Familiar taste of poison
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by cherrywaves 
First off like i said before. I am not trying to change him i am trying to HELP him with his alcoholism. What do you think psychologist do? they try to help the person see the change they need to make. All your paying attention to in my blog are the negative things. He has drank once in this whole month of september and that was this weekend. i would believe that is a start. He is not more important to me then myself, I always put myself first which is why im on here to get help with dealing with my issues. I have a therapist who i see also. If my help eventually doesn't work then I will not be with him. Im not dependent on him i have my own money there are no children involved and i have no problem saying enough is enough. I just dont feel like ive reached that point yet.
Not angry just direct
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: England
Posts: 257
Hey cherry, welcome to the forum.
I don't have great advice about dealing with alcoholic partners as my wife wasn't one, but I've read all your posts and there's something about you I like. I think the thing I like about you is that you have psychological integrity and stand your ground.
I respect that in people.
I do understand what it's like to be dependent on weed and it took me 23yrs to decide that it isn't good for me. Once I'd made the decision to stop it I found it extremely difficult to actually take the plunge and it took me throwing away several ounces down the toilet and removing myself from any circles of friends that used it. When I told people that I was stopping it I had three key reactions from people.. the first was hearing things like "yeah right.. YOU'RE going to stop smoking weed overnight, I don't think so", and the second was "why?"
When I explained why (because it ruins my guitar playing) I mainly heard "you don't seem to have a problem with it to me" and/or "I thought weed helped guitar players?". In other words nobody took me seriously and gave me any support, in fact I received some criticism.
It wasn't until I was completely clear of it that I realised how much it was responsible for my social anxiety.
So, I can empathise that others don't see it as a drug (which it is because weed contains chemicals) and a problem for some, and I can also understand that it's great for being at the root of long-term panic attacks and anxiety after using it as heavily as you and I were, even long after cessation.
I'm glad you're free of it because for some of us life's much better without it and I can only hope you can use your skills to help your hubby like you want to. As a man who was once very similar to him, I can say with a modicum of confidence that it's probably unhealthy for you to be in the position you're in, but it's up to you how you live your life and who you live it with, and indeed what **** you're prepared to tolerate or not.
I hope you find solace from somewhere as you're still young enough to be very flexible in your ways and reap the benefits from long-term thinking. I started late so now that I'm approaching my middle-age I regret not waking up when I was a younger man as I'd be far better off today.
I don't have great advice about dealing with alcoholic partners as my wife wasn't one, but I've read all your posts and there's something about you I like. I think the thing I like about you is that you have psychological integrity and stand your ground.
I respect that in people.
I do understand what it's like to be dependent on weed and it took me 23yrs to decide that it isn't good for me. Once I'd made the decision to stop it I found it extremely difficult to actually take the plunge and it took me throwing away several ounces down the toilet and removing myself from any circles of friends that used it. When I told people that I was stopping it I had three key reactions from people.. the first was hearing things like "yeah right.. YOU'RE going to stop smoking weed overnight, I don't think so", and the second was "why?"
When I explained why (because it ruins my guitar playing) I mainly heard "you don't seem to have a problem with it to me" and/or "I thought weed helped guitar players?". In other words nobody took me seriously and gave me any support, in fact I received some criticism.
It wasn't until I was completely clear of it that I realised how much it was responsible for my social anxiety.
So, I can empathise that others don't see it as a drug (which it is because weed contains chemicals) and a problem for some, and I can also understand that it's great for being at the root of long-term panic attacks and anxiety after using it as heavily as you and I were, even long after cessation.
I'm glad you're free of it because for some of us life's much better without it and I can only hope you can use your skills to help your hubby like you want to. As a man who was once very similar to him, I can say with a modicum of confidence that it's probably unhealthy for you to be in the position you're in, but it's up to you how you live your life and who you live it with, and indeed what **** you're prepared to tolerate or not.
I hope you find solace from somewhere as you're still young enough to be very flexible in your ways and reap the benefits from long-term thinking. I started late so now that I'm approaching my middle-age I regret not waking up when I was a younger man as I'd be far better off today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi CW and welcome! I know it is probably overwhelming to share your story and find that so many people have strong feelings about your situation. I am pretty new here too.
The best suggestion I can make is to keep an open mind. Both alcoholics and loved ones tend to be somewhat predictable. The longer I am here the more I start to see the dynamics involved, and I recognize a lot of my own behavior, that which I guess I don't want to look at, in others. People aren't trying to tell you what to do, they are trying to save you the pain they endured.
