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just need to get a little bit out there.

Old 10-02-2013, 10:50 AM
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just need to get a little bit out there.

I am fairly new here and decide it was time to get it out there this may get a little long winded, I have tried in the past with my AH everything from ..."if you drink one more time I am leaving" or "I will take the kids and stay at my moms", He refuses to leave because he says I am the one with the problem, and I am the one that wants to ruin our family... me in all my codependency could not carry through with my empty threats. I have gotten stronger though. I now dump any liquour I find in the house ( or garage, or car, or else where) I tell him that I know he is drinking, when he thinks he is hiding it so well, and I let him know that I am not ok with it.

He has been an A since I have know him but I was to young to really understand the signs, at 16 just because someone drank their alcohol in a Mt. Dew bottle didn't mean they were an alcoholic but looking back , it was kind of wierd. I really didn't figure out he had a problem until I was 20 after we had our first child, I was cleaning the basement and found several empty bottles of booze and 2litters of soda...strange, where did these come from I thought, I did ask him at that time but he avoided my questioning and never gave me an answer, I was to busy going to school and caring for an infant....it has been that way for the last 13 years, up and down with his pattern and amout of use but it was always present to some extent, I would find bottles, he would drink, and we go on with our business but about 2 years ago it got really bad and it started to really affect his work and our family life, He started to call in sick more, which he never ever did, he would passed out on the couch every weekend afternoon, things around the house started slipping and he got just plain lazy, and I enabled him, I covered for him, It was so gradual it was almost hard to see it happen or I turned a blind eye.

Our lives revoled around booze all of our activities had some kind of drinking involved and if they didn't we had to bail out early so we could get home early to drink, I was no angel I was right there with him partying like a rock star but we were just having fun or so I thought. I forgot to mention he was in a Band! for about 10 years! So when i say rock stars thats what I mean, they got to open for Skynard, now that was a blast, but he got kicked out of his band that was made completly of his friends from High School, after they got so sick of his drunk arse missing notes on stage, they called him and gave him a choice either play better or quit.... he quit and proceed to drink himself into a stupor... I was a little upset because they didn't address the drinking they just told him he wasn't playing well enough... I realized then we can't keep doing this by we I mean Me. Out everyweek some times during the week, we have 3 kids, and we are there role models So we started to stay home more, and his drinking became 10 folds worse.

He got his first DUI in March after he put not one but 2 cars in the ditch trying to get the first out, brilliant I know. I took him to Detox that night. I thought oh good he is going to get some help, Thank you God! but he wouldn't stay for in patient, so he went to out patient, and drank about 2 weeks into it. He told me that it was ok for him to drink and the everyone recovery was differnt and he needed to drink!! what a load of sh!t. He has since totalled my car after driving home from the bar, the kids and I were camping so they didn't have to witness any of this. That was a wonderful call to get at 3 in the morning from a stranger " um hi, we brought your husband home, he put your car in the ditch, he is on the couch, good luck" If money was not object I would have called the cops and had him hauled away for his 2nd DUI, but I didn't I covered it up for him....stupid, stupid, stupid.

He blames me for a lot of stuff thats wrong, I did have an affair about 4 year ago, I felt i didn't have a husband anymore, he was having his own affair with his booze. I don't make excuses anymore, it was wrong, its over. he still hold on to it tight and throws it in my face when he has a chance but claims he doesn't.
We tried marriage counseling and the couselor told us exactly what I told him,( boy did that make him mad)She told us that we couldn't effectivly start working on our marriage until he got sober. So she wasnt' even able to take us on as a couple until he got sober.

I could really go on for hours but this is good for now...wooosaaaa....
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Old 10-02-2013, 02:17 PM
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smtowngirl, your story sounds classic. What do you plan to do, at this point?

Also, I want to say--Welcome to S.R. I am sorry about your circumstances--but, glad you came here!

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Old 10-02-2013, 02:34 PM
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Welcome smtowngirl.

I second Dandylion...what are you doing to take care of yourself? Counseling? Al-Anon? Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie?

Do you know the Three C's? You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. His alcoholism is NOT your problem. Along those lines...no point in dumping the liquor...he's just going to get more and will work harder to lie and hide it from you. Been there, done that, and I know the rage that would course through my body when I found it.

Keep reading and posting...lots to gain here to help you.
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Old 10-02-2013, 02:51 PM
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Believe it or not, I worked in a treatment facility a nurse...but just because I know this stuff doesn't mean I am any less vulnerable to everything going on around me. I am finally starting to let go and detach from his disease and am working up the stregth and courage to leave. He is really a good father and trys to be a good husband when he is sober but those time are become a distant memory for me, I just don't want my kids to feel that way too. I am beginning to feel it may be best if we move out and let him know we wont be around him when he is drinking. CarryOn, I am pretty sure my Mom gave me that book...after all where do we learn or behaviors from right..She has been a really good support for me. I have done some counseling but I am sure everyone can agree it is so hard to find time for yourself when you are " like a single parent " when you have a spouse that is and alcoholic. Thanks for taking the time to read everyone I truly appreciate it. And yes I have read through most of the stickies very good reading.

