From No Contact to Constant Contact
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
From No Contact to Constant Contact
Still trying to put food on the table for my kiddos. How does someone who earns half a million dollars in 18 months not have enough money to feed their children?
I've been to social service agencies all over the place but I'm backed against a wall, as they tell me. Because if I accept public aid then our residency in this country is threatened. I am going to get a job but it is so hard to concentrate when I don't know from day to day how we are going to survive! This battle to pay the rent and grocery bills has been going on since the legal separation last February and I am tired to the bone.
So I have resorted during this time when child support (which isn't enough for food and rent anyway) hasn't come through yet (taking a long time because DOR doesn't deal with matters abroad and and banks here don't like American checks, long story) to asking STBXAH for money to feed the children. He says he has been advised by his lawyers and financial advisors that he can't afford to pay any more than the current temporary orders dictate (20% of his income for us 5 people).
So he has money to pay for lawyers, financial advisors, live in a six bedroom house, work and travel all over the world through the course of the year. But he doesn't have enough money to feed his children.
Right.
I also write several times a week asking him for money for school books, pants for our child who has grown out of his, shoes for the youngest who had none, medicine - you name it. He usually sends something, maybe half of what I ask him for.
Earlier this month he committed in writing to paying for our children's lessons and their phone bills. Which would be great! So I enrolled them. But come time to pay the bill and, you got it. He says he can't but he'll send two hundred, if that's okay? (when we owe fifteen hundred, for example).
I am sending him email after email. Why? Because otherwise until I earn some income I have no other resort.
But also. Here we are against the brick wall. I want to know what I am dealing with. I want to see that if there really really is no other resort (which at this point there isn't) will he really won't send us money for food? Part of me is wondering, if we can't pay the rent, will he sit back and let them evict us while he hangs back in our six bedroom house in the U.S. and sips another glass of wine?
Then as our backs are to the wall, this is what he writes last night. It makes me laugh. What the heck am I laughing about? He writes that he is upset because in order to see the children he has to rent a place to stay. He wants to stay in my/the children's apartment (where he can't enter because of the restraining order - because he came after me, blocked the exit and threatened to harm/kill me while the children were screaming in fright).
Furthermore, he writes that I caused us massive legal fees because I filed for a legal separation last February. Well, the separation and an amiable divorce to follow would have cost a few thousand dollars. But because he fought for(and won) U.S. jurisdiction of the case, that added an additional 50,000 to the legal fee tab.
Additionally, he implies that I separated from him because my lawyer convinced me that I would divorce and be financially well off, and the entire family is now suffering from the subsequent financial hardship because of my mistaken "get-rich-quick scheme".
He then asks to actually celebrate our daughter's upcoming birthday with the children and I in our apartment! He doesn't think it is fair that he has to pay for expenses and doesn't get to share in family occasions any more.
The judge is going to meet with the children next week. We were unable to come up with a therapist that was willing to evaluate the children and give the judge documentation regarding the children's status regarding all of this. So the judge himself will sit in his private office with them and hear what they have to say about how things are going.
The children will say "Dad isn't giving us enough money to live". They are going to say it is confusing because Dad says he can't afford to give us any more than he does but Mom says he can. My oldest will say he is giving up on his father and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. They will probably say that they have seen evidence of their father's alcoholism.
Otherwise, I don't know what they are going to say exactly. It is awful that they are being put in this situation, but my youngest (age 6) is actually looking forward to it! She says she wants to know what the judge looks like.
Lastly, STBXAH asks me not to say bad things to the children about him. He says it isn't fair because I am always with him and he generously gave me sole custody (the judge awarded me sole custody because that's usually what they do in this country plus the evidence demonstrates he is an abusive alcoholic).
No contact would say that I ignore this entire letter and go on with my day.
Part of me thinks the window has a tiny almost imperceptible crack in it and I might whisper something inside. As in rebut this offensive nonsense.
