I have a question to ask.................
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
I have a question to ask.................
These may be a stupid questions but here it goes -
How do you not let someone's harsh word's or them telling you one thing but doing another affect you? Isn't that allowing them to walk all over you? Then why set boundries?
ok - If your husband says he's coming home at 10:00pm and comes home at 3:00am without calling should you be mad or just let it slide becasue you've set yourself up to be mad knowing that he has never come home at the time promised before. Would that be an example of - I set my expectations too high? But if that's true - Don't I have the right to expect someone to do as they say they're going to do? So why would I let it slide because in my opinion that's disrespectful?
I let my A's words affect me all of the time. I don't know how to not let it. I'll obsess over things he says for sometimes - days. I need some serious help!!!!! Sometimes I think I'm not happy and comfortable without all the drama in my life. I've never really known any different until now. Now, I don't have any drama - maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go. I don't know.....any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening......
Galnva
How do you not let someone's harsh word's or them telling you one thing but doing another affect you? Isn't that allowing them to walk all over you? Then why set boundries?
ok - If your husband says he's coming home at 10:00pm and comes home at 3:00am without calling should you be mad or just let it slide becasue you've set yourself up to be mad knowing that he has never come home at the time promised before. Would that be an example of - I set my expectations too high? But if that's true - Don't I have the right to expect someone to do as they say they're going to do? So why would I let it slide because in my opinion that's disrespectful?
I let my A's words affect me all of the time. I don't know how to not let it. I'll obsess over things he says for sometimes - days. I need some serious help!!!!! Sometimes I think I'm not happy and comfortable without all the drama in my life. I've never really known any different until now. Now, I don't have any drama - maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go. I don't know.....any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening......
Galnva
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Galnva
It is hard to NOT react when they behave so badly. Our boundaries only protect us so far, the pain still sneaks through sometimes.
When my son lived at home, I had two rules rearding those things. The first was that as soon as any conversation, no matter how important or urgent, turned into an unpleasant situation, whether by loud words, or quiet sarcasm, it was OVER. I would walk out mid-sentence sometimes, but I would remove myself from the conversation. He knew that when he was prepared to speak in civil, respectful tones, I was willing to listen for as long as he wanted.
The second was that he had a curfew...he's 34 years old for goodness sake..but I was not prepared to have one more sleepless night waiting up, and it was impossible for me to sleep until I knew he was home. It was his "choice" to live at home, and he knew that my boundaries had to be respected or I could love him just as much living anywhere else. I put a "deadlock" on the door, and when the curfew time came (it varied depending on circumstances, but he always knew what time he was to be home) I would put on the deadbolt. He knew that didn't mean he could come back in the morning (so stay out all night)...it meant he could come back in the morning and pick up his things on the front porch.
He knew I meant it and was never late.
I don't know if this works for everyone - a partner may be more difficult because it is their house too, but I would try it. If it were my husband, I would do the same thing.
Hope this helps a little
Hugs
Ann
It is hard to NOT react when they behave so badly. Our boundaries only protect us so far, the pain still sneaks through sometimes.
When my son lived at home, I had two rules rearding those things. The first was that as soon as any conversation, no matter how important or urgent, turned into an unpleasant situation, whether by loud words, or quiet sarcasm, it was OVER. I would walk out mid-sentence sometimes, but I would remove myself from the conversation. He knew that when he was prepared to speak in civil, respectful tones, I was willing to listen for as long as he wanted.
The second was that he had a curfew...he's 34 years old for goodness sake..but I was not prepared to have one more sleepless night waiting up, and it was impossible for me to sleep until I knew he was home. It was his "choice" to live at home, and he knew that my boundaries had to be respected or I could love him just as much living anywhere else. I put a "deadlock" on the door, and when the curfew time came (it varied depending on circumstances, but he always knew what time he was to be home) I would put on the deadbolt. He knew that didn't mean he could come back in the morning (so stay out all night)...it meant he could come back in the morning and pick up his things on the front porch.
He knew I meant it and was never late.
I don't know if this works for everyone - a partner may be more difficult because it is their house too, but I would try it. If it were my husband, I would do the same thing.
Hope this helps a little
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Here we go round the boundary bush,
the boundary bush,
the boundary bush......
This is always a great subject. In my experience, the only boundaries that work are the ones I set for myself. Like Ann. If the conversation gets out of hand SHE will walk away. If the house curfew gets broken, SHE will lock the door and oust the perpetrator.
