cherrywaves

I am a recovering pot smoker. A lot of people who suffer from other drug abuse laugh when I say this, saying pot is not a drug or are you kidding me, you are not a real addict. Like there is some criteria you must fit. It is very much real. I have found it in me to quit smoking because it was affecting my college work and my over all health. I use to smoke about an 1/8th a day. I did my full stop about a month ago but have smoked three times since.

I am posting here because my boyfriend who i live with is an alcoholic. The first six months of our relationship was spent going to school, i would smoke tons and tons of weed and he would drink about a bottle a day or more. He is prior military, was in the service for ten years. He is currently going to school which is where we met. He did five tours and is suffering from PTSD. He was in the marines and i'm sure you know that they must remain strong at all times, no weakness is allowed which is why he does not realize he has a serious problem. I am also a psychology major almost done with my bachelors so I know a decent amount about alcoholism and especially ptsd.

We recently relocated from staten island ny to long island ny about a month ago. Once i found out we were moving i decided this is my perfect time to quit because its a new start and i wont be around any of my triggers. He has also cut back on drinking, mostly on weekends but thankfully it is not every day like it use to be.

Now when he use to drink he was verbally abusive and on the verg of getting physical. My boyfriend is 6'6 and about 200 pounds of pure muscle, I am 5 foot and 115 so fighting him off would be difficult. There is no abusive behavior when he is sober. Hes thrown things at me, threatened to shoot me, screamed in my face like I am one of his marines and he is a drill sergeant. I would show him I am not afraid by getting back in his face and screaming at him that I will not back down.

I also suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I am on medication. I have panic attacks when he leaves the house because I am afraid he will drink. I do not have urges to smoke only when he insists on drinking (because we use to party together) I feel like I cannot trust him.

When he drinks he is so aggravating, there is no reasoning with him, he does not listen to my requests even if i break down crying he just calls me a *****. We went to his friends house yesterday he drank a gallon of bacardi which most likely caused him to black out. He poured liquor all over me on purpose cause he thought it was funny. I did not smoke so I had to rely on myself to remain calm and not punch him in the face. He makes fun of me when he is drunk and it really hurts. I feel like i should be tougher but im really losing my strength. He would blow through his money (the government pays him to go to school, G.I bill) and then pressure me into spending my money on random things, food, liquor. I just want to save my money i am only 22 years old and i want to have a nice savings so i do not worry..

Sorry if this is so long, I hope one of you will read this and help me out. I just need someone to talk to, i have no friends the ones i use to have just used me for my intelligence, for my advice and never wanted to help me in return. I have no family members i can count on. I'm tired of feeling alone.

catlovermi

Cherrywaves,

Welcome to SR, I hope you will find support here.

PLEASE understand your description suggests a very toxic relationship.

And please know that a toxic relationship with a post-combat vet with PTSD twice your size is extremely dangerous for you.

Add to this substance abuse, and you are in way deep, especially for the ripe age of 22.

You deserve a peaceful life with stability, working toward a future.

Perhaps you will find some useful information here.

And here.

And here.

CLMI

BlueSkies1

If a friend came up to you and told you she was thinking of marrying a wild wolf, what would you say?
If she said--I think I can turn the wild wolf into a mild puppy, what would you say?
He's so far into his marine mode lifestyle, he's a wolf, dear...there's no turning him into a mild mannered puppy.
He's shown you who he is...believe him. He's a wolf.
People do change, it happens. But rarely do wolves take up the violin, cry to movies, or grind down their canines to soft teeth...
You're asking this man to change a lot. Not a little.
You're asking him to change so much that...you wouldn't recognize him!
So just who are you in love with, since you don't like who he is and would change him to be unrecognizable?
I'm only trying to help by pointing out that wolves don't change into puppies...some changes we want others to do are so severe that we might as well ask for the moon...!

You're young. What if he doesn't treat you any better, or better for a little while, and then actually gets worse?
He's shown you who he is NOW.
Believe him...the NOW of who he is, and who he is now is most likely who he will be tomorrow, next year, and ten years from now.

dandylion

cherrywaves, I completely agree with the last 2 posters. Honey, you are playing with fire.

