Mediation next week
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Mediation next week
Hi Friends,
It's been a while since I've written anything, but I've been stopping by more frequently lately (so this is going to be a bit long). I think I could sense a future need despite the seeming lull. My lawyer emailed me yesterday to ask if I could fit a mediation date into my schedule next Friday because we finally heard from my STBXAH about his schedule (after more than a month of asking) and we are jumping on it.
It's been 1 1/2 years since he asked me in an email for a divorce (I had gone mostly no contact except by email so that I could track our conversations). He then filed the paperwork, I got a lawyer, responded to said paperwork, sent him some more paperwork,... And there we remained... For about 9 months. And, then we waited some more...
So, all this to say that I'm not surprised really by the timing of this mediation. I've had lots of time to over-react, panic, calm down, detach, prepare, and then wait. I am loads better at staying calm about this than I was a year ago. I was afraid I would have to be in the same room and listen to all his BS comments, and I really didn't think I could handle that. Luckily, I live in a different state now, and I get a pass on even having to be there in person. My lawyer will be there (and she is quite awesome!) and she says she can call me when something happens.
So, great. Something is finally happening. How does this affect my life now? The reality is, not a lot, other than I'll finally get to start the paperwork to change my name back so that i can stop feeling schizophrenic about it and people can stop being so confused over who I am. Yeah! I'm also expecting I will get some of his retirement, which is good because I don't really have any right now. What else am I expecting? Truthfully, I'm expecting a lot of BS, a lot of hard lining, and to come away with something less than I think is fair. I'm hoping I can come away with custody of my kitty, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. In fact, I'm trying to keep my expectations to a bare minimum and continue to practice detachment. My life will not be significantly altered by whatever decisions could come out of next week. I have spent over a year making sure that I am financially stable and independent from him and his BS (yes, I realize I've said BS three times already. And, yes, I am still angry with him).
The problem is, I'm putting up a show of detachment. As long as he does not infiltrate my life in any form, I'm great. But, any news I hear about him throws me into a spin. Granted, it's a weaker spin than I would have done a year ago, but I still get unproductive and mopey. That's where I am now... A bit mopey and trying to talk my way out of it. Really, Fathom. What do you even care about this meeting next week? It's just another unpleasant business meeting. Nothing to look forward to, but also nothing to get anxious over. So, why did I wake up this morning with my heart pounding?
Thanks for being here.
Fathom
It's been a while since I've written anything, but I've been stopping by more frequently lately (so this is going to be a bit long). I think I could sense a future need despite the seeming lull. My lawyer emailed me yesterday to ask if I could fit a mediation date into my schedule next Friday because we finally heard from my STBXAH about his schedule (after more than a month of asking) and we are jumping on it.
It's been 1 1/2 years since he asked me in an email for a divorce (I had gone mostly no contact except by email so that I could track our conversations). He then filed the paperwork, I got a lawyer, responded to said paperwork, sent him some more paperwork,... And there we remained... For about 9 months. And, then we waited some more...
So, all this to say that I'm not surprised really by the timing of this mediation. I've had lots of time to over-react, panic, calm down, detach, prepare, and then wait. I am loads better at staying calm about this than I was a year ago. I was afraid I would have to be in the same room and listen to all his BS comments, and I really didn't think I could handle that. Luckily, I live in a different state now, and I get a pass on even having to be there in person. My lawyer will be there (and she is quite awesome!) and she says she can call me when something happens.
So, great. Something is finally happening. How does this affect my life now? The reality is, not a lot, other than I'll finally get to start the paperwork to change my name back so that i can stop feeling schizophrenic about it and people can stop being so confused over who I am. Yeah! I'm also expecting I will get some of his retirement, which is good because I don't really have any right now. What else am I expecting? Truthfully, I'm expecting a lot of BS, a lot of hard lining, and to come away with something less than I think is fair. I'm hoping I can come away with custody of my kitty, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. In fact, I'm trying to keep my expectations to a bare minimum and continue to practice detachment. My life will not be significantly altered by whatever decisions could come out of next week. I have spent over a year making sure that I am financially stable and independent from him and his BS (yes, I realize I've said BS three times already. And, yes, I am still angry with him).
