And yet, I still don't know how to unlove someone...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
And yet, I still don't know how to unlove someone...
Is my perception really that bad and ten other questions I ask myself in co-dependent relationships.
I'm 1.5 years out of an ugly, painful, traumatizing relationship with the mother of my kids - who have all gone to therapy - as I have.
It started one day when she again was in this escalation-argument-without-end in which I'm always wrong, the cause of "it" what ever that moving target happened to be at the moment, and as always a bad father for working too much and not enough, all at the same time.
Finally, I said "You should leave." I said it. I didn't think it. it just came out. "You should leave." I panicked inside. I shouted for joy. inside. I thought "What have I done?" and at the same time I thought "Why did it take so long to do?" Nine years of hell over in an instant.
"Fantastic!" she said.
"It's a one way street this time." I replied.
I meant it. She'd abandoned us before. Many times if you count the attempted suicides - the ultimate abandonment.
I friend of mine said to me a few days before that - well, she said: “There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama and people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy . . . . ” (Thanks, Theresa). It had been crawling around in my mind ever since "Just walk away."
Amen!
It was hard. I remember when my daughter was four years old putting scotch tape on the door so she couldn't leave us - again.
When I told my girls that she was moving out, they were devastated. I was handed a picture of one half of a broken heart drawn in orange crayon by my child - silently handed a drawn broken heart by my eight year old baby girl.
I said "I know. I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. All the fighting has to stop. I love you. We'll be all right." She hugged me.
I do. I love them more than myself but I realize I have to love myself more none the less, don't I? For me!
But I couldn't do it anymore. Not one more day. Too much pain, too much confusion - just too much. For ten years I battled her disease. All the drugs she took, all the self-abuse, cutting herself. All the weeks spent in bed, stoned. All the puking booze. I battled it all.
And I lost - sometimes the road to H ell IS paved with good intention.
I did it finally, I did it - I let go and when I let go, I broke - I broke down, fell down some deep dark hole - something in me broke, but it had to you see? It was the only way - to let go of the love of my life for my kids - it had to break. So I let it - I let it break - some times we do break things we can't fix you know?
I let go - I said "Leave it is over - go, I'm done." "I will!" she said.
She did.
For the first time in ten years I am healing instead of getting sicker. I am finding serenity again instead of insanity. I am developing loving relationships with my daughters instead of defending them from the inevitable.
I don't know if it can be fixed, this thing inside me that broke. It is a hollow. But the bleeding has stopped, you see? The quality of my life and my children's life - while they are with me - is fabulous! I've been clean and sober for 28 years and have earned the right to be happy, joyous and free - it is insane to give that stuff up for depression, misery and imprisonment.
"Love isn't two people staring into each others eyes. It is holding hands, standing next to each other, staring in the same direction!"
~ Father Martin
I can show my girls, my three little girls what a good man looks like, acts like. What a strong man looks like. What an honest and hard working man looks like. I can teach them Real Love.
AND I can teach them that they are worth it all, that I am worth it all. We are - we are worth it all. And I can teach them - have to teach them that not every problem requires a hammer to fix it - conflict is their mode of operation - I know why. We're working on it. You can't fix nine years in nine weeks or nine months or in a year and a half. But you can find the lost hope, the lost dreams, the lost joy, the lost friendships - the lost me.
Sometimes these things we let go of have claw marks all over them, don't they?
And yet, I still don't know how to unlove someone...
Thanks for being here....
I'm 1.5 years out of an ugly, painful, traumatizing relationship with the mother of my kids - who have all gone to therapy - as I have.
It started one day when she again was in this escalation-argument-without-end in which I'm always wrong, the cause of "it" what ever that moving target happened to be at the moment, and as always a bad father for working too much and not enough, all at the same time.
Finally, I said "You should leave." I said it. I didn't think it. it just came out. "You should leave." I panicked inside. I shouted for joy. inside. I thought "What have I done?" and at the same time I thought "Why did it take so long to do?" Nine years of hell over in an instant.
"Fantastic!" she said.
"It's a one way street this time." I replied.
I meant it. She'd abandoned us before. Many times if you count the attempted suicides - the ultimate abandonment.
I friend of mine said to me a few days before that - well, she said: “There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama and people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy . . . . ” (Thanks, Theresa). It had been crawling around in my mind ever since "Just walk away."