Pure folly?
And part of me thinks that I should go back to those wonderful days of no contact. Bliss bliss bliss. But I used to communicate through the lawyers and I am going to have to let them go since I can't pay them anymore.
Maybe I should go no contact anyway. Announce it ahead of time and get on with my job search. If we starve, well, we have food enough for a little while yet.
So that was a very long post. Thank you, thank you if you got all this way with me!
Here are my questions in a nutshell:
1. What do you think of STBXAH's letter? Quackery?
2. What, if anything, do I do to prepare the children for their visit with the judge?
3. Should I rebut his crazy letter?
4. Should I give up contact altogether? (Will the judge even allow this?)
5. Is STBXAH utterly mad?
for being there dear people.
I've been to social service agencies all over the place but I'm backed against a wall, as they tell me. Because if I accept public aid then our residency in this country is threatened. I am going to get a job but it is so hard to concentrate when I don't know from day to day how we are going to survive! This battle to pay the rent and grocery bills has been going on since the legal separation last February and I am tired to the bone.
So I have resorted during this time when child support (which isn't enough for food and rent anyway) hasn't come through yet (taking a long time because DOR doesn't deal with matters abroad and and banks here don't like American checks, long story) to asking STBXAH for money to feed the children. He says he has been advised by his lawyers and financial advisors that he can't afford to pay any more than the current temporary orders dictate (20% of his income for us 5 people).
So he has money to pay for lawyers, financial advisors, live in a six bedroom house, work and travel all over the world through the course of the year. But he doesn't have enough money to feed his children.
Right.
I also write several times a week asking him for money for school books, pants for our child who has grown out of his, shoes for the youngest who had none, medicine - you name it. He usually sends something, maybe half of what I ask him for.
Earlier this month he committed in writing to paying for our children's lessons and their phone bills. Which would be great! So I enrolled them. But come time to pay the bill and, you got it. He says he can't but he'll send two hundred, if that's okay? (when we owe fifteen hundred, for example).
I am sending him email after email. Why? Because otherwise until I earn some income I have no other resort.
But also. Here we are against the brick wall. I want to know what I am dealing with. I want to see that if there really really is no other resort (which at this point there isn't) will he really won't send us money for food? Part of me is wondering, if we can't pay the rent, will he sit back and let them evict us while he hangs back in our six bedroom house in the U.S. and sips another glass of wine?
Then as our backs are to the wall, this is what he writes last night. It makes me laugh. What the heck am I laughing about? He writes that he is upset because in order to see the children he has to rent a place to stay. He wants to stay in my/the children's apartment (where he can't enter because of the restraining order - because he came after me, blocked the exit and threatened to harm/kill me while the children were screaming in fright).
Furthermore, he writes that I caused us massive legal fees because I filed for a legal separation last February. Well, the separation and an amiable divorce to follow would have cost a few thousand dollars. But because he fought for(and won) U.S. jurisdiction of the case, that added an additional 50,000 to the legal fee tab.
Additionally, he implies that I separated from him because my lawyer convinced me that I would divorce and be financially well off, and the entire family is now suffering from the subsequent financial hardship because of my mistaken "get-rich-quick scheme".
He then asks to actually celebrate our daughter's upcoming birthday with the children and I in our apartment! He doesn't think it is fair that he has to pay for expenses and doesn't get to share in family occasions any more.
The judge is going to meet with the children next week. We were unable to come up with a therapist that was willing to evaluate the children and give the judge documentation regarding the children's status regarding all of this. So the judge himself will sit in his private office with them and hear what they have to say about how things are going.
The children will say "Dad isn't giving us enough money to live". They are going to say it is confusing because Dad says he can't afford to give us any more than he does but Mom says he can. My oldest will say he is giving up on his father and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. They will probably say that they have seen evidence of their father's alcoholism.
Otherwise, I don't know what they are going to say exactly. It is awful that they are being put in this situation, but my youngest (age 6) is actually looking forward to it! She says she wants to know what the judge looks like.
