My daughters face tonight...what do I do now??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by kwaka 
It was the look on my daughters face tonight that stopped me in my tracks. She knew!!
Man sees daughter, such as you did.
He freezes that scene into his mind. Brands it into memory.
Then, add another scene. Now, years later, daughter is standing in the aisle, getting married, looking at father.
Who she chose as a husband was vastly influenced by what she saw of her father, growing up.
What did that man want, for his daughter?
He decided to show her what a husband should be like. Show her how to choose a man who will be a good father, to her children, to his future grandchildren.
The man had a fork in the road. One fork showed his daughter dual parental abandonments. To accept things, that she got what she got, and had to live with it.
The other fork showed her how to manage her life, push for goals. Have standards, focus. How to identify things that are not right, seek experts in solutions, listen and educate, act, and make progress. Make tough choices, take challenging action, push for better, accept only what is acceptable.
That guy taught his daughter how to choose her future husband.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Yeah, I thought this too...
Originally Posted by kwaka
Just to be clear...there is no possibility of violence or any physical danger in our home....but how do you talk to a 9 year old about the Alcoholism of the most important person in her life without making things a whole lot worse??
I did the same things, and I manifested avoidance too. I live with the guilt of it every day, and our now 18 year old daughter lives with the consequences of living in an alcoholic home with a drinking mother and a codependent enabling father. It began when my daughter was 4.
Protect your children. Protect your children. Protect your children. That means taking care of yourself so you can care for your children, and that means leaving your wife to take care of herself (which you seem to already get).
I know these decisions are tough and heartbreaking. I had to make them too.
Alanon can help you. It helped me stop making bad decisions, and helped me to start making good ones. I am so "educated and smart," it took me far too long to start Alanon, and to accept that the people there knew more than me when it came to my situation.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Kwaka
Hello and welcome aboard. I hear you on the "paradigm shifts" and things "crashing around you". I'm still in the early stages of realizing the extent and implications of my partners addiction.
As you read and learn you will come across the three A's...... Awareness Acceptance and Action.
I think you've perhaps just had a heavy dose of Awareness and for me that feeling sucked.
Some very kind friends here on SR told me it was okay to "breathe" for now and come to terms with that Awareness. I understand you may not have the luxury of unlimited time when you want to take whatever action is best for your children, but please do give yourself time to digest and process the discoveries you are making.
I am reliably informed that Awareness is actually the first step in everything getting better.
I wish you well
Hello and welcome aboard. I hear you on the "paradigm shifts" and things "crashing around you". I'm still in the early stages of realizing the extent and implications of my partners addiction.
As you read and learn you will come across the three A's...... Awareness Acceptance and Action.
I think you've perhaps just had a heavy dose of Awareness and for me that feeling sucked.
Some very kind friends here on SR told me it was okay to "breathe" for now and come to terms with that Awareness. I understand you may not have the luxury of unlimited time when you want to take whatever action is best for your children, but please do give yourself time to digest and process the discoveries you are making.
I am reliably informed that Awareness is actually the first step in everything getting better.
I wish you well
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Kwaka,
welcome & I am so glad you are reaching out for help
not only for you but for your children.
There are many resources to help a family affected by the disease of alcoholism - al-anon, alateen, counseling, SR, church counseling, recovery literature, and plenty more ~ please seek out what is best for you & your family.
I finally sought help for me, but my greatest regret is that I did it after my daughters were grown. Today I see how the effects of being brought up in an alcoholic/addict and an untreated al-anon home brings unhealthy behaviors in their lives.
I share my recovery with them (al-anon) but as adults they have to find their own way now.
The most heartbreaking part is how my precious granddaughters are affected ~
Our actions or lack of action affects many ~ the choices I made to get healthy I hope will one day help my daughters & granddaughters. They are exposed to it now, I can only imagine how much more it would have helped them had they been given those tools at a younger age.
I hope you are able to find what recovery method works for you and can share it with your children.
Wishing you & your family the very very best ~
pink hugs
welcome & I am so glad you are reaching out for help
not only for you but for your children.
There are many resources to help a family affected by the disease of alcoholism - al-anon, alateen, counseling, SR, church counseling, recovery literature, and plenty more ~ please seek out what is best for you & your family.
I finally sought help for me, but my greatest regret is that I did it after my daughters were grown. Today I see how the effects of being brought up in an alcoholic/addict and an untreated al-anon home brings unhealthy behaviors in their lives.
I share my recovery with them (al-anon) but as adults they have to find their own way now.
The most heartbreaking part is how my precious granddaughters are affected ~
Our actions or lack of action affects many ~ the choices I made to get healthy I hope will one day help my daughters & granddaughters. They are exposed to it now, I can only imagine how much more it would have helped them had they been given those tools at a younger age.
I hope you are able to find what recovery method works for you and can share it with your children.
Wishing you & your family the very very best ~
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by kwaka
The complicating factor (there are so many of course...but this is the big one) is that my AW works in Mental Health (oh the irony!!) in our local community and there is a very high likelihood our family issues will become public if I rock up to our local church for a meeting...the very same one our kids go to school at.
I actually don't give a damn about what people think of me or our family you understand..its not about appearances...but my wife's professional standing would be compromised and I'm just not sure I can do that to her.
I actually don't give a damn about what people think of me or our family you understand..its not about appearances...but my wife's professional standing would be compromised and I'm just not sure I can do that to her.
HER alcoholism is causing your children to suffer. HER alcoholism makes you stay at the office late! HER alcoholism is what will keep HER bottomed out. This is HER problem. If HER job suffers (HER family is already suffering), it's on HER!
It will catch up to her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I love everything that has been said in this thread!
I don't remember all the specifics of the book, because it's been a lot of years since I read it. But when my parents told me about my mom's alcoholism, when I was a young child, they did it with a book called "My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease". I remember it talking about the issue and reinforcing that it wasn't my fault and that I was still loved. I think it was a nice buffer. It didn't seem quite so personal. It also gave me the opportunity to read and understand at my own pace to some extent. I'm not saying it makes everything easy, it's just how they broke the news to me. (Even though I pretty much knew already). I'm not sure how much it may have changed in 25 years or so, but you might give it a look.
I don't remember all the specifics of the book, because it's been a lot of years since I read it. But when my parents told me about my mom's alcoholism, when I was a young child, they did it with a book called "My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease". I remember it talking about the issue and reinforcing that it wasn't my fault and that I was still loved. I think it was a nice buffer. It didn't seem quite so personal. It also gave me the opportunity to read and understand at my own pace to some extent. I'm not saying it makes everything easy, it's just how they broke the news to me. (Even though I pretty much knew already). I'm not sure how much it may have changed in 25 years or so, but you might give it a look.
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