SurprisedinVA

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!! I am so angry! I am so hurt! I am so confused!!!

My husband drinks. Yep. He drank with my family, he drank with friends, we drank together. Seriously, it didn't seem like a problem. I had no clue and still really can't believe he is an alcoholic.

Here is what happened.
One week ago he was on assignment in another place. He got drunk, and got angry with coworkers. He 'made them uncomfortable' and they reported him. His boss mandated he go to a recovery program. There was only one other incidence that may have been a clue -- one day, I came home from work and he had the day off. He was drunk, passed out on the bathroom floor with his pants around his ankles. I was afraid he was dead, until I smelled him. That was four months ago. Other than that nothing. He was always where he was supposed to be on time. He was never drunk around family. He was never mean or ugly. ?????? WHAT GIVES?????

So now he is off for a month. I am home. I can so relate to Kitty's post. I am so ANGRY!!!! I can't believe he chose (yes he knows he has the gene in his family) this for our family!!!! HOW DARE HE BRING THIS HOME!!!!!

We just moved away from all family and friends. The entire family is struggling with the adjustment. Daily. And now This???? REALLY????? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! We are still working to find our place in a new community and now this too??? I don't know how to handle it all. I feel like the fragile bottom I had built in this new hostile environment just fell out.

I am so angry!!!! I don't know how to deal with it. I am working so hard to 'stay normal' for my family. I don't want to add this to their plates. We have so many other things we are stuggling with. I feel so alone. I feel abandoned.

He called once in the 10 days he has been gone. The facility is too far away to participate in anything. I was so angry. He is the one person I want desperately to both talk with and gain comfort from and kick in the ass. His counselor called. She wants to be so helpful and I feel angry with her too for all the reasons Kitty mentioned. I probably was not very nice to her. Quote, 'I am sensing some anger, is that right?'. YES. THAT IS RIGHT>

HOW DARE HE MOVE EVERYONE and then GO OFF AND GET ALL THIS DAMN SUPPORT when we have NOTHING!!!!

I seriously don't know what this change means. What does it mean for our future?

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

SO OVERWHELMED I DON"T KNOW WHERE TO START.

dandylion

Dear Surprised, may I suggest that you start a completely new thread (this is an older one from 2011). You will get lots more "traffic" if you start a new thread for yourself.

Thanks--dandylion

stella27

I don't blame you at all. I think that everything you're feeling is completely normal. Do try to get to Al-anon. Everything will become clearer for you.

Be very good to yourself. This is a hard time and a lot is going on for you, so get plenty of sleep, eat well, and accept that you deserve to rest, so if nothing is getting done, that's okay.

Seren

Hello surprised, and Welcome!

I moved your post to a thread all its own so that you could receive the attention you deserve. You have found a great place for support....believe me, we understand.

honeypig

Welcome, Surprised--sorry you're in this $hitty situation! I understand how you would feel that HE has all the support and YOU have none. However, that is simply not true. First of all, you have SR. This place is full of people who have been in your shoes and who can offer you a tremendous amount of support and education. If you can commit a little time each day to reading here (not missing the stickies at the top of the page and maybe starting to work on the recommended reading there, too), it will definitely help you start to see more clearly.

You've also got Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Here are some links within the forum from people who've gone to Alanon: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...elt-great.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nderstand.html

YOU need to work on YOUR recovery every bit as much as HE needs to work on HIS, and you definitely do have resources to help you do that. Please do reach out and make use of them.

Let me post one more link for you http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

and then wish you strength and clarity as you go forward. You are NOT alone, Surprised, not at all.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Surprised.

Well - letting go of some of that anger is a great place to start. I hope today is a better day for you, at least a little bit! Don't keep it bottled up...go find somewhere safe or someone you trust to vent to.

Honeypig has some great suggestions above. You are not alone, and you do have options for support. It's just hard to see the forest for the trees right now, when you are reeling from being seemingly blindsided.