Lastly, STBXAH asks me not to say bad things to the children about him. He says it isn't fair because I am always with him and he generously gave me sole custody (the judge awarded me sole custody because that's usually what they do in this country plus the evidence demonstrates he is an abusive alcoholic).
No contact would say that I ignore this entire letter and go on with my day.
Part of me thinks the window has a tiny almost imperceptible crack in it and I might whisper something inside. As in rebut this offensive nonsense.
Pure folly?
And part of me thinks that I should go back to those wonderful days of no contact. Bliss bliss bliss. But I used to communicate through the lawyers and I am going to have to let them go since I can't pay them anymore.
Maybe I should go no contact anyway. Announce it ahead of time and get on with my job search. If we starve, well, we have food enough for a little while yet.
So that was a very long post. Thank you, thank you if you got all this way with me!
Here are my questions in a nutshell:
1. What do you think of STBXAH's letter? Quackery?
2. What, if anything, do I do to prepare the children for their visit with the judge?
3. Should I rebut his crazy letter?
4. Should I give up contact altogether? (Will the judge even allow this?)
5. Is STBXAH utterly mad?
for being there dear people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Pippi,
I have been following your story from the sidelines for some time.
I realize you need to keep your details private but there seems to be a lot here that doesn't make sense.
Why are you choosing this time to relocate to a new country with 4 children and no financial means to provide for them and you? The right or wrong of the situation is irrelevant at this point in my opinion.
I know that you are afraid of your ex but it seems that you might at least have some practical help from your own family and friends and indeed social services if you were to return to the US.
Maybe at some point in the future, it may be more feasible to make this big move.
I am confused about the attraction of an overseas move at this time.
Could you give us a bit of background about the reasons for your decisions?
Are you originally from the US yourself?
Are your family in the US?
I hope you will not be offended by my comments/questions.
I have been following your story from the sidelines for some time.
I realize you need to keep your details private but there seems to be a lot here that doesn't make sense.
Why are you choosing this time to relocate to a new country with 4 children and no financial means to provide for them and you? The right or wrong of the situation is irrelevant at this point in my opinion.
I know that you are afraid of your ex but it seems that you might at least have some practical help from your own family and friends and indeed social services if you were to return to the US.
Maybe at some point in the future, it may be more feasible to make this big move.
I am confused about the attraction of an overseas move at this time.
Could you give us a bit of background about the reasons for your decisions?
Are you originally from the US yourself?
Are your family in the US?
I hope you will not be offended by my comments/questions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Pippi here's a very quick response because I'm on my way to a meeting shortly -
1. What do you think of STBXAH's letter? Quackery?
2. What, if anything, do I do to prepare the children for their visit with the judge?
3. Should I rebut his crazy letter?
4. Should I give up contact altogether? (Will the judge even allow this?)
5. Is STBXAH utterly mad?
1. He's quacking. But he doesn't realize it. I think that this is his reality. He believes this. To not believe this would mean he has to understand, in his gut, what he has done and the consequences for the people he used to love most.
He is highly defended emotionally.
That is so painful, so unbearable, so contrary to the heart of who he believes he is, that he just can't get there. So, therefore, it must be someone else's fault because he couldn't have done anything this cruel.
2. Tell the children to tell the truth, as they see and feel it. And to understand that no one will hurt them or take away their love if they tell the truth.
3. Would usually say no. Would certainly say no to a "rebuttal". The only shot you have is the "whisper" -- which to me would be a very brief appeal to connect to the man who once loved you and your/his children. You would have to move beyond your anger, frustration, and rage (all understandable given his actions). You'd have to reconnect with the woman you were when he was the man you loved. Then ask for a civil ending to what was once a great love affair.
Still thinking about whether this is a good idea.
4. This contact is getting you some money but lots of harassment and it puts him in the driver's seat. After the Judge sees the children is the time to make changes. You can change your tone now, though.
