Gone back to drunk wife...am I mad?

Old 09-22-2013, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post

Lost as to what to do....her parents dont want to know (dont know how to help).....I know if I chat to her friends she will never forgive me (and they probably see me as the cause of her drinking, as she does)

I'm starting to question whether I really am the cause of her drinking?????
OK. WE HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT AND HEARD THAT.

Let me tell how my (stupid) question like that went.

Me -- At an Alanon meeting. All the rest women, mostly older.

I sat there, lip quivering, saying "What do you do when they say it is Your Fault?"

The all just look at me. And they all started laughing. Some just about rolling on the floor. You know Just How Bad it Sucks to Be Laughed At By A Roomful of Older Women?

Finally they stop when they see I am about to cry.

One looks at me and says -- "HONEY! We have all heard THAT, too!

And they went back to laughing. I started laughing, too, and now laugh most of the time, too.

Same to you --

"HONEY! We have all heard THAT, too!

-------------------

And then there is this . . .


maybe I should leave?

Right now she hates me, wishes I was dead - wants me gone.
AND

and now my 17 year old tells me she wants to move out and live with her gran because of her mum......my wife doesnt care, says she hates her daughter and she was a big mistake.
NO.

Drunk Wife should leave, you and the kids run the house without her.
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Old 09-22-2013, 08:24 PM
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:22 PM
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I'd like to go back to one of your first questions: "Am I mad?"
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Old 09-23-2013, 02:16 AM
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well...this is it. All year I've been so stupid....always focusing on the next "nice family event" that's round the corner with the hope it would be better by then......yet since then all 4 of my kids have had birthdays, we've had two holidays, numerous nights out - and every one has either been bad....or worse, been good until she trashes the memory of it by saying later how she hated it.

in a month is my 40th, her birthday, our anniversary and then xmas.......I have been desperate not to have things bad for my 40th.......but I know now I'd rather be alone with my kids and KNOW its good than have her there and spend the next 6 months waiting for it to come up in an argument how she hated it and wished she had never been there in the first place.

I cant keep questioning myself when my daughter wants to move out too.....a pretty obvious sign!

I am giving her papers today to cut her from our business (my business)...and so it will start from there. Its killing me...but so is she.

We slept in the same bed last night.....I went to bed long after her. Even in her sleep she was talking about hating me.

This morining she is (until later) not drunk...yet still has nothing but hate in her eyes for me. She'll spend the day with friends, creating her "world" where I am bad and the reason for any upset in her life......and they'll lap it up and feed it back to her.

I'm done.....me and the kids from now. If she comes back clean in a year/5 years/whenever - I'd love it......but if she doesnt, she doesnt.......the woman she was is dead. I told myself that the 1% i used to see in her that reminded me of the one she used to be meant she was still in there somewhere........but I dont think she is. In fact, it doesnt matter - I cant go on loving 1% of someone, no matter how much I want to.

On our recent night out it was 5 hours of crap with a moment where she asked me to dance.......melted my heart. Highlight of my week/month. But I cant accept a life where its crap with occasional moments of greatness. I cant.
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Old 09-23-2013, 04:44 AM
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Lewis73--I know what you mean by living with "crap with occassional moments of greatness". I was there once and I couldn't take it--got divorced and took my three children with me. That was a very, very long time ago--and I still know that it was the only sane decision I could have made.

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Old 09-23-2013, 04:59 AM
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what i am starting to see is that those moments of "great" are not even all that good! Is only because they exist in a sea of crap that they seem so nice.

being asked to dance by my wife should NOT be the highlight of my week.....it should be just another nice thing among many nice things. t certainly shouldnt be the ONLY nice thing in an evening which (24hrs later) she tells me she hated and wish she hadnt been at with me.......and she asked me to dance out of pity and she doesnt know why because she hates me and i'm a c***
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:05 AM
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(((Lewis))) you aren't [email protected], at all, seems to me she's projecting her feelings about herself onto you, do what you need to do for YOU now x
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:07 AM
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I have heard that when A's suddenly "get it" about their drinking, realize just how sick they have become and that they MUST get help, it's called a "moment of clarity." Seems like you just had YOUR moment of clarity, Lewis. What you have settled for, the abuse you have taken, the crap your kids live with daily--NONE OF THAT IS ACCEPTABLE OR NORMAL. None of you deserve to live like that.

So happy that you are taking those first steps towards a better life for you and your kids. Regarding your wife, this may be a first step for her eventually realizing she has a problem--and it may not. However, it's virtually guaranteed that if you allow things to go on as they have been, she will never have an opportunity for HER moment of clarity, either.

Stay strong, get to Alanon if you have not yet done so, and keep us updated here. You are not the first, last or only person to go thru this, and there is a lot of support available here and at Alanon. You CAN do it.
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Old 09-23-2013, 06:04 AM
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Its 1pm in the UK....she's still in bed (hasnt left bed since we fought yesterday at about the same time!

Says she sign anything if I get out of her face.....so hopefully that will get done today.

Step 1 - almost done
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Old 09-23-2013, 07:05 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4197279
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