jessicajoe

I know I'm posting lots and lots. I'm sorry. I will calm down. Having found SR I'm kind of on a roll with "getting it out there"

Something a bit bizarre is going on with me and my A
I found SR about a month or so ago. Not as part of my recovery but in an attempt to find resources to support my partner in an attempt at not drinking. (I found so very much more thank you)
He was dry for a couple of weeks and since he started drinking again he drinks lots more than before. He drinks at least six beers every night(often more) and his one or two weekly nights of one big 3/2 bottle instead of the cans have disappeared. He also talks some about being an alcoholic. That's new.
That's background that might be relevant.
What's got me thinking is 3 or 4 times in this period he has said something (when drunk) that I would actually consider to be "mean" or "cruel" last night he wanted me to commit to something(no big deal) and I wouldn't so he started quacking future "sweet-talk" and I realized it was an out and out attempt at manipulation.
These things in themselves are no biggie compared with what lots of people here are going through but I promise it is absolutely brand new and out of character for him.
The whole thing is sad but bizarre. I'm thinking is this the beginning of a new stage (the angry manipulative A I read about here rearing his head)?
Is it some sort of retaliation at my sincere attempts at detachment because he doesn't understand and wants me to "bite"?
Or, much as I don't want it to be true, has there always been some of this and I just haven't been removed enough to see it?
Whatever the reason its "yuck" and I don't like it. More Awareness of the inevitable ?

Seren

Hi Jessica,

Post as much as you want

I think you are experiencing the 'push back' that often happens when the alcoholics enabler starts to detach.

My husband and I have experienced all the sweet manipulation, promises for change, threats, the 'nobody loves me' statements, and the out-and-out threats of violence from his son. All because we were detaching from him and his unacceptable behaviors and letting him deal with the consequences of his own actions.

Just be prepared for this to continue as you learn to detach more and more. Sending hugs!

Hammer

When you start to see just much "iceberg" is below the waterline . . . it is rather stunning and amazing.

Remember, you/we/me are just little boats. Icebergs are very big and very deep.

1. Keep some distance (aka Detachment)

2. Put up some safety fences (aka Boundaries). Some I use -- I will NOT argue with her. I will not lie or cover for her.

You have some miles ahead of you. Relax, take care of yourself. Do Alanon.

FireSprite

I agree - it's like a dance & you've changed the steps... so he's compensating & trying to draw you back in to the same steps OR find a way to control the new pattern you are starting.

The iceburg reference is great too - there used to be a great chart/image that was posted to explain that theory. I'll see if I can bump up the old thread, many newbies might find it useful.

Regretter

No don't do that, the more people that post lots the less I look so verbose when I'm posting so much on the forum, even though I said I wouldn't.

I've been there before. Meaning that I was once the hubby that's done the sweet-talking and it always came right after I was told "no" about something.

I don't know enough about your particular lives to comment one way or the other, but having been that guy myself in the past I can say that it comes at a cost later on if it's accepted as 'real' by the other person in the relationship, especially if it's out of character.

Regardless of whether it's new or old but not previously noticed, being aware of it now is the key skill as it helps the listener to separate fact from fiction from the speaker.

dandylion

The pattern that I can see, for me with my As is that, as time went on--the more they drank---and the worse the behaviors became. It became evident, to me, why alcoholism is called a "progressive" disease.

Also, just because they started to use the word "alcoholic", didn't mean that they had immediate plans for sobriety!!!!


dandylion

Flicka57

jessicajoe: You are doing great! Keep Posting. You are Detaching & you are Observing and seeing it now. I used to stop at my front door every night before I got home and say to myself--okay it's time for the "Crazy Joe Show" and pretend instead of my life I was watching TV and that helped me observe his behavior. It helped me detach and when I saw some of those things you are seeing you recognize them right away. Never knew what performance I was in for every night. Now divorced and that's the only part I miss now is his nightly performance of trying to push my buttons!--now I just watch the news!

Recovering2

When I first started to really practice detachment, my A got worse. My counselor warned me that once the A figured out I was changing, even if he wasn't exactly sure what was going on, he would try to get things to go back to where they had been. So he started trying to push buttons, pick fights, you name it. Thankfully, I knew to expect it thanks to my counselor, so it didn't work. I remained detached.

You're doing great! You're detaching, and becoming more aware.

spiderqueen

JJ:
I am sorry for the pain of your "awakening"; but glad you are here with us, and learning to take care of yourself.

I second what dandylion said, about the progressive nature of this affliction.

My A behaved in a similar manner to yours, as I started to pull away and stopped tolerating all the crap. He also began to "identify" himself as alcoholic; meanwhile, the binges got worse, more frequent and longer-lasting. He swung between sweet talking, and aggressive blame shifting and baiting, to try to get things back to status quo.

He still has not done everything necessary to achieve long term sobriety. And sadly, we are apart.

I hope for the best for you. Please do keep posting! Your words help not only you, but countless others reading and relating to your story.
SQ