools (and jewelry, ect...) at a pawn shop once..... no thanks to my xabf! Your post took me back
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Old 10-04-2013, 07:53 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Keep in mind we are talking about an alcoholic's brain here. We will never understand their motivations nor should we spend much time doing so. His frontal lobe and other parts of his brain and nervous system are impaired, damaged or dysfunctional. They all get possessive about silly things(mine called the cops on me for taking her keys- guess who left in the police car for her first Baker Act) My medicine, my Vodka, my phone, my my my...
Work on what makes you happy. When you find peace with yourself and stop worrying about him and his seemingly nonsensical behavior he will likely notice and may eventually sober up long enough to figure out he needs treatment. I could write books on the crazy things my aw has done. Now shes in treatment and I have asked her why she put 5 of her blood pressure pills in a breath mint tin in the drawer where I keep ball caps. Why she hid beers outside of the lanai. Why, why, why...the only answer I have gotten consistently is 'I don't know' If they don't know why they do things, how would we ever figure it out?
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Old 10-04-2013, 10:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
BookNerd, I think the issue is much deeper and bigger than whether you get to use your (oops, HIS) tools or not, and whether dealing with his tantrums if you build a sandbox are worth it.

His behavior, plain and simple, is abusive. If you haven't read the sticky at the top of the Friends and Families page, I'd recommend it. It's "What is Abuse?", written by English Garden. I posted my story there.

You are not able to live your life as you want to, and as you need to because of his intervention. You are not able to take care of your children the way you want - i.e., build them a sandbox.

You are not able to go on family outings because he throws tantrums and spoils them.

You do not have money for tools and are dead broke. Is that because he spend the money on alcohol and drugs? Is it because he isn't working enough?

You are FORBIDDEN to buy your own tools. That is abuse.

What part of this life is allowing to be your own person, an adult who gets to make her own choices and live without the controlling presence of a man who does nothing and demands everything?

This is very deep into co-dependence and a very common reaction of an abused person. I see myself in what you have written.

Do you go to Alanon? Or to therapy? It may be time to reframe the questions you are asking. The exchange about tools here is more of a smoke screen for the dynamics of the relationship and its deficiencies than it is about how to get a hammer to make a sandbox.

I'd say read as much as you can about alcoholism and its progressive nature. And read about abuse and control by spouses. And read about the effects of alcohol and abuse on kids.

You are welcome here, and for me, when I came, deep in a fog with no comprehension of what my abusive alcoholic husband was doing to me, SR gave me incredible support and shared their wisdom, and finally the light came on and I saw what was happening to me.

ShootingStar1
ShootingStar, thank you. I am well aware now that I am being abused, and that I have been abused pretty severely for many years now. Over the past few months the scales have been falling from my eyes. It was shocking at first when I realized how bad things were, how much abuse I had gradually become accustomed to, but I have come to accept now that my husband is a very sick, abusive man.

Rest assured I have no plans to continue living this way. I am stuck in a very bad situation right now, where finances are so terrible (as in, our account is seriously overdrawn) that I can't see a way to escape for now. (And to answer your question, our money problems are both from his addictions, and from not working enough right now.)

So I am trying to just understand the situation the best I can, so that for the next little while, I can hopefully make life bearable for myself and my kids. It's not forever. You're right, my AH does nothing and demands everything. I can't let that continue. If I do I am setting a horrible example for my kids of what a marriage is supposed to look like.
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Old 10-04-2013, 10:37 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I would give a flying duck about his feelings.....ask your Dad to help out for the kids and tell him exactly why...

He is too drunk to build a simple sandbox? Give him a choice...either hire someone to do the job correctly or do it by a certain date....or just have Dad come and tell him that you have been asking and getting no results.

Husband sounds like a jerk and a bully...and bullies back down when they are confronted by sober people who stand up to them.

