anona

My husband quit drinking 2 years ago. Or at least he says he did (now I don't know what to think). Come to find out, he started up again. He says it was just over a month ago... and it may have been... or maybe he started sooner or never stopped at all. I thought I knew him. I thought the one thing I could count on in our relationship was his honesty.

I feel so deceived, humiliated, hurt, STUPID. How could I not know? Why couldn't I smell it? The doctors at the ER could smell it but I couldn't. They must have been laughing behind my back. He took money from me. He planned his drinking and hid the bottles and made up stories to cover it and drank a lot of coffee to try to hide the smell.

I really didn't know. There was ONE day a few weeks ago that I knew something was up (though I thought drugs, not alcohol, even though I don't think he's ever used other drugs) but he made up such an elaborate story about it that I believed it. But all the other times, I was clueless... frustrated with his inability to communicate and odd behavior but honestly he ALWAYS acts odd and is hard to communicate with (he also has ADD & depression) and now I'm not sure how much of that is HIM and how much is him being drunk and maybe he has been drunk the entire time I've known him!!! Or maybe he is telling the truth now and this is just a relapse (and he is just a bit odd).

I can't trust him with our child. I feel like I suddenly have 2 kids now and no partner. I am overwhelmed with all the logistical stuff that this is causing. I depended on him for so much, not just emotionally but practically too -- cooking/laundry/childcare/providing/etc. And physically I struggle, I've been on disability for awhile now & am just recovering from many months of treatment for a life-threatening illness. I don't have it in me to step up & take over the responsibilities he can't be trusted with and the ones he won't have time for while he's in rehab. But I don't have much choice.

I am not mad about the drinking... sad, scared, worried, but not mad. I am angry about the lies and secrecy and deception and his horrible judgement with our child. I don't see how I can ever trust him again -- but I want to.

He says he stopped. He says he wants help. He is going to AA every day and starting outpatient rehab. He seems genuine. He is a good person with a million great qualities. He is not a mean drunk, he doesn't blame others, he seems to be taking self-responsibility. I don't see him as hopeless, because in many ways he functions quite well and has a good heart. But I am so scared it is all a facade and a lie and he is still drinking and I don't know how I'd even know since I couldn't tell before.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, anona. Your story is so similar to mine--and our stories are so similar to so many others here. I felt like an idiot for not knowing, also. The wise folk here told me "of COURSE you didn't know or suspect! He is your husband, you trust him, you believe him." So you are NOT stupid or oblivious.

Like you, I felt that the drinking was perhaps not a problem, but the lying, secrecy, etc., WAS. I learned that this is all part and parcel of the addiction of alcoholism.

This is a lot for you to be hit with. Your world is likely seeming upside down right now. That's OK, take some time, breathe. You don't have to make any changes right this minute. Take some time to educate yourself about alcoholism and see what you're up against. Read the stickies at the top of this page. Read as many threads here as you can.

I strongly suggest Alanon for some real-world support, too. Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ I use both Alanon and SR and find they complement each other very well.

Again, welcome to SR, and know that you are NOT alone and you are NOT a fool for not realizing what was going on. Be gentle with yourself, educate yourself, and find support for yourself. In time, the fog will clear and you'll know which way to go.

anona

I am thinking of Alanon but don't have time right now... at least I feel pretty strong emotionally, pretty grounded. I guess I just want to know the truth and believe the truth. He seems genuine in his desire to stop and I just hope I won't look back on this and feel like even more of a fool for believing he would stop.

honeypig

Glad to hear you feel pretty strong and grounded--many surely don't, so you have a leg up in that regard.

As far as not having time for meetings/recovery of your own, let me say this: You don't have time NOT to work your own recovery. Many here have found that just removing alcohol from the equation does not fix the problems. Your A is working a program, which is GREAT.

But you admittedly are having a hard time letting go of HIS recovery, which is HIS. That alone is something you would likely find value in working on.

Whether it's Alanon, daily time spent on SR, reading the books suggested here, or some other source of support or therapy, I would again strongly suggest doing some sort of recovery for yourself, even though you may not think you need it. I don't think you'll see it as time wasted, in the end.

anona

I've been in therapy for a long time. I haven't been in a couple weeks but will go soon, once the intensity of this dies down a bit. I will keep Alanon in the back of my mind -- right now it's not just the time but the lack of local meetings & having no one to watch my son. I tried an online meeting but I must have been in the wrong place/time because no one was saying anything. If there is a good online meeting, please point me in the right direction!

I am also confused about Alanon's purpose. If I didn't know about the drinking then how is the drinking my problem??? I don't get it. I know I have "issues" I need to deal with (both related to my husband and other issues) but I don't get why I need to "recover" from his drinking. And I am supportive of his recovery, but also realize that only he can do it, I can't do it for him or motivate him to do it if he's not ready. At the same time, I am invested in his recovery because he is my husband and the father of our child and I care about him deeply.

I don't know, feel free to knock me over the head with a 2x4 if I sound like I've got my head in the sand...

hellomynameis

Anona, AlAnon isn't about the problem of drinking for either your or the addict. It helps you learn how to deal w/ yourself in a different way. And most AlAnon meetings do not have a problem w/ brining children.

Please check out the website link above...you may find some words of wisdom or help on the AlAnon website that resonate with you. I think you have the wrong impression of what AlAnon is all about.

I go to NarAnon meetings...my qualifier (The person who I relate to who is an addict) is a cocaine addict in recovery. I find that the NarAnon and his NA meetings compliment each other very well in many ways. We each have to learn how to live with his addiction, (Which is a disease and will never go away no matter how long in recovery he is..I am sure you know this) and I really have gained a good deal of peace from the fellowship of these groups.