Amen!
It was hard. I remember when my daughter was four years old putting scotch tape on the door so she couldn't leave us - again.
When I told my girls that she was moving out, they were devastated. I was handed a picture of one half of a broken heart drawn in orange crayon by my child - silently handed a drawn broken heart by my eight year old baby girl.
I said "I know. I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. All the fighting has to stop. I love you. We'll be all right." She hugged me.
I do. I love them more than myself but I realize I have to love myself more none the less, don't I? For me!
But I couldn't do it anymore. Not one more day. Too much pain, too much confusion - just too much. For ten years I battled her disease. All the drugs she took, all the self-abuse, cutting herself. All the weeks spent in bed, stoned. All the puking booze. I battled it all.
And I lost - sometimes the road to H ell IS paved with good intention.
I did it finally, I did it - I let go and when I let go, I broke - I broke down, fell down some deep dark hole - something in me broke, but it had to you see? It was the only way - to let go of the love of my life for my kids - it had to break. So I let it - I let it break - some times we do break things we can't fix you know?
I let go - I said "Leave it is over - go, I'm done." "I will!" she said.
She did.
For the first time in ten years I am healing instead of getting sicker. I am finding serenity again instead of insanity. I am developing loving relationships with my daughters instead of defending them from the inevitable.
I don't know if it can be fixed, this thing inside me that broke. It is a hollow. But the bleeding has stopped, you see? The quality of my life and my children's life - while they are with me - is fabulous! I've been clean and sober for 28 years and have earned the right to be happy, joyous and free - it is insane to give that stuff up for depression, misery and imprisonment.
"Love isn't two people staring into each others eyes. It is holding hands, standing next to each other, staring in the same direction!"
~ Father Martin
I can show my girls, my three little girls what a good man looks like, acts like. What a strong man looks like. What an honest and hard working man looks like. I can teach them Real Love.
AND I can teach them that they are worth it all, that I am worth it all. We are - we are worth it all. And I can teach them - have to teach them that not every problem requires a hammer to fix it - conflict is their mode of operation - I know why. We're working on it. You can't fix nine years in nine weeks or nine months or in a year and a half. But you can find the lost hope, the lost dreams, the lost joy, the lost friendships - the lost me.
Sometimes these things we let go of have claw marks all over them, don't they?
And yet, I still don't know how to unlove someone...
Thanks for being here....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Johnny,
I am so sorry for the pain you and your daughters have endured. They are so lucky to have you for a father. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
My AH has struggled with addiction for at least 11 years but the true effects began haunting me 7 years ago. Although at times I thought I hated him I realize I hated this disease that turned him in to someone I don't know anymore.
I still love the man he was but not the man he has become.
I am so sorry for the pain you and your daughters have endured. They are so lucky to have you for a father. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
My AH has struggled with addiction for at least 11 years but the true effects began haunting me 7 years ago. Although at times I thought I hated him I realize I hated this disease that turned him in to someone I don't know anymore.
I still love the man he was but not the man he has become.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
I understand what you mean and thanks. It is a hollow, like when my father passed. It is a death of a different kind, but they're still walking around. Oh, sure they look like the one we fell in love with, but they are an imposter, aren't they?
H.U.G.S. (Hoping U Get Serenity!)
H.U.G.S. (Hoping U Get Serenity!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Originally Posted by Johnny152 
I can show my girls, my three little girls what a good man looks like, acts like. What a strong man looks like. What an honest and hard working man looks like. I can teach them Real Love.
AND I can teach them that they are worth it all, that I am worth it all. We are - we are worth it all. And I can teach them - have to teach them that not every problem requires a hammer to fix it - conflict is their mode of operation - I know why. We're working on it. You can't fix nine years in nine weeks or nine months or in a year and a half. But you can find the lost hope, the lost dreams, the lost joy, the lost friendships - the lost me.
AND I can teach them that they are worth it all, that I am worth it all. We are - we are worth it all. And I can teach them - have to teach them that not every problem requires a hammer to fix it - conflict is their mode of operation - I know why. We're working on it. You can't fix nine years in nine weeks or nine months or in a year and a half. But you can find the lost hope, the lost dreams, the lost joy, the lost friendships - the lost me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
This is heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. You are a great example of strength and courage for your daughters. I am in the same type of situation with my AH. The deeper I get into my recovery, the sicker he seems. I will always love him but I have to leave him in God's hands and pray he finds peace some day.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Something happens to growth, doesn't it? It seems to disappear with too much alcohol.