5. Sounds more like a narcissist who became an alcoholic and truly believes his own cover story.
ShootingStar1
1. What do you think of STBXAH's letter? Quackery?
2. What, if anything, do I do to prepare the children for their visit with the judge?
3. Should I rebut his crazy letter?
4. Should I give up contact altogether? (Will the judge even allow this?)
5. Is STBXAH utterly mad?
1. He's quacking. But he doesn't realize it. I think that this is his reality. He believes this. To not believe this would mean he has to understand, in his gut, what he has done and the consequences for the people he used to love most.
He is highly defended emotionally.
That is so painful, so unbearable, so contrary to the heart of who he believes he is, that he just can't get there. So, therefore, it must be someone else's fault because he couldn't have done anything this cruel.
2. Tell the children to tell the truth, as they see and feel it. And to understand that no one will hurt them or take away their love if they tell the truth.
3. Would usually say no. Would certainly say no to a "rebuttal". The only shot you have is the "whisper" -- which to me would be a very brief appeal to connect to the man who once loved you and your/his children. You would have to move beyond your anger, frustration, and rage (all understandable given his actions). You'd have to reconnect with the woman you were when he was the man you loved. Then ask for a civil ending to what was once a great love affair.
Still thinking about whether this is a good idea.
4. This contact is getting you some money but lots of harassment and it puts him in the driver's seat. After the Judge sees the children is the time to make changes. You can change your tone now, though.
5. Sounds more like a narcissist who became an alcoholic and truly believes his own cover story.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Thank you for getting through my post! Didn't realize quite how long it was!
I have been here for 3 and a half years with the children. Most of my family is in Europe. We moved here with STBXAH. He left after the first year and we stayed, with the intention that he would return within a year and we would remain here together as a family
But. He went on a binge when on his own in the U.S. No one there to keep him in check so apparently it was party time! When I saw what he was up to I tried to get him into recovery. But it takes some will on his part and he liked things just the way they were.
Then on a visit here from the U.S. he tried to keep sober but after not even a day he couldn't maintain it. And he got violent. That was last year.
I am staying here with the children because this is our home now. In another year the two oldest will be citizens. I have a huge family in another part of Europe. In the U.S. we lived far from family, too. There is no nest of support in the U.S. Family is scattered around.
Residency issues are temporary. I can't go into it without revealing specifics that I shouldn't on the internet. Suffice it to say that they will clear once I have paid work and more time goes by.
I have been here for 3 and a half years with the children. Most of my family is in Europe. We moved here with STBXAH. He left after the first year and we stayed, with the intention that he would return within a year and we would remain here together as a family
But. He went on a binge when on his own in the U.S. No one there to keep him in check so apparently it was party time! When I saw what he was up to I tried to get him into recovery. But it takes some will on his part and he liked things just the way they were.
Then on a visit here from the U.S. he tried to keep sober but after not even a day he couldn't maintain it. And he got violent. That was last year.
I am staying here with the children because this is our home now. In another year the two oldest will be citizens. I have a huge family in another part of Europe. In the U.S. we lived far from family, too. There is no nest of support in the U.S. Family is scattered around.
Residency issues are temporary. I can't go into it without revealing specifics that I shouldn't on the internet. Suffice it to say that they will clear once I have paid work and more time goes by.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Loved Pippi as a kid. Great books.
Pippi would find a way to get herself out of situations. She was creative. Let that side of yourself shine.
It appears to me that you receive child support, but not enough money to support yourself, and perhaps not spousal support. I don't know the details, but I do know that it is not enough money.
I support you in the decision to make him rent a place there for visitation. Your personal space is just that.
What I do think after reading several of your threads is that the focus needs to come off him, and onto yourself.
