marshy13

Hi,
I haven't attended an al-anon meeting before but my husband goes to AA and is 15 months sober and I try my best to understand but sometimes I just don't get it..? How/Can Al-anon help and will it make a difference? I want to make myself stronger to support him.. I try my best but sometimes I feel like I just make things harder?
Advice please

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Marshy.

Hmmm--shortest possible answer to your multiple questions? Go to a meeting. Or two, or six. It costs nothing, and you'll get all your questions answered straight from the source. What have you got to lose?

Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Flicka57

marshy13:
I did not attend Al Anon until my divorce process started so I was not with an A in recovery but thought maybe it still might relate. You will meet people and be able to compare notes of how to help him in his recovery, you will be able to learn to change the focus on you and deal with issues you may have developed especially if you were with him during his drinking. I also learned a lot by attending open AA meetings so maybe if your husband does not mind you can attend some of his meetings and see what he is learning and meet the people offering him support. I met a wife there who stayed with her husband like you (but unlike me) but she gave me valuable support and insight just the same.

DragynLady

The primary focus of Al Anon is not the alcoholic, it's you. Drinking has become unmanageable in your life, so you will learn to work the 12 steps yourself, and learn to stop perpetuating the behaviors you've learned to cope with alcoholism on your own.

Go. Check it out. And keep coming back... give it a chance to work.

Recovering2

AlAnon is full of those who "get it" and share their experience/strength/hope with each other. The focus, as mentioned, is not on the A in your life. The focus is on you. Often times we can unwittingly contribute to what's happening because we don't have the skills to handle what alcoholism brings to your life.

My RABF is 10 months sober, and I've been in AlAnon for 9 months. I can't imagine where we would be right now if I hadn't found AlAnon. I have learned an incredible amount of real life knowledge, and have changed how I react to things. I am more peaceful and serene, and we are better as a couple.

As Honeypig said, what do you have to lose by giving it a try? There is no cost and your anonymity is respected. It's recommended that you attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. Different meetings have different formats, I went to 3 different ones before I found the group that was a good fit for me.

marshy13

Thank you so much for your replies. I will give it a try - I'm just a bit apprehensive I suppose. The hard thing is to realise that al anon would be for me cos in our world everyone's always running around trying to accommodate him and it can be quite tough at times.

honeypig

Yes, and that is EXACTLY why you need Alanon--the world does NOT revolve around the A. He is learning that in AA (or should be!) and you will learn that in Alanon.

As mentioned by other posters, living with an A warps our sense of what is normal. Alanon will help you get a sense of what is truly YOURS to deal with and what belongs to the A, or to other people in general.

I think you'll find, as time goes on, that the benefits of Alanon are not limited to improvement in your relationship w/your A but will show up as improvements in your relationship to the world and everything/everyone in it!

Please post after you've been to your first meeting and let us know how it went, OK?

marshy13

Honeypig,

Thank you for your post. It sounds like it could really help, so I'm definitely going to give it a try
I'm actually quite excited now! I will post again after iv been to a meeting, thanks for your advice and support

fourmaggie

please...be patient with yourself...we all get it at our OWN PACE...
trust in your HP

KEEP COMING BACK, its time for some SELF CARE

try some of the books...gosh they helped me alot...and a journal...to put the pieces together....

kewlgurl

I tried going to Alanon meetings held locally, there were two other women there and all they did was read some passages out of the Alanon book, did not get anything out of it at all. No coping skills, no personal sharing, no help. Are there any good online groups anyone has attended?

marshy13

Hi fourmaggie,

Thank you for your reply everyone is so lovely and supportive here - quite overwhelmed!
What books have you tried/ would you recommend? Are there any good online meetings?

Thank you for your help again it's really appreciated.

marshy13

Hi kewlgurl,

Thank you for your reply.
HAve you tried more than one meeting?

marshy13

Fourmaggie,

What did you mean when you said a journal?
Thank you again

Recovering2

"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, and "Courage to Change" (AlAnon) are both daily readers and both great. I read the days reading each morning before I start my day.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has been a great book for a lot of us here.

honeypig

I see 2 meetings listed in Richland Center itself. Having grown up in that area, I know it's fairly rural. Are there meetings in any other nearby towns? I believe you'll get more out of a face-to-face meeting than online, but if there is no larger meeting, then phone or online may be your only choice.

Here's a link for online and phone meetings: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings

I was a member of 2 email Alanon groups and was less than impressed w/that experience. YMMV.

As far as Alanon reading materials, I liked "How Alanon Works" and "Paths to Recovery", both of which are available on Amazon, as well as a lot more. Amazon.com: alanon books: Books Buying used books can save $$ if that's an issue.

m1k3

Hi Marshy,

I have used journaling several times in the past. The way I did it was to set aside some time in the morning with a notebook and write, whatever came into my mind. Good stuff, bad stuff, sometimes not much, some times I'd write a boatload.

It's wasn't a diary though, it was all about my thoughts and emotions. Getting them out on paper was a great way to vent and to get some of the bad stuff out of my head. It was really therapeutic.

Your friend,

marshy13

Hi m1k3 , Thank you - that's a good idea. Iv bought a couple of books too so I'm going to start reading them and try an online meeting to begin with too I must say I feel like this is helping already, I was much calmer last night and able to just enjoy our evening Thank you Hope your well?

kewlgurl

Marshy13,
The other meeting is in the middle of the day when I'm at work so I haven't been able to go to that one. Alot of groups in surrounding towns have actually quit meeting so it makes it a bit more difficult. Thanks for your input! I hope you can find a good group and get some support.

marshy13

Hi kewlgurl,

Thanks for your reply.
That's a shame. Yes you too! I'm going to try an online one at first - have you tried one of those yet?

kewlgurl

I haven't tried an online one yet, but I think I may try. I have been struggling alot lately and just feel like I need some additional resources. Wishing you all the best of luck!