Leftover

I need input from this forum. I'm a parent who loves an adult alcoholic/drug addicted son. I'm finding it difficult to understand detachment under those circumstances. Here is what I've done. 1. Told him I will assume no responsibilities for him. 2. Told him I will not participate in his addictive behaviors or their consequences. 3. Told him I will always love him. And so because he is head over heels, up to his neck in his 20 year addiction and all the rotten consequences, I have had little to no contact. He is real angry at me and said he will talk to me again, MAYBE, when everything is rosy. I find this detachment an "all or nothing" situation. How can I show my love to him? Any suggestions from other Moms and Dads out there would surely help. Thank you so much.

robgt350

well, maybe now his addiction is talking to him now and saying these words to you. i had my addiction, i placed great importance on getting my alcohol and drinking it. i placed a greater importance over those who should have been first. i think deep down inside he knows you are right to say that to him and he wants to reach out to you, but his addiction is not allowing him. i hope and pray for your situation.

Recovering2

First of all, I give you huge credit for doing what you're doing. He can't see it right now, but this IS your love for him. You are respecting his right to choose his path, and you're getting out of the way. You're allowing him to experience the full consequences of his choices. If he ever does seek recovery, it may be because of all this.

My parents never found the courage to make those hard choices. So my 50yo brother still lives with them, active in his addiction, and they are all miserable. It is heart breaking.

I guess all you can do right now is give him over to his Higher Power, and pray. When there is communication, tell him you love him. Even if he doesn't believe you right now, he'll hear you say it.

Big hugs to you, I admire your love and courage.

Leftover

Tanks Rob. I hope,he knows I love him!

Leftover

Recovering2, you have made me weep. I do love him and have never left him without saying so. I will continue to pray. Thank you for the reassurance.

Seren

Hello Leftover,

My stepson is an alcoholic and crack addict currently in recovery (to the best of our knowledge at this time).

For our own sanity, and actually for his growth as an adult, we have very limited contact with him right now. Like you, we tell him we love him at every opportunity.

You are showing your love for your son by doing what is best for him--that is the definition of love, in my opinion. It is willing the good of the other, even if it means that the person is not part of our day-to-day lives.

Hang in there! I know this hurts, and you can come here and talk about it anytime you feel the need.

Leftover

Your are right Seren...FOR OUR OWN SANITY. This disease has taken a toll on our entire family. I had to love him enough to let him go and I had to love myself as well. But....it is so hard. So very difficult.

dandylion

Dear LeftOver, I am in a similar situation. My son is finally in treatment. I had to "Let go and let God"---Except I say "Let the universe"..I HAD to turn it over!

Trust me--You won't stop loving him---He Knows (down deep) that you really do love him, and he loves you. This will not ever change--even though it doesn't look like this on the surface.

You are doing the right thing for him---resist the temptation to go on guilt trips. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Don't beat up on yourself and don't let it steal joy from the rest of the family.

You sure could use the support of other parents going through the same thing. If you could find an alanon group that has other parents of adult children---that would do you a world of good.

You sound, to me, like you have al ready done some "learning"---continue to do so. Understanding the dynamics of what you are up against does help--a lot!

I agree with you, this pain is so hard on the parent. I understand more than you could know.

dandylion

Leftover

Thank you for the support Dandylion. I believe parents are in a unique situation. We have spent our lives caring and worrying about our children. We have tried to give them good lives and every opportunity that was appropriate. Then we stop. It feels like a death and causes us such grief. I do realize that he makes his own choices, just like my other adult children, and I must respect his decisions, just like my other adult children. He has asked us to leave him and his family alone and that is what we will do. I think maybe he needs someone to blame for not being sober and we are his target. My heart does break, but getting reassurance from other parents has helped. Thank you.

pravchaw

The best we can do is take care of our selves and stop enabling. The rest is mostly up to them. They have to own the process of recovery. By being loving but firm and not enabling we get our loved one's attention. We can then leverage this attention towards starting the process of recovery.

By all means tell him you care for him and love him but you are not going to put up with antisocial behaviour and there will be consequences if he continues. We cannot punish someone into recovery. It has to come from deep inside them. It has to come from their own pain. Which they themselves created and only they can heal.