The problem is, I'm putting up a show of detachment. As long as he does not infiltrate my life in any form, I'm great. But, any news I hear about him throws me into a spin. Granted, it's a weaker spin than I would have done a year ago, but I still get unproductive and mopey. That's where I am now... A bit mopey and trying to talk my way out of it. Really, Fathom. What do you even care about this meeting next week? It's just another unpleasant business meeting. Nothing to look forward to, but also nothing to get anxious over. So, why did I wake up this morning with my heart pounding?
Thanks for being here.
Fathom
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Dandylion, Thanks for your encouragement. 
I think there's something else going on with me though that I'm trying to put my finger on. This response of being "unproductive and mopey" troubles me. Why can he still have an emotional impact on me without actually even trying? It's not like I got an email directly from him to provoke me.
Here's an example... A couple of weeks ago, my attorney told me that we couldn't get my STBXAH's schedule because he was "out of the country." Now, I recognize she just gave me more info than I needed, but I really should be able to take that piece of intel and just detach from it. Why do I care if he's out of the country? It took so much energy just to let that go. I was worried about the kitty... Is he sailing the boat again out of the country with the kitty on board? If not, who is taking care of the kitty? Is he sober yet? And, really, I was just jealous that he was traveling and mad that he's doing any big traveling when he claims he still owes his parents money. Hey! Not my business! But, I'm still angry at him over so much stuff, that I find any little excuse brings it all up again.
And, here's the bad part... my solution is to hide. I isolate away from my friends and family, hole up in my house with the blinds closed, where it's "safe" from any possible negative interactions with people who remind me of my STBXAH. I stay there until I feel more fortified, or until I have to leave (like to go to work or something). If someone tries to interrupt this time when I try to pretend the outside world doesn't exist, it just gets worse.
Now, if I react this way over just a little bit of info on his current whereabouts, how am I going to react to the mediation on Friday when his world will actually have a little bit of influence over mine? I'm hoping that the end of the mediation process will give me a chance to move forward and have no more reason to hear about him. But, I think this might just be my way of not dealing with him or the thought of him. I obviously still have a lot of emotion invested in him. How do you get rid of that???
Fathom
I think there's something else going on with me though that I'm trying to put my finger on. This response of being "unproductive and mopey" troubles me. Why can he still have an emotional impact on me without actually even trying? It's not like I got an email directly from him to provoke me.
Here's an example... A couple of weeks ago, my attorney told me that we couldn't get my STBXAH's schedule because he was "out of the country." Now, I recognize she just gave me more info than I needed, but I really should be able to take that piece of intel and just detach from it. Why do I care if he's out of the country? It took so much energy just to let that go. I was worried about the kitty... Is he sailing the boat again out of the country with the kitty on board? If not, who is taking care of the kitty? Is he sober yet? And, really, I was just jealous that he was traveling and mad that he's doing any big traveling when he claims he still owes his parents money. Hey! Not my business! But, I'm still angry at him over so much stuff, that I find any little excuse brings it all up again.
And, here's the bad part... my solution is to hide. I isolate away from my friends and family, hole up in my house with the blinds closed, where it's "safe" from any possible negative interactions with people who remind me of my STBXAH. I stay there until I feel more fortified, or until I have to leave (like to go to work or something). If someone tries to interrupt this time when I try to pretend the outside world doesn't exist, it just gets worse.
Now, if I react this way over just a little bit of info on his current whereabouts, how am I going to react to the mediation on Friday when his world will actually have a little bit of influence over mine? I'm hoping that the end of the mediation process will give me a chance to move forward and have no more reason to hear about him. But, I think this might just be my way of not dealing with him or the thought of him. I obviously still have a lot of emotion invested in him. How do you get rid of that???
