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now he's in love

Old 06-04-2004, 03:08 AM
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now he's in love

Well, my AH and I are separated 3 weeks, and he tells me he loves the new girl he is seeing. Love at first site, he says. Thinks its fate, he says. Never met anyone like her.

I know I should be hurt and jealous. I am sure deep down I am.

But right now I can't help thinking how likely it is she will be his new enabler. And that her two kids are going to go through what my daughter did with him. Because he may start out being Mr. Wonderful, but in the end they will never come first.

I guess I will be more jealous later, if it actually ever turns into a healthy relationship. Then I'll feel I failed at something that she figured out.
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Old 06-04-2004, 03:19 AM
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It's only because he's quacking at her and she believes him. If he hasn't got his s**t in one sock yet, then it ain't going to happen with her. Don't forget - only the addict can change themselves, no-one else can do it for them.
You've had a lucky escape and have got the rest of your life in front of you to make of what you will.

If it helps, when I got together with my A b/f, I was in the same situation as this other woman (b/f had just split with his wife and I didn't realise the full extent of his problems). I thought we were so happy together, but it turns out that it was all fake. 2 1/2 years later, it's all going pear shaped.

Keep your chin up.

M
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Old 06-04-2004, 03:25 AM
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Hang in there and just worry about you and Jessie. Minnie is right you can't make him stop drinking and neither can the new gal. He has to want to do it first. He just has a new crutch to lean on and it has nothing to do with you. I find that they will tell us anything just to try and make us feel it was our fault. Don't you believe this. He is sick and you did what was right for you and Jessie. Hang in there and take care of you.
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Old 06-04-2004, 03:26 AM
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Forgot to add - I'm not sure addicts know what love is. Some of them use to numb their bad emotions and unfortunately, this also numbs their good ones.

Also, I dont think you can truely love someone else if you can't love yourself. And who would do themselves so much harm if they really loved and respected themself?
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Old 06-04-2004, 04:05 AM
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J&M-

I am betting you are well rid of him. I am sorry you hare hurting. I am praying that you heal very fast. Just do be careful because you are very vulnerable right now. Give yourself time to heal before getting involved with anyone else. I am sure you have learned a lot about what you don't want next time.

As for your AH what better way to avoid looking at himself than to jump right into another relationship.Nobody who is truely healthy does that. Looks like good amo for you in court though cause it is still probably called adultery. I hope you have retained a lawyer!!!
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Old 06-04-2004, 07:21 AM
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Hello J&M.

This is a noogie post... are you ready? Today, would you tell us about YOU? You not only constantly put yourself second... you're third! MY-A, Jessie and me. Yes, this post shows progress. You're not raging with jealousy. But this post is still all about HIM. Time to break out of the mould, gal. "Me last" is a habit and you're going to have to force yourself out of it. It will feel very very weird at first, but it gets easier... and then it gets fun. And since it's so good for you, this big codie is going to HELP you! :bigggrin: LOL Please consider doing the following five things today.

1)Select a name that we can call you that is JUST YOU. If you don't, I swear I'm going to start calling you Spunky.
2)Review your posts from the past three days. Pick out the parts that were about you. I dare ya. Wanna give us a percentage?
3)Tell us a talent or about something you are extremely good at.
4) Tell us your favorite food.
5)Tell us about the nice thing you're going to do just for yourself no later than tomorrow.

Living in other people is what makes us codies. Learning that we are fully functioning and worthy all by ourselves is part of our recovery. Are you ready for the "all about me" challenge???? Lead the way! Start an "all about me" thread and begin an "all about me" revolution!

Hugs,
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Old 06-04-2004, 09:10 AM
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Are you a glutten for punishment?? Stop taking his calls. He's someone else's problem now. He is so in love with her because she probably doesn't care if he drinks. She's Ms. Wonderful because she's drinking right along with him. Believe me, it will wear off. She too will tire of him and he'll be out looking for a new flavor of the month to "fall in love with". Be thankful that you are rid of him and move on with your life. I agree with Smoke--talk about yourself and things that you like. Be thankful that you have your life back and start taking charge of it. I want your next post to be about something fun that YOU did.
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Old 06-04-2004, 12:40 PM
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J&M -
My opinion only but I think that with my AH, he thinks that he loves me but he really needs me more than loves me. He needs me to stay with him so that he can keep on believing that the way he chooses to live his life is fine and dandy.

I have no doubt that if I left him, he would quickly find someone else to help him to keep on believing that. Drinking is the number one thing for him. Doing whatever it takes to keep making drinking OK is his first and only goal. To quote Tina - What's love got to with it?
L
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Old 06-05-2004, 06:18 AM
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Hi ME,

Stop taking his calls. He's playing head games with you. Stop hurting yourself by talking to him and do something nice for you.

Ngaire
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Old 06-05-2004, 08:39 AM
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I remember years and years ago, someone asked me why I didn't just up and leave my husband.
I remember telling them that I loved them and that I knew the potential that my husband had. He could be such a different and better person.
And then I went on to tell them that I was afraid that I would regret leaving someday.
My friend asked me why I would regret leaving the life I had as it was such a mess.
My reply to her was that I did still love him, but also "what if he finds someone else and is everything to her that he should have been to me? what if he treats her better and stops drinking and gives her that part of him that I know he can be?"
You see, I wasn't ready to let that happen.

I think more than likely, your husband is just telling you the things he is to prove to you that he can make it without you and wants to hurt you for booting his butt to the curb. I doubt he's really as happy as he wants you to believe.

Sidenote* I love "Smoke gets in your eyes" post!
The "What about me" challenge - OMG, it's something you have to do. You'll start to discover a whole new side of you- one that you may actually like.
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Old 06-05-2004, 10:15 AM
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OK, Smoke, I'll try it

I don't want to change my name though.

I actually bought myself a summer tank top that says in HUGE letters "It's All About Me". Jessie is SO cracking up at it. I couldn't believe when I saw it, as it is clearly so perfect. I will wear it tomorrow, it is supposed to be warm here. Today it is raining.

I will post a new thread and try to talk about me and the things you mention. You are right, it is going to be hard. Even though I felt I was posting about my feelings lately, you are right, they were still all about him.

I shall try this challenge right now. I am off to post a new thread.
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Old 06-06-2004, 09:16 PM
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Unhappy Now he's in love

My ex was preparing to move in with me. Two weeks prior, I call him, and he is drunk, with a female roommate in his room. She is an alcoholic/crack user.
He is in love with her, love at first site, etc. 4 days later, he calls me, doesn't remember anything. Says it is a blackout. I was devastated.

He moved in with me. But I was so angry and needed to talk and deal and emote. He couldn't handle. it. Said he didn't remember it so didn't know why it bothered me. Well, I did remember it. He also promised that there was no contact. Two weeks after moving out, he is in touch with her. Says, I helped him find someone kind and caring. And he cares about her.

He lied to me, etc. Have felt hurt, etc. Not in touch with him. I have felt devastated etc. Al-Anon has helped me. Went to a meeting, and found such warm, understanding people.

The long and short. I feel your pain. She is someone who enables him. And it probably won't last. I understand your feeling that if it does last, she gave him something you didnt. I feel the same way. Keep waiting for all those good qualities, I know that he has inside of him to come out. Felt that I loved him and supported him, it would help him.

And it didn't...... but it sure brought me down.
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