I remember how many months it took me to say "alcoholic" out loud. I was devastated too. And super angry. It's been several years now, and I am no longer married to the alcoholic, and I can say life is very good. There is a light at the end of this tunnel...

Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T

changeneeded

Surprised,

I'm sorry this is happening to you, I truly am sorry for you. As Tuffgirl has mentioned, say that A word is so difficult, now here you are in a new place, feeling alone and you're supposed to be able to jump up to say "Yes, my husband is an A, and in recovery" a mandated one at that.

Listen to what others here are suggesting, find somewhere you can recover yourself. Even talk to your husbands counselor asking where you can find help and support. And of course, here is a great place to be. I've been helped leaps and bounds.

Come back, let us know your progress!!

Be Well,

Hammer

And do not waste all your pissed off-ness all at once.

This can go on for some months. Usually more to be POed about ahead.

It is quite the fun little club we have here.

I vote you in at Full Membership.

For real, pace yourself. On a good note -- At least his workplace caught the problem early enough that you did not have endure the full sh!t storm at home before YOU Booted him to rehab, first.

Recovering2

Dear Surprised....breathe. Close your eyes, long slow breath.

I know that feeling of anger when the A gets support and we feel alone. When my A finally went into treatment, I was exhausted and angry. He had this team of people there for him and I was home alone taking care of everything.

I was able to attend a family recovery program, and it turned things around for me. I realized I could spend my time spinning in my head about all of it, or I could start working on getting some peace back. I went home and looked up AlAnon. I also had a great counselor, but AlAnon was the place where I found peers. I found that network of support I needed for MY recovery. I was safe to vent, cry, etc in those meetings.

Your husband is in treatment now, leave him to the experts and keep your focus on your own health. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, try a few different ones and find a group you like. There is a long road ahead for both of you.

Post here as often as needed. We "get it" and are here for you. When you feel alone, picture this.......

BlueSkies1

Well aren't you a lucky woman.
Lucky?
Yes.
Mine has never gotten into trouble from work. I think it would make him clean up real fast.
Instead the 3 of them, (top execs) had a bar in one of their offices.

There's a silver lining in all this.
YOU are not the bad guy! You didn't order him into rehab! (Like that would have worked).
Instead the pressure is on from his boss, and now he's in work rehab jail, and he has to behave and will, because the consequences are from the man who puts money in his wallet.

Now you have an opportunity here.
First, to relax. Aren't you glad you aren't the bad guy?
If he's alcoholic or not, we know he's a jerk when he drinks, and now he is going to behave, at least for quite awhile.
That jerk has at least temporarily exited the scene.

What's your opportunity?
Does he despise Techno? Country? Enya? Do you love it? Blast it girlfriend!
Does he despise Patouli oil? Scented candles? Satin sheets? Granny sweat pants? But you love them?
Fill up the bath, buy your favorite scent, put a chick flick on the IPAD that he can't stand to watch, and open a bottle of wine if you are not a jerk when you drink, (only if you like to) if not, they your favorite tea, and enjoy this small vacation. Might be last chance to drink in your home for awhile if you like a little, but not too much.
He hates blue eyeshadow and you love it?
You get the idea...
and do something nice for yourself. Head over to Victoria's Secret if you like that, and get yourself something pretty just for you.
If that's not your thing, go buy yourself a new power drill. Whatever floats your boat.
Pamper yourself is what I am saying.

You're not the bad guy. Work is, rehab is, or he is...but not you...so no need to take it out on yourself.
He has some explaining to do when he gets home, mainly just how extensive this drinking was. There are going to be some talks between you two.
In the meantime, enjoy yourself.
Somebody else is putting the pressure on him to behave, and it's not you.
Lucky woman indeed.

smtowngirl

Thats funny stuff but so true! all of it, This is a great place for anyone going through something with an A, and Hammer is so right that you are very lucky his work place had the ba**s to tell him he need to get himself straightened out, my husband had been showing up to work for the last 2 years still drunk for the bender the night before and no one said a thing, oh they all knew but no one said a dang thing. I had to drag mine to rehab the first time after his first DUI. So far we are only on the first DUI, The first Detox, 2 alcohol related car accident and 1 out patient treatment (I couldn't convience him to do inpatient) NOt to bad for 6 month time frame.... If your husband doesn't want to be there it may not be doing him any good...so I pray for you that he is getting the help he needs.

