new beginnings

Today my AH that is currently in his fourth job ordered rehab tells me that he does not think he is an alcoholic. He has been in rehab for almost an entire year. It has been 11 months. He has managed to fool everyone and just go through the motions. He said he hasn't had a drink in 67 days. I don't know and don't care. Thanks to this website I am recognizing his manipulations and lies more and more. Instead of hearing his verbal abuse, I am now able to sometimes hear it as quacking instead. Last night he became physically violent. But instead of thinking I provoked it or somehow caused him to act or react that way, I know I didn't cause it. Today he even tried to convince me he had stayed calm last night and was trying to calm "me" down. He sat in his chair and kept saying things to try and provoke me. He just kept on and on. I kept asking him to please stop and that I didn't understand why he would want to hurt me or my children like this. I asked him please to leave and leave us alone. He just kept saying things and saying he wasn't going anywhere and that he was going to have me and my children thrown out and that he was going to make us suffer, etc. And I went into the bathroom thinking I would remove myself. I stupidly chose to pick up his laundry basket with the intent to take it in the laundry room. When I walked out with it, he said something horribly nasty and I turned the basket over in top of him. That is when he picked me up by my wrists and carried me over to the bed holding me down and using my own hands to choke me. I tried everything to get loose, I scratched tried to kick private area just to e able to get away. But I am 4'11 and a little over 100lbs. He is 6'2 and over 200 lbs. luckily, something made him stop. It is all such a blur to me. But, he had me convinced it was my fault. And then I thought about it all and know it wasn't my fault. Yes, I should have removed myself when he began to try and provoke me and I shouldn't have tried to turn clothes over on him. But I didn't cause him to physically become violent. Today I saw and understood for the first time that my AH is not getting well. He doesn't think he is an alcoholic and therefore will not work any 12 step program. I am the worlds most naive person. I am going to have to step up my escape plan and get my children out of here.

Zee

I'm so sorry for you... I am a recovering alcoholic myself... but my husband has been drunk and hurt me too (thank goodness we don't have kids) You have to get some back-up imo ... do it behind his back.... then just go...... good luck x

PippiLngstockng

NewB,

I understand and I've completely been there. Even had a violent laundry basket incident with AH that led to police intervention. He pushed/threw me in it!

Where are you now? Where are the children? AH? Is he drunk?

Please call a domestic violence hotline and get their support and advice. You will want to report this incident to the police and get protection.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

It's so sad how many of us go through these similar incidents...

funkynassau

I think you might want to consider Al Anon, it can help you learn how to take care of yourself at times like this.

I think your husband is indeed a bully and an alcoholic, even if he doesnt want to admit it. Time for you to make a plan to get out of there.

amy55

new beginnings, I am so sorry that this happened to you. You are right, it was not your fault. He was going to continue to provoke you. Mine used to follow me from room to room, telling me the story of the alpha dominant male and the submissive wife, and if I interrupted him, he would start from the beginning again. (but that was my ex).

You did leave the room, you went to do something else, he followed you. The rage was already building in him.

Please call 911. File a report on this. This is one thing that I should have done on several occasions. With this report you will have it when it comes to child visitation, and custody, also they can help you with an RO. If it is too scary for you right now to call 911, you can call the DV hotline. They will connect you with the DV shelter in your area. They can help you with all of this, and tell you what they would be able to help you with when you decide to leave.

I did call the DV hotline once. I talked to them about an hour. When I had to leave one night, I had no problem calling the shelter that time, because I had already spoken to them. It just made things easier for me.

Take care of yourself and your children. We are here for you.

thislonelygirl

your correct. you did nothing wrong.
the worst you did was pour clothes on him?
and he thought that justifies putting his hands on you?
he probably would have done it anyhow had you not done that . thats the truth about abuse.
just because he justifies his behavior doesnt make it so...much like that of an alcoholic justifying their drinking. theres no validity.
its good you know this and you recognize his sick thinking.
this is a step in getting well for you and your kids.
good luck to you.

thislonelygirl

i also wanted to recognize that you also know the importance of the 12 steps . thats great.
it makes me happy when someoneposts on here whos realizing theur part abd the alcoholics.
thats just apart of tge process to healing.
the above suggestionsare spot on good. ide documentas much too

dandylion

new beginnings--you are right--you need to get yourself and your kids out. Call the dv hotline and tell them what happened. You cannot predict what will happen the next time--and, there WILL be a next time if you stay around.

You might want to check out the current thread by Sadconfused. She is in your same situation and trying to get out safely.

dandylion

sugapie

Good for you for recognizing that it is not your fault. It has taken me a long time to get there myself, and I still sometimes slip. It is so easy to react instead of respond or not respond. I understand from reading other posts that once an AH hits, they are likely to do it again. I am not an expert, but you have to take care of yourself and your children. I am sure you already know that. Sorry you are going through this :-(. Hopefully you have family you can rely or talk to and maybe get some legal advice. I know easier said than done.

Tuffgirl

This is a perfect example of things going too far. If you can't be around him without losing your self-control, then you do need to leave ASAP. Thing is - when it gets to this point, it becomes very dangerous. He won't relent, so if you can't keep yourself completely detached from his goading, you need too remove yourself from the situation to begin with.

