Florence

This paired with the drinking is a red flag for me.

He hasn't suffered any serious consequences related to his drinking, I imagine. I know some heavy drinkers, it's their lives, not my business. But the hyper-focus on beer paired with the sudden job loss and limitless free time would make me worry.

That's just me.

dandylion

out of curiosity---I wonder what age group your husband is currently in--and how many total years that he has been drinking.

dandylion

honeypig

Wow, I think you may have hit the nail right on the head, BlueSkies^^^.

This would not have occurred to me. Thanks for sharing your insight!

BlueSkies1

Thanks honeypig. Clear as day, this one is. Other's situations often are. Now if I could only see my own. But no, too deep into the forest for the trees, and I'm blind as a bat with the insight of that bat stuck in a cave and sonar can't find the way out, ever circling.

I imagine being a cop. Doesn't take two seconds of that to know that there is a huge balancing act, stress, inability to not take work "home" with him. Top that off with needing to self-medicate to relieve the stress, and how difficult some fathers find bonding with their daughters. Especially in a male testosterone stress driven environment like the police force where emotions are forced to take a back seat to the emergencies. They can't feel, there's no time for that. They must react, just like military. The profession is an exercise is NOT feeling. Imagine how that spills over into personal life.

Cristi

No no no, perhaps I should have clarified that topic. First, it his step daughter, not his biological daughter. And she absolutely worships my husband. And we met and married long after my daughter had grown up and left home. When we married we were living in Ohio and my daughter and her family live in Seattle. Unfortunately life was just too busy over the years for us to get together much. But when we do my daughter and her children and my husband are near unseperatable. Her referring to him as an alcoholic was not done in malice at all. It was more of an off handed comment that just got me to thinking is all. My husband has never been abusive to anyone. Except maybe a few criminals he has arrested lol (j/k).

Cristi

Actually it just came to me why my daughter made the alcoholic statement. Another fact I omitted, but perhaps it's important to the situation. We have all suddenly become wealthy. We were not poor before but lived on on Highway Patrol Troopers salary which is actually pretty good, but FAR FAR FAR from rich lol. Me and my daughter was wondering what kind of "changes" we were all going to go through. One concern was that my husband might start to relive his youth and start "partying". But I told her he didn't party when he was young, so i doubt that would happen.

Well, I didn't happen. In fact he seems oblivious to his new found wealth. He wont even go buy a new pair of shoes lol!! He's been wearing the same ol Reboks for like 10 years now!! And he still drinks Budweiser beer!! I was like honey, it's okay to splurge on a 6 pack of GOOD beer if ya want. But he's content with Bud lites lol.

I have not been quite as lucky w/ some other members of my family. My dumb ass son who is a senior this year at Rutgers just up and quit school!!!! Can you believe that!! he say's why go to school. He was going so he could get a good job and have plenty of money. Now he has plenty of money, so why bother w/ school!! OMG. Sorry, I totally went off subject there, but OMG!

FireSprite

I might be over simplifying this but here's my take on it: Healthy drinkers do not have to create "drinking rules". If HE feels that he needs rules to follow to give him the impression of control over his drinking, it's a giant red flag to me.

Cristi

Nope not relevant here. My husband has rules for everything! He's got like OCD or something. He sleeps 7-8 hours every night. Not 6, not 9. he eats exactly 3000 calories a day. A certain amount of sodium, fat, ect.. He works out exactly 2 hours every day at the exact same times of the day. He drinks 2 pepsi's a week, ect.. He likes things very very neat and organized. Once he got a scratch on his take home cruiser and it broke his heart lol. He took it to the maintenance people and asked them to fix it. They said "it's only a little scratch". And offered to fix it in a month or so. He couldn't wait so he took it on his own and paid for it to be fixed lol.

BlueSkies1

Hello again cristi,
I can only come back for a couple rushed minutes as a have a lot to do today but I saw your post and want to respond.

Yes the additional info does shed a different light on your story of your husband, but not completely.
You said your daughter said your husband is a "huge alcoholic" and then you said it was an off-handed remark. Understand that could make us a little confused here. Which is it? Did your daughter say that seriously or not?

I think perhaps talking to your daughter and clarifying is what you need to do. A discussion between the two of you over whether she thinks he is alcoholic or not, and then in depth on that and how she feels about his drinking and whether it is impacting her life, or yours, or either of your relationships with your husband.
You seem to feel it is not affecting those relationships. I would make sure she feels the same as you do after calling him a "huge alcoholic".
Drinking every day (usually for him as I understand) will create some kind of dependence, emotionally if not physically, just like any other habit.
I am not passing judgment on his behavior. I will simply point you to the CDC, which states:
"According to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans,1 moderate alcohol consumption is defined as having up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men. This definition is referring to the amount consumed on any single day and is not intended as an average over several days."

So this is a health concern, if even without serious consequences for your husband at this stage, or even, perhaps ever, which nobody can say ahead of time whether there ever will be any. Only after the fact.
Does that answer your question? Is it a health concern of yours for him why you came here to post?

DragynLady

My husband was never what some would identify as an alcoholic. He never drove drunk, he never had beer, he only had a few at at time.

But he *needed* it. He couldn't stop it. Ask him to not have a drink, and you'd get the works. He was never abusive, never belligerent. Never lost a job to drinking. NEver had a DUI. Never had a blackout. Never falling down drunk.

He was still a thrice-damned alcoholic.

I hate all the stipulations people place on what "must" be an alcoholic. An alcoholic is defined by a dependency on alcohol. Addiction requires you to have your fix.