To me it seems like there is this natural discovery process in life, relationships, insights, finding beauty.
That gets turned off. The growth stops. Life isn't like a job where there are clear cut goals to be accomplished. Instead it's a process of discovery, and with that discovery comes insight and amazement. My point being that discovery of life takes us places we weren't even looking for, insights we had no idea existed, new knowledge and understanding.
It's very complex, isn't it?
But alcohol takes that natural light right out of life. The dulled brain seeks no discovery, and misses it when it's right in front of it.
It's the best way I can describe what is missed, even if one's career is on track and all the ducks are in a row. The light of discovery goes out.
Life isn't a to-do list that we check off accomplishments.
Life is the discovery of what we weren't even looking for.
And that's what brings me more happiness than anything else. Discovery. Amazement. Finding beauty in being alive where we didn't go looking, but were able to see.
Keep finding beauty in life for you and your girls.
To me it seems like there is this natural discovery process in life, relationships, insights, finding beauty.
That gets turned off. The growth stops. Life isn't like a job where there are clear cut goals to be accomplished. Instead it's a process of discovery, and with that discovery comes insight and amazement. My point being that discovery of life takes us places we weren't even looking for, insights we had no idea existed, new knowledge and understanding.
It's very complex, isn't it?
But alcohol takes that natural light right out of life. The dulled brain seeks no discovery, and misses it when it's right in front of it.
It's the best way I can describe what is missed, even if one's career is on track and all the ducks are in a row. The light of discovery goes out.
Life isn't a to-do list that we check off accomplishments.
Life is the discovery of what we weren't even looking for.
And that's what brings me more happiness than anything else. Discovery. Amazement. Finding beauty in being alive where we didn't go looking, but were able to see.
Keep finding beauty in life for you and your girls.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Johnny152
I understand what you mean and thanks. It is a hollow, like when my father passed. It is a death of a different kind, but they're still walking around. Oh, sure they look like the one we fell in love with, but they are an imposter, aren't they?
H.U.G.S. (Hoping U Get Serenity!)
H.U.G.S. (Hoping U Get Serenity!)
-------------------------
They still sort of look sort of the same -- but it aint the same.
She wants to eat your brain.
[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Kennedy
I think your post was beautiful and your children are lucky you are who you are.
― Rose Kennedy
I think your post was beautiful and your children are lucky you are who you are.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by Johnny152
It is a death of a different kind, but they're still walking around. Oh, sure they look like the one we fell in love with, but they are an imposter, aren't they?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 20
what an amazing story, thanks for sharing.
I can relate to the hurt and pain and revolving door, and how hard on the kids it is.
I can also relate that no matter the pain and destruction its hard to unlove someone.
You said it perfectly, how to unlove someone. so relateable
I can relate to the hurt and pain and revolving door, and how hard on the kids it is.
I can also relate that no matter the pain and destruction its hard to unlove someone.
You said it perfectly, how to unlove someone. so relateable
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you for that beautiful post. Your daughters are so very fortunate to have you in their lives. I wish you all strength and happiness and hope for the future as your family embarks on this next journey. You sound like a great Dad! And I imagine your girls know you are!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Johnny,
Thank you for that post. It means a lot to me right now. I am really struggling with the thought of separation from my AH and the only thing I cannot grasp is why I LOVE him so much, after all the pain and anxiety he has brought to my and my children's lives. Your post shows me I am not alone.
Thank you for that post. It means a lot to me right now. I am really struggling with the thought of separation from my AH and the only thing I cannot grasp is why I LOVE him so much, after all the pain and anxiety he has brought to my and my children's lives. Your post shows me I am not alone.
sadlady
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
I am ina dilema myself. not married to my abf, but i do love him. I read this post and it was disheartening , but hopeful to find a place to vent, find support and encouragement.
I love my bf , he is far away and i hurt everyday not being with him and i tell him everyday i miss and live him. He come back with an "oh sure" comment. It makes me feel so weakened out with missing him and he still drinks and will either ignore all texts and calls until he wants to talk to me. I feel lonely, upset, and beaten down at times. I want for an i love from him that comes once in a while , and i will hold onto that once of hope.
