I'm stepping back into recovery after broken engagement
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
I'm stepping back into recovery after broken engagement
It's been about 2 years since I've been active with this wonderful community. I've lurked on here from time to time to find inspiration among you all but have slipped off my recovery path completely within the last year.
My relationship with my ABF has taken a 180 in the last 2 years. Two years ago, he was in the throes of addiction, had made a mess of his life, created chaos in my life, and then moved back to his hometown, states away, to receive the help he needed with the support of his family. I was left both relieved that I could "cleanse" our once-shared apartment and create my own happy, healthy, and serene place to live, but also reeling from the void he left in my life. Soon after he moved, he called to tell me he needed for us to take a break in the relationship so he could focus on his recovery. He returned to drinking just a few months later. I felt like I had the world ripped away from me but eventually got myself into Al-Anon, into therapy, and created an invaluable network of support and love around me. The level of healing that took place in my life was completely transformative.
My A refused any contact with me. At first this was very difficult and painful, but it eventually became a relief, especially after it became clear he was drinking again. I finally realized I had a choice about whether or not to engage in his alcoholic behaviors. We went through a period of about a year and a half without contact (or any meaningful contact, anyway).
About 10 months ago, my A called me. It was early in the morning and he lives three time zones earlier than me so I knew something was up. Something compelled me to answer his call. Now, I've heard him say many times that he will never drink again, but what I heard on the phone that morning was something completely different. Somehow I just knew he really meant it. He was scared and just wanted to talk. And we did. We talked all weekend. We talked through those first few difficult days. He got himself back into AA that very day, started therapy, got himself an amazing sponsor and has since changed his life completely. He's approaching his 1 year mark and has been a daily inspiration to me.
During this year, we've reconciled. This included him coming clean about all of his messes that occurred both while we were together and separated. It has been incredibly painful and I haven't always dealt with it with emotional maturity and grace. It hasn't been a pretty process at times but it's been worth it. While I never thought in a million years he would be where he is today (although I've hoped and prayed daily for his healing and recovery), and while I never thought I would ever marry an alcoholic, we were engaged 4 months ago. Our relationship was strong and healthy.
Except...
I still continued to struggle with his cheating and lying during his drinking days and continued to hold onto that. I became increasingly frustrated that I couldn't let this go. I have not been back to Al-Anon in about a year and I had "forgotten" how to use the tools of the program. I let this resentment fester and it came to a head on Sunday. I wore my fiance down with guilt trips over the last few months and he finally broke. He exploded in an emotional outburst that is very uncharacteristic of his true self and reminded me of his alcoholic self. It was very alcoholic behavior. Was he "justified" to be upset. Yes. I've been undermining us with my resentments. But he took his outburst to extreme and terrifying levels which I had never seen from him before. He felt the urge to pick up a drink but he ultimately did not (thank GOD). He immediately broke off the engagement and our relationship.
He let me know yesterday that he is hurt and is taking time to sort through things before he talks to me. I'm not sure what is to come of this. More will be revealed.
Have I failed him? Us? Myself? Absolutely. Healing from infidelity is tricky and ugly business. I held that resentment over him for way too long. I constantly reminded him of his behavior while a sick, actively-drinking alcoholic when I should have used that energy to appreciate the person he is showing me he is today.
While I wish I could go back and redo the last few months, I can't. But I can return to my recovery. Maybe it's too late to help out my relationship with him. Maybe I really did do enough damage to lose him forever. But it's not too late for me. Today I'm trying my best to remind myself that I have been affected by his drinking and still need both this community and a meaningful participation in Al-Anon to continue my healing journey. I found that I really had only known my A while he was an active alcoholic and that the way I respond to him now is much like I responded to him while he was drinking. The memories of living in the past kept retriggering me to behave in my old pre-Al-Anon days.
It's great to be back in here and in recovery. I know it's progress, not perfection. What I haven't been able to honestly say in the last few months is that I've made any progress at all. But I am grateful to be on that road once again.
Thank you, all.
My relationship with my ABF has taken a 180 in the last 2 years. Two years ago, he was in the throes of addiction, had made a mess of his life, created chaos in my life, and then moved back to his hometown, states away, to receive the help he needed with the support of his family. I was left both relieved that I could "cleanse" our once-shared apartment and create my own happy, healthy, and serene place to live, but also reeling from the void he left in my life. Soon after he moved, he called to tell me he needed for us to take a break in the relationship so he could focus on his recovery. He returned to drinking just a few months later. I felt like I had the world ripped away from me but eventually got myself into Al-Anon, into therapy, and created an invaluable network of support and love around me. The level of healing that took place in my life was completely transformative.
My A refused any contact with me. At first this was very difficult and painful, but it eventually became a relief, especially after it became clear he was drinking again. I finally realized I had a choice about whether or not to engage in his alcoholic behaviors. We went through a period of about a year and a half without contact (or any meaningful contact, anyway).
