Some days I feel crazy
 

And I can tell you because none of you will call and have me committed. :lmao

I'm not losing my mind. I'm not a danger to anyone. Scout's honors.

But some times, some days, I can get this feeling of utter unreality.
I did when I was married to an A, too.
Then, I would feel like "this must be a nightmare because there is no way my life can be this miserable" -- and I think it was a coping mechanism of some kind.

Now, I can get panic attacks and think "this is probably just a dream and I will wake up and still be married to AXH." It's like I don't feel like I deserve the life I have without him. (YES I'm struggling with keeping the kids' heads above water but holy mackerel, it's SUCH an incredible difference living without addiction & abuse!)

Can anyone relate?

Same here-I finally got to a counselor who specializes in PTSD & it is helping, please try. I have an exAH who stalks me through email and mail and I can't prove it's him & maybe not but I'm afraid to open my emails sometimes because they come from created accounts, so I can't trace them and they call me all kinds of names, so believe me I kept thinking what is going on am I crazy but showing the documents to the counselor and going through each item & how to deal with it has been tremendous. I have no insurance and I found this program through a church--ask around you may find something similar to help & NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY--just got away from a crazy-maker I'm sure.

Lillamy, I am in a similar situation, but without the kids to raise.

Having grown up with an alcoholic father and psychotic mother, I think I learned as a child to always be on alert, and to watch for "the other shoe to drop". And it always did. It was just a matter of when, and what it would be this time.

Now, divorced since June and finally working out how to get out of my joint ownership of our house with my XAH, I am so much happier and living in so much more peace.

But often, especially when I am tired after doing too much for several previous days, or after dealing with my much recovered XAH, I have an emotional slip and go back into that highly worried, unreal state of mind. Then, although I know I've made rational choices to the best of my ability, I doubt everything I've done on my own. And I worry that doom will soon appear.

It's that hypervigilance and self-doubt that my childhood trained me to feel so well and my relationship with my husband reinforced and amplified. It's almost like a "default" setting on a phone; without being aware of the transition, I just go back to how I used to respond when I am stressed.

It takes some real hard thinking and sometimes a couple of days and a visit to my therapist to get back to living in what is real right now.

You worked so hard to get where you are, and you deserve EVERY good feeling about your life now. This is where you live. You are not crazy. You have lived with severe abuse and trauma in the past, and their effect can linger. You don't have to bring those old fears and terrors forward. You don't ever have to go back there, and neither do your children.

I'm reading a book by Dr. Peter Levine that is about releasing from trauma: In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness that might be helpful to you and your kids. It is really opening my eyes and helping me to heal from the PTSD.

I am beginning to think that I am not dealing with the aftermath of a divorce from an alcoholic husband as much anymore as I am trying to "re-set" my emotional responses after a lifetime of abuse and PTSD. I think it's a step forward, but it sure can be difficult. I am trying to truly absorb that my life now is mainly peaceful, fulfilling, and contented, and that the blips are just that blips - not a redefinition of my emotional life back into constant trauma.

ShootingStar1

ShootingStar1

Dear lillamy, sounds like possibly you MIGHT be having brief, transient dissociative reaction.

Maybe just google dissociative reaction and see if anything resonatesf with you.

dandylion

Thank you guys -- I will google, dandylion (even though googling anything medical always scares the snot out of me) and Shootingstar, I have the book in my amazon cart now, it sounds well worth reading.

You are not alone lillamy...I read somewhere once that those who have lived with and loved an addict have been through a war. So many of us have very, very deep scars from this.

I would like to chime in also b/c I am "Dating" an addict. And I can hear you all growing and nashing your teeth at my saying "RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!"

And you are right.

The 1st month we dated - he was clear over 140 days clean. And he was delightful. Really in tune w/ himself, his emotions. Had a great program was working it. And seemed to be clear headed and more so that most non-addict boyfriends I have dated.

The 2nd month we dated - he fell off the wagon HARD. He brought me down in ways I can only say were catastrophic. And I too felt and still feel like I am loosing my freaking mind. I sometimes feel like I am being terrorized by the fear that everytime he texts, or calls, or we see each other, I am going to looking for signs he is using. And that I can't control my emotions for ANYTHING not just him anymore.

