How did you tell your kids about the separation?

Old 09-26-2013, 07:58 AM
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How did you tell your kids about the separation?

I believe it is very likely I will be separating from my husband quite soon. I have simply had enough of the abuse and the lies. Last night I caught him lying to me yet one more time, and when I let on I knew he was lying, he flew into a rage. This was right before supper, so as we all ate, he sat there glaring at me with intense hatred the whole time. I have had enough of this. Enough. I want to be able to enjoy a simple home cooked meal with my children without the drama and hatred aimed at me. Sometimes his hatred is aimed at the children too. I'm sick of his temper tantrums and sulking. I'm sick of trying to sort out the truth and lies. He hasn't shown any real indication he's going to get help for his multiple addictions - he wants things to continue like this forever. I just feel done. ENOUGH.

I have been looking into getting some legal advice today, and I also want to ask my friends here something of a more personal nature. For those of you who decided to separate from an abusive and alcoholic spouse, what did you tell your kids? We have 4 kids, from age 2 up to 14. If my AH refuses to leave the house (which he may, as we have absolutely no money) I will take the kids to live at my parents for a while. But my first choice is for him to leave so the kids won't have to disrupt their lives. The thought of having the house always peaceful, without his stupid drama, is lovely. However I know that the kids will be upset that Dad isn't there. They love him regardless of the way he treats them. What do I tell them?

Do I tell them about the drinking, and drugs? That their dad is sick, and I asked him to go away until he finds a way to get better? Obviously the 14 year old understands the situation pretty well - and I think she would be happy for him to be gone as he screams at her the worst of any of us - but the younger ones I'm not sure.

I am deeply concerned about how this situation will affect my beloved children, and I would really appreciate any advice others could give me. Thanks!
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Old 09-26-2013, 08:21 AM
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Hello! I separated from my AH in May. We have a 4year old son and a 10 month old. Me and AH told our son together about the separation. We presented it as a mutual decision (even though I had asked AH to leave). Alcoholism was not brought up as I don't think my son would understand and it would have just added more confusion to the situation for him. We both said we were okay with it and that things were going to be better this way. We didn't focus so much on the reasons for the separation as we did on what life was going to look like. We explained where daddy was going to go live, when he would see him, and confirmed that he(son) would stay with me. I'm sure with your children being older, they will ask their own questions. That can guide you with what to say. I'm sure my son and baby will ask questions as they mature.
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Old 09-26-2013, 08:30 AM
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It is my opinion that the exact message you deliver will depend on your particular children, their maturity levels, and their attitudes. I personally do not believe it is necessary to talk a lot about your AH's disease, unless the older kids need certain information in order to protect themselves when alone with him. However, I believe there are three important underlying messages to give when informing the kids:

1. You are loved. I love you. Your dad loves you. Your grandparents love you. Some things in our family are going to be changing, but our love for you has not changed and will not change.

2. This is a grown-up situation, and the grown-ups will handle it. Dad and I are trying to work through the best way to handle the changes that are coming. If you have any questions, or are worried about something, you can ALWAYS ask me and we'll talk things through. But your only "job" is to keep being kids.

3. (and, if your children have ever expressed fear of their father) You are safe.

It's a delicate balance to strike with older kids: giving them enough information so they are aware enough to keep themselves safe, etc., without burdening them with so many details that it creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Maybe consider Alateen for your older kids?
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Old 09-26-2013, 08:51 AM
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Do I tell them about the drinking, and drugs? That their dad is sick, and I asked him to go away until he finds a way to get better? Obviously the 14 year old understands the situation pretty well - and I think she would be happy for him to be gone as he screams at her the worst of any of us - but the younger ones I'm not sure.
I kept it age-appropriate for my son, who is now turning 14. At age 12, he knew my AH was "sick" and needed to go somewhere to get well. He knew just about everything except the nitty gritty details. I will say that when he found out his stepdad who he dearly loved was an alcoholic, this was somehow a game-changer for him and he felt like he'd been betrayed and kept in the dark. That said, I don't know how I could have done it differently based on what I knew and where I was in my understanding of the disease.

