AH the victim?

Old 09-20-2013, 11:45 AM
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AH the victim?

So I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. My AH is now acting like a victim. He is laying it on thick, not to my face, only in emails. I haven't spoken to him or seen him since he came after me in a drunken rage. I gave him a chance. I asked him point blank if he would prefer to get divorced and lose half of everything than go into treatment and based on actions (or lack thereof), I filed for divorce. Now he is all sad, hurt and confused by my behavior. He thinks my parents would be ashamed of my behavior because I took half the money out of our accounts before I left. Really? My parents are proud of me for standing up for myself. What about his behavior when he pushed me and grabbed my neck and broke my cell phone? He never apologized to me for that. Is this typical? I guess it shouldn't surprise me any. Everything has always been my fault. Just needed to rant. We have our first hearing next Friday. He is also upset with me for picking apparently the most "adversarial" attorney in the world who is only out to get him. I guess the games are beginning.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:49 AM
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You go girl! It's possible he doesn't remember the physical abuse, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. You need to take care of yourself and he's lucky you didn't take ALL the money out of the accounts.

Don't fall for the "poor me" attitude he's showing. Just remember...poor me, poor me, pour me a drink!
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:58 AM
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we are always the victims and its always someone elses fault. my S H put up with me for 6 years then when I came out 3 weeks ago he said he couldn't cope any more. I didn't understand at first I thought hed be pleased. After 15 aa meetings im starting to understand what I have done to him and what hes had to live with. ive never been violent just nasty. Our beautiful home is now for sale somewhere my h always wanted to live and ive ruined that for him . ill never be able to make amends for my selfish behaviour. I never could apologized either because 1 I couldn't remember 2 I didn't want to remember 3 I would have to admit im an alcoholic. Hope this helps you to see how the a mind work( warpped). TIME FOR YOU LIKE MY H TO LLOK AFTER YOURSELF AND LIVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. good luck for the future. only 21 days sober but trying hard. xx
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:06 PM
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Yes, sounds unfortunately normal.

Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!!
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:12 PM
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Detach from the emails, etc. You've made your decision, it really doesn't matter what his opinion of your decision is. He's keeping you plugged in. He mentions your parents, then you think....really?...what about??? All he's doing is trying to keep you engaged, getting you to pick up the other end of his rope. Don't do it.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. Don't play the games.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:31 PM
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It sounds as if he doesn't like that you are standing up for yourself because it is causing him to actually consider that the drinking MIGHT be a problem and anything that threatens the drinking is a direct threat to an A. It doesn't sound like he is taking any accountability for his behaviors. You are right for standing up for yourself. I would have done the same thing. Domestic violence is never OK in any relationship. A partner should treat you with respect. You deserve someone who treats you well. Alanon has been wonderful in teaching me to value myself first. It sounds like it has helped you too.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:32 PM
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It wouldn't have mattered if you hired the worst attorney in town. You will always be out to get them. I took half the money before I got serious and set up my own account. I could have taken more.... I made half the income anyways. It doesn't matter how nice you are or will be or how nasty, you will never do anything right according to them.

It's always our fault. Still trying to understand how it's my fault that I got someone else pregnant. Yep, I'm blamed for that too by my XAH. It is just isn't physically possible!! Just take care of yourself.
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:13 PM
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roxy68....listen, carefully........QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK


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Old 09-20-2013, 01:22 PM
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Yes it,s typical what he is doing.






Originally Posted by roxy68 View Post
So I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. My AH is now acting like a victim. He is laying it on thick, not to my face, only in emails. I haven't spoken to him or seen him since he came after me in a drunken rage. I gave him a chance. I asked him point blank if he would prefer to get divorced and lose half of everything than go into treatment and based on actions (or lack thereof), I filed for divorce. Now he is all sad, hurt and confused by my behavior. He thinks my parents would be ashamed of my behavior because I took half the money out of our accounts before I left. Really? My parents are proud of me for standing up for myself. What about his behavior when he pushed me and grabbed my neck and broke my cell phone? He never apologized to me for that. Is this typical? I guess it shouldn't surprise me any. Everything has always been my fault. Just needed to rant. We have our first hearing next Friday. He is also upset with me for picking apparently the most "adversarial" attorney in the world who is only out to get him. I guess the games are beginning.
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:22 PM
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Hang in there, Roxy - you are doing the right thing - which is often the hardest thing.

I agree with Dandylion - he's "confused" about why you are doing this?! REALLY?! QUUUAAACK!!!!

OH and congrats on your 21 days Lommey - keep up the good work!! I can tell you from this side that even if you never have your same relationship again, we often DO eventually consider sobriety as amends made. Best to you!
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:33 PM
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Alcoholics will go to any length to get their enablers back! Drinking is harder without them, they may have to take responsibility for something.
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