Today AH tells me he does not think he is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by new beginnings 
Does domestic violence happen in all different economic situations? Someone looking from the outside would assume I would have the resources to get out.....
I know y'all continue to tell me this is confidential. But I just don't think it would be. I was the person that used to volunteer at places like the shelters. I served on the board of places like the shelters and was in charge of fundraisers. This was all in other cities when I was married to my XH (not an A) My children go once a month to one of these places to volunteer. They play with the children there and do activities with them. I don't want people to know this is going on in our home. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed or labeled. And if people know, they won't let their children come over anymore to see my kids.
My children and I are starting to get shunned in the community. People are not speaking to me as much and the kids are being excluded from friends parties etc. I just don't want to do anything else to bring negative attention to our family.
I know y'all continue to tell me this is confidential. But I just don't think it would be. I was the person that used to volunteer at places like the shelters. I served on the board of places like the shelters and was in charge of fundraisers. This was all in other cities when I was married to my XH (not an A) My children go once a month to one of these places to volunteer. They play with the children there and do activities with them. I don't want people to know this is going on in our home. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed or labeled. And if people know, they won't let their children come over anymore to see my kids.
My children and I are starting to get shunned in the community. People are not speaking to me as much and the kids are being excluded from friends parties etc. I just don't want to do anything else to bring negative attention to our family.
You don't want people to know--but what advice did you give when you volunteered?
SUNSHINE IS THE BEST DISINFECTANT. your kids are carrying this psychic wound and you can certainly address it with them privately, but it needs to be acknowledged or it will fester until they're ready to form their own marriages.
It's not an 'either shout it from the rooftops or shut up' choice. We can choose to trust attorneys, therapists and doctors who CANNOT legally breach confidentiality, and leave our friends and acquaintances out of it. What is on your computer may NOT be confidential. You can find ways to secure or delete your info. Good luck to you!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
How many women have been killed by their husbands because the women were afraid to bring any shame on the family? Sound harsh? Sorry, but if you aren't willing to get out of that hell hole for yourself, the least you could do is get your children out. How embarrassing would it be for them to have to go to school after their dad killed their mom?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
new beginnings---you will find NO judgement in alanon.
Remember that life and death issues trumps embarrassment issues. Besides, you can't keep this under the blankets forever. Sooner or later--something gives.
Please forget the small, narrow minds of these other people. What they think of you is none of your business. They are not paying your utility bills, are they?
Just do the next right thing and trust that those of us who care about you will have your back.
dandylion
Remember that life and death issues trumps embarrassment issues. Besides, you can't keep this under the blankets forever. Sooner or later--something gives.
Please forget the small, narrow minds of these other people. What they think of you is none of your business. They are not paying your utility bills, are they?
Just do the next right thing and trust that those of us who care about you will have your back.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by honeypig
You confided in a "friend" who then went and told your confidence to at least one other person. You are worried about people who "shun" someone who is being abused. WTF. Really, are these people you want to call friends? People that you would give a rat's ass what they think? Sounds to me like a gift, to have them out of your life. You would find friends much truer and people much more compassionate at an Alanon meeting. Might I suggest you start to make some friends there and "shun" these other folks? It's said frequently here that when the A acts badly, he is showing you who he is. These people are showing you who THEY are. Believe them and get them OUT OF YOUR LIFE. You're worried about your kids being "embarassed" by these people. What an opportunity for you to teach them what matters--loyalty, honesty, compassion, strength. Or you can let them learn that "what people think" is the most important thing in the world. This seems to me to be a real teachable moment. I'd take advantage of that.
You are right. Thank you. I am allowing my FOO thinking to cloud mine. It is the very reason my FOO won't help us, because of the embarrassment it will bring to them. I do NOT want to continue that negative thinking and pass it on to my children. Thank you for that wake up call!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you Dandylion. I will have to put my pride aside and talk to someone at DV. I will put plans A, B, and C into place. I have always been bad about not "seeing" who people are or what the situation truly is. And as much as I thought I had grown away from that, I obviously haven't. Because I have been ignoring this hoping it would go away or be what I needed it to be. But, y'all are all right. I will call DV on Monday after AH leaves and children are at school.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Originally Posted by new beginnings
Thank you Dandylion. I will have to put my pride aside and talk to someone at DV.
Hi NB, I have been following along and I am glad you are taking action. I think it takes pride to realize that you deserve better. There is nothing shameful in taking steps to remove yourself from a hurtful and dangerous situation.