I tried to set a boundary for Dino once. "Read the AA or NA book, or get lost." (Not even "go to meetings"... just "read"... and he loves to read!) So he made a big show of xeroxing one page and hanging it over his desk and used the rest, I suspect, as rolling paper. It was a silly "boundary" because a) how could I know, give a quiz? and b)what was I gonna do about it? Never speak to him again? He knows better than that and I should have.
Great post.... ladies and gents!... tell us about boundaries that work!
Hugs,
Smoke
the boundary bush,
the boundary bush......
This is always a great subject. In my experience, the only boundaries that work are the ones I set for myself. Like Ann. If the conversation gets out of hand SHE will walk away. If the house curfew gets broken, SHE will lock the door and oust the perpetrator.
I tried to set a boundary for Dino once. "Read the AA or NA book, or get lost." (Not even "go to meetings"... just "read"... and he loves to read!) So he made a big show of xeroxing one page and hanging it over his desk and used the rest, I suspect, as rolling paper. It was a silly "boundary" because a) how could I know, give a quiz? and b)what was I gonna do about it? Never speak to him again? He knows better than that and I should have.
Great post.... ladies and gents!... tell us about boundaries that work!
Hugs,
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
Okay, I'm new. So I don't know of this will be helpful or not since I am a rookie.
I go through this all the time, am I being unreasonable or not.
Do you stay out until 3:00 AM? would it be okay if you stayed out until 3:00 AM?
Don't you have the right to be mad? Don't you have the right to your own emotions?
Don't let him take that away from you.
I'm just guessing here, ( and if I'm wrong disregard) but when he said those hurtful things... was he trying blame you for his behavior. That is one of their tricks.
(Heck, it's one of mine!Working to fix that though.)
My mom warned about that one as she watched me repeat her mistake by marrying the first alcohloic that asked
However it loses power when you take the power away from it by remembering you are not to blame. No matter what they say, and trust me they will say it. Remember you are not to blame for what they do.
I'm not skirting accountabilty here, or the fact that sometimes we need to learn a more productive way of communicating. I'm just guessing what might of happened. I could be so far off base I'm not even in the diamond anymore. I'm just guessing at what happened.
I go through this all the time, am I being unreasonable or not.
Do you stay out until 3:00 AM? would it be okay if you stayed out until 3:00 AM?
Don't you have the right to be mad? Don't you have the right to your own emotions?
Don't let him take that away from you.
I'm just guessing here, ( and if I'm wrong disregard) but when he said those hurtful things... was he trying blame you for his behavior. That is one of their tricks.
(Heck, it's one of mine!Working to fix that though.)
My mom warned about that one as she watched me repeat her mistake by marrying the first alcohloic that asked
However it loses power when you take the power away from it by remembering you are not to blame. No matter what they say, and trust me they will say it. Remember you are not to blame for what they do.
I'm not skirting accountabilty here, or the fact that sometimes we need to learn a more productive way of communicating. I'm just guessing what might of happened. I could be so far off base I'm not even in the diamond anymore. I'm just guessing at what happened.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Farmgirl
In my case, it didn't matter what his words were about. Actually he stopped blaming me for any of this a long time ago...I never bought into that one. I don't care if we're discussing the weather, either we talk nicely and with respect or we don't talk..my rules. What is the point of having any kind of discussion if it means enduring their anger, attitude and disrespect. That is abuse, in my books, and I refuse to be a victim.
And as to staying out late - I never do, I'm just too tired to be a late nighter. But if I wanted to, I could. I have never used drugs, got arrested, been in the hospital because I had a fight, or gone missing for days on end. I have been responsible and respectful to those who would wait for me. I have never given anyone cause to worry about where I am or what I am doing and I also carry a cell phone, so if they needed to get on touch with me they could.
My boundaries are about me and what is healthy for me. Nobody has to participate if they don't want to. They can just stay away from me - their choice.
Hugs
In my case, it didn't matter what his words were about. Actually he stopped blaming me for any of this a long time ago...I never bought into that one. I don't care if we're discussing the weather, either we talk nicely and with respect or we don't talk..my rules. What is the point of having any kind of discussion if it means enduring their anger, attitude and disrespect. That is abuse, in my books, and I refuse to be a victim.
And as to staying out late - I never do, I'm just too tired to be a late nighter. But if I wanted to, I could. I have never used drugs, got arrested, been in the hospital because I had a fight, or gone missing for days on end. I have been responsible and respectful to those who would wait for me. I have never given anyone cause to worry about where I am or what I am doing and I also carry a cell phone, so if they needed to get on touch with me they could.
My boundaries are about me and what is healthy for me. Nobody has to participate if they don't want to. They can just stay away from me - their choice.
Hugs
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