Angeleyes001

I ended my 27 year marriage five months ago. We have a 19 year old son and a 9 year old daughter together, both children live with me. I have been in Al-Anon and individual counseling for a year now, both of which have been invaluable. Up until the time I realized it was not healthy for me to be tracking his consumption, he was drinking on average 3 fifths of vodka a week. When it became clear to him that our marriage was on the line and I flat out told him I didn't know if I would stay or leave, his solution was to put the bottle in his backpack, take it with him in the car and to work, essentially hiding the usage from me. By his own admission when he moved out, he was drinking 4 to 5 fifths a week. He agreed multiple times early on that he would not drink at all when our daughter was with him after he moved out. Now, he wants me to agree (as to the terms of our divorce settlement) that as long as he doesn't drive with a blood alcohol above .08, then that should be good enough. In the five months that he has been out of the house, he has not had an overnight visit with our daughter. I am terrified of that to happen (his preferred drinking window is late afternoon and into the evening). He just doesn't see a problem with putting her in the car with him after he has had a few. He has never missed a day of work, been cited for DUII, or for that matter, no one outside of our home even realized he had a problem with drinking......basically my word against his. Legal counsel tells met that, unless and until something happens, there is really nothing I can do to enforce no drinking during visitation. Feeling frustrated, and terrified for my daughter's safety.....any suggestions???

Florence

Your daughter is old enough to have a phone with simple calling and texting features. It's not ideal, but she can contact you -- or 911 -- if necessary.

I would also recommend getting with a counselor who can give you some ideas about how to deal with visitations. It's in your daughter's best interest to have the information she needs, in an age-appropriate way, to protect herself.

And frankly, if there's no order in place, agree to nothing. You don't have to go with it. Tell your lawyer you insist on having his drinking assessed in some way before you will agree to any visitation agreement. Keep putting it on the table and eventually it will have to be addressed to move forward.

Also, hi and welcome! This place is a godsend and helps many people figure out how to navigate this nasty disease. Stick around.

PippiLngstockng

Can your 19 year old stay with the 9 year old during visits?

unsureoffuture

When you get some answers please let me know. I am in the same boat.

I haven't left my ADH for just that reason. Luckily his drinking does not affect our children yet. I have a plan to leave and have been contemplating leaving for a while but like yours, my ADH hides it and lies about his consumption. I went away for a conference for a few days for work last month and he was the sole caretaker of the kids for that time and when I called him one night, I knew he had been drinking and had just taken them out to eat so I know he drove with them while drinking. It scared the daylights out of me thinking about what could have happened. I decided for the time being I HAVE to protect them and if that means staying in a marriage that is not good for me then that's what I have to do for now. Like you, MY ADH doesn't have any Dui's, arrests, missed work, DV etc so nothing to back to it up and its my word against his according to the lawyers I have seen. We live in a 50/50 custody state so unless there is something outrageously glaring on his record, he will get 50 % custody.

pookielou

When I mediated with my XAH I had a clause put in that allows me to administer a breathalyzer in the event that I suspect drinking. My DD is 10 months old. If he is negative for any alcohol I owe him $150 (so that I don't badger him) but if he is positive then visits become supervised until further court determination. There are alternatives like this that I had never heard of. Talk to you attorney and ask what alternatives there may be that you can both agree on. If your STBXAH says less than .08 is acceptable then hold him to it in the decree. My heart goes out to you. We are just trying to keep our children safe but sometimes it is so hard to do when addiction is involved with one parent.

LightInside

Thank you for posting this question and for everyone's replies. I have been wondering the same thing.

brownhorse

It's hard! I had to let my kids go with XAH every other weekend and once a week until I had enough against him to get full supervised visitation. Worst year of my life! He was supposedly clean. I documented everything and called CPS twice. I would drop off the kids and head straight to an Alanon meeting. They kept me sane! Best wishes.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Angel. DS is just about 9, we haven't seen his AF in almost 1.5 years. By court order, from when DS was 6 to 7, the visits with his AF were supervised, initially by my XSIL and XFIL, then by a GF AXH was living with. Even with that supervision requirement, I made sure to go over safety plans in a very general way, often, with DS. We'd talk about what to do if there's a fire, if you get lost, if some one is hurt real bad... I made sure it wasn't a what-to-do-if-daddy's-behavior-scares-or-hurts-you, but gave him all the tools he'd need to help keep himself safe while he was there. When I first started, I wasn't sure I could do it objectively, so I'd check in with my counsellor and DS's. DS and I still occasionally talk about safety.

Then while DS was there, I tried very hard to trust that he'd be OK. It wasn't exactly easy, but we both got through it.

Recovering2

"Now,he wants me to agree (as to the terms of our divorce settlement) that as long as he doesn't drive with a blood alcohol above .08, then that should be good enough. "

Who is testing his BAH and when? Does he blow when he picks the child up? 4 hours later? At the end of the visit? I agree with Florence, if there isn't an order in place agree to nothing.

new beginnings

My XH threatened and bullied me into agreeing I things I never should have. He still tries to do that after seven years of divorce. I have learned if it is not court ordered you do NOT have to do it. Do not listen to anything he says. Only listen to the judge.

Is there anyone you can call at his work to have a random test done? You could not tell them who you are but say you are calling out of concern for the well being of the other workers an you suspect he is drinking on the job. Or call the police, give them the car make, model and tag number and say you suspect the person is driving under the influence. Normally, I would never go to those lengths. But you are trying to protect your daughter and prevent anything terrible from happening. I would do anything I could to protect my children.
Take care! Have faith and believe there is a higher power watching over your daughter and keeping her safe.

pookielou

I have to buy and administer the breathalyzer and will record it so that I have documentation. I can do it when he picks up or drops off DD. The administration of the test is up to me. It's not ideal but it is something.

Angeleyes001

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I had planned to get my daughter her own very basic cell phone before any overnight visits occurred, but in light of the situation will not wait to do that. Timing the visits so the kids are with their dad together does not work very well......they like to have him all to their selves when they are with him, and the activities they do are very different. Meeting with my counselor today -- think this issue will be our topic of conversation. I need to be able to educate my daughter, at an age appropriate level, about what to do in certain situations, how to see a problem, etc., and what she can do in those situations to protect herself. Thank you all for your input, I truly appreciate it.