It makes me feel so good when I get to dump the bottles out though, its like a small victory, I was so obsessed i would look all over the house and the yard, in the hot tub, pool filter, any where I thought he would be hiding it!
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Old 10-02-2013, 02:59 PM
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Apparently, there is nothing like living through an experience to really get an education about it...there is so much to learn and process when dealing with this disease; it's unbelievable. Sounds like you are doing pretty well, it takes time to strengthen our skills and put them into action.

It took me about four months to gain the courage to kick AH (now RAH) out of the house after I started seeking treatment. Once I made the decision to do it though, nothing was going to stop me. He's been out of the house about six months, stopped drinking about four months ago. We both want to work on our marriage, but we're both focused on our recoveries right now and are not yet ready for marriage counseling, which I want before he comes home.

So, I get it, it's really tough. It takes time and lots of baby steps...and we only have dogs. I know kids complicate matters more.

Thanks for sharing your story today.
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Old 10-02-2013, 03:11 PM
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[QUOTE=CarryOn;4215230] It takes time and lots of baby steps...and we only have dogs. I know kids complicate matters more.

QUOTE]

baby steps, you got that right! we have 2 dogs too, they are just like kids, one just had surgery on her dang hip, and takes more medication then everyone in our house combined, amazing how we love our 4 legged friends and how they love us so unconditionally.
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Old 10-02-2013, 04:31 PM
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Smtowngirl---I can just feel your anger and resentment coming through your written words! I know that I am many others can relate to how you are feeling, right now. This amount of resentment translates to incredible stress and is soo emotionally draining.

Of course, he isn't drinking AT you---he is just doing what alcoholics do--they drink. When they have overwhelming compulsion to get that next drink---that is the only priority they are thinking of. In the distorted reality of the alcoholic brain--they are so much in denial of how much they really hurt us.

I hope you can get to some alanon meetings--you need some attention for the damage that the disease has done to you. You will actually start to feel better for getting support for yourself.

Yes, it is hard being a single parent--but, sometimes it is actually easier without the pressure from the alcoholic on your shoulders.

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Old 10-02-2013, 05:35 PM
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This is a contagious disease in the sense that those closest to the A get as sick as they are. I also searched out the hidden stash, would empty it all. I would leave an empty bottle out so he would see I knew. I would tell him none of this was okay. All any of that did was keep me in the chaos, keep me stressed and sick. None of it did anything to solve things. I just got crazier. I also got a lot of the blame for his drinking. Now I can see that he had to blame me. His only other choice was to accept responsibility, and he wasn't ready to do that.
AlAnon gave me my sanity back. Not overnight, but over a few months. I learned to detach, and focus on my peace and serenity each day. I hope you try AlAnon, it will help you as well. I don't know your kids ages, but Alateen is there for them. If they're too young, many meetings have babysitting so single parents can come.
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Old 10-03-2013, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Smtowngirl---I can just feel your anger and resentment coming through your written words! I know that I am many others can relate to how you are feeling, right now. This amount of resentment translates to incredible stress and is soo emotionally draining.
I am a little bitter...maybe a lot at this point, and it is very draining, I never use to be this way, I was always so full of energy and life and alway ready to tackle the next project. Now I would rather sit watch the world go by. I know better, I feel like I should be participating, and I am on meds for depression and pretty even in that regards but I can so see how his disease is rubbing of on me, I never thought of it that way, Awareness is often the first step.
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Old 10-03-2013, 07:51 AM
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Hi and Welcome.

I just wanted to say I understand a lot of what you feel, your situation doesnt sound all that different from my own. I have finally reached the point of just giving up and making plans to leave even if it means being "alone". I agree with Dandylion, I think being a single parent might be a little easier when you are actually a single parent with no A to drive you up the wall crazy all the time.

I have learned a lot at SR and have gained a lot of good friends I can lean on when I need to because they understand. I hope you find the same thing here.
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Old 10-03-2013, 08:10 AM
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I think I can say with confidence after 10 years of this that the depression of alcoholism is what is contagious.
No wonder you are depressed!
The light of loving life is snuffed out, dismissed. The joy of discovery non-existent. We are robbed of these things.
Think of a young child's squeal of delight the first time they hold a turtle, a frog, anything like that.
That delight is gone, or subdued, for the walking on eggshells and feeling
the rage behind alcoholism. We can see it in their eyes. They're madder than hell for the world not kissing their ass.
Pardon mon francais!
Do laugh, I know it's not French.

So, what can you do to stop this depression?
Take action.
Everyday, make overcoming your depression so important, like saving your own life.
How?
See a counselor alone! Vent.
Join al anon.
Remember the delight in that child with the frog, and realize that this joy will be taken from your children if things continue status quo.
They will know. They will feel it, they feel it now! They will end up with "issues".
Divorce leaves with kids with issues too.
However, there is a chance of recovery, should their custodial parent get well, cure their depression.
Kids are like mirrors...they reflect the feelings of their parents.
Save them, save YOU.
Seek help today. No more inertia, which compounds that depression.
Find your way back to the happiness of life, whatever must happen along the way to get there...if he can no longer be in your life, then so be it...find your way to health and whether to make that move, away from him, will be clearer and you will have the will and confidence to do it, should that day come.
Believe in that the answer on what to do and just when, will become clear to you. It will.
Forward momentum.
Think of it like climbing a mountain.
Learn the skills to climb a mountain.
Take your power back.
Take your joy of life back.
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