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Old 09-21-2013, 06:40 AM
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Hello

Hello everyone,

I am new here. I found this forum about a month ago and have found a lot of helpful information and thought I'd finally register today.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I finally blew the lid off his secret this week and told his family - living with secrets and lies was too much. He is trying to wean himself off alcohol and currently refuses any formal support. We live together and I have two children from before.

It's very difficult, as you all already know. I'm going to try Al Anon this week and might return to therapy to work on my enabling and codependence issues.

Thanks for creating such a safe space. xo Janie
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Old 09-21-2013, 06:59 AM
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Once you start devoting all your time to YOU n the kids and take it off of him, you will see a BIG change in the dynamics of your relationship. The enabling we have done has not helped any of our A's. I have noticed that when I turned the all my attention I was giving to my AH back to ME where it belonged, he knew something was different and he felt for the first time that I was taking something away from him and it scared him. He asked me, Who are you talking to?! It changed everything for ME and it was GOOD!

Stick around. Keep reading. Welcome.
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:08 AM
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Thank you BoxinRotz. Yes, I suspect things will change. I decided this week to stop doing all the things for him that I have been - the things that fall outside of a "normal relationship". No more lying about why he isn't at family events, no more helping with his share of the bills, no more taking care of him when he's hung over. I will focus on myself and my children and on creating some semblance of a peaceful home.

One huge problem is that he owns a business and I work for him. I've been covering for him the whole time, working for him, doing his duties, etc. That has to stop. It's frustrating because every day that I go to work, he decides he doesn't have to because "I'm there and I can handle it". He stays home and nurses his hangover. The rare days when I've said no, I need a day at home, he asks his family to work for him (it's a family owned shop). I wish I could get his family to stop enabling him like that - he needs to be forced into his work responsibilities or fall on his face (whichever he chooses to do). In the meantime, I feel very taken advantage of every day. I've become very angry and resentful unfortunately.
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:24 AM
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He got used to you doing those things. You actually gave him more time to drink. Once you stop it, like you said, he will call on others. Thing is, you won't have any control in having them stop. As long as you stop, that's all you have to worry about. YOU! If he fails, that's his problem. That is a consequence and it will need to be felt by him. The sad truth is, that when someone loves an A, we feel the consequences everyday. They seem to not have any. Why? Because of that one little word.... enabling. We are as sick, if not sicker than they are when it comes down to it. What we think we are doing when we take care of things that we think need to be done, sets a seed in them that grows and they then feel like you should keep watering it. What really happens is you're watering a plant that will eventually grow stickers, grab you by the leg and sucks you into the depths of hell just like the movies but it's real life!

You sound like you're on your way.
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:27 AM
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Yes, yes, yes.

I think I should get the 3 Cs tattooed on my arm. Especially "can't control it".
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:37 AM
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Well... I dunno about that! LMAO
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:53 AM
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Originally Posted by JanieJane View Post
Thank you BoxinRotz. Yes, I suspect things will change. I decided this week to stop doing all the things for him that I have been - the things that fall outside of a "normal relationship". No more lying about why he isn't at family events, no more helping with his share of the bills, no more taking care of him when he's hung over. I will focus on myself and my children and on creating some semblance of a peaceful home.

One huge problem is that he owns a business and I work for him. I've been covering for him the whole time, working for him, doing his duties, etc. That has to stop. It's frustrating because every day that I go to work, he decides he doesn't have to because "I'm there and I can handle it". He stays home and nurses his hangover. The rare days when I've said no, I need a day at home, he asks his family to work for him (it's a family owned shop). I wish I could get his family to stop enabling him like that - he needs to be forced into his work responsibilities or fall on his face (whichever he chooses to do). In the meantime, I feel very taken advantage of every day. I've become very angry and resentful unfortunately.
Kind of did the reverse for some years, myself. Carried her on the payroll while she refused to work or help. Crazy crap, looking back, huh?

The rest we match on. Just reverse the him/her side of things. Cooking pancakes with the boys this morning, cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, discussing "boundaries and good behavior" with the boys, getting ready to catch a noon alanoon meeting for myself.

Mrs. Hammer? Off to a eating meeting or some such . . . not my problem, thank you, God . . . but the important part is it is mighty damn peaceful here. At least for now.

But the best things this morning. Gratitude. Great way to start the day. The 9 year old came and told me thanks for taking him to Late Night at the Dallas Art Museum last night, and the 6 year old just told me thanks-for-the-pancakes.
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by JanieJane View Post
Yes, yes, yes.

I think I should get the 3 Cs tattooed on my arm. Especially "can't control it".
Making me think of Miss Kansas with the Serenity Prayer tatted down her side.

Who is NOT in a 12 Step Program these days?



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Old 09-21-2013, 08:53 AM
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Question: What is more common? That the alcoholic quits drinking? Or that the other partner eventually leaves?