A lot of posters are very honest with their first post. Then they get responses and realize there are live people out there and the protective shuffle starts. Because that is what we do, it is a learned behavior. When we know that something isn't really ok but we choose to stay put anyway, it takes a lot of work to convince ourselves and others that it is tolerable. Putting it out there by posting crystallizes it. And then that gets really uncomfortable because it is not what we are used to , so we start to minimize the issues that we shared in our first post.
Even though it is your boyfriend who is the alcoholic, you are as involved with his disease as he is. You are both suffering the consequences. However, he HAS to deal with it, you don't. Walking on eggshells and waiting for the next shoe to drop is a good setup for PTSD. Don't underestimate the damage an alcoholic can do when they are active in their addiction. I am sure he does do kind things, that's what keeps you hooked, believing that is the real person and that the rest of the issues are ancillary. Those issues are central to his makeup. You don't have to have black eyes to be a victim of abuse, simply living in fear and uncertainty qualifies you. Protecting him and defending him feel logical, because it is what you are used to, or else you would have been gone a long time ago.
I hope you keep posting. There are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes, we are rooting for you!
The best suggestion I can make is to keep an open mind. Both alcoholics and loved ones tend to be somewhat predictable. The longer I am here the more I start to see the dynamics involved, and I recognize a lot of my own behavior, that which I guess I don't want to look at, in others. People aren't trying to tell you what to do, they are trying to save you the pain they endured.
A lot of posters are very honest with their first post. Then they get responses and realize there are live people out there and the protective shuffle starts. Because that is what we do, it is a learned behavior. When we know that something isn't really ok but we choose to stay put anyway, it takes a lot of work to convince ourselves and others that it is tolerable. Putting it out there by posting crystallizes it. And then that gets really uncomfortable because it is not what we are used to , so we start to minimize the issues that we shared in our first post.
Even though it is your boyfriend who is the alcoholic, you are as involved with his disease as he is. You are both suffering the consequences. However, he HAS to deal with it, you don't. Walking on eggshells and waiting for the next shoe to drop is a good setup for PTSD. Don't underestimate the damage an alcoholic can do when they are active in their addiction. I am sure he does do kind things, that's what keeps you hooked, believing that is the real person and that the rest of the issues are ancillary. Those issues are central to his makeup. You don't have to have black eyes to be a victim of abuse, simply living in fear and uncertainty qualifies you. Protecting him and defending him feel logical, because it is what you are used to, or else you would have been gone a long time ago.
I hope you keep posting. There are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes, we are rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I've given this advice before to others, so here goes: you come here for advice, then defend it. This is what's called denial. I was in this state myself way back.
You're very young and have so much to learn about life (degree or not, life experience beats a degree anyday), and you will learn that what you're doing by being with a violent addict is also an addiction.
You didn't quit pot if you smoked after you quit.
All the trying to make him NOT an addict will get you two places: dead or insane.
You are smart enough to know that you cannot change anyone. He's not your patient, he didn't seek our help, you're trying to help him without his wanting it. It won't work
Get into Al Anon and focus on your own addictions to weed, control, and codependency That doesn't mean your not independent, it means you are emotionally dependent on him. If you weren't you would not accept his abuse. He's an abuser.
I've said it before on here and will say it again, you won't leave him. You will stay and over and over try to change him. We only leave when we're ready. You are not ready
You're very young and have so much to learn about life (degree or not, life experience beats a degree anyday), and you will learn that what you're doing by being with a violent addict is also an addiction.
You didn't quit pot if you smoked after you quit.
All the trying to make him NOT an addict will get you two places: dead or insane.
You are smart enough to know that you cannot change anyone. He's not your patient, he didn't seek our help, you're trying to help him without his wanting it. It won't work
Get into Al Anon and focus on your own addictions to weed, control, and codependency That doesn't mean your not independent, it means you are emotionally dependent on him. If you weren't you would not accept his abuse. He's an abuser.
I've said it before on here and will say it again, you won't leave him. You will stay and over and over try to change him. We only leave when we're ready. You are not ready
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
The only thing to say to you is go to Alanon. Find help for yourself.
It,s not normal to drink a gallon of Bacardi.
You are describing an out of control alcoholic and a very abusive situation.
Do you think this is helping your anxiety disorder and depression?
This is him Marines or not. That is probablywhybhe became a marine,to channel all that aggression.
It,s not normal to drink a gallon of Bacardi.
You are describing an out of control alcoholic and a very abusive situation.
Do you think this is helping your anxiety disorder and depression?
This is him Marines or not. That is probablywhybhe became a marine,to channel all that aggression.
Originally Posted by cherrywaves
I am a recovering pot smoker. A lot of people who suffer from other drug abuse laugh when I say this, saying pot is not a drug or are you kidding me, you are not a real addict. Like there is some criteria you must fit. It is very much real. I have found it in me to quit smoking because it was affecting my college work and my over all health. I use to smoke about an 1/8th a day. I did my full stop about a month ago but have smoked three times since.