Fathom
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You don't get rid of emotions - you work through them. Face them, and deal with them.
It's ok to still have emotions! It's ok to feel anxious, worried, curious, and all else...
How you choose to deal with your emotions is what matters. Have you considered some personal therapy to work through this? Or even finding a sponsor and working through the steps in Al-Anon can be helpful (and that is free!).
It's ok to still have emotions! It's ok to feel anxious, worried, curious, and all else...
How you choose to deal with your emotions is what matters. Have you considered some personal therapy to work through this? Or even finding a sponsor and working through the steps in Al-Anon can be helpful (and that is free!).
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Hi Fathom,
I just want to say that I can relate to those unwanted emotions and conditioned responses. My XA takes or kid on adventures that I would have liked to go on as a family, or that i would like to do with my son. I feel jealous. I also have this impish desire for my ex to fail and feel miserable until I'm completely over him. Wish I didn't feel these ways, but I do. :/
I just want to say that I can relate to those unwanted emotions and conditioned responses. My XA takes or kid on adventures that I would have liked to go on as a family, or that i would like to do with my son. I feel jealous. I also have this impish desire for my ex to fail and feel miserable until I'm completely over him. Wish I didn't feel these ways, but I do. :/
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
You don't get rid of emotions - you work through them. Face them, and deal with them.
I've been thinking about my emotions and my reactions a lot this weekend. I actually haven't been as unproductive as I would have been last year. I missed my yoga class yesterday morning and I have no intention of leaving my house or opening the blinds. But, I have been active inside (not just inside my brain). I have been putting up fruits and veggies for the winter, cleaning and fixing things in the house, and I even changed my hair color with some new henna yesterday (great for when you need an excuse for staying at home with the blinds shut for hours. LOL).
I need to acknowledge and give myself props for this improved response. Last year, I would have been sleeping all day. Or, maybe watching hours of tv drama. Is there room for more improvement? Yes! Am I impatient for these feelings to be not so overwhelming? Yes! Is it okay? Yup. I'm okay and I'm doing better all the time.
I have a friend who said she would go out with me during the evening after my mediation because she said it was helpful to not be holed up at home with those emotions. I want to think I would be up for some time with friends and I want to stop isolating when I get emotional. But, I suspect I might be drained of energy. Any thoughts?
Thanks again for all your kindness and honesty.
Love you guys!
Fathom
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I think its also OK to isolate sometimes...as long as you are taking care of yourself in the process. I am an introvert. I like a lot of alone time. Is that dysfunctional? No. Its just me. I like who I am, and it works for me. Would it be unusual for an extrovert? Yes. They would hate my life!
Fathom, you are doing just fine. Grief and healing take time. I still have moments, and I've been no contact for a while. Divorced for over a year. It just takes time. :-)
Fathom, you are doing just fine. Grief and healing take time. I still have moments, and I've been no contact for a while. Divorced for over a year. It just takes time. :-)
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Location: UK
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I think you are doing great, progressing, feeling your feelings, going through them, hibernating could be giving you the space to do that - it's hard to fit it in if life is one big whirl of fun and socialising .
from my perspective - it does get better, I used to be in a spin about every tidbit of info, and I am truly detached from most of it now. e.g. ex sent me a text that very clearly was mean't for someone other than me, with kisses on it. My only feeling was "whoops!" and a brief chuckle. Later I got an instruction to ignore that text as it wasn't meant for me (my reaction was a brief, "you don't say!" internally) and later a diatribe of verbal abuse because I was 8 mins late dropping the kids off (my only thought "now that's definitely meant for me!" with a small chuckle), no spinning, no wondering or future tripping, no impact on my day, but it took time and going through it all to get there, and it takes as long as it takes however frustrating that is!
Doesn't mean you are losing your humanity but it does stop impacting your feelings and thoughts.
