dejavue

all i can say is i am stupid....
My recent ex and I have been back and forth for years, in and out, due to drinking.
a few years ago when he moved out, i cleaned after he left and found girls panties under the bed... I cried, and threatened, time went by and i forgot.
I had let him back after about 9 months. he went to recovery and i had forgot about the incidence.

Well after he came back sometime went by and I found panties again stuffed behind this mirror that is just leaning against the wall. i aksed again and was told the dogs dragged dirty clothes around the room. uh-huh ok....i didnt kick him out then. I watched closely.

well as usual some time went by and he went out binge drinking, scared my children, not his, and i went to church and they helped him move out, and go to recovery.
he stayed away a month, 30 days sober, he came around, very nice, very sweet, going to church, involved in church, we started having dinners together, he started doing my lawn. i got diagnosed with cervical cancer and he stepped up and helped. I had surgery one week ago, he stayed at the house, took me to hospital, stayed with me, helped me home and day after, the best caretaker ever, nurses at hospital said i was so lucky.
2 days after surgery, he went to his house, brought back some of his laundry and then mixed it with my girls laundry... i ended up folding laundry the next day, seemed innocent, but only he had a pajamma bottoms and t shirt, fast forward a couple of days, this past sat, finally feeling better, i went to his truck to look for a receipt and found my daughters underwear in his center console. OMG, she felt violated, i felt violated, i cant make sense of this, helpful, and caring just days before, and then this.

i talked to my church, they are helping me and supporting me and my daughers. i cant get over the hurt and pain and excuses. i cant get over how i was starting to trust again and almost opened my heart to him again.

Flicka57

Dejavue:
Not sure but ask your doctor if they tested the tissue from your cervical surgery for HPV. I developed cervical cancer & determined it was caused from a STD (HPV). Turns out later I found out my AH now exAH was frequenting escorts & having affairs. I did not find panties--I found hotel keys. Please get blood-tested for all possible STD"s fast. Sorry but you may be dealing with what I was. Place a tracker on his vehicle. You owe it to your life to find out what is going on.

pinkdog

Hi dejavue, I'm glad your church is helping you. I think everyone is going to say to protect your daughter. You are in my prayers too.

honeypig

dejavue, perhaps I'm dense, but I'm not totally clear--do you suspect he has actually sexually abused your daughter, or is it that he is using her underwear as some kind of "prop" for his fantasies/illicit activities?

Either way, he clearly needs to be out of your lives for good. Your daughter may benefit from therapy or counseling in addition to the church support you say your family is receiving. Not sure how old this daughter is, but this site Pandora's Aquarium might be of use if she is an appropriate age.

It seems this man has betrayed you time after time, and I hope this time you find the strength to keep him out of your life forever.

dejavue

I spoke to my dr about the hpv, she said it is very common, i told her i have been on and off with him. she did blood work for std's and everything else.
surgery last monday was a hysterectomy everything but my right ovary removed. tested and now i am cancer free. I had the ex go to the doctor and he had blood drawn and checked and he is clean, at that time a month ago things were good between us. He goes to the VA and they didnt call him to go back in.

I think the panties are a prop, something sicko, but my kids undies, distgust me. I remember finding some porn years ago, on the computer but none recently.

this all went down since sat, i am trying to go back in time and piece different things together. I am still off for recovery. I have time to sit and think.

My daughter talked to our pastor and knows there is an open door policy and they are just a phone call away. she said she is ok now, feeling protected.

I am praying for strength to keep him out, I am doing anything I can to keep him out and away. Even though he is not my girls dad, his family is close with us. I have spoke with his dad and sister about what happened, I told them we cannot come for holidays if he is there, they questioned me about why i have given him so many chances, I cant answer that except that, when he goes to church, gets involved with church, volunteers, works hard, and going to bible study and christian recovery and 60 days sober, i have gone to 2 meetings with him, I let him around, i did love him, how do you unlove. He helped soo much at the hospital, the nurses were amazed, the doctor was amazed, my kids were amazed, my older daughter boyfriend amazed at how good he was surgery day and day after, he fooled all of us. wow, we were really fooled.

he went to bible study on wed, he went to celebrate recovery 60 days on thurs, and on sat to find my 15 yo daughters undies in his truck. i confronted him, he looked at me and was expressionless, nothing to say, i came in and asked my daughter if it was hers she said yes, i grabbed the laundry that was here, his soap and bleach, threw it in his truck, got my house key back and tried so hard to not slap the **** out of him, he kept looking down and said nothing.

the rage within me was insane, I lost faith in God, how can someone look so good, do good and yet do this.

my pastor prayed with me, i am trying so hard, the church is our mediator, the church has set boundries for him.

but yet this morning, he pulled up text me his raincoat here, i found it, put it in bag and threw it on front porch, locked the door and he grabbed it.

GoingAlone2

Whether he actually abused her or was just fantasizing with her undies, he has some major issues. I hope your daughter is ok & that he hadn't reached that point yet. I would get a restraining order for you & your daughters.