I am posting here because my boyfriend who i live with is an alcoholic. The first six months of our relationship was spent going to school, i would smoke tons and tons of weed and he would drink about a bottle a day or more. He is prior military, was in the service for ten years. He is currently going to school which is where we met. He did five tours and is suffering from PTSD. He was in the marines and i'm sure you know that they must remain strong at all times, no weakness is allowed which is why he does not realize he has a serious problem. I am also a psychology major almost done with my bachelors so I know a decent amount about alcoholism and especially ptsd.
We recently relocated from staten island ny to long island ny about a month ago. Once i found out we were moving i decided this is my perfect time to quit because its a new start and i wont be around any of my triggers. He has also cut back on drinking, mostly on weekends but thankfully it is not every day like it use to be.
Now when he use to drink he was verbally abusive and on the verg of getting physical. My boyfriend is 6'6 and about 200 pounds of pure muscle, I am 5 foot and 115 so fighting him off would be difficult. There is no abusive behavior when he is sober. Hes thrown things at me, threatened to shoot me, screamed in my face like I am one of his marines and he is a drill sergeant. I would show him I am not afraid by getting back in his face and screaming at him that I will not back down.
I also suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I am on medication. I have panic attacks when he leaves the house because I am afraid he will drink. I do not have urges to smoke only when he insists on drinking (because we use to party together) I feel like I cannot trust him.
When he drinks he is so aggravating, there is no reasoning with him, he does not listen to my requests even if i break down crying he just calls me a *****. We went to his friends house yesterday he drank a gallon of bacardi which most likely caused him to black out. He poured liquor all over me on purpose cause he thought it was funny. I did not smoke so I had to rely on myself to remain calm and not punch him in the face. He makes fun of me when he is drunk and it really hurts. I feel like i should be tougher but im really losing my strength. He would blow through his money (the government pays him to go to school, G.I bill) and then pressure me into spending my money on random things, food, liquor. I just want to save my money i am only 22 years old and i want to have a nice savings so i do not worry..
Sorry if this is so long, I hope one of you will read this and help me out. I just need someone to talk to, i have no friends the ones i use to have just used me for my intelligence, for my advice and never wanted to help me in return. I have no family members i can count on. I'm tired of feeling alone.
I am posting here because my boyfriend who i live with is an alcoholic. The first six months of our relationship was spent going to school, i would smoke tons and tons of weed and he would drink about a bottle a day or more. He is prior military, was in the service for ten years. He is currently going to school which is where we met. He did five tours and is suffering from PTSD. He was in the marines and i'm sure you know that they must remain strong at all times, no weakness is allowed which is why he does not realize he has a serious problem. I am also a psychology major almost done with my bachelors so I know a decent amount about alcoholism and especially ptsd.
We recently relocated from staten island ny to long island ny about a month ago. Once i found out we were moving i decided this is my perfect time to quit because its a new start and i wont be around any of my triggers. He has also cut back on drinking, mostly on weekends but thankfully it is not every day like it use to be.
Now when he use to drink he was verbally abusive and on the verg of getting physical. My boyfriend is 6'6 and about 200 pounds of pure muscle, I am 5 foot and 115 so fighting him off would be difficult. There is no abusive behavior when he is sober. Hes thrown things at me, threatened to shoot me, screamed in my face like I am one of his marines and he is a drill sergeant. I would show him I am not afraid by getting back in his face and screaming at him that I will not back down.
I also suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I am on medication. I have panic attacks when he leaves the house because I am afraid he will drink. I do not have urges to smoke only when he insists on drinking (because we use to party together) I feel like I cannot trust him.
When he drinks he is so aggravating, there is no reasoning with him, he does not listen to my requests even if i break down crying he just calls me a *****. We went to his friends house yesterday he drank a gallon of bacardi which most likely caused him to black out. He poured liquor all over me on purpose cause he thought it was funny. I did not smoke so I had to rely on myself to remain calm and not punch him in the face. He makes fun of me when he is drunk and it really hurts. I feel like i should be tougher but im really losing my strength. He would blow through his money (the government pays him to go to school, G.I bill) and then pressure me into spending my money on random things, food, liquor. I just want to save my money i am only 22 years old and i want to have a nice savings so i do not worry..
Sorry if this is so long, I hope one of you will read this and help me out. I just need someone to talk to, i have no friends the ones i use to have just used me for my intelligence, for my advice and never wanted to help me in return. I have no family members i can count on. I'm tired of feeling alone.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
