wendy30

My husband stopped drinking again last Sunday (after he ruined my birthday). I believe that he won't drink again anytime soon, but I think I am really angry.

I was sitting here working on a Saturday night thinking how nice it would be to have a glass of wine while I work into the late night. It seems ridiculous to get upset over that in light of everything, but I just stewed to myself because I am so sick of thinking about his drinking. I really like having a glass of wine and now that's another thing I can't do. Childish, I know. He is doing the right thing now, but I am so resentful still.

I am really resentful that I still can't have my good friends and my husband together in a social situation. Before I knew he would embarrass me with his alcohol. Now, I don't even think it would be that much better. That sounds awful, but I don't understand why he can't just be friendly and sociable.

He snapped at my 4 year old so badly today. She got the sprinkles out of the cabinet and was eating them, and he grabbed them and threw them and sprinkles went everywhere. All day long it was little things like this. I found myself wondering would it be better if he was still drinking or now? That sounds awful.

What is wrong with me?

Mountainmanbob

if one sobers up and has some good sobriety
in time it won't bother them to be around some drinking
my wife has a glass of wine here and there
especially when she does some great cooking she drinks a little
doesn't bother me in the least
went to my sons birthday party today - he's 39
yes they were partying a little - beer with a little smoking of the herb
don't bother me at all - enjoyed playing some horse shoes with those guys

I have had more than my share in my life
there comes a time for the drunks and addicts such as myself to stop drinking and using
if
we live long enough

coming up next month on 6 years sober
Mountainman

RhodeIsland

Hello Wendy,

you've provided the answer in your post, direct actions of AH:
he ruined my birthday
I still can't have my good friends and my husband together in a social situation. Before I knew he would embarrass me with his alcohol.
he can't just be friendly and sociable.
He snapped at my 4 year old so badly today

this person has alienated people who you care about, through drinking and being anti-social (hostile/rude). He's pushed people out of your life, and it's been replaced by him. He has been angry, overreacting and (dare I say traumatizing) to your child over small issues. He is a negative person and that has become your home life. Must it be perfect at home, lest he has a reason to flip out?

Indirect action of AH:
I really like having a glass of wine and now that's another thing I can't do.

In your life, a glass of wine is now near forbidden as you can't have wine in the house because he lacks self control. His choices, his addiction is controlling aspects of your life. Even sober, the control does not return.

What is wrong with me?
Nothing, except the codependent behaviors. Not as it could be, or should be, or was at some point, but as it is, as it has been; Do you see this relationship as something you want to be in? What about the daughter? What kind of environment would you have her raised in? Does this mesh with life with the AH? It isn't your fault. you can't cure him, you didn't cause it, you cannot control him. He owns his behavior, and you're not wrong to hold resentment towards him.

rowd44

Hey Wendy - you having a drink shouldn't be connected to your husband not drinking. He has the problem not you. If your husband is an alcoholic, rest assure he will drink again if he doesn't seek help. Staying dry may last 7 days to a month. Don't beat yourself up for something that's not in your control. I have a drinking problem and my wife is free to have a glass of wine anytime. Her having a glass a wine isn't going to trigger me to drink. People are drinking everywhere. If I go to a restaurant for dinner and can't ask everyone not to have a drink. This is something I need to monitor and manage. Take Care! Don't work too late

honeypig

Is he actively working some kind of a program or is he just "not drinking"? For most A's, unless they are involved in some sort of plan for recovery, simply staying "dry" will result in exactly what you describe--unacceptable, out-of-control behaviors culminating in drinking again, b/c there are no steps being taken to address the problems/emotions that used to be anesthetized away w/alcohol.

Even more important, though, is this: Are YOU involved in some kind of a program? I would strongly recommend Alanon, as it will help you learn to detach from your A and his crazy behaviors while you get your feet under you and figure out how to have the life you want for you and for your daughter. Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Please do check it out. SR is a wonderful resource, but it's limited by its online nature in some respects. Alanon is a great community to be involved in for real-world help and tools to start getting your life together so you don't have to live like this any more. Using both SR and Alanon can be a great combination.

It has to have been scary for your daughter to see her father act like this, "throwing the sprinkles across the room" b/c she was eating them. Do you really want her to grow up thinking this is how she should allow herself to be treated, thinking this is how relationships should look? Consider making changes for HER sake, even if not for your own.

Santa

Only that you are trying to make sense of life with an addict. I have so been where you are. Divorced 2 years (after 20 years of marriage), I am still working through my anger.

Your husband's behavior is so familiar to me, starting with ruining what should have been a special day, promising afterward not to drink again, and then being in a *really* crappy mood because he can't drink. Once you notice a sharp uptick in your husband's mood, it will be because he has decided he is cured, he is no longer a drunk, and he has given himself permission to have a drink or two like a "normal" person.

Then the cycle begins again. Rinse, repeat.

Good luck to you. Step 1 is to stop buying what the alcoholic is selling - namely, that something is wrong with YOU.