So the 3rd month we are dating - the distance sets in. And the anger of what this thing has done to me has set in. And I am seeing a doctor for depression (history of) and pain.

The truth is though - what this has taught me is this -I am first and foremost an ADDICT myself - to my drug of choice and to codependant relationships. I am control freak. I want to control his recovery and it sucks for him and for me.

I have learned these lessons the hard way and in a very acutely painful way.

Are we still dating? He is in control of that - and that is what most scares me right now. Its all in his addicted hands now. I have detached. And that is what most amazes me. How little I really care about what he does and yet what he does still drives so many emotions of mine. (IT IS CRAZY MAKING I TELL YOU!!!!)

I can relate to those days. Sometimes I find that I can't decipher which is reality. How could all of that craziness really have happened? Surely I must still be married to XAW and I am the crazy one, imagining all that has happened. It's like my mind developed a "tick". Like its a needle skipping on a record that just can't quite get to the next song. I KNOW what reality is but there's a part of my brain that says it isn't. I have to keep myself calm, trust what I know IS reality, sometimes go through the timeline of "evidence" that I know to be true.

When I was still married to her, in the peak of the chaos, none of it seemed real, but I was in survival mode and it really didn't matter what happened, I just had to cope with it and wait for the next thing to happen. Now that we're divorced and I am out of the madness, the thoughts have time to blossom. Thankfully they never seem to last too long. When they do come I know I have more work to do! There were times in the midst of the divorce I had to just not think about it and do the next best thing, whatever that was.

(((((lillamy)))))

This November will be 5 years I have been out of the crazy dysfunctional situation with my exah.

It's been a few months now - but every so often I have that dreaded nightmare ~ you know ~ the one that you dream you are back in that same situation ~ living with your exah again ~ but i still remember everything about my life now. I keep saying this is not my life anymore, I left you and don't live here anymore!! My ex just laughs and says what are you talking about? You are never getting out.

I always wake up crying. It takes me a while to readjust and remember I live in a very PINK world away from all that pain and insanity.

I immediately have a gratitude list for where I am today.

please take good care of you ~ I hope you feel safe & sane soon ~

pink hugs!

Oh Ms Pink, I know that dream. *shudder*

[QUOTE
Then, I would feel like "this must be a nightmare because there is no way my life can be this miserable" -- and I think it was a coping mechanism of some kind.

[/QUOTE]

Can I get an AMEN?

AMEN! I feel this too! My Dr. told me I'm suffering from a mild form of PTSD and it takes a while to recover. I've had several major life issues to deal with in the past years, but my son's alcoholism put me over the edge. What a nightmare ride it's been. Counseling and AL Anon have helped me in addition to an antidepressant, but I still have times .....

I have dreams occasionally where my AM and I have knock-down-drag-out fights where she wins. She makes me feel so stupid and insignificant, and I scream and scream til I'm.blue in the face... but nobody reacts to help me. Everyone sides with her because I'm so horrible. Sometimes I get violent and throw things at her while she's making fun of me and embarrassing me in front of the whole family. Yep, 20-some-odd years of living with an alcoholic parent will *$@! you up in so many ways.

You know how I know you're not crazy?

Crazy people don't think they're crazy. :)

I can certainly relate.
When the kids Dad relocated over seas it was really really full on raising the kids 24/7 but it was also peaceful because I didn't have to deal with his abuse or disruptions or behaviour disorders.

I still have the dream too, heck just last week. Scared the crap out of me and i didn't sleep for the rest of night.

How odd - only separated last week and had nightmare about xabf last night win came round to see me and acted like we were still a couple - he had lost weight, grown loads of wart type things on his face and his eyes were mega blood shot. Woke me up and kept me awake for rest of night - I didn't realise I had nightmares to look forward to as well!!
I get flustered easily and on a daily basis when having to deal with more than 1 thing and panicky. I can relate and realise this is only since I was with the ex!
Alcoholism - the gift that keeps on giving! :-/