Here he comes with his crap
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Here he comes with his crap
My AH is hundreds of miles away for work. They work longer days Monday-Thursday, and then only work for half a day on Friday.
He has clearly been drinking all day, and is totally wasted. He just called me, and when I was not apparently giving him my undivided attention (I am making dinner for, and tending to, three children), he started to yell and cuss at me. I said calmly "please do not talk to me that way." He did it again, so I said "stop it" very firmly, and hung up.
Usually he starts blowing up my phone right away. Mercifully, he has not called or texted since I hung up on him.
I am writing this for myself, to remember:
1. He is hundreds of miles away right now, and cannot possibly confront me physically, threaten me, or intimidate me. I am safe, and the kids are safe. The worst that can happen right now is that he will decide to blow up my phone and leave me a million nasty texts and voice mails, which I can easily just ignore.
2. My long-term exit plan is in place, and I can detach from this crap for six more months while I save money for a new place. In the event he totally flips out on me while he's here (he usually comes for one weekend every 5 weeks or so), I have an emergency plan in place. I am not helpless, and my situation is not hopeless.
3. As he has progressed in his illness, the abuse that comes out of his mouth has gone from hurtful to utterly absurd. That has made it MUCH easier to just see "sick sick sick" flashing on his forehead when he starts his crap.
4. I am worth more than this. My children are worth more than this. I have made the decision to leave, and am ready to do so at a moment's notice, even if I do not have the money saved to do so.
5. There are places I can go (here!), and people I can email/text/call when things like this happen, so I can break out of my old codie habits and detach. Three years ago it would have been ME blowing up HIS phone, practically begging for the drama. Look how far I've come!
The rush of adrenalaine that comes when he starts this stuff is already starting to ease up. Six months ago, when we were in the worst of his emotional abuse before he left, I would have been crippled by the adrenalaine rush for HOURS, if not days. Tonight...it had eased up after about 15 minutes.
He has clearly been drinking all day, and is totally wasted. He just called me, and when I was not apparently giving him my undivided attention (I am making dinner for, and tending to, three children), he started to yell and cuss at me. I said calmly "please do not talk to me that way." He did it again, so I said "stop it" very firmly, and hung up.
Usually he starts blowing up my phone right away. Mercifully, he has not called or texted since I hung up on him.
I am writing this for myself, to remember:
1. He is hundreds of miles away right now, and cannot possibly confront me physically, threaten me, or intimidate me. I am safe, and the kids are safe. The worst that can happen right now is that he will decide to blow up my phone and leave me a million nasty texts and voice mails, which I can easily just ignore.
2. My long-term exit plan is in place, and I can detach from this crap for six more months while I save money for a new place. In the event he totally flips out on me while he's here (he usually comes for one weekend every 5 weeks or so), I have an emergency plan in place. I am not helpless, and my situation is not hopeless.
3. As he has progressed in his illness, the abuse that comes out of his mouth has gone from hurtful to utterly absurd. That has made it MUCH easier to just see "sick sick sick" flashing on his forehead when he starts his crap.
4. I am worth more than this. My children are worth more than this. I have made the decision to leave, and am ready to do so at a moment's notice, even if I do not have the money saved to do so.
5. There are places I can go (here!), and people I can email/text/call when things like this happen, so I can break out of my old codie habits and detach. Three years ago it would have been ME blowing up HIS phone, practically begging for the drama. Look how far I've come!
The rush of adrenalaine that comes when he starts this stuff is already starting to ease up. Six months ago, when we were in the worst of his emotional abuse before he left, I would have been crippled by the adrenalaine rush for HOURS, if not days. Tonight...it had eased up after about 15 minutes.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Excellent post.
If my experience is any indication with regard to his behavior - it wont be six months. My ah's "progression" at this point was very rapid and it wasnt pretty (not that any of them are). Glad you are prepared. At least you have the distance in your favor.
Stay safe.
If my experience is any indication with regard to his behavior - it wont be six months. My ah's "progression" at this point was very rapid and it wasnt pretty (not that any of them are). Glad you are prepared. At least you have the distance in your favor.
Stay safe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by Lyssy 
Excellent post.
If my experience is any indication with regard to his behavior - it wont be six months. My ah's "progression" at this point was very rapid and it wasnt pretty (not that any of them are). Glad you are prepared. At least you have the distance in your favor.
Stay safe.
If my experience is any indication with regard to his behavior - it wont be six months. My ah's "progression" at this point was very rapid and it wasnt pretty (not that any of them are). Glad you are prepared. At least you have the distance in your favor.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
I am experiencing a similar situation. Although I have left, phone & texts come at night after the liquid courage is on board. I silence my phone and try to ignore, but it does start to cause a bit of anxiety and fear.
Thank you for this post. What a great idea to have a list to remind one's self to keep calm. Working on my own list right now.
Thank you for this post. What a great idea to have a list to remind one's self to keep calm. Working on my own list right now.
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