.from my perspective - it does get better, I used to be in a spin about every tidbit of info, and I am truly detached from most of it now. e.g. ex sent me a text that very clearly was mean't for someone other than me, with kisses on it. My only feeling was "whoops!" and a brief chuckle. Later I got an instruction to ignore that text as it wasn't meant for me (my reaction was a brief, "you don't say!" internally) and later a diatribe of verbal abuse because I was 8 mins late dropping the kids off (my only thought "now that's definitely meant for me!" with a small chuckle), no spinning, no wondering or future tripping, no impact on my day, but it took time and going through it all to get there, and it takes as long as it takes however frustrating that is!
Doesn't mean you are losing your humanity but it does stop impacting your feelings and thoughts.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I sympathize with you.
Looks like I may go to a roundtable meeting & then mediation & I've been separated for 61/2 years.
I don't think it helps when they drag things out.
I was over most of the BS (& I love that you mentioned that several times cause that's exactly what it is) & now I'm right back in the middle of it.
As I go through this process I realise I am getting stronger all the time & although I am very frightened of the meetings I must face with XH I now must look at it as the end of the BS & a time to truly move on.
Hope that makes sense.
Be gentle on yourself, if you feel like being alone then be alone etc, don't worry about the "norm" because everybody is different in the way they deal with BS.
Big hugs.
Looks like I may go to a roundtable meeting & then mediation & I've been separated for 61/2 years.
I don't think it helps when they drag things out.
I was over most of the BS (& I love that you mentioned that several times cause that's exactly what it is) & now I'm right back in the middle of it.
As I go through this process I realise I am getting stronger all the time & although I am very frightened of the meetings I must face with XH I now must look at it as the end of the BS & a time to truly move on.
Hope that makes sense.
Be gentle on yourself, if you feel like being alone then be alone etc, don't worry about the "norm" because everybody is different in the way they deal with BS.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Oh, you guys make me chuckle. 
Thanks for the reminders...
1). It's okay to like being alone sometimes
2). It's okay to take your time
3). It's okay to call BS
I'm feeling more at ease today with myself and I'm hopeful that Friday will bring some resolution. And, I'm hoping that my good attitude will last me through the end of Friday...
Rosiepetal, I can't imagine this being dragged on for any more months let alone years! Egad! I'm crossing my fingers that you can be done with BS soon too!
Peace,
Fathom
Thanks for the reminders...
1). It's okay to like being alone sometimes
2). It's okay to take your time
3). It's okay to call BS
I'm feeling more at ease today with myself and I'm hopeful that Friday will bring some resolution. And, I'm hoping that my good attitude will last me through the end of Friday...
Rosiepetal, I can't imagine this being dragged on for any more months let alone years! Egad! I'm crossing my fingers that you can be done with BS soon too!
Peace,
Fathom
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Today is the day of our mediation. I say that as though I know it will only take one day. I'm trying not to think about the possibility that it could take more than a day, or even the 4 hours we've allotted. Geez!
I went to see my therapist on Wednesday for the first time in months and she was quite impressed with my "ease". At the end of the session, she seemed like she didn't have any suggestions for when we should see each other again because I have been progressing so well on my own. I made an appt for next week. I know I'm gonna need to talk about whatever happens today.
Anyway, just thought I'd come on here and ask for your happy thoughts today. That darned "conditioned physiological response" is doing a jumping jacks warmup right about now...
Thanks again for being here!
Fathom
I went to see my therapist on Wednesday for the first time in months and she was quite impressed with my "ease". At the end of the session, she seemed like she didn't have any suggestions for when we should see each other again because I have been progressing so well on my own. I made an appt for next week. I know I'm gonna need to talk about whatever happens today.
Anyway, just thought I'd come on here and ask for your happy thoughts today. That darned "conditioned physiological response" is doing a jumping jacks warmup right about now...
Thanks again for being here!
Fathom
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Well, it's done. I didn't get everything I wanted (he gets to keep the kitty!), but we reached a settlement relatively quickly I guess. And, now I can move forward with the last name change of my life! (That's actually been one of the most annoying parts about his dragging his feet on this. He's been holding my name hostage this whole time.)