About 10 months ago, my A called me. It was early in the morning and he lives three time zones earlier than me so I knew something was up. Something compelled me to answer his call. Now, I've heard him say many times that he will never drink again, but what I heard on the phone that morning was something completely different. Somehow I just knew he really meant it. He was scared and just wanted to talk. And we did. We talked all weekend. We talked through those first few difficult days. He got himself back into AA that very day, started therapy, got himself an amazing sponsor and has since changed his life completely. He's approaching his 1 year mark and has been a daily inspiration to me.
During this year, we've reconciled. This included him coming clean about all of his messes that occurred both while we were together and separated. It has been incredibly painful and I haven't always dealt with it with emotional maturity and grace. It hasn't been a pretty process at times but it's been worth it. While I never thought in a million years he would be where he is today (although I've hoped and prayed daily for his healing and recovery), and while I never thought I would ever marry an alcoholic, we were engaged 4 months ago. Our relationship was strong and healthy.
Except...
I still continued to struggle with his cheating and lying during his drinking days and continued to hold onto that. I became increasingly frustrated that I couldn't let this go. I have not been back to Al-Anon in about a year and I had "forgotten" how to use the tools of the program. I let this resentment fester and it came to a head on Sunday. I wore my fiance down with guilt trips over the last few months and he finally broke. He exploded in an emotional outburst that is very uncharacteristic of his true self and reminded me of his alcoholic self. It was very alcoholic behavior. Was he "justified" to be upset. Yes. I've been undermining us with my resentments. But he took his outburst to extreme and terrifying levels which I had never seen from him before. He felt the urge to pick up a drink but he ultimately did not (thank GOD). He immediately broke off the engagement and our relationship.
He let me know yesterday that he is hurt and is taking time to sort through things before he talks to me. I'm not sure what is to come of this. More will be revealed.
Have I failed him? Us? Myself? Absolutely. Healing from infidelity is tricky and ugly business. I held that resentment over him for way too long. I constantly reminded him of his behavior while a sick, actively-drinking alcoholic when I should have used that energy to appreciate the person he is showing me he is today.
While I wish I could go back and redo the last few months, I can't. But I can return to my recovery. Maybe it's too late to help out my relationship with him. Maybe I really did do enough damage to lose him forever. But it's not too late for me. Today I'm trying my best to remind myself that I have been affected by his drinking and still need both this community and a meaningful participation in Al-Anon to continue my healing journey. I found that I really had only known my A while he was an active alcoholic and that the way I respond to him now is much like I responded to him while he was drinking. The memories of living in the past kept retriggering me to behave in my old pre-Al-Anon days.
It's great to be back in here and in recovery. I know it's progress, not perfection. What I haven't been able to honestly say in the last few months is that I've made any progress at all. But I am grateful to be on that road once again.
Thank you, all.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
why did you leave AL ANON?
we are in AL ANON forever...its within us...
resentments that is where you are at...take this time and get back to AL ANON
this is a lifestyle...and it works for me--now i spot the crazies coming to me...and RUN!....
we are in AL ANON forever...its within us...
resentments that is where you are at...take this time and get back to AL ANON
this is a lifestyle...and it works for me--now i spot the crazies coming to me...and RUN!....
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
meh.
I would not beat you up over this.
They are still all the same person.
aint really no such "his true self and reminded me of his alcoholic self."
All one package, all one person.
It is not like a magic fairy wand comes by or something.
The behavior may change, and then again it may change back.
Nothing you do or do not can control that.
If you do not want to live this particular guy's history and crap . . . then don't.
I would not beat you up over this.
They are still all the same person.
aint really no such "his true self and reminded me of his alcoholic self."
All one package, all one person.
It is not like a magic fairy wand comes by or something.
The behavior may change, and then again it may change back.
Nothing you do or do not can control that.
If you do not want to live this particular guy's history and crap . . . then don't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Maybe...just maybe...he isn't the right guy for you and your intuition is telling you this with your uncomfortable feelings about his behavior in the past.
Maybe this isn't meant to be, and your true path is beckoning.
I say this with great kindness and understanding, because I have been there, and often we are so focused on the forest that we don't see the trees.
Will going back to Al-Anon help you in such a way that this relationship will flourish and be your ideal? Probably not. But it may help you better identify your own relationship needs and better evaluate if this guy is the one who can meet those.
Keep coming back,
~T
Maybe this isn't meant to be, and your true path is beckoning.
I say this with great kindness and understanding, because I have been there, and often we are so focused on the forest that we don't see the trees.
Will going back to Al-Anon help you in such a way that this relationship will flourish and be your ideal? Probably not. But it may help you better identify your own relationship needs and better evaluate if this guy is the one who can meet those.
Keep coming back,
~T
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