You would do well to wish him well--end the relationship and go on with your life. I predict disaster if you continue with this relationship.

Based on your description of your previous friends--I would guess that you have considerable co-dependency tendencies (people pleaser). Take the effort to do self-eamination along these lines. alanon would be perfect for you. Otherwise, you will be repeating these patterns in your relationships--with friends, clients and men.

Try to turn this life crisis into a period of personal growth.

It can be done--you can do it!

dandylion

RhodeIsland

If this relationship is ended, in a few rotations around the earth this relationship will seem like a distant, bad dream. Regrets are not often found when leaving these.

Seems like the entire world while in it, and seems like a small cage in a basement of an abandoned house afterwards.

cherrywaves

I am most certainly not a people pleaser. My friends would ask me to hang out I go hang out then they start asking me questions what should I do about this or can I borrow money can u hook me up with this....etc the first time they need help I'll help them. Once it
Becomes aware to be that they are using me I cut them off no problem. I do not live to please people I could careless of what others think about me

cherrywaves

He may be a wolf but I am not his prey. When he drinks he gets stupid and reckless but you must understand that when he isn't
He is the most caring and understanding person in the world. He drove me cross country just to go see my dying grandma with me. He leaves little notes in my pocket with. Cute things written on them. He's help pay off my student loans. He got this apartment so I didn't have to live back home in a more abusive situation. We both love politics we love rock
Music we travel together. I fell in love with his tough exterior but he needs to realize in civilian lifestyle we do not scream in people faces. These altercations that happened only had happened four
Times in total (I'm talking about verbal abuse) since his large cut back this has
Not happened. I'm not asking him to change anything he is a man who is use to structure and he needs that. My only statement is that he cannot drink on the week days and possibly every other weekend. And so far this has worked
I think your taking it to the extreme with the wolf talk cause h

cherrywaves

NWGRITS

You are trying to change another person, which is not something that you have a right to do. He's a combat vet with PTSD and an alcohol problem. He's a ticking time bomb, and the way you're talking, you're going to get hurt (or worse) when it goes off. I know, you think he's different. He's not like the other A's on here. You can change him. Sure, when pigs fly.

Your posts are screaming "Codependency!" whether you realize it or not. Please, please get to Al-Anon and help yourself. This relationship is the antithesis of healthy. Nothing good will come of it if you stay.

cherrywaves

I spent most of the night reading about the relationship part on that website. It helped open my eyes about things so I thank you. Although I'm young I am much smarter then the average I have no issues with not smoking I m just trying to see if this will work (relationship)

cherrywaves

First off like i said before. I am not trying to change him i am trying to HELP him with his alcoholism. What do you think psychologist do? they try to help the person see the change they need to make. All your paying attention to in my blog are the negative things. He has drank once in this whole month of september and that was this weekend. i would believe that is a start. He is not more important to me then myself, I always put myself first which is why im on here to get help with dealing with my issues. I have a therapist who i see also. If my help eventually doesn't work then I will not be with him. Im not dependent on him i have my own money there are no children involved and i have no problem saying enough is enough. I just dont feel like ive reached that point yet.

catlovermi

Cherrywaves,

Let me ask you this. You are a student of psychology.

You chose to title your post: FAMILIAR taste of POISON.

If a client seeking counseling were to come to your practice, using such language, what would you think?

What would their own choice of words suggest to you about this client, and their back-story?

CLMI

theseithakas

Hi Cherrywaves,
As another young person (I'm in my late 20s) in a relationship with an alcoholic, I'd like to share a few things with you.

I have been with my A for about two years now. We live together. Prior to him deciding to stop drinking in June 2012, we would try to make "rules" around him drinking. That doesn't work. After he decided to stop drinking, he kept drinking behind my back anyway. Once he revealed that to me (as if I didn't know), he's been slightly more dedicated about going to AA, but he will relapse about once a month or so.

I used to be really dedicated to him as far as not wanting to leave. Now I am sure that if this continues, I will leave. Maybe I'm not ready yet, but if he keeps drinking (and if the past is any indication...), I will be. I've already come to terms with a plan that I could easily and feasibly put in place if need be.

