mixed bag of emotions
 

IHi this is my first post, apology as sure there are many similar - I guess I need to vent. I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 14 months which is not long but long enough to make me want to find support and vent! Brief history - have k5 year old daughter from ex husband who I still am on quite good terms with. Boyfriend has 2 girls similar age to my girl and get on well. We're not living together but he has stayed here a couple weeks then gone back his and recently stayed here to do home detox. He drank straight after detox as went back his despite Dr, support worker and myself advising him to stay at mine a little longer. He is goin to see a cognitive behaviour therapist who I am unsure if is aware he is drinking. Things came to a head yesterday as my boyfriend has avoided spending time with me at all for a week now as he is (still) :-/ working on a project - this is true but he is dragging out how long it's taking him as he is drinking again. He has never been physically abusive or nasty with words yet the emotional neglect iv felt and still am is awful. Plus he tries to twist things so it's always my choice he doesn't come over etc. Yesterday I caught him out big style about not wanting to see me and have had enough. I called time excuse the pun) on the relationship, informed his mother who I get on well with and feel a mixture of relief, regret, sadness, elation yet still worry he will do more harm and I wonder if I should or could have been more patient or understanding around the recent relapse? Any comments or advice welcome. Ps I didn't realise he was an alcoholic (functioning) until 5 months into relationship
Thanks all :-)

Hi Befuddled, sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure others will answer you with much more experience and wisdom than me, but what stood out for me in your post was that your boyfriend is nowhere near ready to get sober. He is doing everything he can to be on his own so he can drink, as I'm sure you've worked out for yourself.
I think you've done the right thing by stepping away as you can't force him to stop and you have no future with him until he does. He's in the grip of something he can't control at the moment and you're not on his radar.
I know it must be painful, especially with the children involved, but I think you're strong and wise to leave this early in your relationship.

Feeling great - thanks for response, it's such a good feeling to have somewhere to talk about all this. I thought I was goin mad with his lies twisting story's etc but now realise that it's unfortunately part and parcel of bein with an alcoholic. I'm lucky I'm quite stubborn at times and have realised this is pointless carrying on - I just hope he acts soon as Dr says bloods 2nd worse he ever seen and transplant or death is next if he continues at the rate he is.

Hello befuddled, and Welcome to SR!

Your story is very familiar to us, but it is your story and you are welcome to share it here.

One thing I have learned is that an alcoholic will not change unless and until he (or she) is ready to do so themselves. If you had stayed with him, his behavior would likely have been more of the same.

There is a lot of great information at the top of this forum page (called stickies). I hope you will take a few minutes here and there to read through those--learning about alcoholism really helps even if a relationship has ended.

Welcome, again! Sorry for the reason, but I am glad you found us.

Thank you for welcome - I will read stickies and have also been researching alcoholism too and it has helped somewhat. What I don't understand is why he chose to go Dr in first place if he wasn't ready? Surely his demon as I call it would have not let h
im?

Good for you for stepping back, befuddled. Welcome to the forum. I've found a lot of strength and support here and I know you will too. Take care of yourself and your family.

Welcome! And good for you, for being stubborn. I wish to God I had been more stubborn over the years, I might have stood up to the insanity long ago. I admire your strength and I think you did the right thing. :)

Thank you, at the moment I'm on adrenaline but also worn out by it all - I'm just pleased to realise it's not me going insane and there are others feeling the same. feel so sorry for his mum as I think she will take it all on her shoulders now, his dad just shows anger and disdain. I assume he has to hit his bottom before he considers coming to the surface again!

Woken to a txt from him blaming me for his mum worrying and his dad angry and if really annoyed at me!Iv responded calmly reiterating the reason I left and that people's reactions were in response to his actions.

befuddled, welcome to SR! As you already know, a lot of us here are or have been in your shoes. This forum is a great place to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency as well as find support for yourself in your recovery and continued growth.

Can I suggest Alanon? It's another great resource, and many of us here use both SR and Alanon for the strengths of each. Here's a link to help you find an Alanon meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Many meetings do offer child care, if that's an issue for you.

I hope you can take some time daily to work your way thru the stickies at the top of the page as well as look at the ongoing and new threads in the rest of the forum. For me, one of the biggest eye-openers when I first came here was that I was not alone. All these people had similar problems...

Again, welcome, and I hope to see you posting here regularly!

I'm sorry this happened to you, but happy you had some clarity and decided to leave the relationship. I've seen it and said it alot: when someone shows you who they are...believe them! He is an alcoholic who is not ready to stop. You can't change that, it's his decision.

You have a child to protect. You have your own serenity to protect. It's only been 14 months. You now see what's ahead of you stay in the relationship, easier to get out now than in 5 years.

I would suggest that you go no contact at this point. He will continue to call/text etc, he will try his best to keep you engaged. I also wouldn't discuss this with his parents any further. Honestly, it's not your place to talk to his folks about it. So at this point, you made your decision, let it go and move on from this guy.