It sounds like he's an alcoholic to me. It doesn't matter if he has "rules" -- it just means he stops before he gets stupid. But a 6 pack is a LOT of beer, and it is going to destroy his body. He justifies his need with himself and others by placing restrictions on it, but it's still a need. And that's a crapton of money to be spending on something with NO redeeming qualities.

FireSprite

A very good friend of mine was exactly the same way & just because she was OCD about everything in her life it didn't stop her from silently becoming a severe alcoholic over many years of controlled drinking. How many days is the longest stretch that he has gone without any drinking at all?

Cristi

He actually can go months without a beer. While working he worked a month on each shift. When he worked mids he of course could not drink. So out of every three months, he would drink two months and not drink for a month. And now a day's we go to about 10 Reds games per month. He does not drink on these nights. He does not drink in public places, only at home. This is due to his job. Not smart for a cop to out in public drinking alcohol in his opinion. Plus, we have ran into a handful of people he has arrested over the years (most of them DUI's). He still maintains this theory even though he took an early retirement package. However, the retirement package does not take effect until 2015. Until then he is still technically a Trooper, subject to recall and all the rules (off-duty) that regular officers are subject too.

Florence

Cristi, you seem to have a rational reason why your husband drinks a 6-pack every night. Since you do, I'm wondering what you're looking for by posting here.

honeypig

I just finished re-reading the whole thread b/c I had this same question, Florence.

Cristi, the original post says you were 'stunned and angry" when the daughter said this. Later on, I think you said it was "just an offhand remark" that she made, and that they are very close and have a good relationship. I feel as if I'm missing something here.

So if there is no problem in your marriage and there is no problem between the daughter and father....? Maybe there is no problem then, other than possible health issues from drinking that much.

Are you seeking confirmation that he is NOT an alcoholic, a "second opinion" of sorts? Or something else? If you can clarify the question a little more, maybe a better answer can be given.

Cristi

Honey, no actually I just had the wrong idea of an alcoholic I guess. I thought alcoholics are always drunk, always blacking out, and so on. And none of these things are my husband at all. In fact, it angers him greatly when he see's people who drink like this. And again, my daughter is not his biological daughter. And yes they are very close. Her father died when she was a kid and she grew up without a father. When my husband came along it was like having a father all over again. But, as I said the times we were all able to spend together has been very little over the years. We all live so far apart.

My daughter is here with me now and is so sorry she upset me so. She also does not understand the definition of an alcoholic apparently. She had it in her mind that someone who drinks more then 2 drinks per day is an alcoholic. Or someone who binge drinks more then 4 drinks at a time. I said "where did you hear that", she of course said "the internet" lol.

Funny thing is, we both just realized something halarious at the exact same time. After reading more about the definition of an alcoholic we both looked at each other at the same time and yelled "Brandon and Casey"!!! They are my two younger brothers. For years now we have all assumed they were bottomed out alcoholics and now we realize they prolly are not true alcoholics after all.

They like to drink on occasion, and when they do, man they put em away!! Like a 12 pack each with no problems. Sometime's more!! BUT, they only do this a handful of time's each year. Not healthy I'm sure, but prolly not alcoholics after all.

Anyways, point is. I did not understand the true definition of an alcoholic and neither did my daughter. I think we got a better grasp of the situation now. Thank you all very much for the replies!!

honeypig

Yeah, alcoholics are definitely not one-size-fits-all! My A drank for YEARS behind my back w/o my having any idea. He drank only at home, always was careful not to drink so much that it would be obvious he was drunk, was an absolute master at concealing what he was up to, held a decent job the whole time--not at all the stereotypical staggering, vomiting bum, but an undoubted alcoholic nevertheless in his addictive behaviors.

One of the things I learned here is that this is not uncommon, and I learned enough to validate my feelings that this was NOT normal behavior and that there was a problem. I guess none of us are experts on this until we need to be....

Anyway, I'm glad you've arrived at a place where you seem to have an answer to your question.

Cristi

Ya know. I do have to wonder this though. And I'm not trying to be rude or nothing. But if someone IS an alcoholic and they only drink let's say 4 or 5 beers at time like I've read many on here do/did, what's the problem?? I mean if someone is not abusive, not intoxicated, and alcohol is not causing any problems whatsoever in their live's then who cares??

Does it just become a health issue at this point? Or am I missing something deeper here? I mean to me it seems like the people who are addicted to nasty cigarettes would be the same correct?? If it's only a health concern I mean?

fluffyflea

If it,s not causing unmanageability in your life then why worry about it? By the sounds of it he sounds pretty controlled in his drinking. And even if he wasn;t controlled in his drinking and it was causing unmanageability unless he thought he had a problem there really wouldn,t be much you could do for him.

If YOU feel YOU need help then there are Alanon meetings for you.

hypochondriac

Health matters made me quit for sure but I found lots of benefits to sobriety and I realised that for many years I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism, and it is an absolutely atrocious one. It stunts your growth, emotionally speaking. I also had a massive anxiety problem because of the physiological effects of alcohol, even drinking just a daily regular amount. Over time it does a lot of damage to mental as well as physical health. Other people from the outside didn't really think there was a problem with my drinking but I knew better, I knew how much I needed it to cope, to function. To me living sober isn't just about not drinking, it's about finding out who I really am and having some growth in my life for a change rather than stagnating.

pinkdog

Hi Cristi, welcome. As an alcoholic myself, drinking a 6 pack everyday is not good. He is an alcohol abuser. Might not be an alcoholic. Drinking everyday is not good for anyone's health. People who are able to drink socially with no problems, do not need rules. X amount each and timelines. The way to find out if someone is an alcoholic is when they quit. If it is hard for them to quit, that speaks to addiction. Very best wishes to you. We are here for support.