You're a grown up woman, put on those big girl pants, and get a job, any job you are qualified for. One beneath your capabilities for awhile if necessary. Anything to get more money flowing into your bank account. Meanwhile, at a lesser job if necessary, you never stop looking for the right one, the right pay, at your highest capabilities with room for growth. But in the meantime, don't feel badly about yourself if you clean houses, babysit, flip burgers. This is about showing yourself that you can DO IT.
You have seen you can't depend on him to support you. That means it's time to support yourself.
I know how difficult and confusing and intimidating that thought can be, I've been there.
But the only way out of desperation financially is to do something about it.
I have been there. I know.
He's not going to support you for the rest of your life, this much is clear...so the time has come to take care of yourself.
Pippi would find a way to get herself out of situations. She was creative. Let that side of yourself shine.
It appears to me that you receive child support, but not enough money to support yourself, and perhaps not spousal support. I don't know the details, but I do know that it is not enough money.
I support you in the decision to make him rent a place there for visitation. Your personal space is just that.
What I do think after reading several of your threads is that the focus needs to come off him, and onto yourself.
You're a grown up woman, put on those big girl pants, and get a job, any job you are qualified for. One beneath your capabilities for awhile if necessary. Anything to get more money flowing into your bank account. Meanwhile, at a lesser job if necessary, you never stop looking for the right one, the right pay, at your highest capabilities with room for growth. But in the meantime, don't feel badly about yourself if you clean houses, babysit, flip burgers. This is about showing yourself that you can DO IT.
You have seen you can't depend on him to support you. That means it's time to support yourself.
I know how difficult and confusing and intimidating that thought can be, I've been there.
But the only way out of desperation financially is to do something about it.
I have been there. I know.
He's not going to support you for the rest of your life, this much is clear...so the time has come to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Pippi,
You want to stay in Europe but can't currently make it under your circumstances. You have to find a way to make it there WITHOUT your ex. Period.
The statement above, I think, is the key. This could be the big compromise. Stay in Europe, but move to an area where you have the support you need to make it without your ex and his games. Period.
With love.
I have a huge family in another part of Europe.
The statement above, I think, is the key. This could be the big compromise. Stay in Europe, but move to an area where you have the support you need to make it without your ex and his games. Period.
With love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
This just in.
AH wants to settle. Just back from lawyer. He's going to put together a proposal for a settlement, but with more dimension.
Praying for a positive resolution! Will reply to your responses in a bit! The fair came to town and the kiddos are crazy wanting to go!
AH wants to settle. Just back from lawyer. He's going to put together a proposal for a settlement, but with more dimension.
Praying for a positive resolution! Will reply to your responses in a bit! The fair came to town and the kiddos are crazy wanting to go!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
25 years ago, a single mom walked into my business seeking employment. Was she qualified? No, but what attracted me was her self conviction, her direct honesty, I could see she was really struggling, but I also saw courage, and strength. Next week, it will be 25 years she has worked for me, she is my office manager, my right hand, best work decision I ever made.
pippi, you have to put yourself out there, be brave, employers look beyond qualifications if they feel you would be an asset/ good fit to their organization, I have suggested to my daughters when they were seeking employment to interview with anyone who will see them, it's a great learning experience, and builds confidence. It's been over 7 months of hell for you, you can rise above this, you just have to believe in yourself. As long as you are depending on your deadbeat husband for support you will remained trapped and under his control. I am sorry, but its time to take the bull by the horns.
pippi, you have to put yourself out there, be brave, employers look beyond qualifications if they feel you would be an asset/ good fit to their organization, I have suggested to my daughters when they were seeking employment to interview with anyone who will see them, it's a great learning experience, and builds confidence. It's been over 7 months of hell for you, you can rise above this, you just have to believe in yourself. As long as you are depending on your deadbeat husband for support you will remained trapped and under his control. I am sorry, but its time to take the bull by the horns.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Good morning all,
Yes, I think he rather believes his lies. Not all the time, but in the light of day when he is doing his acting-like-everything-is-normal routine, yes.