I don't think there's a right way to do it, but best practices apply. What Wisconsin said above.
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Old 09-26-2013, 09:10 AM
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My two girls are 5 and 7.

I just told them that their father made some bad choices, and that he could make the right choices to make sure they were safe, so he had to go stay somewhere else for a while. That he's sick, and going to work on getting better.
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:04 AM
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Thank you all.

Originally Posted by Wisconsin View Post
It is my opinion that the exact message you deliver will depend on your particular children, their maturity levels, and their attitudes. I personally do not believe it is necessary to talk a lot about your AH's disease, unless the older kids need certain information in order to protect themselves when alone with him. However, I believe there are three important underlying messages to give when informing the kids:

1. You are loved. I love you. Your dad loves you. Your grandparents love you. Some things in our family are going to be changing, but our love for you has not changed and will not change.

2. This is a grown-up situation, and the grown-ups will handle it. Dad and I are trying to work through the best way to handle the changes that are coming. If you have any questions, or are worried about something, you can ALWAYS ask me and we'll talk things through. But your only "job" is to keep being kids.

3. (and, if your children have ever expressed fear of their father) You are safe.

It's a delicate balance to strike with older kids: giving them enough information so they are aware enough to keep themselves safe, etc., without burdening them with so many details that it creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Maybe consider Alateen for your older kids?
This is just what I was looking for, thank you. I just feel a bit overwhelmed about the details right now, as it's not like I do this sort of thing all the time.
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:11 AM
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Having children across such a large age spectrum will create some challenges, because I imagine you will want to deliver the news to all the children at the same time, but then you will probably want to speak with each child individually to deliver age-appropriate information. I think the number one priority is keeping the lines of communication open, so that they feel safe and protected and able to come to you.
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:16 AM
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Hi everyone, this is my first post ever on a site like this but everything I read rings true and I figured it was time. Booknerd..I find myself in a similar situation, I am at the end of my rope, so tired of the lies and the hiding of the alchohol and drunken stupors, and the blaming. The worst part is he doesn't feel that his drinking is affecting our marriage or our kids. Everytime I swear it will be the last time i let him ruin something, I just need to find the inner strength for it to be the last time, I hope I can find it. And Wisconsin said earlier that when addressing older kids you need to find that delicate balance between to much and not enough info and that is so true, I have a beautiful 13 year old and much like your 14 yr old I am sure she knows way to much of what is going on, and while we are so wrapped up in our own issues of day to day life we take for granted them. She had problems at the end of school last year where she actually was threatening to cut herself and then I knew I had a problem. That poor girl was internalizing our problems! She is doing better now, she is in counseling and her and i talk a lot more but I am still stuck in what seems to be this hopeless rut. I know I will probablly have to leave for my sake and the sake of my kids but it is such a hard and stressful descision...
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Old 09-26-2013, 10:13 PM
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I ended up having to leave with my 2 daughters, ages 5 and 9. I talk to both of them about alcoholism. Their school guidance counselor has been a good resource. I also found some books for kids at one of my al anon meetings. I make sure the girls know that dad loves them and I absolutely do not talk negatively about him around the girls. They have surprised me with their resiliency even now that he has relapsed.
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:29 PM
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In addition to the great advice given above by Wisconsin, try talking to a school guidance counselor. We had peer groups sorted by issues being covered, and I was in a group with other kids of alcoholic and divorced parents. That provided a place for me to feel safe outside of the home. Sometimes it's just easier for kids to talk to each other, and it makes them more likely to come to you once they've bounced it off their peers. The counselor may pick up on things you miss at home, too. It's worth a shot, but definitely notify the school that there are some changes in the family dynamic, so that they will be prepared to respond, if necessary.
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