One thing I say though is be mad, get angry, have all the emotions you can feel and don't be afraid to show and communicate them to your husband he needs to know that this is not only affecting his job but you.

teresasue

dear surprisedont worry about starting a new thread... someone mentioned that to me. im new and you got what needed to be vented.
i hear u when it comes to support ... in rehab when the whole family id home wondering and lost, confused, devastated...i felt isolated alot when my abf went into rehab for the third timecin 2 years, cause they dodnt work out. Now he is in another state and getting all the support he needa, wants etc, and again im alone, lonely, isolated and venting here.
and a couselor says " im detecting anger" geez, sometimes those couselor r bot educated and so clueless.
I hear your cries and im with you on this ... I m lost without my abf and really trying to figure things out on my own. i pray to ground myself and get stronger...

teresasue

please excuse my spelling... typing on a smart phone is hard seeing the letters.

teresasue

This thread has been helpful for me too.my albf went into rehab 3 times, because he had seizures due to withdrawal. Each he went it was not on his own.
He got all the attention and care; followed all the rules and when he got out; drank the next day. All claimed that "he is doing so well and working so hard"; he fooled everyone.
This is tough, even kicking him in the ass would have done nothing.
My abf is very handsome, charismatic, a great con man. He can get away with anything cause he charmed the pants the staff ect..
and i called the couselor to let them know his "real" drinking habits; it was totally ignored.
So there u go again, right back in ... and dont want to quit..
And here I am in SR too cause I need help myself .

teresasue

I really enjoyed reading blueskies comment.so good and just soo right on!
Thank you for posting !!

teresasue

If i had to find a way to get out frustration over this ordeal would maybe send him loads of his clothes to rehab dirty for him to wash as you flaunt your new hairstyle, new outfit and done up nicely... kind of like that movie first wives club... and let him do the dirty work.
surprised... be kind to yourself, love yourself and stand tall because it seems that what we all have in common is integrity, strength and conviction to be better than this f .. g disease of alcoholism.

Hammer

Well good for you.

Everything is right where it should be; right now.

[that is what my Alananny Angels tell me, and they have been flawless, to date]

Hammer

IF you REALLY want to mess with *them*

BUT ONLY . . . . IF you REALLY want to mess with them . . .

Pray for them. Really. Pray for them.

When God puts some whomp ass on an A . . . it is funnier than watching a dog eat peanut butter, or a cat with some scotch tape stuck on its paw.

smtowngirl

my husband drank through his out patient rehab...and I kept telling his couselors and they said well he says he isn't and the urine test say he isn't...well whoopty doo, he is an alcoholic and very capable of manipulating that! He ended up getting kicked out before he finished because they finally believed me when I came in for the family sessions. It was aweful to waste all that money on thinking he was getting the help he needed. This was back in june and a smashed car later, not to mention many arguments and broken promises.
I think today i will work on a new thread to create my boundary list, I have tried in the past but have never been able to stick with any of them, this site has given me new strength that I knew I had but just have been dening.

spiderqueen

^^^^I love this!^^^^^

Sorry for what brings you here, SurprisedinVA. And boy-howdy, do I understand your anger.

I once saw a button that said, "Don't MAKE me go all Caps-Lock on your A**"
Almost died laughing.

Once the Caps Lock in you dies down a bit, you will have a great deal of self-love and healing work to do; SR is a great source of support.

I also strongly urge you to seek fellowship in Alanon, read all the literature, educate yourself. You will be building a strong foundation for yourself, whether your husband embraces recovery, or not.

Take good care,
SQ