Abusers love fear and they love the fact that there victims often participate in the cycle by covering for them, an unspoken agreement between an abuser and the victim. They taunt their victims by telling them they don't have it that bad, or no one will want them or no one will believe them. But you know what goes on between you and you know that it is not right. He is not going to end this, not in a million years.
Going to DV is the first step in reclaiming what is not a luxury, it is a right. A right to feel safe and loved. I am sorry that you have been through such a very sad time. Monday is not about putting your pride aside, it is about starting on a journey that you can be proud of.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just a couple of things--and yes, I am thrilled you are willing to consider taking some action!
Talking to the police, or anyone affiliated with a government agency, cannot be considered confidential. Community-based advocacy organizations, shelters, etc., ARE confidential, and you can ask them to explain their confidentiality policy before you tell them anything. Many states have a counselor/advocate privilege, which means that even if they get subpoenaed to court they can't testify without your permission.
And your kids are far less likely to be embarrassed by your actions than they would by their dad going to prison for putting their mom in the hospital (or worse). You would be modeling wise behavior for them--if they were in trouble, wouldn't you want them to feel like it's OK to reach out for help, rather than suffer because they learned secrets have to be kept at all costs?
Keep us posted on how you make out.
Talking to the police, or anyone affiliated with a government agency, cannot be considered confidential. Community-based advocacy organizations, shelters, etc., ARE confidential, and you can ask them to explain their confidentiality policy before you tell them anything. Many states have a counselor/advocate privilege, which means that even if they get subpoenaed to court they can't testify without your permission.
And your kids are far less likely to be embarrassed by your actions than they would by their dad going to prison for putting their mom in the hospital (or worse). You would be modeling wise behavior for them--if they were in trouble, wouldn't you want them to feel like it's OK to reach out for help, rather than suffer because they learned secrets have to be kept at all costs?
Keep us posted on how you make out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you LexiCat. I didn't know that about the police/ government agencies. I have had the flu and have not talked to anyone yet. Thanks to you, I now know who to talk to and what to ask. Thank you very much!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
new beginnings, I am glad to see that you are still here, posting.....you are still hanging in!!!!! Good, girl.
That is the most important thing. Do. NOT. Give. UP. Keep facing forward. We have got your back.
Thinking of you.
dandylion
That is the most important thing. Do. NOT. Give. UP. Keep facing forward. We have got your back.
Thinking of you.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hello newB
It's not about what the children want hon.
You are the adult and this relationship is on a one way track to destruction.
Take your children and go.
The longer you stay in this situation, you are not doing them any favours as they will only take both of your behaviours into their own relationships.
The way you treat each other is what they are learning. I feel for the kids :-(
You have to teach respect to earn it .
No matter how bad it got ...no man ( or other person) has any right to put their hands on you.
I wish you well
Good luck xx
It's not about what the children want hon.
You are the adult and this relationship is on a one way track to destruction.
Take your children and go.
The longer you stay in this situation, you are not doing them any favours as they will only take both of your behaviours into their own relationships.
The way you treat each other is what they are learning. I feel for the kids :-(
You have to teach respect to earn it .
No matter how bad it got ...no man ( or other person) has any right to put their hands on you.
I wish you well
Good luck xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I called the DV hotline today. They told me they were there 24 hrs a day and I could call anytime. They told me things I needed to do to be able to leave quickly and other helpful information. The kids walked in so I had to hang up, but am going to call back when I have time alone. The woman was looking up places in the next county over that could help me be able to help myself out of the situation. she understood why I didn't want to go to the places in this county.
I feel better about it all and am looking forward to seeing if they can help me find employment or get on the right track to be employable. The woman was really nice, she managed to tell me to delete the number before I had to hang up, which is something I wouldn't have thought to do.
I still have the flu and am trying to get well.
I feel better about it all and am looking forward to seeing if they can help me find employment or get on the right track to be employable. The woman was really nice, she managed to tell me to delete the number before I had to hang up, which is something I wouldn't have thought to do.
I still have the flu and am trying to get well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you Dandylion! I felt better the longer I was on the phone. I realized I could call the national hotline and not the local one, so that helped that first step. I'm still a very very long way from where I need to be. But I am one step further today than I was yesterday. Thank you to everyone on here for being supportive and inspiring.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you all so much!! I cannot express how much it has helped to have your advice and encouragement. I am so ready for a change as many of us on here are, and as many of you have already done. It is such a blessing to have other people that can understand and relate to my life. I am going to search for another alanon group also. The one I went to had about four members and they all have known each other for years. It wasn't what I expected or needed at this time. Thank you all again!!!!
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