Do we play the martyr?
 

Everytime I try to explain a fact that my AGF has not come to terms with the terrible things she has done (cheating, financial household crisis, etc..) to those close to her (barely now working on step 4 after 18 months sober) and stating all the things I had to put up with and take care of the past 10 years of our relationship, she immediately always calls me the martyr. ????

Now I am by nature a very UN-selfish person and do NOT perform acts for others out of personal gain. Being a codependent, am I really playing the victim here?? Or is this just the A using her blame shifting and manipulation techniques to make me feel guilty? Isn't it in fact true, that we codependents ARE victims in all this? So how does the truth make me a martyr??

I, for one, know that I have played the role of martyr. No doubt, I was victimized by my A. However, my own illness of codependency caused me to hang on to that martyr role and wear it like a badge sometimes. Really, it was only after I started focusing on myself and acknowledging my own issues, that I faced that reality. The recognition of my willingness to be the martyr happened only when I got a few layers deep in understanding my codependency.

I don't know if I would ever take my XAH calling me martyr as constructive criticism that I would embrace.

Just my $.02
Hugs,
MamaKit

I totally agree with MamaKit. I have played the martyr role many times, and used it to justify my own unhealthy behavior. That said...if my AH calls me a martyr and complains about my "issues," I know that those comments are coming from a place of deflection for him. So for me, I take my own inventory on my co-dependency and need to keep myself in a victim role, because it's what I need to do for myself and my own recovery. NOT because my AH has declared that I am this or that or the other thing. An A is bound to quack a truth every once in awhile, even if just by accident. Doesn't mean he has any unique or special insight into me. :e070:

I guess if someone repeatedly tried to explain to me all they had done and sacrificed for me over the last 10 years, my first question back might be, "If you feel you have sacrificed so much, why on earth have you stayed?" Which might, in turn, lead me to wonder if that person wasn't, in fact, embracing the martyr role in an effort to make me feel guilty.

Now, I am not an A, or an RA, or anything but a codie by nature, and I too have tried to explain to the A's in my life all that I have felt they failed to appreciate I have done for them, so I know where you're coming from. But at some point had to ask myself the question, "If I feel I have sacrificed so much, why on earth have I stayed?"

What I am getting at (in a very belabored manner, I apologize) is that you can try to make her understand until the cows come home, but in the end, she is ready to hear you or she isn't, and you can either wait until she is and see what happens (because you have zero control over it), or start making choices towards your own happiness and security no matter what she does or doesn't do.

Sending you strength and patience.

It is not your job to take her inventory. She's working the steps, and is early in that. Hopefully she will come to the realization of her past as part of that work. Focus on you. Focus on your role in the relationship. Whatever the reason, it was your choice to "put up" with her behaviors.

Believe me, I was you when first going through all this. I wanted my RABF to recognize every painful thing he did, and make amends for it. I had to learn it wasn't my job to punish him for the fact that I chose to put up with his behaviors and all the associated pain. That was on me.

Maybe as she works the steps in AA, you could focus on working the steps in AlAnon. Both of you can focus on your own respective recovery.

This is so very true! Thanks for sharing this--it's exactly what I needed to see today.

Dear dshonwood---maybe..just maybe....you could ask yourself if this is a relationship that gives you what you need in a relationship.

Certainly, I don't know the answer to that (LOL)---but, I am suggesting that you could ask yourself that question--and see what answers you get.

Even in recovery, not all relationships make it.


dandylion

stating all the things I had to put up with and take care of the past 10 years of our relationship,

ALL the things i HAD to put up and TAKE CARE OF in the past TEN years. um yeah, that does sound a bit martyrish. because you make it sound as if YOU had NO choice. and yet you did. you chose to stay, you chose to take on a life with an active addict, you chose to take care of everything, for 10 very long YEARS and feel like you are now owed something for it.

you put up with the cheating.
you put up with the financial crisis.
you had other options. once she cheated on you and you found out about it and didn't immediately NIX the relationship, you bought in. you gave an implicit nod that it was somehow ok. when the finances were going in the toilet, you could have extricated your own $$ from hers and preserved your own financial situation, but you "allowed" it to continue, which again implies consent at some level.

instead of looking at all HER failings, why not take a good hard look at yourself...the choices YOU made and what your own motivation was for making them. see this really isn't about her....and her failings....

I read this the other day....

"It's what we think we know that keeps us from learning"

reflecting back on my five years with an active alcoholic, I can honestly say, every time I accepted the unacceptable, I personally was responsible. The minute I tolerated his choices and actions, I was setting myself up for the NEXT round of bullsh*t. And as we all know, there IS A NEXT TIME.