And yes...here is the 2x4...hit yourself in the head..sounds like you already are and don't know it.

honeypig

I think hellomyname is said it pretty well! I also find it has made a difference in my life in many areas, and really, almost none of them are directly related to alcohol but instead related to how I live my life, how I relate to the world around me and to what I feel responsible for. It has been very freeing for me.

Don't know if you saw this thread already today? Maybe some part of it would resonate with you. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nderstand.html

As someone in the thread mentions, it is certainly not mandatory to go to Alanon; there are other options. However, for a lot of people, it DOES do a lot of good on a lot of levels; plus it's free. Many meetings offer child care for a donation of $1 per child, too.

soberhawk

I do know I come from the other side, but I do to some extend know both sides of this addiction coin.

I do not think you should underestimate how hard it is worry for someone you do not know whether is telling the truth. It is a emotional rollercoaster with hope, disappointment, worry, powerlessness, introspection it just goes on.

It is hard.

Do take care of yourself.

anona

Thank you for the encouragement to try a meeting, after reading your responses I looked at the meeting schedule again and found one at a time my friend can watch my kid... so I am hoping to try that next week. I also didn't know I could bring my child...

honeypig

When you go, please post and let us know how it went for you.

Regarding bringing your child, yes, Alanon is pretty accomodating--the groups are made up of people like us, so they understand where we're at and what problems we face!

I'm glad you were able to get a little more understanding of what Alanon is and does, and I hope you find growth and support there.

dandylion

anona, With an active alcoholic in the family--the alcoholic becomes the most important person in the family (as the problems emerge). Whether or not he/she is drinking is of prime concern. After a while, the toll begins to be felt by the other family members. Quite often, by the time a spouse comes to SR or walks into an alanon meeting--they are at the end of their "rope", they are hurting and they are stressed to the max. Often confused and feel alone and helpless.

Those who suffer collateral damage from the alcoholic behavior need attention, too. Just as the alcoholic gets help from their own program. They need understanding friends --who can validate their feelings--who can help them become strong and confident and invest in them. For many, this is the first time anyone has put them first--in their whole lives!!!

The family and loved ones of the alcoholic are as worthy of care and attention as the alcoholic.

No one is saying that you HAVE to go to alanon---but, the help and caring is there. But all those who love an alcoholic need love and attention and care from somewhere.

sincerely,
dandylion

anona

I guess the thing is, I've been putting "me" first for a long time now. I was the center of our family's attention, first with my chronic illness and my own mental health issues and then with cancer... now I am the "healthy" one (sort of... still recovering from chemo... but more mentally healthy at least) and in many ways it only makes sense that now he will be the center of attention for a while. But I guess I have to make sure not to lose myself in this or neglect myself. It is already a challenge to find ways to meet my own needs without relying on my husband. It is so frustrating that I used to be able to go out & do whatever I wanted/needed to do & trust my husband would be taking care of our home & our child. And now I have to always be there & always be on guard. It would be good to connect with others who can understand some of this.

So I am aiming to go to Alanon next week. I'll get back to therapy too as soon as I can figure out childcare. My husband is starting outpatient rehab next week & I am grateful (but afraid to hope) that he seems so willing to work on this. I'm bringing our kid to therapy to deal with this too. I don't fit into this "caretaking" role easily, that has always been my husband's role in our family, and it is hard for me to be taking on so much more now.

BobbyJ

I know I had a hard time making it to Alanon classes too.

But this site was a life-saver to me and helped me in so many different ways than a actual class did.

I think the part that helped me the most was...when people didnt have to look me in the face and just wrote on this forum of "the REAL truth" of how much in denial I was, or how irrational I was thinking..

In person, people tend to "tip toe" with their words and being hard headed as I am.. hearing the truth sucks and irratates me....but it tends to make me learn and it allows me to change.

Plus, this site was at my finger tips late at night (usually the time of day that my life slows down and I have time to think about the whirlwind I went through today)

That relapse...is his problem and what YOU do with it, is yours!
I SO understand you and your feelings...I really do!!!

anona

So I did make it to Alanon today. It was more uplifting than I expected. At the same time, it was hard for me to share because I was so afraid all my anger & resentment would come spilling out, and spoil the overall positive mood. It didn't seem like the right time/place to share what I needed to share. So I didn't say much. I do think I'll go back next week.

Husband started rehab this week. I don't know how it's going, he hasn't said much (not that we've really had much of an opportunity to talk about ANYTHING!) I am feeling acceptance of this being his journey, but I am so glad he's choosing to try rehab right now.

One thing that's bothering me... despite how relieved I am he is getting help & how much I want to be supportive, I find myself feeling a bit resentful too. I guess part of me envies his ability to check out of parenting/daily life/etc. and spend hours every day working on his issues. I never had that ability, even in the midst of going through some huge stuff of my own and (non-drug/non-alcohol) addiction stuff, I still had to parent, still had to take care of the house, etc. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to stop going to rehab and AA meetings, it's just hard picking up all his slack at home and trying to stay sane!

Recovering2

I think your feelings of resentment are normal at this stage. I was angry and resentful when my ABF entered treatment. Yes, I was relieved he was there and wanted his success more than anything. But while he got to check out of life for 3 months and focus 24/7 on him, I was here taking care of everything. It was through AlAnon that I finally let that go (it took many months!).

Keep going to AlAnon, you'll share when the time is right. Until then, listening to the other shares will help you.