Honeypig and recovering2 thanks for welcome, I actually checked out alanon medium times yesterday and 2 are on my work days the other 2 at a time when putting daughter to bed but my work days are changing next month so hopeful I can attend then although it seems scary to me. I feel somewhat of a. Of a 'wimp' after just 14 months together and feeling this way and take my hat off to anyone who has one who has lasted longer or still with someone who is an alcoholic. You're right I had an arsey bellowing phone call from him n vicious txts- just makes me more determined to stay away as reaffirms my decision. Regarding his mother I feel sorry for her and we always got along well - he's 2 other children live in different cities, her husband just shows anger and she hasn't told any of her friend's as she is ashamedsn I'm probably the only person she can talk to? I'm not ready to cut a link from her yet, what do others feel about that?

befuddled, you are smart to get out early! Why would you be a "wimp" for choosing a healthy life for you and your daughter? He will not get sober until he is good and ready. You can't "help" him. So all that you accomplish by hanging around an active A is to get lied to at the very least and to suffer financial loss and physical/emotional abuse in worse cases.

As far as being friends with his mother, perhaps she would be interested in going to Alanon also? It might be a great way for both of you to avoid being manipulated by the A in the days to come.

I sure do hope you can make it to a meeting sooner rather than later, but as I said in my earlier post, if you can devote some time to reading here daily and perhaps get started on some of the books mentioned in the stickies at the top of the page, that will almost certainly be of some help to you right now.

Don't let him pull you back in.

Honeypig, thanks for your advice - I think I will forward the link to his mother for alanon and say I'm thinking of goin you're welcome to join me. I guess I feel a wimp on here ar everyone else seems to have had much longer relationships, but I guess if I'm feeling this bad after a relatively short one it must have been more Hellish than I realised at first. I'm determined not to get drawn back in - I started to read about effect of alcoholic on children and lookin at my daughter I couldn't put her through that - easier I suppose as she is not his cut my ex husbands daughter so not the same attachment. Each time I feel a bit weak il pop on here and read a thread and it will strengthen me again.

Update

Xabf brother rang me earlier to say he has agreed to go into a 90 day residential rehab centre.
His brother asked me to contact and check in with x occasionally as he needs all the friend's he can get at the moment. Now I feel confused as could this be him really goin to try again or just a 'say yes to get brotheroff my back'. My x did admit to bein an alcoholic and said he needed to stop drinking but the recent immediate relapse after home detox and have me thinking in all directions?

Update

Well I'm afraid to say Iv been sucked in again - weak I know. Was so confused last week from my above post and here I am now. I met him for coffee after an almost plead from his brother and the day after he took me and daughter out for lunch. He has opened up unprompted a few times in the past week and apologised for making me feel bad. He also said his drinking is nothing to do with my actions its his problem. I'm very wary and have told him some expectations and what il do if not met. He wants to go rehab and has attended first aa meeting. However I felt he lied about goin to therapist today and he admitted to me he lied without me asking which is a first!! It's very early days and I feel Iv detached somewhat for example today he wanted me to attend family function (kids so no alcohol) but I was disappointed he lied so sent txt saying thanks 4 admitting you lied I appreciate it but I'm not coming whereas usually I would just to have time together.
Anyway pls don't judge too harshly I have been ashamed and afraid to admit this but am hoping I will get advice support or other
Thanks

Hi befuddled,
Oh my gosh, I for one, could never, would never, judge you. I took back my xabf more times than I can count - each time he was sober for a while, remorseful, promising to get help, pledging his love for me and my daughters, and on and on and on.

This went on for 3 years.

I haven't seen him for almost 3 months. But we are still in contact. I feel weak sometimes, too, even though all we do is occasionally text, or talk on the phone.

He sounds a bit like my A - admitting his problem, doing some half-assed work to change it (maybe to keep me off his back), but always the demon wins. So far.

The lies are a deeply embedded part of the psyche of an active alcoholic. They couldn't face themselves, or anyone else each day without a good bunch of them ready to go.

It's an awful affliction, befuddled. And I am ashamed to admit that my daughters' well-being and what I model for them was a primary motivator in me breaking it off. I can see the benefits to me, too, but I am much more wobbly in that regard.

I wish you well.
Spider

I'm so glad you made that healthy decision for yourself not to attend that function. Drinker or not a drinker, lying is a sure sign of chaos, confusion, heartache, pain...the list goes on and on.
He's made a few small attempts to treat you with a bit of respect. But until his lying days are far far behind him, you're doing the right thing to keep that distance...to keep yourself from experiencing that chaos, confusion, heartache, and pain...
there's nothing to judge you harshly for here. Good decision! :)

Hi befuddled...we say progress, not perfection. No judgement here - each person has to do what is the right thing for them in their individual situation. Even the seemingly small steps (not going to the function) add up to big changes.

Have you made it to an AlAnon meeting yet? That will help keep your focus on yourself and your daughter. Also, a great read is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm on my second read through - completely enlightening!

Thank you for kind supportive words, Iv been too ashamed and worried to post in case I got harsh feedback. Feel a sense of relief in being able to post again and get others perspective on things. Thankyou. Iv been unable to attend alanon yet as my work days are same as 2 of meetings and times of other 2 are when daughter getting ready for bed. Towards end of this month however my days alter slightly so will try to pluck up courage then and attend. Iv been reading the stickies non stop and gained a vast insight from those. Iv also been invited to attend his therapy session but declined as surely it's for him? I'm due to see him tomorrow evening, thinking I won't bring up the lie and admittance unless he does as that's 'done and dusted' as far as I see now - he lied, admitted he did and I stayed away. I must admit I felt a mixture of nervousness, euphoria and sadness when I said I wasn't goin - not used to doin it I suppose? Thanks again people :You_Rock_