So, yup. I guess I'll go take a shower and brush my teeth now... Can't believe I haven't done that yet. I guess I've been distracted.
Fathom
So, yup. I guess I'll go take a shower and brush my teeth now... Can't believe I haven't done that yet. I guess I've been distracted.
Fathom
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Hi friends!
I'm in a much better mood now and ready to share a bit more. Just got back from going out with a good friend of mine. We went to my favorite local restaurant which is all comfort food and warm welcoming community. I am just so grateful for my life right now which is full of love and support. I actually had a lot of people contacting me today, just out of the blue, asking me how I was doing even though I hadn't said anything to them about the upcoming mediation. I think the universe was sharing my energy around to the people I needed today. Thank you HP!
Also, looking back on the discussions today, I think I handled myself pretty well. I was very clear about what I would find acceptable and I refused to be offended by their ridiculous arguments. I just clearly responded "no, that isn't acceptable to me. But maybe we can use this as a starting point for discussion." I also told the mediator that I was unsympathetic to his argument that he is "so much older and that's why he needs more of his retirement money (60% instead of 50%). Plus there is so much age discrimination in hiring even though there shouldn't be... Etc". She told me a judge might be sympathetic to that argument, but I just wasn't swayed, and I won't feel guilty for requiring my half out of this process. I got it, and I did it by calmly sticking with my position and explaining my bottom line. I told my attorney, "I don't care how it'll be distributed or justified in their minds, but figure out a way that I get $X, bottom line." Ten minutes later, they had accepted our counter proposal. Done!
All i can say is recovery feels great! During this last year, I had been preparing my documents and logical arguments for why I thought I should get $X from the divorce. I was all caught up in the nitty gritty details and driving myself mad with it. And, in the end, I learned it isn't really about logical arguments when dealing with my A. It never has been, of course. It is about what I'm willing to accept, bottom line. I'm just so surprised with myself that it could be so clear to me where that line was. This acceptable... This is not. This is not ambiguous at all.
Thank you SR friends for helping me get to this place in my life!
Fathom
I'm in a much better mood now and ready to share a bit more. Just got back from going out with a good friend of mine. We went to my favorite local restaurant which is all comfort food and warm welcoming community. I am just so grateful for my life right now which is full of love and support. I actually had a lot of people contacting me today, just out of the blue, asking me how I was doing even though I hadn't said anything to them about the upcoming mediation. I think the universe was sharing my energy around to the people I needed today. Thank you HP!
Also, looking back on the discussions today, I think I handled myself pretty well. I was very clear about what I would find acceptable and I refused to be offended by their ridiculous arguments. I just clearly responded "no, that isn't acceptable to me. But maybe we can use this as a starting point for discussion." I also told the mediator that I was unsympathetic to his argument that he is "so much older and that's why he needs more of his retirement money (60% instead of 50%). Plus there is so much age discrimination in hiring even though there shouldn't be... Etc". She told me a judge might be sympathetic to that argument, but I just wasn't swayed, and I won't feel guilty for requiring my half out of this process. I got it, and I did it by calmly sticking with my position and explaining my bottom line. I told my attorney, "I don't care how it'll be distributed or justified in their minds, but figure out a way that I get $X, bottom line." Ten minutes later, they had accepted our counter proposal. Done!
All i can say is recovery feels great! During this last year, I had been preparing my documents and logical arguments for why I thought I should get $X from the divorce. I was all caught up in the nitty gritty details and driving myself mad with it. And, in the end, I learned it isn't really about logical arguments when dealing with my A. It never has been, of course. It is about what I'm willing to accept, bottom line. I'm just so surprised with myself that it could be so clear to me where that line was. This acceptable... This is not. This is not ambiguous at all.
Thank you SR friends for helping me get to this place in my life!
Fathom
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well done! So happy for you to have come through that process unscathed, with dignity firmly intact.Take your name back, go to the shelter and give a wonderful homeless cat a new home (if you want another pet) and enjoy your freedom!
Peace to you today,
~T
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