dandylion

Sadconfused, I think that is referred to as "gaslighting"---trying to make someone believe something did or did not happen (when that is not the reality of it).

I wish you an uneventful weekend.

Keep the faith, baby.

dandylion

amy55

So glad you got the jeep back, and also that you had a 2nd car seat.

Also wishing you a safe, happy and uneventful weekend.

Looking forward to hearing from you this weekend if you get the chance.

Here for you........................

kadidee

Sadandconfused, I just want to reaffirm your insight that this is not a normal situation, and you are so right that you can't just simply tell him that you want to leave. As you said, normal rules don't apply here, and you have to do whatever it takes to get yourself safe. And, you know him better than anyone and know how he reacts to things. Trust that instinct.

My mother-in-law called repeatedly when I left my ex. I should have just never returned her calls, but felt obligated to 'explain' myself. She yelled and yelled at me for leaving him like I did. I told her all of the scary stuff that had been going on, and she said, 'you are right, kadidee, what he did was wrong, but you are at fault too because you left him all alone like that. You should have just sat him down and explained to him that blah blah blah". What. Ever. That conversation upset me so much because I so wanted his family to understand my side (that's my co-dependence rearing its ugly head). Looking back now, no matter what I had done, they never would have understood. And, there is no way that I could have just told him I was leaving.

You are doing great in all respects. Just keep moving forward and trust your gut. Hugs xx

Sadconfused

Morning everyone,

I am alone on a SATURDAY!!! For a few hours at least. He is gone to help a person from work paint his house or something. I dont even know what to do with myself. Its also my dads 66th bday so I need to take my daughter out to get him a card and little present.

Pretty uneventful night, went and got the kid a halloween costume and food. She had fun, me and him sat in silence most of the time. Its just so uncomfortable now.

The other DV place called me back yesterday afternoon while I was on the phone with him, she left a message and I called her back right after but got VM again, left another message so she should call back monday sometime and I can make another appointment. Just ready for the weekend to be over.

kadidee

Good morning, sadandconfused. Thinking of you today and hope you're doing okay. Hugs.

Sadconfused

Morning everyone.

Im doing ok, i guess. Feeling really nervous for some reason. Having an internal moral debate with my heart and my head. I hate wanting to do something and feeling like i cant only because i am not allowed. I have a headache, today is one of those days when i feel like hiding from the world.

dandylion

Hi, Sadconfused. You don't have to hide from us! Do you care to talk about what you are not "allowed" to do? I, personally, know how bad it feels to think you are being controlled by someone who does not have the right to do so.

I am, also, no stranger to the "Monday Morning Blues"---LOL.

dandylion

Sadconfused

Lol, Mondays really are the worst. I dont know why but they are.
He has been mostly nice and not to bad which actually feels like it makes it harder. I wish he would just be the jerk all the time so i didnt have to feel the back and fourth with him.

I feel like im not "allowed" to have the life that I want to have i guess. I want to move on and do things i want to do and i cant without either a) just flat out telling him that i am basically just pretending to want to be with him because i feel like i have to for many reasons (fear, guilt, etc) or b) leaving. For some reason this morning all of a sudden i felt this overwhelming anixety and loniness. I am really starting to feel the effects that having to pretend with him is costing me. I feel physically ill over it. I feel like i should be allowed to just tell him how it is now, how i feel. Not to try to change him but for me i guess but as much as i want to I think it will just provoke him. I dunno, im trying to sort it all out. He said some crap last night and i said well you know if you really feel that way then why are you still here? He said cause he has no where else to be. It bugs me, he knows me, he is using that as manipulation but at the sametime he probably really does kind of feel that way. It just irritates me that i am still sitting here wasting time when i could be somewhere i want to be, somewhere i am actually wanted for the right reasons. Im tired of bailing on people i care about because im not "allowed" to see them yet here i sit.....

AnvilheadII

since you are now in contact with the DV folks, as hard as it may be, now is NOT the time to open up a can of worms with him. you can share that HERE, in safety.

you ARE allowed to do what you want and need to do for you. i know that's hard to believe, but it IS true. keep taking those steps, keep in contact with the DV hotline, small SAFE steps.

dandylion

Sadconfused, what you want is normal to want. It is normal to want to have your own life!

dandylion

amy55

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
this

It has been coming on for awhile now, you are almost there. I know, you can probably see it, you can almost touch it, it is very close now.

Don't rock the boat now, don't let him know that things will be changing.
When you make your move, do it with the help DV can offer you. Do it safely.

That normal life that you want is just around the corner. It's not too far away!!!!!!!

If you let on now, that you want change, he can begin to make things difficult for you. Like disabling the car, accidently taking your car keys, following you around.

Vent here all you want. It is safe here.

(((((((((( hugs )))))))))

dandylion

Sadconfused, I just want to say, also, that I think it is important to play your cards "close to your vest", in the name of your own safety---just as Amy said.

