new beginnings

I was wondering if anyone has any stories they want to share of things that have worked for them in communicating with the A in their life. Was there anything specific that you said or did that helped the A understand and see their actions? All I have gotten is it turned around on me. Everything is always because of something I have done or haven't done. My AH never admits he is wrong in any of his behaviors or actions.

BoxinRotz

The only time I've ever been able to get through to my AH is when he's sober. He knows that what he's doing to himself is wrong. He knows it makes him sick. He knows he can't have one drink. He knows it is decimating our marriage n relationship. He knows he's wrong. He knows it's why his son has backed off from him. He knows it's why he lost his first wife. He knows it can n will kill him. He knows n acknowledged it all without flying off the deep end.

BUT! Once he got the drink, he was in complete and utter denial.

The only thing I can contribute to my AH getting sober this last time is me detaching. He noticed the abrupt change in me. I don't know if the recent brain surgery had anything to do with it because the motorcycle accident didn't. If anything, I'd say it was me changing that scared him the most. I could be wrong though.

thislonelygirl

Yes. A few times ive had conversations with a sober or more of hungover ah where I explained my fears and thoughts. Not hateful or yelling but more emotional sad where I explained the impact to our kids to his family to me and to himself and that hes not him when hes drinking. That i love him and want to be with him but i want a sober partner and our kids deserve one. AlsolWhat happens the longer it goes on for the alcoholic and family. Ah broke down cried and the few times he quit for a time being. I could tell I got through to him but its not just about my words its about his thoughts and perserverance and dedication but I think it did help to get him to recognize a problem.
It was sort of a 1 person intervention lol
But sometimes talks backfire and sometimes not talking says more

KKE

At the time I think I thought I was getting through on occasions. Now that my partner is in recovery, I look back and realise that nothing was getting through really. Just every so often I'd trigger off a feeling of guilt in him (which at the time i thought was me getting through) which would come back at me either that day or later in the week.

BoxinRotz

I've had many times where I thought I had reached him too, only for it to be a pacifying outcome. Sometimes I felt it to be a set up. Me setting myself up. Ugh....

honeypig

This is part of the disease of alcoholism. IMHO, you can send a marching band to the house, sing it as opera while doing naked handstands on the back of a galloping zebra or hire an airplane to do skywriting. Until the A decides he is ready, he will not hear you.

Meanwhile, what are you doing for YOU that is not about HIM?

thislonelygirl

I agree and disagree. I dont think intervention would exist if you couldnt but for whatever minute hours or days you get through to them ...there is still the power of addiction hence when I said it dr Po ends on the slcoholic but yes I think we DO reach them but the voice of addiction ends up taking over sometimes

NWGRITS

This. Unless he is already willing to listen and doing his own inventory, it's not going to do any good. If he's not even close to wanting sobriety for himself, you'd be better off trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

PippiLngstockng

If there were a magic set of words to get an A to 'wake up and listen!!!' I am sure we'd all give anything to get them!!!!!

Even when I know there's no getting through to the guy, I still forget the 45,679 other sets of words and approaches I've taken and try yet another combination as though it were a first attempt!

Then I need to yell at myself 'wake up, Pippi!'

KKE

Kind of feel like the intervention isn't "us" getting through to them though? It's like it's there for when they're ready? If we reached them then would they have carried on afterwards? This is all just my thoughts of course, not saying you're wrong :-)

atalose

In my experience yes at times there were conversations that got through. At times me leaving got through. And for weeks or months even years recovery lasted. Then one bad though and decision later, relapse.

The problem with "us" getting through to them is it enforces our codependency and our thinking that some how we were able to fix or repair them.