He puts on a sad and innocent, slightly bewildered face. Some find it quite convincing.
He wants me to respond as though this act is reality. No thank you.
I learned a couple juicy sticky tidbits from my lawyer yesterday. Get this. He is paying his lawyer the bare minimum and she is getting miffed. Apparently she had a heart-to-heart with my lawyer (!), revealing that AH is trying to manipulate her, pretending to have no means to pay. And he is refusing to talk about money issues at all, saying his US lawyer has that covered. He always refused to answer my money questions, too.
Where is all his money? He tells me it is going to the lawyer!
What's more. Stbxah told his lawyer that without explaining his strategy to me, he wants me to learn through my own (hard) experience that my place is back in the US. My lawyer calls this 'perverse'.
Yeah, time to go earn some money. Don't worry. I dug up several good possibilities last week and am on my way.
I do want to understand AH. He is going to remain in my life because of the children and it is my responsibility to know what I am exposing them to.
His alcoholism may be in check. His mental illness seems more of a threat to us all at this point.
Yes, I think he rather believes his lies. Not all the time, but in the light of day when he is doing his acting-like-everything-is-normal routine, yes.
He puts on a sad and innocent, slightly bewildered face. Some find it quite convincing.
He wants me to respond as though this act is reality. No thank you.
I learned a couple juicy sticky tidbits from my lawyer yesterday. Get this. He is paying his lawyer the bare minimum and she is getting miffed. Apparently she had a heart-to-heart with my lawyer (!), revealing that AH is trying to manipulate her, pretending to have no means to pay. And he is refusing to talk about money issues at all, saying his US lawyer has that covered. He always refused to answer my money questions, too.
Where is all his money? He tells me it is going to the lawyer!
What's more. Stbxah told his lawyer that without explaining his strategy to me, he wants me to learn through my own (hard) experience that my place is back in the US. My lawyer calls this 'perverse'.
Yeah, time to go earn some money. Don't worry. I dug up several good possibilities last week and am on my way.
I do want to understand AH. He is going to remain in my life because of the children and it is my responsibility to know what I am exposing them to.
His alcoholism may be in check. His mental illness seems more of a threat to us all at this point.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
Where is all his money?
Yeah, time to go earn some money.
btw, you understand that BOTH of your lawyers are grossly unethical if they are doing gossip sidebar discussions and reporting them to you?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Hi Pippi,
I thought the same thing about the money- alcoholics spend an enormous amount of money! Even have a hard time living off of 500k made in 18 months. So, maybe he DID spend it. On booze? Gambling? Women? Drugs? Who knows. You may never be able to depend on him financially.
I thought the same thing about the money- alcoholics spend an enormous amount of money! Even have a hard time living off of 500k made in 18 months. So, maybe he DID spend it. On booze? Gambling? Women? Drugs? Who knows. You may never be able to depend on him financially.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You say you really want to understand your AH. i am not sure that is humanly possible. I had to give up any notion of really understanding anything about XA, and simply accept, and get on with my life. Every effort put forth on my part was an absolute fruitless waste of time.
All you can really do is try and promote a decent relationship between him and his kids, there will come a time when what he says, thinks, or does, simply doesn't matter. And that is when you know you are free of addiction
All you can really do is try and promote a decent relationship between him and his kids, there will come a time when what he says, thinks, or does, simply doesn't matter. And that is when you know you are free of addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Hi Hammer,
This isn't the U.S. what both lawyers here consider unethical is how the US could put in an order for AH to pay so little in support that there isn't even enough money to keep food on the table.
This country would never have allowed that to happen to the children.
This isn't the U.S. what both lawyers here consider unethical is how the US could put in an order for AH to pay so little in support that there isn't even enough money to keep food on the table.
This country would never have allowed that to happen to the children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Oops. Late last night I wrote a draft of a letter to Stbxah. I sometimes write things to get my thoughts clear and send them to myself.
