marshy13

Hello,

I would be grateful for some advice my husband is in AA and CA and although he apologises after he's dealt with something.. At the time the strops and the way he reacts is just horrible.. Does anyone have any advice or tips of dealing with this? How do I react? I try and give it a few minutes and then speak calmly and change the subject but I either get angry words, no words, or yes.. No..
I always end up feeling rubbish and majority of the time the strops are irrational.. Not cos of something I have done! I hate it when he's upset

Thank you

m1k3

Hi Marshy,

The best way to deal with his strops, and btw you sent me to google on that one as I had no clue what a strop was, is to not deal with them.

They are his, you don't need to take part in it. Check out this article on detachment:
http://www.mb.al-anon.alateen.org/Detachment.pdf

Once you learn to separate you emotional well being from his behavior life gets much easier. It's not easy at first but you don't have to react to childish behavior.

If he's upset remember that it's his problem not yours.

Your friend,

marshy13

Hi M1ke,

Thanks for your reply.

Oh dear, sorry! That's the only word I could describe them with.. Ill have a read of that link..

Just sounds easier said than done I seem to hang off his every whim when it comes to strops.. They just make me so nervous and no matter what we have planned they just ruin in

Thanks again

Wisconsin

I googled it and still don't know what strops are! LOL

It sounds like it's pretty abhorrent behavior, though, and if that is the case, I agree totally with Mike.

marshy13

Haha so sorry!

Strops = mood swings/irritational behaviour/overreacting massively/being grumpy..

Hope that makes more sense?

Wisconsin

Absolutely no need to be sorry. I am pretty unhip with contemporary lingo and slang, and I appreciate the education.

Tuffgirl

I too had to Google, and was thinking how does a sharpening instrument shaped like an oar cause so much trouble? Yeah, yeah, stupid American right here!!

Thanks for clarifying.

Mike is right - detachment, detachment, detachment. Read as much as you can about this concept, and how to put it into practice. It really does help to not own his bad behavior and make it yours.

marshy13

Thank you so much m1ke, Wisconsin and tuffgurl.

I will do some more reading on detachment..

I'm off to pick him up now.. Not sure what mood he's going to be in :/ great!

Thanks again

Hammer

I suppose the more "industry" term would be:

emotional dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

But, yes, an A without their "mood stabilizer" or Drug of Choice, often has emotional dysregulation.

But Mike is very correct -- first for you is detachment -- put in more simple terms, some distance -- where his "weather" does not rain on you.

And then some "boundaries" to keep his stuff on his side of the fence, and you from wandering into them.

BlueSkies1

I love learning new British slang!

I must confess, I initially thought it was the same as the slang "trots".

Hope you get a laugh out of that one.

Wavy

Haha I got a laugh out of it! I had no idea 'strop' was a specifically british term!

When you pick him up remember whatever mood he is in does not have to be your mood. I used to sponge up XABF's moods like they were contagious, but with more and more practise at detachment you'll find you can be happy even when he's throwing a mega-strop, in fact sometimes I had to stop myself from outright laughing!

marshy13

Thanks for your reply hammer. I'm working on it, just need to keep trying. Because of issues in my past before my AH the mood swings just put me on edge.. Think I need to deal with that stuff too

marshy13

Blueskies1,

Thank you haha that has made me giggle

marshy13

Wavy,

Thanks for your reply.. And what were your tips for doing that please?