Take the funds out of his drinking budget. Open your own checking account and do not allow him access.

many years ago....I started my "divorce fund" with $7.00 I scarfed off the grocery $$$. and added to it weekly...even pinching $$$ from my husband's wallet when he was passed out drunk..I never thought twice about it.
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Old 10-04-2013, 12:02 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
I second Tuffgirl with reckless abandon -- get your own tools!! His attitude is not your problem. And if we keep "keeping the peace" nothing ever changes. Unless you believe he will get physically violent (as with tools: SAFETY FIRST) over it, take this power back!
That's what I did. I got tired of trying to find the tools in his workbox so I bought my own kit. My AH gets frustrated with me when I do stuff around the house that he claimed he would do month after month after month. I just started learning how to do stuff myself and I used my tools to do it. I've become a VERY good painter, drip line/irrigation fixer, and have become quite good at navigating the ladder. Luckily, he doesn't claim the ladder is 'his' because we don't have a place for a second ladder, LOL!
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Old 10-05-2013, 03:08 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by forworse View Post
Keep in mind we are talking about an alcoholic's brain here. We will never understand their motivations nor should we spend much time doing so. His frontal lobe and other parts of his brain and nervous system are impaired, damaged or dysfunctional. They all get possessive about silly things(mine called the cops on me for taking her keys- guess who left in the police car for her first Baker Act) My medicine, my Vodka, my phone, my my my...
Work on what makes you happy. When you find peace with yourself and stop worrying about him and his seemingly nonsensical behavior he will likely notice and may eventually sober up long enough to figure out he needs treatment. I could write books on the crazy things my aw has done. Now shes in treatment and I have asked her why she put 5 of her blood pressure pills in a breath mint tin in the drawer where I keep ball caps. Why she hid beers outside of the lanai. Why, why, why...the only answer I have gotten consistently is 'I don't know' If they don't know why they do things, how would we ever figure it out?
Wow....I find the Baker Act quite fascinating due to the fact that it can be initiated by law enforcement as opposed to here in NYS where it must be 2 doctors. Im in the psych/addiction part of Nursing School and we just spoke about involuntary commitment today and this stuff is facinating to me!

Sorry to get off topic but yes, I still scratch my head when I think back at my XAFB bahavior!
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Old 10-06-2013, 01:16 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Jacrazz, we also have the Marchman act. Take a look at it if you are interested. IMHO the baker act has too high of a bar. Just because they may not die today doesn't mean they aren't going to tomorrow. most addicts I've spoken with on this journey I never signed up for were happy they were in treatment after a few days. We are free to destroy our lives but we should not be able to affect others in doing so without the law intervening.
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Old 10-06-2013, 06:33 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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pink toolbox.jpg
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Old 10-06-2013, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by BookNerd View Post
The only thing I can think of is that he is afraid if I start doing the "man" things around here I will think I no longer need him. But if he felt that way, wouldn't he want to um, actually DO something once in a while? Because right now, no, I don't really need him. He pretty much does nothing but get drunk and high, and watch movies, when he is home. What is useful about that?
Nah - he'd have to reduce his drinking/sleeping in a hang over time if he did those things. he can feel like a man just knowing that you can't do those things. Not because he doesn't allow you to, but because you couldn't - in his mind.

the mind of a drunk... half denial, half conniving, full selfish.
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Old 10-07-2013, 10:04 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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For buying tools, there's also eBay.
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Old 10-07-2013, 10:42 AM
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Wow. I felt guilty and ashamed when my wife did things I should have done and didn't because I was drinking but I didn't forbid it. Reading this subforum is tough for me but perhaps good for me too. Seems like some of the hell you F&F go through was much worse than my own personal alcoholic hell. I hope things get better for you, OP, however you get there, seems like you are in good hands here!
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:23 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I just wanted to give you a big hug. Your post is making me very sad for you and your kids. Reclaim yourself and be safe
Be kind to yourself and like others suggested, the Goodwill is a great place to get cheap tools and Youtube is great for instruction (I learned all I wanted to learn and then more about crab fishing on Youtube).
@Jessica, I WANT that toolbox LOL
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:36 PM
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hey JessicaJoe

you found my tool box!!!!

love it!

pink hugs!
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Old 10-07-2013, 04:19 PM
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It's really not about the tools... and its really not about you or your kids. It's active alcoholism.

Please find an Al-Anon meeting. And if Alateen/Alatots is available in your area take your children. I was in a very emotionally similar place this time last year and it really saved my life and marriage. Living with that level of insanity will definitely make you feel insane.

Sending you and your children lots of love!
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