A lot of things about you remind me of me, and especially me at 22. I also suffer from anxiety, and it took a lot of work for me to get to a place where I could just let my A go out without worrying. But guess what? If he wants to drink, he'll drink, and I can't control or help that. It helps me to remember that any consequences he suffers from drinking are not MY consequences - they are his, and his alone.

My point is this - we all think our As and our situations are special and different, and they are not. Active As are by and large the same in most ways. They're caring and wonderful when they're not drinking, and horror shows when they are. We can't change them. We can't make rules for them to abide by so they stop drinking in a way that scares us. We can't help them stop drinking. That's not in our job description. We can only take care of ourselves.

I can understand not being ready to leave. I'm glad you're taking steps to take care of yourself. I'd encourage you to continue on that path. Wherever his destructive behaviors take him - it's not your problem. It's not your problem at all.

BoxinRotz

Aren't they all? Really... isn't he sooooooo cute?! *squeal*

I liken a mate with alcoholism to a ton of presents under the Christmas Tree. Look at all those beautiful packages. We open them only to find dung!

dandylion

cherrywaves---one of the basic things that every professional psychologist learn is that you can't treat your "own". It backfires. (support and treatment are not synonymous).
If you have any doubt--ask every professor that you know about this subject.

I am also, a professional--and I learned--the h a r d way! Same applies to medical professionals.

dandylion

Florence

You're describing an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships don't include this kind of back and forth in your face argumentation, drinking until blackout, insulting one another, a guy pouring booze on you for laughs (seriously, this was an early 90s video cliche that symbolized men's disrepect for women for a reason -- people don't go around throwing drinks on people).

Lots of guys will send you nice notes and support you during family crises that also won't push you around, yell in your face, make fun of you, and pour bacardi on you at parties.

Who is the "we" that's going to teach him that? You? Good luck.

One of the first things we discuss here is the 3 Cs. You didn't cause this, can't control it, and can't cure it. You can't -- you just can't. If love was enough to cure addiction, people wouldn't be addicts. Your rules around his drinking are trying to control his terrible behavior towards you. That won't work forever. All the reasoning and explanations in the world don't change that this guy is the kind of guy that physically threatens you and does confusing, mean things to you in front of his friends. You don't deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, especially not from someone you love. Whether or not he will stop this treatment toward you is another thing -- which is why we tend to advise that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, and if he's not already mitigating his behavior by abstaining from booze and seeing a counselor for his ill treatment towards you and his PTSD (5 tours!) then you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Since you're not a shrinking violet, let's call this what it is. He's an abusive alcoholic. You're in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. You don't have to protect him from this label -- especially not us, who you solicited for help in a time of need -- you and others will see it in his behavior. The kind of behavior in which screaming down at a woman almost half his size is acceptable, and pouring booze on her at a party is high-larious.

This guy doesn't sound like a catch to me. He sounds mean and really disturbed. He needs the kind of help you can't give him. I get the "nice guy" thing -- and I understand PTSD intimately. But while these are explanations for his behavior, they don't make his behavior okay under any circumstances, and I wonder how long you're willing to live like this, considering your own challenges.

Seren

Hello Cherrywaves, Welcome to SR!

I'm really sorry for what brings you here...your story is very familiar to us.

No one here can tell you whether or not to stay with your boyfriend or to leave. That decision is entirely up to you, and I think it will depend on what you are willing to accept as you weigh the pros and cons of this relationship.

I know that my husband and I used to try to have logical conversations with his son about his drinking and drug use -- and the behaviors that came along with it. Sadly, there was simply no reaching him while he is actively using. It's impossible to have a conversation with an active addict.

My stepson, when sober, is a very charming, sweet man who would do anything for anyone. When he is drunk, he is condescending and sarcastic. When he is high on crack, he is beligerent, aggressive, and violent. All three of these people are my stepson. They cannot be separated, and my husband and I had to accept that. The same holds true for all alcoholics and addicts--as long as someone is using or drinking, there is no separating the behaviors.

I hope you will stick around, vent here as often as you need!