Recovering2

He has shown you over and over again who he is....believe him! He has issues beyond alcoholism. You can't change any of that. You can only change you.

ShootingStar1

dejavue, this must be a very shocking thing to discover, especially just after surgery when you are not in top form.

I am very concerned about your daughter. How old is she? If she has been molested, she may have been threatened not to say anything or you or she will be punished. It is so important that she be removed from all contact with your ABF immediately, and helped to understand that no matter what happened or didn't happen, it is safe to reveal it all, and it is important to share it all so that she can be free of the emotional damage and recover.

As a child who was sexually abused and never spoke about it, it impacted my entire life. Your daughter needs to see a professional in sexual abuse and talk with them.

I am so very sorry that this is happening, and send you my empathy and best wishes.

ShootingStar1

honeypig

This is the most important thing, I agree. Being "supported by" one's church won't take the place of counseling/therapy from someone who specializes in sexual abuse. I mean no offense to the church, just that they are likely not equipped to fully deal with this as a professional.

I was also abused and did not talk about it for over 30 years. As shooting star says, that can do some serious damage. Please make sure your daughter gets help now so she doesn't have to look back in middle age at years of unhealthy behavior generated in part by this type of abuse.

ZenMe

He may not have been cheating on you with other women but rather "enjoys" women's underwear. If the first 2 pieces weren't your daughters he may have stolen them from other women. Your mother, your sister, a friend, etc.

Hopefully he has just been stealing undies vs actually molesting your daughter. Either way you need to protect yourself and your family. Maybe it's time to break off all contact, and I mean ALL contact.

dejavue

All contact now broken, i threw his jacket on front porch. He left. no calls no texts.
I spoke with my daughter and no physical contact, no inappropiate touching has happend, she said she would have told me.

I went to church because it is christian based, because there is such a strong support close to home and because I have no other family or friends in the area other than those from church. One of our pastors has a degree in christian counseling. No other sexual things have happened.

thanks for the support

Recovering2

I'm glad you have the support of your church. I would offer that you need more. You yourself posted that you keep going back to this guy...why? There is work you need to do in order to figure that out. AlAnon will help you take a long hard look at your participation in the chaos of the merry go round you've been on with this guy. It also has a spiritual base, but is definitely different that church counseling. I've done it all....trust me I know. YOu have nothing to lose by trying it.

dejavue

I am not trying to make excuses, each time he came back, he did more. When he was drinking, he wasn't going to church or volunterring. He started doing that. He went to aa. We had an argument about money 60 day ago. I went to church, they moved him out, sponsored him, got him to celebrate recovery, he went twicw a week. No mor drinking. He started to call me and then do my lawn, I wasn't physically able to, I had my dd bf ding it. So I let him and then I fed him and slwly his dirty clothes were here, he would do a load while doing yard work. I had to have surgey and he helpped. He also added a men's bible study. I thought there were active changes in him. I was blown away at what I found.

The church was proactive with him with assist with his alchol, so I went back. I am truly done with him and have learned from my misakes.

I need no man for company. I need no man for dependence on income, I need no roomates for income, I got burned on that as well. I aam moving forward and will find a counselor, I will continue with church and activities, But men, not so sure to trust that again. Its me and my kids going it alone, dinner is fine but that's it.

DragynLady

It sounds to me like you have your head where it needs to be, you're protecting your family, and doing the right thing. I hurt for you... such a betrayal is beyond the pale, and makes no sense to any parent, ever. I'm glad that you have taken the steps you need to make sure your daughter gets the help she needs and wants.

One day, you may heal, and find room in your heart for someone else. BUt if you're like me, you're gonna have standards so high it'll be hard to fill them.

dejavue

everyday get easier, dont get me wrong, i worry about running into him, i worry about him randomly driving by but i know as time passes that will lessen as well.
I went to bible study last night, i was worried about leaving my kids home, but they were fine, I didnt run in to him at church, thank god....
I have talked with his dad girlfriend, she called me to check on me post surgery, she told me his dad doesnt want him to come back there to live with him again, neither his dad or his dads girlfriend plan on helping him anymore.
we reap what we sew.
we talked that it is so sad that he can do things like this, and lie, and just use people and take no responsibility for their actions. we both agree that he will most likely start drinking again, a shame after we think 60 days sober.
but i was assured that me and my girls will always have them as family. ( i said as long as he is not around) she said of course.

FireSprite

This happened to me with one of my BFF's ABF..... ugh. The 4 of us shared a house but they had a violent relationship so we moved out pretty quickly. After we moved & RAH returned to get some of our stuff, he found a box of my underwear & lingerie in the BF's closet that he had been snagging out of my laundry while we were at work, along with some pics he had stolen from our photo albums. I found out from her later that he enjoyed dressing up in women's lingerie but she never knew he had been stealing much of it from me. Talk about gross.

I hope it's nothing more serious than some twisted perversion with panties.