readerbaby71

I had posted yesterday about my anxiety but worked through it and was feeling much better. I had a half day at work, drove my coworker home and was thinking about cleaning my apartment when i got home (this always helps stress). When I was pulling into the alley behind my building, a bicyclist was at the end. I waved him on, and he started waving me on, yelling at me, and called me a c***. I went and gave him the finger. He started screaming more and I screamed back. This is something I usually do not do. I am not into road rage or screwing with anyone and just ignore. Anyway it escalated, and he ran up to my window, spit on it and started punching it. He finally went away and I was shaking. Hard.

Yes, he was an a-hole, but I was really surprised at how I let it get to me and spewed out my own anger. A woman who was walking by came back after he left and asked if I was okay. I apologized for acting so badly. She said he was a nut and out of control, but I feel like I was too.

I went upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom. Cried hard for about 20 minutes. My boyfriend knocked on the door and when I came out and hugged him I lost it. Told him I hadn't been feeling good for about three days. That I've been feeling lost and alone. Honestly it has nothing to do with him. I have worked really hard for years on my mental health and I'm losing it right now. I feel like all the strides I've made are gone. I have been hearing that depressive voice telling me I'm a loser and nothing I do will ever be good enough.

I know some of it is situational, but it's also my bipolar disorder/SAD rearing its ugly head because the seasons are changing. I need to get to my shrink quick.

dandylion

readerbaby, I would just point out, (gently), that your post about anxiety, yesterday, was exclusively about your boyfriend........I guess that I am somewhat surprised that, today, you say that your recent moods have nothing to do with him.

Of course, I am in complete agreement that if you have a history of bipolar disorder---to attend to that!


dandylion

Lyssy

Sounds like you are on overload and need a small retreat or reprieve. Can you get away for a day or two to try and get yourself balanced?

I know it is not always that easy, but it always helped me to be able to step away from the crazy for a bit and realign my thoughts.

Two Sunday's ago I was upset and unsettled. I decided I was going to go to a garden shop across town that I had always wanted to go to. I got in my car, put on some good music decided I was going to take all back roads (took me two hours to go about 35 miles).

It turned out that it was a very pleasant four and a half hours of stress relief for me. Every time I let the thoughts and anger reenter my head, I refocused back on the music and drive. I even found a beautiful war memorial that I stopped at and walked around. It was quiet and peaceful.

readerbaby71

Dandylion, I was thinking about that, but he's doing good in his recovery, being conscientious and considerate toward me, and I'm the one obsessing on little things and the "what ifs?". What can I do? I made an appointment with my psychiatrist for Friday so hopefully he can give me some good suggestions on how to cope right now.

Florence

What are your hobbies? Do them. What do you want in your life? Do that. What makes you really happy? Do more of that. What do you for yourself that you find comforting? Do that too.

Part of recovery, for addicts and F&F alike, is finding the joy in little things like a full night of rest, a walk outdoors, a clean home, things that we can't or don't make time for in the using life.

Things I like to do, your mileage may vary: Cook a nice meal (over the last year with my ex-chef husband's absence I taught myself to cook pretty well), wear cozy clothes, take a bike ride with my kids or find another way to exercie, get coffee/tea, look at flowers and trees (yeah, yeah), sit on the deck talking with friends until the wee hours, make stuff, paint, craft, knit, and go to bed early. I love thrifting and have developed my knowledge of a few focus areas of vintage stuff over the last couple of years.

I am not someone who thinks of myself as having my sh*t together. Other people think I'm someone to watch, which cracks me up. I'm an ex-scenester kid who used to find comfort in things like getting loaded, putting on a mask of makeup, clothes, metal and tattoos, and I always put the scene and the people in it before meals, sleep, and my authentic feelings. It was more important to feel hot than feel validated and loved, to feel cool than to cry when I was sad, to put on a face of disinterest and nonchalance than celebrate when I was happy, and to get involved with other people's crap than to stay home when I needed self-care. I adopted other people's anxiety and problems to avoid taking care of my own. I had terrible anxiety and my problems piled up behind me and instead of dealing with them, I moved on to the next thing. I'm still that kid deep down. I still have all the tattoos and the dark humor (and plan to get more). But my needs come before others now.

What you're aiming for here, by refusing to focus on your boyfriend's progress or lack thereof in favor of your own progress, is not just "getting a life", it's learning how to live your life with your own best interests in mind. Developing these kinds of habits and self-care rituals staves off the depression and anxiety and helps you manage the bipolar disorder. Same as your boyfriend does for his alcoholism.

Sometimes beginning the process of managing the depression (I have the "I'm a loser" loop too) is as simple as putting on your shoes and sitting outdoors. If that works, take a little walk. I like the bike because I go faster and get the wind in my hair. You have to find ways to make your brain pump out the feel-good chemicals. Exercise, food, and sleep do this. If this isn't enough, and you've thrown yourself into it with dedication, discuss it with your medical team.

readerbaby71

Florence, are you me? I like to do many of the things you do. Taking walks with my dogs helps, a good cup of tea, cooking is a huge stress reliever for me. I guess over the past few days I've just fallen into the mindset of f-it, who cares? This is a dangerous place for me to be. It's pretty simple-- throwing myself into the things I enjoy will help me get back to stability. Last night I went to bed about 8:00 and woke up feeling a bit better today. It's supposed to be nice all weekend so I'm going to get out in nature as much as I can. Thanks!

Wisconsin

Cooking is a big stress reliever for me, too, and it actually provided me with one of my very first opportunities to assert myself in early recovery.

My mom, bless her heart and rest her soul, always HATED to cook. And she would always say to me how bad she felt that I "had" to come home from working all day, and cook a meal. For years she would say that, and co-dependent me would just accept her statement, totally unable to voice how I actually felt. After I found Al Anon, she made that statement to me, once again, on the phone. I told her very gently but very clearly that I love cooking, I enjoy it a lot, and it is generally NOT something that helps my serenity for someone to come in and do the cooking for me (every once in awhile, it's nice, but 99% of the time, I enjoy cooking so much I would prefer to do it myself). That was such a huge breakthrough for me--being able to identify the things that brought ME joy, AND articulate it to someone else (particularly someone with whom I had been co-dependent for a long time).

Florence

Heh. When I get The F***-Its, I know it's time to put all that self-care stuff back in motion.