I've been in this relationship for about a year. We *just* moved in together. Am I facing a lifetime of insanity with this man? Might he stop? Or should I get out now before any more time passes?
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:20 AM
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You have to understand first and foremost that this is a disease. He will never be able to drink like a normal person socially. He officially broke his off button. He will not stop unless his life becomes so unmanageable that he can not function which essentially equates to rock bottom. What his rock bottom is, no one knows.

Some of us are still with our A's, me included. My A grew up in an alcoholic family and was drinking by the time he was 13 years old. He did not find sobriety until his life was so unbearable he could not manage any longer. He was going to die. He knew it along with everyone else. He sobered up for 20 years. In 2009, before I met him, he relapsed. I met him in 2010 and he was lying to himself and told me he was sober for 20 years. I did not find out the truth until we married and his BOOGIE man flew out of the closet. Fast forward to this present day and he is laying FLAT on his back with a 1" hole bored into the side of his head with a drain tube in the neuro step down unit recovering from brain surgery he had on Thursday because of brain bleeds as a direct result of him drinking and riding a Harley Night Train wide open into a 90 degree turn and the fact that he continued to drink up until 2 weeks ago after the initial accident on July 3rd of this year. You'd think the bike accident would be a bottom. His bottom apparently has a basement.

I would not count on him stopping if people are going to be there to cover for him. What you can do is not listen to him say, Baby, I wanna quit! I have to stop this! I'm done. NO!!! You watch him. Is his actions in accordance with his words? Is he seeking help? Is he calling AA? Or... Is he running to the liquor store and hung over day in and day out? Is he asking you to work for him?

His actions are going to be the tell tale signs on if he's ready to stop the madness that lives within him. What you need to ask yourself is... Can I live with it? Can I eat, sleep and breath this life? Do I want to let these children of mine watch this man essentially progress into this disease?

I can tell you, along with many others, what he is today he will not be tomorrow. It will get worse. It is a progressing disease. You will not find true happiness as long as the cap on the bottle is off. He will chose it over you every time. It is and always will be his one true love until he is ready to stop. You will never come between it. He will lie, connive, convince you you're crazy, tell you you're a bitch, lash out at you the more you pry.

So sure, A's can get sober. That is up to them. It has nothing to do with YOU!

You know what I would tell you? I would tell you to get out while you can. Save yourself and those children a lot of heart ache.
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Old 09-21-2013, 10:09 AM
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Welcome to the forum.

Was great to read your posts and the replies. I love coming on here and learning about how others work there program's and what they learn in meetings. Keeps me on track.

I'm an al anoner thru and thru and I finally got that when I began a (another) relationship with an alcoholic - a sober member of AA. And not long after that relationship began I started to have fantasies about killing him because I was so resentful at his lack of gratitude for all the help I was giving him. He was newly sober and I let him move in with me without contributing $$ to the household, took him to meetings or let him use my car, tried to help him get a job, invited his mates over etc... I basically took over the running of his life.

I had been to al anon before when I was in another relationship with an A but found the whole thing confusing however this time I rang a good friend (who'd been to al anon) and was complaining to her about how crap it all was and that this relationship was looking to pan out like my previous ones. And she pretty much said to me, unless you change it will be. It was an Ouchie moment.

So I started attending al anon and have been ever since. That relationship lasted 4 years and during that time I had phases of being obsessed with ending it or continuing it. Seemed to be some kind of weird cycle however I did actually start to get well and develop my own life. And I actually noticed it because I stopped being so angry all the time and had long phases of just accepting life as it was.

I look back on those times now and see I learnt so much about myself and my need to be needed. I think it was were I got my sense of purpose. If someone needed me I felt great but left to my own devices I was at a loss.

My experience has been that just leaving a relationship doesn't cure the problems in me and it was a huge revelation to even learn I had a problem. I don't think this is the case for everyone tho and have met numerous people who leave and never return to a A relationship but mostly after a long period of time alone.

It sounds like you are going to do some great stuff for yourself but like others have said there will be consequences of those actions as you'll change the dynamics of the relationship.

It always helped me to think well he's got a right to be mad when I stopped doing stuff for my A as in a sense I had promised him the moon or been bringing it then not delivered. And that kinda of thing use to annoy me when others did it for me.

I think I suffered from the delusion he'd say 'gee it's great your looking after yourself now!' I really have no idea where this thought came from but I thought it a lot. Caused me a lot of pain too but I kept rehashing it.

My relationship ended as I could not stand the anger or violence anymore and I was diagnosed with a serious health problem. I spent a bit of time wondering if I got the health problems from living with years of crap but something I have learnt in al anon is it is my 2nd nature to attribute more power to people in my life than they actually have.

I just wanted to say what ever you chose to do will be ok and coming here is an excellent start.
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