Every year, our village holds a huge 3-day wine festival. Live bands, food, fair, parade, and you guessed it, wine-consumption with loud music til the wee hours. The dumpsters and music are just below our living room windows. All night the wine bottles crash and break.
So this is all going outside and I'm composing my draft at 2 am. I get up to get the earplugs and quickly push - send! Aaaah!
Well, ok, it was meant to be.
I wrote an honest little bit telling AH that I know the truth. And that he knows that I know the truth. And that things have gotten out of hand and it doesn't have to be this way. He needs help and there is forgiveness and he could once again be a hero. I wrote about Lance Armstrong and how he hurt the people closest to him who knew what he was about. And how he wants to compete again but he has to get help first. That AH is right. Alcoholism doesn't cover everything that is wrong. I don't say it but it's what's wrong with Lance. It's narcissism.
That's the first time I tried to connect with Stbxah since last fall, maybe. I am not as afraid anymore. Last year the ptsd was pretty intense.
So I woke up this morning and he didn't respond directly to the letter. He responded to an ongoing question about outstanding bills. Which he now says he will deal with.
Next week he will get a letter from my lawyer with a proposed settlement.
He wants me to help him be a good guy. He always has.
Next week I am turning off the email contact and doing nothing but job interviews. I am going to let everything else run amok and concentrate on this last remaining important task. No more constant contact. The child support has started coming in finally and I can pay for food and rent for October.
I don't think it is wrong to make some effort to get through to stbxah. He is still a (wretched) human being and my children's father that they love. I hate him. But the task at hand is establishing an equilibrium that is functional and there is a part of stbxah that is worth appealing to.
When the papers get drawn and signed I can move on at a quicker pace. My future is awaiting me
. But there is the possibility of securing a better situation, and the income gets taken directly from his salary. Detachment is seeing the divorce settlement and contact with stbxah as a necessary task. And doing my best for the children while there is still hope for improved resolution.
And now, to work!
Every year, our village holds a huge 3-day wine festival. Live bands, food, fair, parade, and you guessed it, wine-consumption with loud music til the wee hours. The dumpsters and music are just below our living room windows. All night the wine bottles crash and break.
So this is all going outside and I'm composing my draft at 2 am. I get up to get the earplugs and quickly push - send! Aaaah!
Well, ok, it was meant to be.
I wrote an honest little bit telling AH that I know the truth. And that he knows that I know the truth. And that things have gotten out of hand and it doesn't have to be this way. He needs help and there is forgiveness and he could once again be a hero. I wrote about Lance Armstrong and how he hurt the people closest to him who knew what he was about. And how he wants to compete again but he has to get help first. That AH is right. Alcoholism doesn't cover everything that is wrong. I don't say it but it's what's wrong with Lance. It's narcissism.
That's the first time I tried to connect with Stbxah since last fall, maybe. I am not as afraid anymore. Last year the ptsd was pretty intense.
So I woke up this morning and he didn't respond directly to the letter. He responded to an ongoing question about outstanding bills. Which he now says he will deal with.
Next week he will get a letter from my lawyer with a proposed settlement.
He wants me to help him be a good guy. He always has.
Next week I am turning off the email contact and doing nothing but job interviews. I am going to let everything else run amok and concentrate on this last remaining important task. No more constant contact. The child support has started coming in finally and I can pay for food and rent for October.
I don't think it is wrong to make some effort to get through to stbxah. He is still a (wretched) human being and my children's father that they love. I hate him. But the task at hand is establishing an equilibrium that is functional and there is a part of stbxah that is worth appealing to.
When the papers get drawn and signed I can move on at a quicker pace. My future is awaiting me
. But there is the possibility of securing a better situation, and the income gets taken directly from his salary. Detachment is seeing the divorce settlement and contact with stbxah as a necessary task. And doing my best for the children while there is still hope for improved resolution.And now, to work!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