Welcome, again.

changeneeded

Cherry,

Welcome, congrats on the quit of the pot smoking. Well done! How long did it take you to quit when you made the decision to do so? Your boyfriend I understand is a strong physically and strong willed man, what else to hope for from a marine?

Does he binge drink? I ask because in your first post you said he will spend all of his money on drinking , and then ask you to use your money. Above, you said he helps you with your student loans.

I'm asking because if he is a person who will binge once in a while, would that make you feel less inclined to name him as an addict, thinking it is just once in a while, so you need to just get through it?

Would kind of help are you looking for? There are so many people here that have such words of wisdom. They have been through relationships, sometimes more than one person, only to repeat because they thought they could do it differently this time(raising hand).

Keep coming back, and read with an open mind.

Be well,

Hammer

CW --

Something that tends to get mixed up in this "Self-Medicating" realm, is that different causes come from . . . different causes. (duh, huh?) I suppose as BS Psych, you have some insight into this.

MHO -- Briefly, your scenario is not so bleak as many.

Within the strict Alanon realm, folks are taught to NOT to consider the cause of Alcoholism, but at the same time learn all they can about Alcoholism.

But since you have a glimpse that PTSD is what this is about (not that unusual), there are known good successful treatments available. Which is VERY different from the garden variety A, that many of us deal with.

The VA deals with this daily. And there is total recovery possible if this is the case.

Just as a contrast, some of us who have more genetic, or mental illness, etc. Long-Termers of A's and Addicts in our lives -- those can tend to be a little more grim, as it is actually a part of who the person (real brain hardware) is.

===================

However, as you probably already know if he does choose to get clean and sober -- that will not come via, by, or through you. NICE part about that is it frees you up to take care of YOU.

Many of us find that to be a Full Time job in itself, once we get into it.

Meanwhile do some Alanon for you, learn about detachment, and how to set and maintain boundaries.

================

You do what you want, but if you are not used to boundaries, here might be a couple of good boundaries for you -- to maintain for YOU. Not about controlling him or anything like that.

1. If/when he is drinking. Anything. You leave. Not angry. Not arguing. Not even an Attitude. Not a fight about, not really even a discussion. He drinks = you are not present.

Keeps you safe, and him, too. He probably does not want to do anything to harm you, and is likely deeply ashamed it of when he does. That just make things worse.

It is not like you are leaving forever, or even moving out. Just staying clear of ANY Alcohol use.

2. You do not come back for some set time until AFTER he has Stopped All Drinking. Could be 24 hours, 48, dunno. You know how long it takes for Return to Sanity. Make sure you are choosing a time on the safe side of things.

=======

Meanwhile, if he can do the VA and AA, he has a pretty good chance.

I sit with a recent Marine at an Open AA meeting many Sunday evenings. Good guy.

He still has a LOT of unlearning still to do. So does your guy.

ladyscribbler

Cherrywaves,
I have some experience with PTSD- both firsthand and with my AB. We were both deployed in Iraq when we met. It's a tough nut to crack, but it can be done, but its also something you have to consider separately from the drinking. The binging (again I speak from experience) will get progressively worse, so will the verbal abuse, and so will the escalation to violence.
You feel that because you are "in his face", standing up to him and not taking his crap that you are not codependent and not enabling his drinking behavior. I felt the same way. I was in the Army. I'm tough. I don't take crap etc. etc. But that is enabling, and I am a (recovering) codependent. Getting in his face and returning his aggression is enabling. Not the classic "shrinking violet" stereotype, but it is enabling just the same because you are allowing him to dictate your behavior. Your actions are dependent on his actions, your moods are dictated by his moods. That is codependency.
As for helping him, yeah, he's been through a lot, which I'm sure he never hesitates to remind you, but it is not for you to help him. He has to decide for himself that he wants help and then go and get it.
I left my AB just over a week ago. Took the kids and laced up my dancing shoes. Moved all of our stuff out of the house, got the kids in their new schools, I have a job interview tomorrow. That is how I chose to help my AB. I decided I loved him too much to want to have a front row seat to his slow-motion suicide.