The folks at the dv center hold the best chance of leading you, safely, out of the situation that you and your daughter are living in. Perhaps, you can, at least make contact and get your next appointment set. At least that would give you the "boost" that you got some rubber o n the road, today.

Patient, yet persistent; baby steps; progress, not perfection.....

We are rooting for you!!

dandylion

Sadconfused

Perfect end to my cruddy day. He is currently in a bendryl induced coma after i noticed his face was blood red and his neck, back, and chest were covered in hives. His breathing was short and shallow. He is allergic to it, ive told him a thousand times. There have been nights that i have literally poured bendryl down his throat while he was passed out and its happened. Before this he started to quack and get aggressive, thinking back every time he has been violent or blackes out has been followed directly after by this allergic reaction. I honestly give up.

I have another appointment tomorrow at 1, my daughter is suppose to go to the daycare cebter. Still nervous about that but i am going to ask her if ahe wants to stay there or not, she is luckly big enough to decide and if she does stay i am going to ask that she be brought to me if she gets upset. Kinda over protective but its scary for me to leave her. I decided last night that i am going to completely spill to this counselor, what do i have to lose. There has been stuff i just havent spoke of because its easier for me to deny it when i dont have to hear others reactions to it.

I know now isnt the time, its hard to wait. I have been wanting this for so long, my patience is running low. My heart is broken but not for abf anymore, i still feel bad he is doing this to himself, i am still angry that he has done what he has done to me but my heart no longer aches for what we were, i dont want that back anymore. At somepoint i am going to have to be honest with him about that. My fear and guilt has made me instantly tell him what he wants to hear, i felt like i had too. I do have too. I dunno, ready for tomorrow.

amy55

Hey there

I just checked in tonight before I was going to go off to bed, did not expect to see you posting.

Sounds like you have had it tonight, but the night is over, he is sleeping, you have the appt tomorrow.

I'm here with you and I will be as long as you need it tonight.

amy55

OK, now that I got that out really quick, so that you know that you are not alone lets talk about tomorrow. There is someone here that posted to you about this day care, child care. It was Jessicajoe, I believe, don't know if I got the spelling right. She went through this. She said that they just really play games and entertain your child. They will bring her to you if she becomes upset or asks for you. I know this can be hard to do because all moms are mother hens. It will be OK.

There is time enough to tell him exactly what you think, once you and your daughter are safely away.

What else would you like to talk about tonight. We all know you don't need to talk about him, he is an a$$ and we all agree. (lol)

Sadconfused

I honestly think she will be fine with the daycare, it should only be an hour or two anyways. It will be me that struggles to focus lol.

I am just really sad, im want to just go cry and i cant because she is still up and i dont want to upset her. I am so frustrated that i have no one in my everyday life to be here for me. None of them care, unless they need something and then as soon as they get what they need i dont hear from them again until the next time the need me. The one person who dowsnt do that i cant see and even he is losing faith. Ive just had it. Im sleepy but i cant sleep, im hugry but i cant eat. I just dont want to be here anymore, i want to leave like now. Its taking everything in me not too. The only thing holding me still is i really want to go to this appointment tomorrow and try to figure out some stuff on custody laws and what rights i have to just up and leave first.

I really know its just right there and i need to just slow it down some but i am so fed up and he will wake up and expect me to believe his whole omg i really am allergic, i am going to slow down. I really feel like punching him in his face, for getting me so wrapped up that i screwed my life up, and then ripping it all away again recently when i finally found a little peace. I feel like i am paying such a big price for someone who is well as you said an a$$.

amy55

Ok, now when you go there tomorrow I want you to know this, the federal government is furloughed. Now DV places run a lot on donations, state funding, and federal funding. All the places that they might refer you to are also state funded and federal funded. It might seem like they can't give you definite answers, because agencies are shut down, and they don't know when this furlough thing might be over, just keep the faith. This furlough will be over soon and the funding will be there.

So what were your goals? You wanted to leave, and you want to become independent. You have a great education, and there are jobs for you. You last worked about 2 or 3 years ago. You are still very young, you might need a little rehab learning to bring you up to date. You have SNAP. You are eligible for other benefits to help you get on the right track.

You are going to do Ok.

Sometimes we get anxious and nervous when we finally figure out what we want. I guess scratch that one, who isn't anxious and nervous when embarking on a new life. Sometimes we let our fears hold us back. Fears of the unknown, fears of actually depending on our own selves. But sometimes, when we look at these things, we realize that what we had feared is what we had done all along.

I think you are going to do really great tomorrow and you are going to have a lot more of your questions answered so that you will know the right path to take. This is a whole new beginning for you and your daughter.

Talk to you tomorrow

amy55

I'm listening and I do care.

amy55

I was trying to catch up on everything since we were both posting at the same time.

amy55

I think you are doing really good right now. You are trying to hold it all together until you get some answers to your questions. That is really good. Make a plan, get the plan together, then do what you need to do.

I know that I left my marriage many times, but I did not have the plan in place, I had no answers, and I ended up going back.

I'm here for you. I care