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He is going to die alone

Old 09-29-2013, 03:07 PM
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He is going to die alone

I have been off and on this forum for a couple of years. Good months. Bad months. RAH has had periods of longer sobriety (a year). But then in the last year months of ok then a couple of weeks of not so good. Although we make good money (his salary) our finances are a mess. We have been Chapter 13 for a couple of years. But due to his inability to control his spending (do we see a pattern here?) we will have to go into Chapter 7 and sell our home. A month ago he was in the ER due to being so drunk he could barely stand. Met with our GP who helped him with finding a therapist. His hair is falling out and turning white (52) due the alcoholism so he has patches of scalp showing through now. Dr. Gave him Biotin to start taking so it wouldn't get worse. Started attending AA again on a regular basis. Like all co-dep. I thought there was hope. That we could work on the finance thing together and move on. I just wanted to get through until May when our youngest graduates high school. But again, we are back to hiding booze, denying his behavior.

I have to get over myself. I am well known local politician. I am sure that many people know about his problem (EMS has been called about 3 times in the last two years and we are a small town). But the idea of EVERYONE knowing my business just bugs me. If I want to stay in office (I do get paid a little bit) I will have to find a home in our town. Without him. I have to move on. I have to get strong and not give a f*ck as to what people say. Or maybe start fresh in a new town and resign.

I need to get my life back. Start attending Alanon more often. His father died of alcoholism in his late 50's. He is on his way there. I just can't be there when it happens. Give me stories of hope.
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Old 09-29-2013, 04:49 PM
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I moved to a new state for my AH's job. Very small town, everyone talks about everyone's business. I finally caught him and had the evidence so I kicked him out. We are getting divorced and let me tell you, that very day I felt like I got my life back. I make way less money, but I decided to stay here while my AH went back to where we grew up by family. I feel personally, that the first freedom is not having to keep someone else's secret. Then you re-nest and make your home the way you want it. Sure it's hard because you do remember good times with your spouse, but then you go through the mourning that this person he is now, is a replacement of that person. You mourn the loss of them, I cried on my kitchen floor at random times, that stopped, then I got angry...then you feel better and happier that you're taking care of you - and eventually you hope for the best for your ex spouse-I'm just not there yet. I always felt like I was all he had to take care of him, but you know what, they figure out how to drink/use, then they can figure out what to do next. You don't realize how miserable you've been for so long until you get yourself out of the situation.
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Old 09-29-2013, 07:00 PM
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My initial gut reaction like other codependents was to make excuses for my xagf's drinking and keep it under wraps. Once I realized she was an alcoholic and it wasn't going to change I changed my tune. I tell close friends if the subject comes up and I'm not embarrassed about it. It's HER problem not mine.

I have even told some people I'm a codependent and in recovery. Once you get it out there it really doesn't matter that much and it loses it's power to hold you captive.

I don't know him so I can't have hope in him. I can hope for you though since you are here. All the best.
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Old 09-29-2013, 07:22 PM
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Winnie,
I would bet that more people "support" you than you realize. If it is a small town, and you think people know, there are probably more people that admire your "strength" but would give you a high five when you reclaim your life.

I'm in a small town, I know how you feel. While I'm not a well known local politician, we have a reputable business. Re your home and bankruptcy: many people are there, in fact, it may cause people to respect you a little more for holding your head high as you struggle.

JMO
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