I had free will, I could have chosen to walk away at any time, yet i stayed because I thought I was a good positive influence on him, I knew what he needed and what was best for him. Pretty sure you already know how this all turned out.

Personally, I have zero need to sit back and dwell/ or talk about the past, and recall what I did do, or gave up for him. That was all ME, and my complete lack of education regarding addiction.

When we chose wisely for ourselves, good things happen..

Why?
 

Why do you try and explain? Her recovery is none of your business, and yours is none of hers.

If you really want to understand what is going on with you, begin attending Alanon meetings. Try six meetings before giving up on it. If you are serious you will do this, if not... then the shoe fits, so wear it.

Take care,

Cyranoak

I appreciate everyones honesty. I completely understand where everyone is coming from and hope I can take that information and turn it into something positive for my recovery. :tyou

Yes, I did choose to put up with it for one reason or another, that is on me and me only i can see ( I am guessing for the children - she had 2 from a previous marriage and we have 2 together). Maybe I felt as if I would have been abandoning them if I left the AGF as we work opposite schedules.... she is home during the day and works nights, so during those hard times I was the primary caregiver for homework, dinner, baths, etc... in the evenings after my job.

I did try to make some Al Anon meetings in the beginning but got very discouraged as every meeting I could find was about 40 women over the age 55-70. Dont get me wrong they were very sweet and considerate, but i felt i could not relate to them and they could not relate to my generation as well. Hopefully I can find others in my area that can relate to my generation. (I am 42 and AGF is 36)

Again, I really appreciate all of your comments! :tyou

I would suggest as I do often that you seek out some advice from those in nar-anon and al-anon....their literature and the step work that they do can unravel the mystery of who you are...

One thing I would also suggest, simple - if she calls you a martyr -and you don't like it - just tell her to stop calling you that. You don't like it.

Boundaries..set them!

I'm not sure I'm following right. You demand to be recognized as the victim and you are not sure why you are being called a martyr?

Read Al Anon pamphlet entitled Alcoholism Merry-go-round Called Denial. You can google links to it online. Explains everyone's role in the family and how this enables everyone to stay sick. Don't feel bad that the A won't acknowledge all you have done. It's their denial, defense mechanisms. We have all been where you are now. We understand how hard you tried to keep it all together. Good luck.

Go back. Open your eyes. Think about this a minute -- "you" (or me) "relating" and advising you is not such a smart idear is it? If we were so smart -- why would we be in this mess?

I have come to understand those older ladies (my Alanannies, as I call them) are pretty much God's Angels on Earth, and I really have to tell you that you would be wise to listen and heed what they tell you. They have been through this crap and more, and came out by God's Grace.

Unless you want to keep living in the crap you are in, of course. It is familiar after all, no?

========

Meanwhile, to answer your question -- the word for what you are experiencing is not really martyr, it is more like toilet paper. Let me tell you the story I tell my kids to explain . . . .

----------------------

A Bear and a Rabbit are out in the Spring eating berries. After awhile both had to take a dump. The Rabbit goes to edge of the woods and poops out his little poops. The Bear comes over and lets the crap fly. And then rants, "I hate the way this S**t sticks to my fur!" The Rabbit mentions that it does not stick to his fur. The Bear looks over at the Rabbit and says, "In that case you will not mind . . ." And the Bear grabs the Rabbit and uses the Rabbit as toilet paper . . .

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I would suggest you get back to Alanon and learn how to quit being the Rabbit.

Willing victims - no one forced her to drink, and no one forced you to stay.

She's working on sobriety, she did terrible things and that makes her a terrible human being, but it won't help to make her feel guilt. She's likely repressing guilt for her own sanity. It's up to her to make amends and take responsibility for her actions when she reaches that point. Not for you to force upon her.

What step she's working on in AA is not for you to judge. She works those steps as she can, maintaining her sobriety. She does these steps for herself and her sobriety, not for you. She didn't drink for you, and she didn't quit for you.

How will it benefit her to have her defense mechanisms torn down?

4 m's don't - mother, manage, manipulate or martyr.......My part is my reaction......:gaah What is it about me that puts up with it ? Am I a people pleaser ? Why can't I set a boundary ? Boundaries are for "US". Boundaries keep us serene, secure, and safe.......
:headbange N:cries3:ot victims- volunteers......

Perhaps the lesson in this is that, unless we are prepared to hear the 'truth' about ourselves, don't dish it out about others! For every hurt I could list about my XAH, I'm sure he could list one, if not more, about me.