LightInside

My XA told me that he may have hurt me, but that I have hurt him "infinitely worse" by demanding supervised visits. He couldn't find anyone to supervise and thinks this is going to keep him from seeing our son at all.

Codie me is feeling guilty and sorry to hurt him and thinking about how he really is a great daddy when he's sober. He is still claiming to be sober, but I have no proof (no treatment or program).

What I do know is that it only takes one moment of neglect for a kid to be hurt or dead. I do know that if I had ever hired a babysitter who passed out or drank/smoked pot while "taking care of" my kid, I would have fired the babysitter.

Part of me just wants to trust that X is really sober while he's taking care of our son. Still, I made the decision to pursue this legally, because I worry each time that this could be THE time that something happens.

My son loves his daddy and X loves our son.

I hesitated to take this step for so long because I didn't want to be manipulative; I kept believing that he really would stop drinking; I was in denial that the relationship was really over; I was afraid to make X mad; probably one or two reasons more...

I didn't expect to be told that I hurt him "infinitely more." This is him not taking responsibility for his own actions, right?

Aye! Help!

SparkleKitty

It sounds like he has chosen the right kind of manipulative tactic to get you to question your own judgments, yes. In other words, Quack, quack!

Do not accept the unacceptable. Not even once. Stay strong!

Tuffgirl

This^^^ keep reminding yourself of this. Because its true, and this is why you made the decisions you made. That's what good parents do.

This is not your problem. Don't let him throw it back in your lap. Just refuse to take it on. You can control that, ya know.

peaceofpi

You can acknowledge his feelings but don't feel the slightest guilt. This is not about him and his hurt feelings. This is about your child's safety.

I've faced the same situation, and STBXA's enabler lawyer filed a motion against me for "alienation" because A failed the alcohol test and had to go back to supervised!

There really isn't a good solution for actively alcoholic parents. Too many of our laws are skewed to "dad's rights" or parents' or grandparents' rights for more and more visitation. But when you can predict a high risk that a child will be placed in danger, why don't legislatures and courts give more than lip service to the best interest of the child?

LightInside

I don't know what's up with the law. I have two friends who sit through a lot of family law court (social work careers). Neither of then thinks I'll get what I'm asking for, but one of them said I should still ask for what I think is right, because then I'll know I did everything I could.
Latest icky twist is that I let the X "come get some stuff" from the house while I was out today. I checked the internet history and he has downloaded all the forms to do a parenting plan. I'm totally afraid he's going to file before I do and I don't know what he's going to try to get. I want to just file the paperwork first thing in the AM, but I haven't had an attorney look the papers over yet. I have an appt.@ a free legal clinic at 6:45 pm tomorrow. I'm trying to stay calm. I definitely look to be the more trustworthy parent.

lillamy

Baby,
Stick to your guns. You are absolutely right in prioritizing the safety of your child.

A whole other question is why an adult cannot find a friend who can supervise his visits with his child. If that doesn't wake him up, I don't know what will.

LightInside

My friend thinks he's embarrassed about it. I offered to drive a couple of hours to his mom's place, but he would rather play sad-daddy-who-"can't"-see-his-kid.

Whiterhino24

My wife filed separation papers and supervised visits against me this month. I am only allowed to see my daughter with my parents present. It hurt deeply because I have never put our daughter in harms way, but i did have a drinking problem. After a few weeks I agreed to the terms to make her happy and not cause more problems. Its hard that I only get to see her once or twice a week but I cherish those times and it reminds me that I can't drink any more.

LightInside

I'm glad to hear your perspective. My X had passed out while alone with my son and he definitely drank and smoked pot while he was supposed to be taking care of our son. He only sees our son when I go to work (once or twice each week), plus 2 hours when I go to therapy. He has never asked for extra time. I would say he spends 13-24 hours each week with our child. How many hours do you get each week, White rhino?

Whiterhino24

I am currently living with my parents until I save up enough money to rent my own place and they watch her twice a week all day and then fridays I get her over night and all day saturday. I look forward to those days and it feels like an eternity between them.

Txhelp

Supervised visitation is for the well-being of the child.

Under supervision...if things go well over time....can become unsupervised.

This is something earned. Let him figure it out.

Recovering2

Your XA is responsible for his choices, and the consequences of those choices are his. So supervised visits is a consequence. That's HIS problem, not yours. Don't let him get in your head. Of course he's going to turn it on you, that's what A's do. Detach when he starts quacking at you. You're doing the right thing for your family.

LightInside

Thanks for the encouragement. Going through old papers to find stuff for court is bringing up the old ghosts. Seeing old photos of happier times, Today my son heard the wind bang our screen door and he started saying, "Dada? Dada? Dada?" Made me cry. I miss the ******* too, but he doesn't want to be with me and his bitter temper was only getting worse.