Round 25 of this boxing match ....

Old 09-21-2013, 11:06 AM
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Round 25 of this boxing match ....

My back story is typical, round and round we go. My AH is "trying again" & "oh soooo serious THIS time" I must say I find myself in such a different mind space this time & I have to say its largely due to being on SR. It's this weird calmness in me that has no expectations, it will be ... what it will be, but that I am going to protect my head & heart from those expectations that will only hurt me if they are not met! This is a very small victory I think!

Every single time my AH tries to get sober he asks "do I have any hope in this marriage?" I believe this is because when he takes the beer googles off for any short period of time he sees his non existent marriage and has the audacity to feel like "wth am I doing here THIS SUCKS!" But doesn't bother looking past his own nose to even see why it is so bad & how it got that way.

It's no accident we are together, I have learned I started trying to save my 2 older brothers (both addicts) as a teenager, then my first husband (high school sweetheart/alcoholic) to the current 13yr marriage. Believe me this is a long a$$ process or it can be if your a slow learner like me ....

Last night was the first time I had a sober ear to tell of "my daily life & issues where his disease is concerned" (I'm certainly not wearing rose colored glasses that it will go beyond last night) but WOO FLIPPING HOO it felt good! I was given an opportunity to voice what damage control I have done in 13yrs (I NO LONGER DO!- yay me!), the explaining of EXACTLY WHY his 4 children are in therapy, why I have Teflon coating covering my entire being at this point, "your crap just runs right off me". Instead of me just being physically present in a convo that is suffocatingly ALL ABOUT HIM & HIS BOO BOOS choke choke sigh ..... I ONLY & I MEAN ONLY said statements that for the first time was my truth - about me - all those "I" statements. It wasn't long it wasn't scripted, just came out calmly and rationally like i was reading someone else's story.

I don't know my future, I don't know if I want to stay or leave, haven't thought about me prob since my teens, (been numb for so long I don't know any different at this point) but I'm starting .... Baby steps, y'all have taught me a tun! Started Alanon ten years ago, didn't learn as much then as I have now, older...?(ouch) wiser .... maybe, exhausted (YES) my "jerry springer" (no offense to anyone!) episode has gone on for too many hours!!! I'm ready for reinvention, new empowerment, STOPPING THAT DAM SHOW!, me & my kids in family therapy taking care of just us. It's day to day, min by min, ..... Just breathe!!

Thank you for being there for me to share with ~~~~(((((HUGS))))) I'm truly grateful for y'all
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Old 09-22-2013, 03:38 PM
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