His drinking is constant , but since im not there it is not 100%knowing.
He broke up with me , cause i texted that he will forget me in time.... texted me back that
was stupid and for me to go away.... this is not a kid but a 58 yr old.
Way am i devastated? I have been a major support thru all his rehab work and helped him out. I cared for him and loved him. I am a loving and an attractive women.
Why has this man consumed my life when he really doesnt care how he treats me.
I am trying to figure how to unlove someone that i trully love more than myself.....
help!!!
I love my bf , he is far away and i hurt everyday not being with him and i tell him everyday i miss and live him. He come back with an "oh sure" comment. It makes me feel so weakened out with missing him and he still drinks and will either ignore all texts and calls until he wants to talk to me. I feel lonely, upset, and beaten down at times. I want for an i love from him that comes once in a while , and i will hold onto that once of hope.
His drinking is constant , but since im not there it is not 100%knowing.
He broke up with me , cause i texted that he will forget me in time.... texted me back that
was stupid and for me to go away.... this is not a kid but a 58 yr old.
Way am i devastated? I have been a major support thru all his rehab work and helped him out. I cared for him and loved him. I am a loving and an attractive women.
Why has this man consumed my life when he really doesnt care how he treats me.
I am trying to figure how to unlove someone that i trully love more than myself.....
help!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
I still love her. I still miss her. I am very grateful we aren't together any more.
My kids have settled down and seem to have emotional stability more so than at any time in the past.
They laugh, joke with me, can get mad without fearing the world is coming to an end, can talk about stuff now and have fun.
I've lost 50 lbs because I'm not over eating any more. I'm off my antidepressants!! ~ It's better than it has been in a decade.
It reminds me of something I heard once, and I wish I would have listened.
"It is one thing to be willing to go to hell for someone else. It is another to go to hell with them."
You'll sort it out. This is a great place to do just that.....
H.U.G.S.! = “Hoping U Get Serenity!”
My kids have settled down and seem to have emotional stability more so than at any time in the past.
They laugh, joke with me, can get mad without fearing the world is coming to an end, can talk about stuff now and have fun.
I've lost 50 lbs because I'm not over eating any more. I'm off my antidepressants!! ~ It's better than it has been in a decade.
It reminds me of something I heard once, and I wish I would have listened.
"It is one thing to be willing to go to hell for someone else. It is another to go to hell with them."
You'll sort it out. This is a great place to do just that.....
H.U.G.S.! = “Hoping U Get Serenity!”
sadlady
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
If I get a text tomorrow that he loves me, im back up on the roller coaster again.
I trully love him, he is 2000 miles away and wants me to luve with him.
I want to and it has been difficult finding a place to live. He gets mad when I doubt his feelingsfor me. i keep thinking in my head that everytime he drinks, he is with another women which might not be happening. He is very attractive and he thinks all women go after him. So i want to be with this man , and yet he knocks me down cause i questioned his love or that he will soon forget me. Instead of saying .. i wont forget you ever; he texts me im stupid.. and why am i wasting his time and go away...
Sorry for venting, but really hurt, lost, lonely. and crying ....
these are painful times in dealing with an alcoholic. but regardless of drunk or sober it is still the same person.
saddened here.....
I trully love him, he is 2000 miles away and wants me to luve with him.
I want to and it has been difficult finding a place to live. He gets mad when I doubt his feelingsfor me. i keep thinking in my head that everytime he drinks, he is with another women which might not be happening. He is very attractive and he thinks all women go after him. So i want to be with this man , and yet he knocks me down cause i questioned his love or that he will soon forget me. Instead of saying .. i wont forget you ever; he texts me im stupid.. and why am i wasting his time and go away...
Sorry for venting, but really hurt, lost, lonely. and crying ....
these are painful times in dealing with an alcoholic. but regardless of drunk or sober it is still the same person.
saddened here.....
sadlady
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: il
Posts: 85
The other thing is that i wont drink and party it up like he thinks i should being away from him. He funds what i do boring cause im not at the bars or living it up like he wants to do.
I cant fugure out him breaking up over my comment... Really lost
I cant fugure out him breaking up over my comment... Really lost
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