I am sorry - I know how it feels to be provoked. But when I became combative is when I realized we were done. My own behavior was the catalyst to get the heck out of that situation.

dandylion

What Tuffgirl says is absolutely right. I, also, know what it feels like to be provoked.

dandylion

Recovering2

My stomach did flips when I read what happened to you. You're in a violent alcoholic situation, and you have to get you and the kids out before it escalates. It will escalate. Report it to the police so there's a paper trail. You'll need that when it comes to custody issues etc. Call the DV hotline today and get advise/assistance. Forget everything else, get out of there.

Praying for your safety.

HopefulinFLA

I have to say I giggled just a little (ok, a lot) when you mentioned dumping the laundry on him. This creep deserved it, and so much more! Maybe for your own safety, you should just imagine yourself doing these things and don't actually do them.

Seriously though, please do what you can to get out of this situation. Your husband is a very sick man, and you deserve to be where you are treated with respect and dignity, some place where you are safe.

BoxinRotz

He maybe in rehab but he sounds like he is still drinking. The goading is a classic sign for me as to what my AH would do when drinking. He likes to pick a fight from hell and he will push any button necessary to get me sucked in, just like your AH did to you.

If you are going to stay any longer because you're not ready for whatever reason, you have got to learn how to detach from the madness. Flipping a basket of clothes on him could have gotten you seriously hurt so in the future, if you swat him with a newspaper, it could possibly get you a black eye. He just seems like he isn't going to tolerate you invading his space like that even though he was completely out of line running his lips faster than his brain.

I once had a chance to light my AH up because he came after me. We did the dance around the table in the kitchen when he was blacked out drunk after his motorcycle accident. I could not have hit him for fear of killing him with a blow to the head, my main goal was to LEAVE, which I did. He was left to play with himself.

Domestic violence is real. No one has a right to lay a finger on anyone or invade their 3ft of personal space, even with a basket full of laundry. I think, with time, detachment is your best line of defense other than gathering the kiddies and getting out ASAP when the sh*t hits the fan.

hisimage48

New,

You're not the most naive person in the world, you are just a co-. Not for long, not for long. Get in order what needs to be in order. Is there anywhere you can go until then?

hisimage48

Also New,

He must sense you are getting stronger? Looking for that New beginning? It seems the A always knows when something is up.

My A is trying the Bait game tonight. I've taken to turning the recorder on , on my phone when I recognize he is binging and baiting. The first time I did this, I played it back and could not believe how I sounded. I went from taking the bait, to ignoring, then almost whining/screaming when trying to make him pin point a time that he was accusing me of doing something. It was awful and I was completely embarrassed of myself. Now, when I know that thing is running I am reminded to shut my mouth, plus if something gets out of hand, I have proof.

He's not been physical, but from what I understand that is YET.

new beginnings

Thank you all! And you are right. I didn't look at what I did with the laundry hamper as provoking him or combative. But that is exactly what it was. You are all correct, I need to learn to detach while I still have to be here. I was in the wrong and did put myself in danger which I am now realizing. Thank you for your honest and kind responses. This is all so new, well relatively. But I am going to go and talk to the dv unit of the police department. I think he already has his defense in order and "knows" what he is doing and what he can get away with and what he can't. It just seems very calculated and manipulative right now to me.

new beginnings

Hisinage48, that is a great idea. I will do that and I'm sure I will hear myself doing the same things you heard yourself do, maybe worse. It is terrible how he can still get me to react. I am becoming stronger and healthier but obviously by my reactions not strong or healthy enough...yet!!!

LUCAN

Sorry to hear about your misery. Sorry you are dealing with a worthless abusive drunk. You need to get yourself and kids away from him and never look back. A drunk is bad enough. An aggressive, abusive drunk is something no one should be forced to endure. I don't know you and you don't know me, but your husband is never going to change if you stay with him. A man who is physically violent towards a woman let alone his wife is not worth trying to save. It may be unfortunate and inconvenient to leave him, but it is your morale obligation to yourself and your children to leave your husband before he hurts you again.

I'm married to an alcoholic wife. She is stupid, but not abusive - not physically. I don't take her crap, I just need to filter it and keep my daughter centered as we deal with her stupid decisions. Drunks are idiots. I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to live in fear of physical harm by the hands of my partner. I hope you find the strength to leave - for your sake and your kids sake.

Be strong.

new beginnings

I must be hiding the abuse because last night I discussed with my two older children getting out of the situation and moving to another "home". I did tell them it would be small and we would have to do without some things in the beginning, but it would be peaceful and calm. And this is what I have tried to explain on my other posts. My children hate my husband. They do not want to be around him or have any interaction with him. But, they love the house and the security of the house. They don't want me out of an abusive situation if it means they have to leave their home, their things, their lifestyle. My 18 year old was not happy at all and started saying that now she would take everything she owns to college because she is afraid if she doesn't it will be gone. She also has this unrealistic fear that when she goes to college, I will move and she won't be able to find me. I adore my three children. I would never abandon them. And I have remained in this situation and taken the abuse so their economic lives would be better. All three children have expressed to me that they want to stay in the house and I feel they expect me to handle the abuse.