LightInside

Hi Everyone,

I am really feeling that I should not see my ex anymore, but I don't know who I could ask to be a liaison for us exchanging our child. I have many friends who are reliable and responsible, but they have their own lives and schedules. My biggest concern is that I am usually aware of when my ex has been drinking, so I know whether he's safe or not to leave my son with. I am afraid that someone else might not be able to tell.

Also, I went to see a free lawyer just for legal advice at a legal clinic. She told me what I need to get in order to request supervised visits only for my ex, but then I talked to friends who gave me a reality check: He will probably just say, "'LI' is mad at me because I broke up with her and she's just trying to get even." He will also be able to bring up anything he can think of to make me look bad and I am starting to get scared. I'm a bit of a slob and a hoarder, though I am excellent with my son and other children. I have documented numerous occasions where I thought my son was unsafe with his dad, but I've never called CPS on my X (I should have).

Any hints or suggestions. I am not going to get better while I am worrying about him and my son.

Thanks,
LI

Florence

Your friends are not professionals. Your lawyer is. Listen to the lawyer, not your friends. Your friends' legal advice is literally worth nothing, unless you're friends with a bunch of people who *practice* family law.

And remember, your ex can say ANYTHING. Mine certainly did. Mine accused me of drugs, orgies, and an endless string of men in and out of my son's life. When the court asked him to prove it and for me to answer the accusations, they found nothing. Zero. Because he can and did say anything, because he's not that bright and it just wasn't the truth.

So you keep a messy house? So what? He's a ******* alcoholic.

fourmaggie

#1 boundary for me is not handing my child over to a drunk...

keep a journal...

Wisconsin

Yes yes yes! I used to have distant relatives and old acquaintances call me periodically, wanting to know if someone could *really* sue them for something. My answer is always "you can sue someone for anything." You might get thrown out of court on the first day, but anybody can pretty much sue anybody else and say whatever they want. That's true in any court case, whether it's divorce or not. At some point I had to detach myself from the lies and turn the whole situation over to my HP. My ex wasn't an A, but he was totally irrational and crazy in other ways. Fortunately, enough of the real truth came out on its own, and enough people figured out what my ex was doing, that his lies and threats became meaningless.

Only you can decide whether you will go NC, and/or get certain protections written into a court order. But deciding to accept an unacceptable status quo because you are afraid of what will be revealed about YOU could put you and your child at risk in the long run.

LightInside

I just called an Al Anon friend and she was very helpful. I had a big fear that my ex would never forgive me, but she said he wouldn't anyway, because he's an alcoholic who's not working any program.

It's not like I have boxes stacked to the ceiling or rats running around the house. All of my appliances are usable. However, I do have my journal of things that my ex has done that were unsafe. Also, being that he's a narcissistic facebook addict, there is stuff that I can print from there that shows he has a drinking problem (and even admits it).

Keep up with any words of encouragement though! I need it! <3

LightInside

You know, I also read somewhere on line (like a forum or somewhere) that if I don't say something about his alcoholism when we establish the parenting plan, then the courts can later say, "Why didn't you say something about this before?" So, I know I just have to do this.

Wisconsin

This is the precise reason why we should always, ALWAYS tell our attorneys absolutely everything. An attorney may choose not to make an issue out of something, but he or she must have all the information to make an informed decision about strategy. And be sure to DOCUMENT what you tell your attorney. I sent my divorce attorney a long email detailing my now ex's behavior. She certainly charged me for reading it, but MONTHS later tried to insist I had never told her something. I was able to point right to the email I had sent, and the bill she sent me where she charged me for reading it.

But don't be afraid to show your attorney everything, warts and all. An attorney cannot be an effective advocate for you without the whole story.

LightInside

Thanks, Wisconsin.