And that is far from the truth.

thislonelygirl

I do think we get through but to how much?..well that depends on the A.
And some are in such denial and blame that they flee or fight in a convo like that.
Being ready is a hard term though since some are ready and others are somewhat willing yet dont appear ready.
Many variables but It makes me think of the first step to acknowledge that our lives have become unmanageable because of alcohol. An alcoholic can take that first step and realize that their lives are unmanageable BUT it wouldnt be addiction if that 1st step were enough. Thats why long time recovery and the other 11 steps are vital. Imo just like they can be reached when sober and really grasp what another tells them but that not be enough. Ready is making a dedicated and willing participation to better your lives after accepting the first step.
So yea I think an alcoholic can know they are an alcoholic...know its a problem...know what is being said to them but be hooked by the addiction and the unwillingness to surrender to recovery. So yes I think there can be getting through but addiction is powerful beeswax.
For true success both go hand in hand.
Awareness and recovery.
Im probably rambling on in this but just my thoughts.
We wouldnt be discussing it if we knew for sure so no hard feelings.

thislonelygirl

^oops forgot to qoute kke

KKE

Completely agree. I'm not actually sure there can be an "us" getting through. Has to come from them. Like lots of other things in a way....

new beginnings

Thank you everyone. And yes I agree with Pippi, if there were magic words we would all be millionaires selling them to the next group of Codie's. I just kept hoping something I would say would trigger some kind of feeling in him. But nothing.
I could go on forever here with all the things he does and I do. But in the end, none of that matters. It doesn't matter who did or said what. I wish I could figure out a way that no one would ever have to go through what we all have gone through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever!!!!! Hugs to you all and thanks for once again helping me have better insight and understanding.

healthyagain

This might sound weird, but when it comes to my husband, he apparently does listen, but he does not respond when I want him to. Last week, after applying my detachment "techniques," he was actually trying to please me (he wanted to spend more time with me, he did not stay late drinking, not even in the morning behind my back, he wanted to go out with me, even to Walmart - all things that I was complaining about YEARS ago). Of course, this did not last long. Last night, I refused to argue with him again, and today he is soooooo depressed, he does not even want to drink, and I think that's because he knows I'm changing.

So, I know for sure that my dear hubby did register things and that he actually has a damn good memory.

BuffaloGal

Well, the thing is there was nothing I could really say that he didn't already know. He wasn't stupid. It doesn't take a lot of brain power to figure out that addiction harms relationships-- it does take a fair amount to hide that fact from one's self. I couldn't get through to him because I didn't create his denial and defenses-- he did. For me to dismantle them was never an option. He has to get through to himself... or not.

befuddled1

I'm not sure if it was me 'getting through' to xabf or just a scare for him but when I first realised 'wow he drinks a lot' and mentioned it to him the first thing he said was you're right I do are you going to dump me!?
I didn't and then over the next few months started putting two and two together and realised he was an alcoholic as opposed to a heavy drinkerand wrote him a letter saying I thought he should consider help from a professional and posted it. He did after another month or so then home detox then drank day after!I suspect this was partly to 'keep' me if he showed willing but he has said afford unprompted by me how he needs to stop drinking or he won't be alive much longer. I think even if we do get through the 'demon' on his shoulder usually overrides that until he/she says enough IS enough?

isitme

I agree with BuffaloGal and healthyagain, I think my AH does hear me. He sometimes acknowledges it, but in a different way. He won't EVER admit the alcohol is the problem, he'll say maybe he should cut back. But I think when he inventories all the things I say that just might be true, he really can't deal with it and he drinks more. He knows it won't help, but it lessens the hurt and that seems to be all that matters to him.

It hasn't really changed anything, but more than any threat or ultimatum I've ever given him. Attending Al-anon, setting up some boundaries (of which I used to have NONE), and actually starting to do things for myself, has been the biggest eye opener for him. And the best part is, I didn't do any of it FOR him.

martina12

I read the stickie thread ' My name is Jon and This is What Addicts Do' today in the friends and families thread and felt so struck by the message that I have printed it out and put it in my bag. I am grieving still but this really hit home to me and hope you can read it too? For me I am no longer hanging on to something that I cant cure? I have to, even though its incredibly painful, let go of him and our dreams. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life....let go of my life long love because I can't bear the pain any longer. I am grieving very much but am hoping me and the children will find ourselves somewhere better very soon...I am still on the rollercoaster thought I had got off it then back on it again and so it goes on....starting to look forward instead of back..starting to make new dreams on our own and happier dreams at that